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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband says any man would cheat given the opportunity

266 replies

Esgd27 · 12/01/2025 01:53

I’m a bit gobsmacked. Been with my DH for 30 years and have 2 grown up kid. Our relationship is generally ok.
We were watching a TV show tonight in which a woman hired a private detective to seduce her husband to see if he was faithful to her. My DH said it was unfair as it was entrapment. I said it was a bit odd but I guess the fictional wife had some concerns and was testing her husband. My DH doubled down by saying that all men would cheat given the opportunity. I challenged him and asked if he felt like that (ie he would cheat given half a chance). He said that he would and that any man would.
A very frosty exchange followed. He raised his voice and then tried to backtrack saying that wasn’t what he’d said and he didn’t mean it. But he did definitely say it. He’d drunk a bottle of wine so no doubt that exacerbated his truculence. He then went to bed in a huff.
I’m don’t particularly think he’s been /being unfaithful - and as a slightly plump balding 60 year old I don’t think he’s exactly Casanova.
I’ve tried to tell myself that it was just a slightly drunken silly remark. But I am still fuming - I thought it was a pretty rude and disrespectful thing to say to your wife. Particularly as he doubled down and didn’t apologise. He just didn’t seem to care or think what he was saying and it raised some concerns with me about his underlying moral code.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/01/2025 09:11

I don't know why people are focusing on the 'all men' statement and whether they would or wouldn't. For me, the big thing is that he admitted that he would, if he had the opportunity. So the only reason he hasn't cheated (if he hasnt) is because he hasn't had chance to, not because he respects your relationship too much, or thinks cheating is wrong etc. Of course yanbu being upset by that, its a horrible thing to hear

BlueSilverCats · 12/01/2025 09:14

All men? No. Plenty would though.

That's why I find the mentality of keeping them on a "short leash" so to speak and fending other women off in order to reduce "opportunity " baffling.

A man that doesn't cheat only because he hasn't had the opportunity to do so, is still a cheat.

SandlersToe · 12/01/2025 09:15

So many women with such low standards on MN. The excuses. 🙄

RosaBaby2 · 12/01/2025 09:15

RogueFemale · 12/01/2025 02:22

I voted YABU because most men will cheat given the opportunity, but of those men who'd like to cheat, some will be deterred by the chance of discovery.

Zero chance of discovery is very rare.

So the ones who cheat either don't care, or are very stupid.

For women, the question is, do I want a highly sexed man or not.

This.

What he meant to say was any man would cheat if they knew they would never get found out.

Now of course you will get the odd on that would still not cheat.

Cue my DH wouldn't x100... But you're most likely wrong.

OP I would be fuming too.

HappyPanda613 · 12/01/2025 09:16

He’s probably right. I wish I was a lesbian to be honest, they seem way happier on average.

lizzybethx · 12/01/2025 09:16

So your husband admitted to you that he would cheat if the opportunity presented itself and then proceeded to gaslight you? Yikes. Huge red flag.

Elasticatedtrousers · 12/01/2025 09:17

Katemax82 · 12/01/2025 08:32

My husband would never say that in a million years, he is staunchly anti cheating

My husband was like this. He cheated.

Agix · 12/01/2025 09:17

I don't think all men would cheat given the opportunity at all.

It also baffles me how many people here think that's correct or almost correct. No wonder so many place all the blame on whatever OW is involved, they expect and think so little of their partner. Men aren't brainless idiots. Many of you seem married to men who couldn't give a fuck about you if that's what you think men are just "like". The bar is obviously in hell.

If my partner said that, I'd be leaving... Or even tempted to organise a honey trap for him. Usually I'd disagree with such testing/behaviour because it's disrespectful, but any guy who says "all men would cheat" to justify their own lack of faithfulness and trustworthyness doesn't really deserve much transparency or respect in the situation. It would be hilarious for some loser to think he was onto a winner but instead lose everything, and not even get his end away.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 12/01/2025 09:17

EdnaTheWitch · 12/01/2025 02:34

I’ve just asked mine, half comatosed, and he says no 🤷🏻‍♀️

He’s hardly like to say yes, is he!

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 12/01/2025 09:19

Infuriating. According to him, he’s a man and would cheat if he got the chance. Surely in the last few decades he must have had the chance? It’s very annoying but probably he was talking random nonsense after a bottle of wine.

BIossomtoes · 12/01/2025 09:20

Lots of sanctimony here. It’s pretty obvious that there are times in any long marriage when both partners will meet someone and think “Oh, if I was single I definitely would”. I know I have in the 25 years I’ve been married and I know my bloke has too. Monogamy for decades is hard.

FigTreeInEurope · 12/01/2025 09:20

This is so offensive, although i do read enough MN to understand women's view of men's fidelity. All men would not cheat at all. I have felt for many years now, as though my actual sexuality is deeply tied to my wife, the thought of being with someone else is actually unthinkable. If i found myself suddenly single, i think it would take years to feel comfortable with someone else.

Personally, i think men that cheat, do so because there is something wrong in their life, or fundementally with their character. I know that within my male friendship group you would be hugely shamed and ostricised for it too.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 12/01/2025 09:20

Yeah it doesn't necessarily mean he's cheated or will cheat. It does necessarily mean he's a twat.

ginislife · 12/01/2025 09:20

I've always said that most men, if given the chance, with zero chance of getting found out, would take an opportunity. Not an affair, but certainly a one off shag. And you're all fooling yourselves if you think they wouldn't. But would a woman ? I think far less would.

Dontknowwhattocall13893 · 12/01/2025 09:22

Thieves think everyone steals

In other words
People that do shitty things or want to do shitty things think everyone does it.

rwalker · 12/01/2025 09:22

It’s always dangerous asking hypothetical questions question because it’s not real life

but i think you can add women to that as well
I wouldn’t say just men are guilty of this

LadyKenya · 12/01/2025 09:22

MarkingBad · 12/01/2025 02:03

I don't think all men would given the opportunity. I've seen plenty of men turn down an opportunity.

It depends on who may have been offering the opportunity though. It would not surprise me that most men would probably cheat if the "right" woman was up for it.

Holu · 12/01/2025 09:26

Some men are serial cheats and will dip and in and out. They won't ever leave their wives. They simply want sex with other women. Some will only cheat for exit affair because they fundamentally aren't happy with their marriage but do want to be married. Given the chance to be with someone they're more suited to they will cheat briefly and go. I'd put at least 75% of men into either of the above categories. Women are fools who give up their own independence and stay home long term. You're just so vulnerable.

Shoezembagsforever · 12/01/2025 09:28

I think your DH was being goady but misinformed.

When in groups (work, hobbies, sport) men tend, if they're not particularly strong characters, to mirror the dominant behaviour, which may be one of objectifying women and which has probably given your DH that impression.

What men nearly all tend to do though is fantasise a lot about cheating and indulge in porn to varying degrees, but not so much in real life.

whyamiawakestillitssolate · 12/01/2025 09:30

When my DH and I went to counselling after I found out about his affair (he was vocally anti-cheating and I was a “my DH never would, we’re happy and have lots of sex so he doesn’t need to” wife) our counsellor said his experience over many years is the reason men cheat or don’t is generally as simple as opportunity with someone they find attractive and the idea they won’t get caught. Very depressing really.

Shoezembagsforever · 12/01/2025 09:30

Dontknowwhattocall13893 · 12/01/2025 09:22

Thieves think everyone steals

In other words
People that do shitty things or want to do shitty things think everyone does it.

This is a very good point too.

Elphamouche · 12/01/2025 09:34

The only man I know who has said this, is one who had been cheating for 15 years! Bollocks would they.

SoldierofFortune · 12/01/2025 09:36

Hmm. I have been with DH since I was 18, married 30 years and never cheated.

However, as a thought experiment. If I was still young and beautiful and I was on a solo trip abroad - say, a conference - and met a beautiful man with zero connections to my real life and he was interested in me, would I cheat as a one-off? I don't know, but it might be a fantasy to do so. In reality I went on several solo trips for conferences etc and never even flirted with anyone. I have a huge amount invested in this relationship and wouldn't want to jeopardize it. But on the other hand, the thought of being desirable and desired, the thought of passion and being swept away, is quite seductive.

In reality I wouldn't do it because of the risks and the threat to my stability and relationship, and that I love my DH and would hate to hurt him. But if it came with an absolute guarantee that no one would find out, nothing would change, I would not be eaten up with guilt....maybe I would have?

myplace · 12/01/2025 09:40

FigTreeInEurope · 12/01/2025 09:20

This is so offensive, although i do read enough MN to understand women's view of men's fidelity. All men would not cheat at all. I have felt for many years now, as though my actual sexuality is deeply tied to my wife, the thought of being with someone else is actually unthinkable. If i found myself suddenly single, i think it would take years to feel comfortable with someone else.

Personally, i think men that cheat, do so because there is something wrong in their life, or fundementally with their character. I know that within my male friendship group you would be hugely shamed and ostricised for it too.

There’s a massive clustering effect, I think. None of my friends have divorced. None have had affairs. None have been cheated on (as far as they know). We are all perhaps a bit boring, very busy, and with other priorities.

In other circles it seems to be very much an option.

People are saying that in their male workplaces, many do. In DH’s male workplace, they aren’t allowed to talk in that way. At all. It makes him slightly uncomfortable for fear of talking about something he shouldn’t- he really doesn’t need to, because he never would, but he’s a worrier 🤣

Different groups develop cultures I think.

Live247 · 12/01/2025 09:42

I would say 80% of men would cheat in right circumstances. It's amazing how open men are with each other about this.

Some of the things people I know get upto, behind their wife's back, is actually mindblowing.

Of the blokes I know who do or have cheated on their partners. Only 1 out of about 10 have ever been caught out and that was after a years.