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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD wants to come home from boarding every weekend, then spends no time with us

178 replies

Hellswithbells · 12/01/2025 04:05

First off, I understand boarding doesn't work for everyone, for DD it was her dream, she goes because she wants to train in specific sport and this is the best way for her to do so, we have asked if she still wants to board and she is adamant she does.

DD is the youngest of our 3 children, she is 13 and Y9. We live in London, the school is between 1.5 and 2 hours away depending on traffic. The school allows parents to collect from half 1 on a Saturday and they have to be dropped back off before 6 if having dinner at school or 7.30 if not having dinner at school. In Y7 and 8 DD would come home every other weekend, either DH or I would drive to get her and the other would take her back. She spent most of the Sunday at home and it was lovely having her back.

This year DD asked to come home every weekend, we said yes as obviously we love having her at home and miss her when she isn't around.

However, now we get back to London around 3.30, immediately she goes out to meet friends. Her curfew is 8pm right now and she is never back a second before then, she will make her self pasta when she gets in. Then on Sunday she sleeps in until about 9am, goes out at 10, gets home at 4 and we need to leave at 5ish to be back on time and get food on the way. This means other than a movie on Saturday nights we don't actually see her but do 6-8 hours of driving.

We have two older boys who have hobbies and sports commitments so this often means that the whole weekend is spent as a taxi.

I think we need to move back towards DD coming home every other weekend or giving up boarding.DH feels we can't do this as it will make her feel unwelcome. Obviously that isn't the case I love having DD at home but we don't see her when she is!

AIBU?

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 12/01/2025 06:29

Presumably you chose a school two hours away. Would you prefer she just stayed away constantly? Surely you can sacrifice a few hours on the weekend to drive her about, given that you don't see her all week FFS.

rainbowstardrops · 12/01/2025 06:30

I definitely don't think you should push back to every other weekend visits because that would be detrimental to your relationship.
I get that all the travelling is a pain but that's just how it is for now.
At 13 though, I think you should have a chat with her and say that you'd like to spend more time as a family. She could still see the friends on the Saturday and then the Sunday morning but maybe suggest she comes home for 1pm or 2pm to have lunch together as a family? That still leaves plenty of time with her friends who she naturally wants to see too.
Where do the girls hang out? Could you maybe suggest they come to yours every other weekend or whatever?
Also, why is she making pasta when she gets in at 8pm on Saturday? Could you not all eat together then?

garciacherry · 12/01/2025 06:30

At 13 it's completely normal for life to revolve around friends.

As a parent you have to accept this.

It must be hard that you are not getting much time together at the moment, but to put it bluntly, that's the deal.

You don't have children for your own gain - you support them to grow and develop into people they need to become.

Her home is still her home and you need to support her. You shouldn't make her reduce it if she wants to be home every weekend.

If you know that you have Saturday nights together then why not try to make that more special and really value that time you have with her?

Waterweight · 12/01/2025 06:31

For what your paying in fuel could you arrange a taxi to drop her off at a train station at least on her way down ?

Starlight7080 · 12/01/2025 06:31

You literally have to do nothing for her Monday to Friday. Make the effort on the weekends .
Maybe she doesn't like spending her weekends away.
You only have a few more years . Then will probably not have her home at all

Wildwalksinjanuary · 12/01/2025 06:32

Clearly she is closest to her home friends, enjoys the chance to sleep in her own bed, make her own food and chill. I would not take this away from her, no. Boarding school is extremely exhausting being ‘on’ all of the time, whatever her dream was, the reality is different for everyone and it looks like she has found a way to manage it. This is to commended.

Doing a few hours of driving once a week, I assume shared with your dh, is hardly a huge ask op. You are coming across as quite selfish, you need to put her needs first.

DarkForces · 12/01/2025 06:36

If your daughter is going to sacrifice her weekends at home, will your sons also be having to give up their sports? I'm sorry but while she's at school you are literally giving her 2 lifts a week. She's away mon-Fri then getting herself out and about and cooking for herself at weekends. That's pretty minimal parent input at 13 tbh.

nervouslandlord · 12/01/2025 06:43

Goodness, you're complaining about driving. That's what happens in teenage years. For most of us who want our children to enrich their lives.It really is a short span of years and then proof! It's gone!
And you're complaining about not seeing her when she's at boarding school.
Bizarre.

What is this sport she does that can't be done in London? Is it horse riding of some kind?

R053 · 12/01/2025 06:45

Maybe she likes sleeping in her bed at home and enjoys the familiarity of her room at weekends?

ThejoyofNC · 12/01/2025 06:46

Waterweight · 12/01/2025 06:31

For what your paying in fuel could you arrange a taxi to drop her off at a train station at least on her way down ?

Oh good idea, so they can spend even less time with their child.

StarlightLady · 12/01/2025 06:47

I appreciate that there may be special circumstances but you have chosen not to spend time with her during the week. Like us all, she wants to enjoy her free weekends.

Pollensa76 · 12/01/2025 06:47

My brothers family had this, boarding, then as they went into their teens, they didn't want to hang out with mum/dad, which caused hurt for them but what did they expect?

Boarding means your kids are being raised by someone else, its the price of the sport, the great academic and cultural advantages.

However, now they are older, they all get on very well, so there is hope at the end of the tunnel.

Wildwalksinjanuary · 12/01/2025 06:48

DarkForces · 12/01/2025 06:36

If your daughter is going to sacrifice her weekends at home, will your sons also be having to give up their sports? I'm sorry but while she's at school you are literally giving her 2 lifts a week. She's away mon-Fri then getting herself out and about and cooking for herself at weekends. That's pretty minimal parent input at 13 tbh.

Edited

It’ is actually not parenting at all. A taxi driver could achieve the same. If op wants more time with her child then changing the time to be home to 7pm and op can cook pasta for her child and they cah eat together? That would allow some family time to take place. And some parenting.

No judgement from me op, but your dd is seriously drifting. Are you taking steps to spend time with her? Activities? Cooking together? Listening to her stories. Supporting her interests outside of school? There seems to be minimal interaction, which seems very extreme even for a teenager. I would be working on my relationship with her in your place, not reducing contact further. A strong bond will be needed soon when she hits 14/15/16 and into adulthood.

DarkForces · 12/01/2025 06:54

I wouldn't be forcing dd to spend more time at home through earlier curfews and restrictions. A sulky resentful team around the dinner table would increase the distance between you all and potentially lead to falling out, which if it's not resolved by Monday will fester all week. You could create a horrible vicious circle making time with family a punishment for being away all week. Making better use of the time you do have with her makes far more sense

SamPoodle123 · 12/01/2025 06:56

I wonder if she has a boyfriend that she is seeing for that amount of time? It seems to me that is a long amount to want to spend with friends and why not invite them back to the house to hang out?

Pinkmoonshine · 12/01/2025 07:00

Agree with your DH.

you risk making her feel rejected / feel like a nuisance.

Car journeys are bonding as is move time. Being AT HOME is comforting.

Do not reject your daughter!

Wildwalksinjanuary · 12/01/2025 07:04

DarkForces · 12/01/2025 06:54

I wouldn't be forcing dd to spend more time at home through earlier curfews and restrictions. A sulky resentful team around the dinner table would increase the distance between you all and potentially lead to falling out, which if it's not resolved by Monday will fester all week. You could create a horrible vicious circle making time with family a punishment for being away all week. Making better use of the time you do have with her makes far more sense

Ops dd might be agreeable to the family dinner on Saturday. I would also invite her friends and get to know them all.

F1rugby23 · 12/01/2025 07:04

Can't you do family days on a Sunday from time to time? What about inviting her friends over to your house instead of her always been out? Send back by train (taxi at other end) so only doing one drive?

Shouldigoforarunorhavepancakes · 12/01/2025 07:05

You need to work hard in making Saturday evenings the best family time and like someone mentioned, no phone in the car rides.

BlueSilverCats · 12/01/2025 07:11

Where do they go when they go out?

Do you ever have anything planned to do with her or is she just left to her own devices even if at home?

Is everyone home and done for the day when she gets back ?

Diomi · 12/01/2025 07:11

Are there any other parents you can car share with? I’d be surprised if there wasn’t a few travelling back and forth to London most weekends.

Aerin1999 · 12/01/2025 07:11

At a boarding school they should not want everyone to leave for the 24 hour weekend, every week.Their job is to make the weekends a big event and attractive so kids want to stay and build stronger connections.

School often lay on these fantastic weekend trips for shopping and to the great London musicals. Shopping at villages, even Harrods and Selfridges. Parties with local boys boarding schools. Candidly my stepdaughter was so happy (at Downe House) and so happy and busy. She came home for formal exert weekends (Fri - Sun) half term etc…but certainly not every weekend:
she was so happy we had to beg her to come and see us!

BigCarMistake · 12/01/2025 07:14

I didn’t go to boarding school, but most of my uni friends had attended one, and my observation at the time was that they seemed to have a different dynamic with their parents, potentially due to having become indépendent much younger. I think this situation is part and parcel of the indépendent mind set cultivâted by boarding school. You can’t really blame her and she seems to have a lot more autonomy in planning her life than her peers will have for many years. You may need to start repositioning your relationship akin to that of an older, adult, child. Expecting her to fall in line at weekends may not ultimatately be very productive, and will just drive a wedge between you.

Whalesong · 12/01/2025 07:15

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Home by 8 pm on a Friday, home with you on Saturday and back to school early evening on Sunday? What more do you want????

Icanttakethisanymore · 12/01/2025 07:19

It’s really not reasonable to link your willingness to collect her with the amount of time she is prepared to spend with you. I can’t fathom a situation where I would say to my 13yo daughter who lives away that I can’t be bothered to go and get her to bring her home.

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