Husband says any man would cheat given the opportunity

[Esgd27]

I’m a bit gobsmacked. Been with my DH for 30 years and have 2 grown up kid. Our relationship is generally ok.
We were watching a TV show tonight in which a woman hired a private detective to seduce her husband to see if he was faithful to her. My DH said it was unfair as it was entrapment. I said it was a bit odd but I guess the fictional wife had some concerns and was testing her husband. My DH doubled down by saying that all men would cheat given the opportunity. I challenged him and asked if he felt like that (ie he would cheat given half a chance). He said that he would and that any man would.
A very frosty exchange followed. He raised his voice and then tried to backtrack saying that wasn’t what he’d said and he didn’t mean it. But he did definitely say it. He’d drunk a bottle of wine so no doubt that exacerbated his truculence. He then went to bed in a huff.
I’m don’t particularly think he’s been /being unfaithful - and as a slightly plump balding 60 year old I don’t think he’s exactly Casanova.
I’ve tried to tell myself that it was just a slightly drunken silly remark. But I am still fuming - I thought it was a pretty rude and disrespectful thing to say to your wife. Particularly as he doubled down and didn’t apologise. He just didn’t seem to care or think what he was saying and it raised some concerns with me about his underlying moral code.

Yes I rather agree with the husband. He is talking about the old male fantasy of having another woman without consequences, where his wife never finds out.

Tbh his observation is so footling I would not be cross with him. Unless he is actively looking (a very different thing) to cheat his comment is not outrageous.

Bloody hell 😁
Such posts about men make me so happy over and over again for not having to bother with them anymore at 45.
Set up for life, they are irrelevant to me unless
a paid maintenance regarding jobs I can't or won't do.

I think most men would if they thought they wouldn't get caught as I think they can separate sex from emotion.

I think there are men who actively go looking for sex and men who don't but would do it if the opportunity presented itself.

I find that unsettling. I genuinely wouldn’t, regardless of getting caught. I find that dishonesty and immorality quite shocking.

I mean, if it doesn’t matter, why say you’re in a monogamous relationship?
And why is it ok to steal other people’s money?

You should do it back to him. Ask him how he would feel if you cheated, given half the change. Also make a statement that most women would cheat if they could.

I wonder how that conversation would go down. I am pretty sure he'd end up in a huff, too.

I don't think it can be true. If you think of all the old couples who've been together decades and never cheated. It can't be that they've never had opportunities if they wanted to.

How many of them are there and how do you know they haven't cheated? You don't.

Even then, I suggest you find women who are proficient in trades to do those jobs for you, because not only do you boost them in their career path but you also help more women feel like they can choose a career in that vocation, meaning less women need to rely on a man for anything.

its win, win!

Bloke here. Married 40+ years (to same DW). Never cheated.

I agree with him 100%.

There may be exceptions, but I can only say I've never met one.

This question came up in our friendship group one drunken night and our married male friend said if there's 0 chance of getting caught he absolutely would.

Whether its all men I can't say but I think it would be a lot of them that would

I remember having this conversation with friends many years ago.
I think at the time we all agreed that most people, men and women, in long term “comfortable” relationships (not boring, but you know what I mean - not the early flushes of love) could be persuaded to cheat in certain hypothetical situations. If there was a 100% guarantee their partner would never find out. If the cheating was a one-off, occurring at a time that didn’t impact on family life, and didn’t require any lying. If it was going to be just one night, with someone amazingly attractive and attentive, who would never tell anyone. In a beautiful setting, nothing furtive.

I’m not sure now though. I’m in my 50s now and the idea of a romantic night in a fancy hotel doesn’t appeal to me, because I’m tired and menopausal, and my sex drive is way lower than it used to be. I’d rather sit on the settee and chat with DP for the evening, then go to sleep! But I think perhaps 20-30 years ago, had I been married/cohabiting, I could possible have been tempted.

I bet there was was still considerable infidelity, they just stayed together bc it was easier/more advantageous - women were encouraged to turn a blind eye to keep a roof over theirs and their kids heads, financial security, social acceptance, - also think about all the problems the online dna tests have caused - suddenly throwing women’s infidelities into the spotlight - the whole your dad isn’t really your dad, I thought you’d never find out conversations.

I think pretty much everyone has the opportunity to cheat if they want to. It isn't that hard for the average looking person to find someone to have sex with. It isn't lack of opportunity alone that stops people.

I guess what he is really saying is that he thinks all men would cheat if sex was offered to them and they didn't have to make an effort to go out looking for an opportunity.

No one can speak for all men. Plenty of men would cheat, plenty of men wouldn't.

I wouldn't look at him the same way again.

"All men would cheat if given the opportunity" is what cheaters (or would-be cheaters who havent found anyone willing to shag them yet) tell themselves. If they do end up cheating, rather than face the reality that they're weak and lacking in integrity, they need to believe that any man in their position would have done the same thing. It's very much like when people with abhorrent racist views say "I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking". They need to believe it, but that doesn't make it true.

I think it’s probably more that the risks were too high. If there were opportunities with guaranteed zero risk, I think things might be different.

Don’t be unsettled, people speak from their own feelings and moral standpoint, they think they can speak for all people because of how they feel inside, the kind of men they’ve met, or their low expectations of men/ women. I couldn’t sleep with anyone I’m not in love with, and I’m fiercely loyal, and there are men just like that also. I was with a guy who swore that everyone fancies lots of people and it’s like some kind of resolve that stops them from shagging other people, but he freely admitted he would shag loads of women if he didn’t think it was wrong to do so. Massive red flag there, but I was far too hooked by the time he started revealing all of that. He saw nothing wrong with mentally abusing me and lying and gaslighting, and turns out he didn’t see anything truly wrong about shagging other people as long as he didn’t get found out. When he did get found out suddenly he’s suicidal and crying- and I didn’t give a shit because he was a big fake. Remember, people speak who they are, narcissists think the way the poster you responded to does, and narcissists always think they can speak for humankind as a whole, as it’s part of their twisted disorder.

That would massively give me the ick and change my perception of him. I wouldn't be happy. He has given you an insight into his head.

100%, it’s blessing when they actually say it, because they have revealed who they are. Narcissists have to be better than other people, they can’t possibly consider they have undesirable traits/ deficiencies that others don’t have, plus they think the world revolves around them so they have zero problem speaking for all people as though they are the authority on how the whole world thinks. The whole world doesn’t think like them, from objectifying people, to having low moral standards, lacking attachment and true love, lying with ease etc, no the world as a whole does not think like them.

You don't know none of them cheated. People get away with it every day. Or they didn’t get away with it, but the other person stayed. Or they have an open relationship.

We can't know about other people's marriages.

He's telling his wife he simply hasn't had the opportunity to. But if one presented itself he would.

I really don’t think I’d take a free pass. Would find it very hard to live with myself as completely against the vows I made when we married.

I don't think he's right on this. Thinking back over my career (which involved a lot of working away), I've seen married men hook-up and have flings, often with single woman but not always. However, I've also seen married men turn down approaches including one which is still instilled in my memory who I saw run from the bar and lock himself in his hotel room. I think fantasising about something and acting on it are generally two different things. Not to Jimmy Carter though bless him. He considered even thinking about it as being unfaithful.

It is disrespectful to say this to you.

However, IME it is spot on.

Yes. Or when someone has a child who is unkind and a bully and they say "They're all like it." I've heard that one.

You don't see the problem with a man telling his partner that he would cheat on her if he had the chance?
Raise your bar