DD wants to come home from boarding every weekend, then spends no time with us

[Hellswithbells]

First off, I understand boarding doesn't work for everyone, for DD it was her dream, she goes because she wants to train in specific sport and this is the best way for her to do so, we have asked if she still wants to board and she is adamant she does.

DD is the youngest of our 3 children, she is 13 and Y9. We live in London, the school is between 1.5 and 2 hours away depending on traffic. The school allows parents to collect from half 1 on a Saturday and they have to be dropped back off before 6 if having dinner at school or 7.30 if not having dinner at school. In Y7 and 8 DD would come home every other weekend, either DH or I would drive to get her and the other would take her back. She spent most of the Sunday at home and it was lovely having her back.

This year DD asked to come home every weekend, we said yes as obviously we love having her at home and miss her when she isn't around.

However, now we get back to London around 3.30, immediately she goes out to meet friends. Her curfew is 8pm right now and she is never back a second before then, she will make her self pasta when she gets in. Then on Sunday she sleeps in until about 9am, goes out at 10, gets home at 4 and we need to leave at 5ish to be back on time and get food on the way. This means other than a movie on Saturday nights we don't actually see her but do 6-8 hours of driving.

We have two older boys who have hobbies and sports commitments so this often means that the whole weekend is spent as a taxi.

I think we need to move back towards DD coming home every other weekend or giving up boarding.DH feels we can't do this as it will make her feel unwelcome. Obviously that isn't the case I love having DD at home but we don't see her when she is!

AIBU?

My youngest is about to turn 13. He could probably get some kind of scholarship for boarding, (annoyingly intelligent) but no way in the world would I even consider it. It's a very UK thing to go "oh Aria is so good at sport she must go to boarding school. " Have you considered local coaches and clubs. Have you considered the fact that if there are 5-600 girls in that school probably 2 will become elite athletes. Can't sport just be for fun?

I think you just have to suck it up for now OP. This is very normal behaviour for teenagers and if it were me l would support her in keeping these friendships albeit through gritted teeth bless you .

She sounds a great kid 😊

That's crazy for a secondary school. What age do they allow kids to leave on their own?

One of the advantages of not being in prison is that you can do things, meet people and go to places if and when you want to.

i don’t think 13yos should spend 1.5 days every weekend out of the house socialising. So YANBU to insist that stops. Seeing two friends every weekend at age 13 (who you already see all school week) sounds unhealthy.

YABU just to send her back to school every second weekend!

Shr is a child. You make the rules. You should insist and organise on family film nights, walks, museum trips, cooking together.

It’s a little strange to say you don’t get enough time with her so you want to make her stay away more when she doesn’t want to. It does feel like it’s just a petty punishment for her creating independence. Enjoy the 3-4 hours of quality time you get with her in the car at weekends and carry on with the movie nights. It’s clearly what she needs right now, some regular family life.

Teenagers don't spend a lot of time with their parents. I barely see mine, and she goes to state school.

I don't have a car but it's the journeys on public transport where we talk, or at mealtimes. I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. Talk to her on the way home from, and on the way back to school.

Also, isn't it amazing she has so many friends both at home and school?

She's being very typical for her age, OP.

This. That is your time when it comes to teens, and you have 1.5 hours of her attention, undisturbed, as long as you make it a rule that the lift is in exchange of the phone being put away during the journey.

No amount of vague anecdata will ever convince me that boarding school is the right option and not harmful for children.

She's 13. If you want to see more of her just tell her - for example- that she needs to be home for lunch on Sunday.

Currently she wants to be in her family home and with her friends at weekends. I think it would be absolutely terrible to tell her she can't come back every weekend. As other posters have said you have the time with her in the car and a film in the evening is nothing to be sniffed at. She's so young to not be coming home when she wants to.

I think it would be detrimental, basically because it's a bit inconvenient, to not bring her home.

This is normal teen behaviour and totally reasonable of your DD to want to see her friends, it should have been a consideration when you chose the school.
you sound mean, like you only want to collect her if she is going to hang out with you? Please don’t say this to her or you will cause her to feel unloved. You’re her parent and frankly her wellbeing should be your number 1 priority.

@Hellswithbells

If she wasn’t boarding, you’d probably spend the equivalent time ferrying to and from school/taking to sports.

I’d say go with her wishes. Time at home is her territory, her bed, comfort and safety - even if she is going out!

If you have to pick up, do you also have to sign her back in? Or do the school accept her in by herself? Say if she arrived back at the time that non-boarding pupils arrive?
Could you negotiate so you only need to do this one journey? Talk to the school?

Can you change your routine when she is home? Why does she make herself pasta? Could you prepare it for her so she can eat when she comes in? You could chat to her whilst she eats. I would also swap the movie for a family game every other week. You can all chat whilst you play and you’ll feel like you have spent more time with her.

If she doesn't board surely you'd be doing that run daily?
The one on one time driving with a film is probably more than most parents spend with their teenagers. I wouldn't change anything.
Do her elder DB not drive to be able to help?

you have the car journeys together at least, that’s a great opportunity to connect and find out about her week. I think you need to continue it. Make Saturday nights great when she in.

I read it as the two friends don’t go to her school so she only sees them at the weekend.

I would not pull her out of school.

In facilitating her coming home every week, or every second week, you are limiting her involvement with her school peers who do constructive things on the weekends. (sport or pony riding, or dance etc, environmental or charity teams)

She was adjusting last year so I see the reasoning but this year I think you should encourage your daughter to join a sport or a team associated with her school group. It is not sustainable for the planet, for you or for her (what about her home work?) for her to travel and then go out all weekend.

You have lost contact with her and you have lost any guidance for her to pursue healthy past times, eat and cook well etc..
How do you afford it?

Your daughter is of an age where a part time job might be attractive and she would learn responsibility. She is also missing out on learning commitment to a team. I would not like my year nine daughter to do minimal school and then party all week end.
You are right to be concerned. Just because she is at boarding school doesn't mean your daughter has left home and is independent. She might think she is but you are enabling that lifestyle, and she is becoming too accustomed to being spoilt.

Does she have any healthy boundaries or responsibilities?
How will she learn humility, thankfulness and the work that goes into becoming a great parent like you.

She is learning that her parents are a source of finance and unpaid transport. She is learning to be a consumer.
It is good for young people to learn skills and to work hard with purpose. It is one of the first times in life where they see the reward for their efforts, try out new interests and truly appreciate what other people do.

Can you visit her at school every second weekend and support her in some new pursuits?

It’s normal for teens to want to go out. I would try to find a compromise, maybe her curfew could be changed to 6 and you all have dinner and a games night once a month. Or maybe one weekend a month she doesn’t come home so you get a break.

Slightly different details in this thread but you sound exactly like the poster whose kids have cut off the family. The kids who went to boarding school and the daughter excelled at a particular sport, who you were incredibly cold about and weren't there when they were growing up?

It's just a really short time of her life OP.

Dont be the parents that wouldn't let her come home when she wanted. She'll remember that for the rest of her life - and possibly resent you for it.

I get it's inconvenient but you're doing the right thing.

My eldest is about to move out into his first home. We're very close and I'm devastated. I'd give anything for a car journey with home every weekend!

But if she wasn’t boarding at all as you suggested in OP, you’d have to get her there and back every day? So really the options are:
go to a local school and not specialise in her sport (so that’s no an option?)
or to convince her come back every other weekend
or to taxi her to school 2 hours away 6 days a week?

Tbh if she’s really not going to come back every other weekend then I’d try and just accept the current routine in the hopes it maintains a happy supportive vibe!

@user1492757084 Why does she need to have such structured weekends away from her family? In what way is that beneficial for a child's emotional development?

Your DD wants to come home to see her home friends. Home isn't just about the family as a teen. Up to you whether you facilitate her coming back to see her friends. Personally I would because your DH is right. Also because it obviously makes her happy.

Your very sport child at boarding school is able to leave at 1 on a Saturday - no fixtures? How very odd.