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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD wants to come home from boarding every weekend, then spends no time with us

178 replies

Hellswithbells · 12/01/2025 04:05

First off, I understand boarding doesn't work for everyone, for DD it was her dream, she goes because she wants to train in specific sport and this is the best way for her to do so, we have asked if she still wants to board and she is adamant she does.

DD is the youngest of our 3 children, she is 13 and Y9. We live in London, the school is between 1.5 and 2 hours away depending on traffic. The school allows parents to collect from half 1 on a Saturday and they have to be dropped back off before 6 if having dinner at school or 7.30 if not having dinner at school. In Y7 and 8 DD would come home every other weekend, either DH or I would drive to get her and the other would take her back. She spent most of the Sunday at home and it was lovely having her back.

This year DD asked to come home every weekend, we said yes as obviously we love having her at home and miss her when she isn't around.

However, now we get back to London around 3.30, immediately she goes out to meet friends. Her curfew is 8pm right now and she is never back a second before then, she will make her self pasta when she gets in. Then on Sunday she sleeps in until about 9am, goes out at 10, gets home at 4 and we need to leave at 5ish to be back on time and get food on the way. This means other than a movie on Saturday nights we don't actually see her but do 6-8 hours of driving.

We have two older boys who have hobbies and sports commitments so this often means that the whole weekend is spent as a taxi.

I think we need to move back towards DD coming home every other weekend or giving up boarding.DH feels we can't do this as it will make her feel unwelcome. Obviously that isn't the case I love having DD at home but we don't see her when she is!

AIBU?

OP posts:

RubyOrca · 12/01/2025 08:26

YANBU. 6-8 of driving one of your children around is a lot especially when you aren’t really spending time together. You also need time with your other kids, and you also need to ensure you rest and get ready for the week yourself.

i think it’s reasonable to ask your daughter to spend more time with her family when she’s coming home. Maybe Saturday for friends and Sunday for family. Or one weekend for friends one for family. And if she prefers to not come home as often then that’s ok. Or Saturday night dinner together.

but you also should consider 4 hours in the car as time with your daughter. Both you and your husband have 2 hours of one on one time - and that should be valued. It’s entirely unsurprising that she wants to spend weekends with friends - but as she isn’t at home during the week that’s really cutting in to family activities.

WhimsicalGubbins76 · 12/01/2025 08:26

Op, I’m saying this as gently as I can…
Shes 13. You’re not the centre of her universe at that age. Her social life very much is. You have older kids, you’ve been through this before-it’s just more pronounced with your youngest because she goes to a separate school to her original school friends, and she’s away all week. Not many 13 year olds (or 14,15,16,17 etc etc) would choose to stay in with mum and dad rather than go out and catch up with friends.

I know it’s hard and rubbish for you, and I’d feel sad about it too, but your daughter is doing normal teenage things.

Also, can we just focus on that one magical sentence…

”Then on Sunday she sleeps in until about 9am”

At 13, My DS was “sleeping in” until about 1pm on a Sunday. Your 13 year old is a unicorn!

Mumistiredzzzz · 12/01/2025 08:27

So she can only come home if she spends every moment with you? That will not go down well...

pljlse · 12/01/2025 08:28

this often means that the whole weekend is spent as a taxi.

Welcome to parenthood..?

Wells37 · 12/01/2025 08:28

Also you all must be exhausted. When does anyone get any get any down time?

Isthisexpected · 12/01/2025 08:29

It seems reasonable to me to want to behave like every other teen. She is coming home to spend time with you on a Saturday night and also see her friends who she won't otherwise socialise with.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 12/01/2025 08:29

Focus on making the most out of the time you do have:

2 long car journeys including stopping for food so plenty of time to talk
Saturday evening (make it something good/ go for meals/ do things together)
Sunday morning - yes only a short time but a nice breakfast together or can you fit in a walk to a cafe or something
every few weeks see if you can have a weekend day where she doesn’t see the friends and plan something together (shopping trip, cinema/theatre, sports event, spa, bike ride etc)

Nessastats · 12/01/2025 08:30

She doesn't live with you the vast majority of the time. Isn't it obvious why you don't have a close relationship?

She's allowed to want to see her friends.

outofofficeagain · 12/01/2025 08:31

The thing with teenagers, is that the quality is often snatched' in moments here and there rather than focussed time.

That's the problem with boarding school.

You don't have any of those during the week.

Home is supposed to be a place you can just 'be'. All teenagers are like this at that age.

The best conversations I have with DS are on car journeys.

I'd love to spend that much time in the car with him.

YABU

ThePoshUns · 12/01/2025 08:32

This is normal teenage behaviour and would be the exact same if she lived at home all week. As PPs have said use the journey time to chat.
If you tell her she can only come home every other weekend that could really damage your relationship with her.

muggart · 12/01/2025 08:32

So you choose boarding for your DD and then are offended that she stops wanting to spend time with you? that in itself is ridiculous.

And now, to punish her for this perceived slight, you want to insist that she spends all weekend at school where she presumably isn't as happy just so that she can't be with her closest friends from prep school? And you expect us (and her) to believe that you love having her home? She will see through you, trust me.

Tumbleweed101 · 12/01/2025 08:33

Why don’t you just have a chat with her and say you’d like to see her a bit more at the weekend and suggest a reason to do so? Ie to be there for Sunday lunch with the whole family? Invite a grandparent/cousins/ aunts or uncles.

I’d imagine she enjoys the freedom of a weekend if she is following other peoples rules and routines all week.

Letstheriveranswer · 12/01/2025 08:33

My DD had longish car journeys with her dad on alternate weekends. Those became the core of their relationship, being comfortable together whether talking or in silence. She still, as an adult, prefers time together that is incidental, eg sitting in the same room while she works on her laptop or stares at her phone. She isn't so keen on quality time and deep conversation and days out together.

As others have said, don't underestimate the impact of the time together on the car journey. If she was home you would probably be picking her up and collecting her every day so can you see it as doing all your parenting of her in one go?

If you are pulled here and there being taxi to your other kids at weekends and that makes driving your daughter to and from boarding school a burden, then look at those arrangements - can they lift share, get a bus, are they doing too many activities at weekends for you to support with lifts?

TopshopCropTop · 12/01/2025 08:35

YABU. You already don’t parent her through the week and now you want to only parent her every other weekend because she wants to spend time with her friends like a normal teenager.

She spends her whole week in a a very structured, often very strict environment and then you’re surprised she wants to enjoy a bit of freedom and independence in the weekend.

And then you’ll be back here in 5 years time “my DD is NC and I don’t understand why”

MrsLeonFarrell · 12/01/2025 08:36

My kids didn't go to boarding school but often the best conversations I had with them in the teen years happened in the car. There is something about sitting next to each other that promotes sharing and chat. Can you reframe this season as one where you value the 3 - 4 hours alone you get with your daughter every weekend? That's much more than many parents of teens who live in the house get.

PerambulationFrustration · 12/01/2025 08:36

At that age, seeing you intermittently throughout the day is still important. Does she eat any meals with you?
Can you offer to take her out for a coffee or lunch? Or shopping?
Instead of movie night, could you go out every other week? Meal out? Cinema?

BingoLarge · 12/01/2025 08:37

I think you have to decide whether coming home every weekend is practical and then go with that (and I would really urge you to find a way to make it work). You can’t make it conditional on the amount of time she spends with you. Teenagers have different needs- they are focused more on friends, the need more privacy and independence. But none of the means your daughter isn’t benefiting from being at home- being in her own bedroom, knowing you are there if she needs you. It’s much less about hours spent together and more about the underlying structure she still relies on- her home and family.

BeMellowOchreZebra · 12/01/2025 08:39

@Hellswithbells

This is straightforward. She is 13. A child. You are the parent. If you don't want her going out all the time then you tell her. Plan a family activity.

Secondly you are spending 8 hours driving her around which has an impact on your other two kids and quality family time. If it's not working then say no. She can come home every other weekend or stop boarding and live back at home and go to a local school.

13 year olds have hormones and push boundaries. You can't just let them do what they want! She's walking all over you.

muggart · 12/01/2025 08:40

Tumbleweed101 · 12/01/2025 08:33

I’d imagine she enjoys the freedom of a weekend if she is following other peoples rules and routines all week.

because that's not what the OP wants. She wants her to spend more time at BS, as she wrote in her OP. She's resentful at having to pick her up at all. OP is just tying herself in knots trying to justify wanting to see her less with a nonsensical reasoning that she "loves having her at home".

If she wanted to see her more she'd suggest family outings and activities to tempt her away from her friends. But her solution was to leave her at school.

Anewuser · 12/01/2025 08:40

I don’t see what the problem is.

Your daughter is enjoying school.

You would have to do the same journey time, even if she spent the whole time with you at home.

She is keeping contact with another set of friends ‘from home’.

Both parents get quality time as 1-2-1 whilst in the drive.

Why would you risk upsetting her?

Herewegoagain84 · 12/01/2025 08:42

I’m confused why she makes herself pasta when her curfew is at 8. Isn’t that when you could have a family dinner?

shockeditellyou · 12/01/2025 08:42

She’s 13, not 16. There’s no way she should effectively be treating your house as a flop house and just popping into cook herself some food before doing her own thing.

I would expect her back home ever weekend, and I’d happily go and fetch her, but no way would she be organising her own social life with only lip service to her family. It might be cool to say “oh, she’s a teenager, they need their friends” but she’s only 13 and she needs a boring, normal, happy family first. Don’t confuse physical independence with emotional maturity.

I’d be insisting on more family time.

fanaticalfairy · 12/01/2025 08:42

mummy3456 · 12/01/2025 05:20

My youngest is about to turn 13. He could probably get some kind of scholarship for boarding, (annoyingly intelligent) but no way in the world would I even consider it. It's a very UK thing to go "oh Aria is so good at sport she must go to boarding school. " Have you considered local coaches and clubs. Have you considered the fact that if there are 5-600 girls in that school probably 2 will become elite athletes. Can't sport just be for fun?

These sports kids at the boarding schools are often on reduced timetables and have coaching during the day as well as after schools etc it's not something that can be facilitated in a normal school.

everythingthelighttouches · 12/01/2025 08:43