DD wants to come home from boarding every weekend, then spends no time with us

[Hellswithbells]

First off, I understand boarding doesn't work for everyone, for DD it was her dream, she goes because she wants to train in specific sport and this is the best way for her to do so, we have asked if she still wants to board and she is adamant she does.

DD is the youngest of our 3 children, she is 13 and Y9. We live in London, the school is between 1.5 and 2 hours away depending on traffic. The school allows parents to collect from half 1 on a Saturday and they have to be dropped back off before 6 if having dinner at school or 7.30 if not having dinner at school. In Y7 and 8 DD would come home every other weekend, either DH or I would drive to get her and the other would take her back. She spent most of the Sunday at home and it was lovely having her back.

This year DD asked to come home every weekend, we said yes as obviously we love having her at home and miss her when she isn't around.

However, now we get back to London around 3.30, immediately she goes out to meet friends. Her curfew is 8pm right now and she is never back a second before then, she will make her self pasta when she gets in. Then on Sunday she sleeps in until about 9am, goes out at 10, gets home at 4 and we need to leave at 5ish to be back on time and get food on the way. This means other than a movie on Saturday nights we don't actually see her but do 6-8 hours of driving.

We have two older boys who have hobbies and sports commitments so this often means that the whole weekend is spent as a taxi.

I think we need to move back towards DD coming home every other weekend or giving up boarding.DH feels we can't do this as it will make her feel unwelcome. Obviously that isn't the case I love having DD at home but we don't see her when she is!

AIBU?

Yeah, I thought exactly this.

My DH went to boarding school, he said it was the best experience but he also now has a lot built up resentment that his parents weren't there for him during those years. It comes out a lot and he even argues with his parents now about it. It is hard to get it right whatever you do. Can she get a train or is there any transport available? Or can you say to her if we are coming to get you then you need to spend alternative weekends actually with us and helping out with family life and see your friends every other week? You are already committing a lot with paying for boarding school for her to follow her sporting dream so I don't think it is unreasonable to ask for some commitment bacm to the family from her.

OP said that boarding was her DD's dream? Also has been asked if she wants to carry on boarding?

I suppose even if she's going out with friends you're still spending time with her, collecting her and dropping off, presumably having dinner together at home. Perhaps tell her if you're picking her up and dropping off every weekend she needs to at least have dinner with you or something as I can see it is a long way and no doubt means you can't really do anything else at the weekend while she's doing her own thing.

I think 1:1 time in the car with a teen is absolutely the best way of getting them to chat to you. It's GREAT quality time. Your eyes are focused on the road, not them, so I always found my teens would talk to me about absolutely anything in the car.

I understand your sadness about not DOING anything with her on these weekends, but BEING there, you can do. That's way more important with a teen.

Just take a breath and reframe your thoughts about the weekends.

I think we need to move back towards DD coming home every other weekend or giving up boarding.DH feels we can't do this as it will make her feel unwelcome.

I agree with your DH. I think telling a 13 year old they can't come home when they want is a no-go.

You’re the parent: it’s fine for you to set expectations. If she comes home for the weekend, you at least spend Saturday evening having a meal together. Or you at least have Sunday brunch together. Or whatever, it’s up to you.

I don’t think you should begrudge her that amount of travel time though. She relatively takes up very little time in your week compared to if you were driving her to and from school each day.

I’m not sure why a 13 year old child is allowed to be out all weekend and you don’t seem to think that’s under your control. It sounds quite worrying.

Make new rules.
Before lunch, friends are to come to yours or you stay home with your brothers.

See that's extreme being " devasted" that an adult child is moving on with their lives. It's what should happen. Not be velcroed to mummy

Is the at last point really that interesting? If all the children had a free choice to board or not, it might be interesting that those who chose to do so did better in life. But if there wasn't really a choice, it's surely not surprising that "those who liked the lifestyle they had to live as teens ended up being happier and more successful than those who were upset or traumatised by it".

@Gogogo12345

I don't think it's an 'extreme' reaction to not seeing my lovely boy every day, as I have done for the last 20 years. I shall miss him terribly and a huge part of my life is about to end forever.

Thanks for your insightful comment though.

🙄

Having more than one set of friends, particularly out-of-school friends, is really important for teenagers (esp girls), and is a protective factor against all sorts of mental health problems. I certainly wouldn't be doing anything that risks damaging her relationships with her home-based friends, unless there are specific reasons to be concerned.

Every single September there are multiple threads on here by mums who feel exactly like this poster. It is a very common experience and there is no need to put down the hundreds of women who feel that way!

I was a weekly boarder for 6th form and whilst it might have been slightly different as I was 16 and further along the journey to independence- and my school was closer- I honestly treated my parents house as a bit of a hotel. It didn't mean I loved my parents any less. We talked in the week. I spent time at home in the holidays and on study leave and I happily went on long holidays with them. We are now close. Your daughter is being a normal teenager and will ping back. Even if she's mostly home for friends, she's obviously happy to come home in the first place.

As an adult, I can see why you're questioning the obvious lack of time and fortune in petrol that your current weekends are costing for little return in terms of time with Dd - but her happiness is obviously high and it is important. I think you need to work smarter, not harder. How old are your sons? Do you need to go to every fixture? Can they go with friends to some of them or if they're going to away fixtures is there transport they can take? Are they old enough for bits of independence and the concept that family life must be a balance. In terms of your daughter, do you both drive to get her? Are you in a position where you could do a trip each? Or divide and conquer amongst the activities? I would also work with the school to try and come up with a solution for the travel. Has she got a friends mum who could drop her at the local station? Can you give some sort of termly permission for this or sign a waiver? You won't change anything until you try. I'd also try and set some time expectations on her. So one weekend in every 3/4 is family activities, or on Saturdays you'd actually like a family meal so must be back by a certain time, or simply propose an activity with her for a Saturday or Sunday every couple of weeks. You can give her a week or so notice so she can work out still seeing friends. Make it clear it's an offer or a treat, not a demand.

My mind also drifted briefly to that thread about the children cutting their family off. I would argue that they were quite an extreme case (and I know people who had similarish family set ups and were perfectly fine with their parents and even grateful for the opportunities) and bar the sport, not at all like your Dd, OP. Your dd sounds happy at school where her sports passion is accommodated and happy with you and is simply working out how to fit it all in. You're her parents and she clearly trusts you're there which is actually you're currently bottom of the hierarchy of demands on her time.

There are some lonely, neglected children in boarding schools but she doesn't sound like one of them. In my experience plenty of boarders are not like that and they love their school lives and their families. Love is extremely important but life must be lived. I find some of the "wuv means famiwy alllll together allll the time because we wuv each other and this over rides anything else! Boarding schools are all evil and my 16yo still has a working umbilical cord- must dash, he just yanked on it and I got a twinge" type sentiments on here to be extremely naive and simplistic and yet simultaneously sickenly smug.

I am not a blanket defender of boarding schools but I do see - and have experienced- their benefit. I was horrified by the idea until I decided for myself that I wanted to go, and I still don't think it is the right solution for everyone. Some are better than others, they are an emotional convenience for some families who perhaps should never have had children and historically they were colder, bleaker places than they are today. Some children still get sent away too soon - and this differs from child to child.

But you'll still see him, he's not moving to Antarctica presumably? And presumably he has a phone?

Yes, it's going to take time to adjust,but it'll be fine.

Why don't you chat to her, explain you'd like to see her for a bit longer when she's home and suggest she returns at, say, 7 every other Saturday evening. You could have a family meal or a games evening or whatever else you like to do. That sounds like a reasonable compromise to me, and will reinforce the message that you enjoy being with her.

YABU. She just wants to see her friends and do normal teenage stuff

Has he not been at uni? My DS is 21 , in 3 Rd year at uni and spent summers working in Europe or backpacking in SE Asia. I'm happy he's progressing in his life not devastated

The thing is, most parents feel like they're losing their dc to a social life with friends during the teenage years. It's just that most don't have teens at boarding school, so they have more time to 'grab' some time with them over the course of the week. We take our 14yo to football matches (either ones he's playing in, or to watch our local team), watch a film on a Saturday night, or play a board game and order pizza. We explain to him that we're happy he's got friends he wants to spend time with, but we value some time with him too. We try to continue to connect with him by doing more things on his terms, that he enjoys - bowling for example. And we also say to him that in return for greater independence and time with his friends, there are some 'whole family' times he doesn't get to opt out of. He totally accepts this, and has even said to me "I may not always choose to spend my time with you when you ask, but I always appreciate you asking me".

But we have more time during the week/ weekends to create this time with him. It's much harder to do this when they're only really with you for a day and a half as a teenager. Perhaps you could break the journey up with a meal out, say that once a fortnight or once a month you'd like to do something with her she enjoys. Also, don't underestimate one to one time with each parent. You can switch who runs the other dc around on alternate weekends to enable each parent to spend time with your daughter. You just need to get a bit creative, do more things on her terms, and set some boundaries about non negotiable family time.

@Gogogo12345

Pop your pearls away!! No, DS hasn't been to university. Not everyone does. He's been working since he left school at 18 which is why he can afford to buy a house.

@fanaticalfairy

I will see him, although probably not too often. Every day to once a month or so is quite a change. Thankfully not quite as far as Antarctica!! Thank you, I know it will be fine and I'm really, really happy for him. Won't stop me missing him though!!

Talk to her. Say that you would like to spend either Saturday or Sunday with her, she can see her friends one day but you would like to have a family day the other day.

Ok. If you have seen him every single day for 20 years then he's never been on a school residential, stayed over at a girlfriend's/grandparents/friends house etc either I assume.

I wish I had pearls lol Don't have that kind of money to buy them. But the pearl clutches would probably balk at their kids wandering the world also lol

For what it's worth, the prep school friendships will die off probably within the year and the current school friends will fill the gap. If she's 13 then surely she's only just left prep and gone up to seniors? We're only a term in, and she'll have had a massive transition. Having the regular interactions with familiar "old" friends is probably a huge steadying influence in her life.