DD wants to come home from boarding every weekend, then spends no time with us

[Hellswithbells]

First off, I understand boarding doesn't work for everyone, for DD it was her dream, she goes because she wants to train in specific sport and this is the best way for her to do so, we have asked if she still wants to board and she is adamant she does.

DD is the youngest of our 3 children, she is 13 and Y9. We live in London, the school is between 1.5 and 2 hours away depending on traffic. The school allows parents to collect from half 1 on a Saturday and they have to be dropped back off before 6 if having dinner at school or 7.30 if not having dinner at school. In Y7 and 8 DD would come home every other weekend, either DH or I would drive to get her and the other would take her back. She spent most of the Sunday at home and it was lovely having her back.

This year DD asked to come home every weekend, we said yes as obviously we love having her at home and miss her when she isn't around.

However, now we get back to London around 3.30, immediately she goes out to meet friends. Her curfew is 8pm right now and she is never back a second before then, she will make her self pasta when she gets in. Then on Sunday she sleeps in until about 9am, goes out at 10, gets home at 4 and we need to leave at 5ish to be back on time and get food on the way. This means other than a movie on Saturday nights we don't actually see her but do 6-8 hours of driving.

We have two older boys who have hobbies and sports commitments so this often means that the whole weekend is spent as a taxi.

I think we need to move back towards DD coming home every other weekend or giving up boarding.DH feels we can't do this as it will make her feel unwelcome. Obviously that isn't the case I love having DD at home but we don't see her when she is!

AIBU?

YABU

The school rule seems silly and unenforceable for DC of that age and for families. if the train journey is reasonable would do that sometimes.

If you have family dinner on I’d ask DD, at 13/14 to be home for that most weeks.

Ah, OP.

It's lovely that she wants to come home, and there's a pull back to her home.

She's doing normal teenage things at home, and it's important to her.

Like many PPs, my teens had lots of sports and hobbies that meant spending lots of our time driving.

My DD had a sport that took 1.5 hours to get to (into London) then 3 hours whilst she trained, and drove 1.5 hours back, 5 days a week 🙈🙈

We would split that between me and DH, and fit in DS's rugby training and matches too,

It was frustrating a lot of the time, but meant I could chat to DD a lot in the car, play music, make her favourite food for after training, lots of bonding time, looking back.

Most parents have to be there for their kids every morning and evening. And you begrudge a three-hour drive once a week when you've offloaded her to someone else entirely for five days out of seven!

I was a child whose parents couldn't be bothered to come and get me at weekends - they made that very plain - the 1 hour drive was a pain for them. By Year 11 I'd stopped wanting to come home.

Family lunch for an hour isn't sacrificing her weekend. It also means she sees her brothers.

Parents are spending a lot of time driving to not see her much. Your suggestion that they don't care is not true.

I do think it’s a little bit odd that she’s out ALL weekend and always with the same people do you definitely know what she’s doing? I wonder if she’s found a boyfriend? I would also be a little worried about drink/ drugs as these are prime experimental years so she could be getting involved in that if she’s got one friend whose parents are a bit lax. It could though obviously be completely innocent, like shopping, bubble tea, enjoying her independence etc.

On the whole though I do think YABU about the ferrying about, you do none of this in the week (nor do you do the cooking/ cleaning/ washing/ nagging that most parents do for their kids) so it’s a bit rich to complain about doing 2 journeys at the weekend.

I agree with the posters asking why she's making herself pasta on Sat night. Can't you all eat dinner together at 8pm? And maybe breakfast on Sunday too?

I also agree with the posters saying that the drives to and from school can be good bonding time. I have sporty teens, they go to school locally but those chats in the car when I'm driving them to away matches are a really good way of finding out what's going on in their lives.

I wouldn't change her coming home and understand where you are coming from.

As PPs said use the car journey to connect and when she comes home at 8pm have a takeaway ready and maybe watch a movie.

I know the schedule of boarding schools - they fit in so much sports & homework during the week, the kids just want to decompress at the weekend and it's normal for teenagers to seek out their friends. It's also good that she has retained friends outside school as it gives her a balance should she have any trouble with friends in school.

If you are busy driving your boys around is that why she'd rather go to see friends ? If you planned something specific to do together would she be interested in that rather than going out? Seems normal for the age to spend lots of time with friends

Surely the 3 hours in the car is nice time to chat? Maybe make that a phone free bonding time?

Also - if she gave up boarding, wouldn’t you have to do that commute every DAY rather than on the weekend?

I can see why you're finding this hard work...it sounds exhausting! I don't think you can say she can't come home...this will probably ky feel yite rejecting/restrictive.
However, I'm going to go against the gtain here and ask what she is up to for such long periods of time? Most teens I know that age aren't out quite so much just socialising. Where is she going? Coupled with her not living at home during the week you are barely having a chance to know or see her. You don't want to suddenly find out she has drifted off into the wrong direction or you simply don't have a relationship with her anymore.
It's so hard, but I wouldn't bringing up the frequency of her coming home, but just arrange things periodically where you all spend time together. Good luck!

Yabu. She has a teenager and wants to see her friends and go home after school.

I think people saying that it's normal for teenagers to centre themselves around their friends are half right. However I think that especially as a younger teenager it's so so important for them to have a sense of belonging in their family too. You are the parent at the end of the day so it's up to you to enforce this.

Your dd boards. It really sounds like dd has made this decision so no judgement. It does mean though that she's probably learned to attach even more to her peers as a coping mechanism and you're going to have to work a bit harder to counteract this.

I definitely wouldn't force her to stay at boarding school or give any indication that you're finding dd an inconvenience. This will only make your bond less loving and more transactional. I would mandate that she spends some time with you, for example always home for Sunday dinner and home every other Sunday all day to either spend time together around the house or go on a trip out. Explain that she's still very young, you miss her and that these are the conditions of her boarding all week. Word it very much that you want more time with her than you want to avoid being her taxi.

I didn’t go to boarding school, but some of my fondest childhood memories are of long car journeys with my dad. During my teen years, he did become my taxi driver in a way. But he never made me feel guilty for this. In fact, he was always eager to take me to where I needed to go. Even when I came back from uni and got my first job, he would offer to drop me off at work every morning! We used that time to be completely present and talk about anything and everything. You seem to view the journey as more of a nuisance. My suggestion to you is you grab these small pockets of time and make them more meaningful. She will cherish those moments later on in life and it will give her comfort knowing you are there when she needs you.

Agreed. Forcing her to stay at school every second weekend because you aren't getting enough return on investment for your driving will not be forgotten for the rest of her life.

(A) make the most of the drive, it's quality time to talk and she's trapped !

(B) on the Sunday you need to give advanced notice and actually do something, she isn't going to hang about the house just in case.

(C) are you sure she always is where she says she is? I found out years later my dd was less than truthful from about 14.

Finally (D) why can't you just tell the school she's using public transport? Perfectly normal for 13 year olds travel alone even long distances, my dc were taking long distance trains younger and plenty of dc fly completely unaccompanied from 14.

Very much this! Also you have 3 sporty teenagers - of course your weekend is spent being a taxi! I'm a single parent and it's so lucky my dc do the same sport/hobby or i genuinely don't know what I would do. It takes up my entire weekends with frequent long drives on top of the 2 hour round trip 6 days a week not including competitions. I honestly can't fathom an extra hour to get her home for the weekend being a reason to not allow her home. Doesn't she engage in the sport she boards away in order to train/excel in at the weekend though or is that strictly limited to a Saturday morning? If so you are getting it pretty easy imo, with no need to run her about to training through the week nor facilitate at weekends. Your drive to collect her is a tiny amount in comparison and it wouldn't be normal for a teen to just sit home with her parents all weekend. These friendships are clearly important to her just now! As pp's have said, the drive is quality time. Ask her to have her phone away for the first half hour or so (you may find it stays away longer as you chat). No idea how you'd ever broach with her that she's not allowed to come home? An awful thing for a 13 year old to hear!

Hellswithbells, have you thought of actually talking to your DD about all this? Ask her why she feels the need to be out and about all the time during her home visits - she might actually feel a bit sidelined by something that you're not aware of.
You obviously think she is mature and responsible enough to be sent to boarding school so treat her as such and have a conversation. She could have a fear of 'missing out' by not connecting every week with these friends, if you don't discuss things with her you'll never find out. If they do socialise at one of their homes then invite them over to yours once in a while.

This is such a horrible and unnecessary thing to say to someone. Shame on you.

The drive is the only 1 to 1 time they have with their daughter, I would not try and encourage her to do that part on her own as well since the rest of the weekend consists of OP driving her sons around to different sports events. There seems to be a pecking order where the older sons gets most of the parents attention and then the parents are put out when the daughter isn't prioritising them.

If she / you are serious about her getting into elite sport surely she should be training / competing on weekends? If not then the purpose of sending her to boarding seems rather frivolous.

YABU

It is a massive rejection and controlling to say that she can’t come home as much as she wants to.

You are the adults, you chose to put her in that school. You have to live with the consequences, inconvenient as they may be, to facilitate her having access to her own home, family and friends.

Get what little contact you can with her. Time in the car, showing you care, make her pasta or have a later family dinner for god’s sake. Or tell her she needs to be home an hour earlier on Saturday rather than banning her from coming fine. Find out if she has a boyfriend, (or maybe a romantic connection is building with one of her prep school female friends??)

You must surely be the other poster with a concurrently running thread about a daughter at boarding school, who went because she excelled in her sport, and has now gone non-contact??

You seem to have the same emotionally distanced, selfish attitude and you are similarly lacking in taking personal responsibility for the situation.

If that thread isn’t yours, I strongly suggest you read it. Because unless you start putting your 13 year old child’s need for home above your own convenience, that is your future.

It sounds exhausting. Plan something nice to do together. Don't say she can't come home!
How old are your older children? Do they need ferrying? I would say Saturdays are family time and Sundays she can see her friends or vice versa. You need to make sure you have time just for her if you don't see her all week. If you are having to ferry your older kids she's just going to be sat at home on her own anyway.
Your whole weekend needs re thinking. You made the decision for her to go to boarding school, I know she wanted to go but she's a child.
Saying she can't home will affect your relationship forever.

This is a tricky situation, and it’s understandable that you’re trying to balance what’s best for your daughter (DD) with the demands and realities of family life.
Here are some perspectives to consider and possible solutions:

1. Understand DD’s Perspective

• At 13, her social life is becoming increasingly important, and she’s likely trying to maintain friendships in London while balancing her boarding school commitments.
• However, she might not fully realize the toll her routine is taking on the family, particularly the time spent driving and how little quality time you’re getting together.

1. Have an Honest Conversation

• Sit down with her to explain the impact her current schedule has on the family as a whole. Be clear that this isn’t about making her feel unwelcome but about finding a balance that works for everyone.
• Ask her what she values most about coming home every weekend and whether she feels she’s getting enough quality time with the family herself.

1. Propose Alternatives

• Every Other Weekend Home: Explain that coming home less often might make the weekends more meaningful for everyone and reduce the strain of travel.
• Adjusting Curfew: If she continues coming home every weekend, discuss limiting the time she spends with friends so there’s more time for family. For example, a 6 PM curfew on Saturdays would give you more evening time together.
• Mix It Up: Perhaps some weekends, she could invite friends to your home or spend time together as a family, incorporating her interests.

1. Consider Boarding Adjustments

• Explore whether there are activities or visits she can do at school on weekends to maintain a sense of community there without feeling "stuck."
• Could you attend some of her events at the school instead of her always coming home? This might allow for family bonding without the lengthy drives.

1. Discuss Long-Term Goals

• If boarding is helping her pursue her dream sport, remind her that sacrifices are part of the process. Coming home less often doesn’t mean you love her less; it’s about keeping the bigger picture in mind.

1. Involve DH

• Acknowledge DH’s concerns about her feeling unwelcome but emphasize that boundaries and adjustments are sometimes necessary for the health of the entire family.
• Frame the changes as a way to strengthen her relationship with all of you, rather than a rejection of her desires.

By prioritizing open communication and collaboration, you’re more likely to find a solution that feels fair and keeps the family united. Would you like help crafting a conversation plan with DD?

We have two older boys who have hobbies and sports commitments so this often means that the whole weekend is spent as a taxi

So it's fine for the boys to just get lifts everywhere and do their own thing (sports) but not dd? You can't have much quality time with your sons either if you are just driving them around to their various clubs.