Husband says any man would cheat given the opportunity

[Esgd27]

I’m a bit gobsmacked. Been with my DH for 30 years and have 2 grown up kid. Our relationship is generally ok.
We were watching a TV show tonight in which a woman hired a private detective to seduce her husband to see if he was faithful to her. My DH said it was unfair as it was entrapment. I said it was a bit odd but I guess the fictional wife had some concerns and was testing her husband. My DH doubled down by saying that all men would cheat given the opportunity. I challenged him and asked if he felt like that (ie he would cheat given half a chance). He said that he would and that any man would.
A very frosty exchange followed. He raised his voice and then tried to backtrack saying that wasn’t what he’d said and he didn’t mean it. But he did definitely say it. He’d drunk a bottle of wine so no doubt that exacerbated his truculence. He then went to bed in a huff.
I’m don’t particularly think he’s been /being unfaithful - and as a slightly plump balding 60 year old I don’t think he’s exactly Casanova.
I’ve tried to tell myself that it was just a slightly drunken silly remark. But I am still fuming - I thought it was a pretty rude and disrespectful thing to say to your wife. Particularly as he doubled down and didn’t apologise. He just didn’t seem to care or think what he was saying and it raised some concerns with me about his underlying moral code.

Let’s take a few words out:

”A man that doesn’t cheat […] is still a cheat.”

Makes no sense.

Yes I think if they had no chance of being caught many would

This.
It would give me the ick but it was a stupid comment in the context of a trivial conversation. I wouldn’t attach importance to it per se.

Mine said no as well when I asked him years ago.

He's now very much an exh as he cheated more than once.

And so would many women. I can’t be the only one who’s seen how some married women behave at conferences.

What does he say sober?

I’d be having a sober conversation about whether he’s been faithful through your marriage, and whether he considers monogamy to be the goal and expectation of the marriage.

would he cheat given the opportunity? cause it’s hard NOT to have the opportunity.

I think what makes this difficult to grasp for many women on this thread is that, in all honesty, they know this to be true and they don’t want it to be. It’s just another one of these inconvenient facts of life that we wish didn’t exist but sadly it does. Your husband, your father, your sensitive and caring brother who always attends local feminist rallies, would cheat if they could get away with it.

You only know what you know. I know personally two happily married couples, long term years married, where both husbands have regular affairs and one night stands. Wives havent a clue. Both director level roles and unpredictable hours and work nights away, so their behaviour doesnt change.

we also know one study found 30% of men questioned would force a women to have sex with them if they knew they would get away with it.

we also know 70000 men were in a group about raping women.

i doubt these men would have any issues with affairs and ons.

I’m any man, and no. No, I would not. What do I gain? Very little but can lose a lot. It’s like those stupid, would you cheat for £1m videos which makes zero sense to me as £1m isn’t a lot of money, it wouldn’t even pay expenses for the house I already own.

Yeah, cheating is not on and I wouldn’t cheat if given the chance.

i asked my exh if he would ever be interested in another woman.
He replied “yeah…i became blind when i married you”.
He met someone alse.

But that’s very different to I would cheat. Attraction doesn’t remove the ability to think for yourself. You can choose not to have sex or intimacy with someone.

I don't think its true that any man would, but i think a lot would.
Also women, because i think infidelity is very common in both sexes.

You asked a stupid question and received a sarcastic reply. Would you ever see another good looking, sexy man and think “Oh, look at you!”. I won’t believe you if you say no.

Maybe... but I think you are being too kind to him. The fact he buys into the idea, and is asserting his 'right' in that way is itself a big issue. As it speaks to how he sees his relationship and how he sees cheating. And it has real-world implications too. Someone who thinks everyone else is doing something bad (evading tax, shoplifting, cheating) is far more likely to actually do it.

If I told my wife I had a right to control her finances, and that all men know really that that's their role in the household, it would be a big red flag even if I didn't in fact starve her of cash.

Yes I think most men would given the right circumstances. I have been cheated on by husband of near thirty years so I might be biased in my opinion. A lot of women would too but women tend to have different priorities.

Thanks for all your replies.
I get all the ‘maybe most men would given the chance….’ comments. But I think it’s a bit different to privately think this compared to saying it in this way to your wife. That still seems to me pretty rude and disrespectful. Exacerbated by no acknowledgement why I might have a problem with this.
Needless to say no apology forthcoming this morning. Just a terrible atmosphere. Am now feeling like I’m in the wrong to have called him out on his assertions. Definitely shades of gaslighting.

Possibly the most depressing statistic is that the men most likely to cheat are those married to 'female bread-winners'. Least likely to cheat are women who are financially dependent on their husbands.

@Esgd27 He's also just about in the age group of men most likely to cheat 50-59.

I think it’s a bit different to privately think this compared to saying it in this way to your wife. That still seems to me pretty rude and disrespectful

After 30 years surely most people feel sufficiently secure and comfortable to voice their innermost thoughts to their spouse? I’d rather it was out in the open personally.

I wouldn’t wait for him to get the opportunity, he’s telling you to your face he doesn’t believe the vows he spoke on his wedding day. If a woman looked at him twice he would take the chance. He doesn’t respect you and he’s telling you it.

You deserve so much better than an “usually okay” relationship where he doesn’t give a fuck and has no plan to stay committed, besides not actively looking for someone to cheat with

What kills me is he tells you he would cheat on you given the chance and then he goes to bed in a huff 🙄

@HangryLikeTheHulk well of course it makes no sense if you take the main thing out.

@Esgd27 Ignore the apologists on here - what he said was not ok, it was a betrayal in itself since he was saying that he would cheat if he had the chance, that you have no right to trust him or trust your marriage, that he has no essential loyalty or moral compass.

He's told you he is open to cheating on you and may well have done already, and feels it’s natural and his right as a male to state it.

It’s kicked your trust in him nearly to death I would say. YANBU.

I don't fully understand what he means by 'opportunity' to cheat. Every sexually functioning person has the opportunity to cheat more or less as long as they can be alone for an hour. These days I understand it couldn't be easier to engage a sex worker online (I have no experience, it could be a total PITA like every other online service), or go to a bar and give someone the glad eye until you get some interest. Men and women generally all have the opportunity at some point if they want to cheat. Does he mean if sex was offered off the bat rather than having to be proactive?

Obviously I can't be sure but I know lot of men who aren't perfect humans by any means but whom I genuinely think wouldn't be interested in a random shag, even with a very attractive woman. Plenty I think would go for it but not all by any means.

Sure they would. Not 'all', but the majority would. If the right opportunity arose with no chance of discovery whatsoever? Like 95% would, if not more.

It's similar to the 'all men watch porn'. And all the 'nono, not MINE, I'm 100% CERTAIN of it'. Sure you are. The vast majority of them do. And so do lot of women.

I'd not only cheat 'if the right circs' arise, I actually did, multiple times, when abroad. My partner is none the wiser. I'm sure he did the same, as we both often travel without each other. Tbh, it's just a shag, what's the big deal, we're both quite relaxed about it.

I'd also 100% rob a bank, if there'd be zero consequences.

I'm a woman, not a man, just in case.