Husband says any man would cheat given the opportunity

[Esgd27]

I’m a bit gobsmacked. Been with my DH for 30 years and have 2 grown up kid. Our relationship is generally ok.
We were watching a TV show tonight in which a woman hired a private detective to seduce her husband to see if he was faithful to her. My DH said it was unfair as it was entrapment. I said it was a bit odd but I guess the fictional wife had some concerns and was testing her husband. My DH doubled down by saying that all men would cheat given the opportunity. I challenged him and asked if he felt like that (ie he would cheat given half a chance). He said that he would and that any man would.
A very frosty exchange followed. He raised his voice and then tried to backtrack saying that wasn’t what he’d said and he didn’t mean it. But he did definitely say it. He’d drunk a bottle of wine so no doubt that exacerbated his truculence. He then went to bed in a huff.
I’m don’t particularly think he’s been /being unfaithful - and as a slightly plump balding 60 year old I don’t think he’s exactly Casanova.
I’ve tried to tell myself that it was just a slightly drunken silly remark. But I am still fuming - I thought it was a pretty rude and disrespectful thing to say to your wife. Particularly as he doubled down and didn’t apologise. He just didn’t seem to care or think what he was saying and it raised some concerns with me about his underlying moral code.

Some men keep their promises. even though it's hard. Some don't. Some recognise that keeping promises is hard and take steps to avoid getting the opportunity to break promises.

It's hard to love, honour and cherish someone constantly over the years. We are only human. However the good people work at it

ETA people say stupid stuff all the time but if when questioned they would admit to actively and knowingly betraying you if they could, I would review staying married.

This sums it up! ☝️ 🎯

'Any man would cheat, given the chance!'

Sounds like some fat, old, balding bloke who's bitter at not getting any action outside of his marriage.

What a prize you've ended up with.

I agree with him. He said what he actually thinks with his guard down. In vino veritas.

There will now follow a 'misandry!!!' backlash - which is contradicted by the number of blindsided women right here on Mumsnet whose worlds have been shattered by the discovery that their seemingly lovely faithful blokes have been dipping their wicks elsewhere.

I am convinced they are more likely to compartmentalise and juggle wife & kids, mistress, affairs, prostitutes than women. Convinced.

So eyes open. Ears to the ground. Etc. You've been warned.

His behaviour is dreadful.

He's in a huff because because he thinks it's his god given right to be able to cheat and for whatever reason, he can't. No one fancies him. Don't let yourself be gaslit into feeling bad for calling him out on what he said - he's been very clear.

I'd be so grossed out with him at this point OP. He's absolutely frustrated and pissed off that he has no choice but to be faithful because no one else wants him. The question really is, do you even want him any more?

Personally, I think in this short life we have, time is too precious to be spending it playing second fiddle to the delusions of a male who is lacking in a solid moral compass.

Can you trust him moving forwards?

This! It's fucking liberating.

Regardless of our own individual circumstances (I'm definitely not set up for life albeit I'm in my 40s), more and more of us women are actively choosing this path and for blindingly obvious reasons.

My response would be "well it's a good job you're an ugly sod then isn't it and the opportunity is unlikely to arise".

Use this as an opportunity to have a conversation - when you’re both sober. Just honestly tell him how it made you feel. I’ve met countless women who believe what your husband said. I always thought that was sad - to have that low expectation of men. And it’s sad when a man admits he believes the same.

The other alternative is to run away and join a women’s commune?! And the only polyamorous/non-monogamous relationships I’ve witnessed in real-life usually are just women who’ve given up expecting anyone to be faithful and the man in the relationship ( whether they identify as one or not) looks like the cat that got the cream.

Exactly, she’s being realistic. It’s making her question all sorts about their relationship and attraction etc, and she’s feeling like he pulled the rug out from under her, like he thinks he could “do better”. I’ve been there! Even though my ex was more attractive to me than anything and I could see why women would go for him, I was seriously put out, being younger than him, as attractive, I felt he was saying he didn’t value me

I think if there was a guaranteed zero chance of discovery, a lot more people would cheat than would maybe admit it.

Maybe fidelity needs a rethink. So many seem unable, unwilling or even uninterested in it.

Tell him you can see he’s out of sorts today, a bit grumpy and fed up. Ask him what he’s worrying about. Ask him to articulate why he’s huffy today.

I’d be really interested in his answer.

Is he cross he’s given himself away? Cross he’s never had the opportunity? Thinking that now you’ll cheat because you know he would? Cross because you know no one made a pass at him.

If he can explain why he’s huffy, you’ll find it helpful to decide how to react.

I get it. It’s really disrespectful for him to say it to you, for starters. I would be feeling like my husband was a bit pathetic-old chubby bald 60 year old wanting his leg over with a bit on the side. Ick.

I agree.

This is your husband telling you he would cheat.

And he probably has.

Cheating is about moral character. No, not “every man” is of such low moral character that they would cheat given the chance.

However your DH is demonstrating once again that the biggest misandrists on the planet are men.

Same.

I recall a guy I dated years ago. Before we got together I had hit on him and he turned me down as he had a girlfriend. He could easily have got away with it as he was staying away from home that weekend and neither I nor the girlfriend knew the other existed till that point.

He said it was very tempting but “no” as he had a girlfriend.

Years later they had split up (for unrelated reasons) and he was single and eventually we got together.

I think your husband is quite awful. Honestly, I know there's a lot of negative comments here about how majority of men would if there were no consequences but I don't really believe that. I know it's wrong to blindly trust but there are so many men who I know in my life, including my husband, who just wouldn't find the need? They are happy with their wives and cheating is unnecessary for them. They aren't all animals.

And yet I have seen men turn down opportunities multiple times

This is how many of them think, you got honesty from a man which is kind of impressive. Once you realise this truth, it’s up to you whether you want to invest in one (I’m done personally)

Go talk to a sex worker, you’ll understand

This. I know a large number would but I used to travel for work around a lot of married male expats whose wives were back in their home countries.

A very large number took opportunities to cheat but there was a not insignificant number who did not.

Actually making the decision to cheat is about moral character. Some people are of lower morals and values than others and that spills over into multiples areas of their lives.

Controlling behaviour isn’t it

Also - if my husband of 30 years told me this I would be livid and assume he had cheated but not sure what I would do beyond that.

If a new man I was dating told me this I would dump him immediately as evidently our moral values would not be aligned.

I think being honest. Most people would if they thought they would never get caught. People are programmed to have sex for continuation of the species

What a bastard. And the nerve to get angry with YOU after confessing something so horrible and awful!