AIBU to think MIL should come to us after baby is born, not expect us to drive?

[rocketdogjazzin]

My MIL lives about 150 miles and 3.5 hours away from us, and we’ve made the trip to visit her four times this year. She made the return journey once, but now she’s becoming increasingly reluctant to make the drive herself.

We’re expecting our first baby in March, and when we visited last week, she casually mentioned that we’ll be visiting her soon with the newborn. I just said, "Well, we’ll have to see how everyone is," because it got me thinking that we’re not really sure when or how a trip like that would work.

The baby’s car seat does have a lie-flat mode, but I’m concerned about the long journey, especially considering that babies are supposed to be in car seats for a limited time (half-hour stretches for the first 4-6 weeks). Plus, I have no idea how I’ll be feeling post-birth, and I’ll be establishing breastfeeding and settling into new parenthood. Selfishly, I think it would be much easier for me to stay at home where I’m comfortable and have everything set up, rather than trying to manage a long drive and staying at her house.

Also, MIL tends to be around constantly when we visit - it is her home after all - and I’m anticipating that I’ll want some space with the baby especially in those first few weeks. I’d prefer to limit visitors to a few hours at a time, but I’m not sure how that would go down at her house when we're the visitors.

AIBU to think that we should stay home until we’re happy with the journey and not commit to anything until we know for sure? I also think if MIL wants to meet the baby, she can come to us. I’m just not ready for long journeys and staying away from home so soon after giving birth. I realise I probably should have said something when she brought it up, but I was so taken aback that I didn’t know how to respond. Now it feels awkward to go back and say it won’t work. I’m hoping she doesn’t bring it up again but want to know if that's reasonable.

Hi Op, we had a very similar situation when I had my two kids.

when I had my first I lived down south, about an hour from my in laws and about 3 hours from my parents. Both came to visit on the day/the day after the baby was born. Neither stayed with us or for very long. I had an EMCS and there is no way I could have travelled anywhere for a while or hosted anyone.

There were days when my nipples were red raw and cracked and I had to basically sit around topless! Not ideal hosting attire.

second birth I had moved up north so this time near my parents and about 4 hours from in laws. We said everyone was welcome to visit but they could stay in a hotel if they wanted to stay for longer. My MIL came up and back in a day I think on the train. FIL stayed in a local premier inn or somewhere and visited a couple of times for an hour or two. My parents would drop in but never longer than an hour.

my second birth was a lot more straight forward but I had a bit episiotomy and could not have sat in a car. I struggled even sitting on the couch sometimes. I also couldn’t stop myself farting for a few weeks which was quite funny but also not ideal around in laws!

I think we all look back on when we had kids and realise some things we did were quite precious and we probably could have compromised more. But I do think you get some licence when you have a baby to ring fence that time to just hunker down and get to know your baby with as few pressures as possible. My first also had terrible colic for about 10 weeks, would have been nightmare at someone else’s house or having visitors.

I would say don’t commit to anything, stay at home, and on this occasion let your MIL worry about logistics. If it’s too much you can arrange a visit when the baby is a bit older.

good luck with it all!!

If her condition deteriorates is there a plan for the future?

I never knew this until right now, I'm in shock! My ds used to love sleeping in his car seat.
He was hard to settle and we'd often leave him in it for hours.

Even without knowing this (and she probably doesn't, I'm in my 50s and just learnt it today) it's too much to expect you to travel there with a newborn!

Do you think mil actually expects to see you within a few weeks of the baby being born? If so, this is a huge expectation and I think your DH needs to talk to her beforehand, manage her expectations.

She’s in her mid sixties.

Definitely not unreasonable. Aside from assuming you’re fine to drive 3,5 hours with sleep deprivation after a massive medical event (all births no matter how natural and good they went are incredibly taxing to women‘s bodies) which I find a bit presumptuous, it’s not something to be expected with a newborn. Precisely because of the inability of newborns to sit for a longer time on car seats as you’ve pointed out.

So it’s perfectly fine to say, let’s see how it goes. You need to feel healthy, strong and well rested enough for such a trip. If she can’t wait until then, there are ways for her to visit - train, asking someone to drive etc. And staying overnight at an air BnB or something can be also figured out, with your husband getting her back and forth if needed.

You do what’s best for you and the baby.

Needing to stop overthinking about things is the story of my life! This thread has helped though. The equality issue between grandparents is hard, because how can it be equal when my parents are both closer and prepared to travel. We’ve tried to make things as equal as possible for the moment: set up a Google photos album for the baby so everyone can see the same baby pictures if they want to (and if they don’t then they have to click on the link), we told them about the pregnancy at the same time, everyone had the all the same information and updates about the pregnancy. But when the baby is born my parents will be able to drive over to call in and meet the baby, and my MIL won’t (most likely) and we won’t be able to go to see her (most likely). That’s not equal, but banning my parents from visiting because MIL can’t isn’t fair either.

No, and it’s something we’ve thought about especially as DH is an only child. She’s mentioned moving closer to us which has advantages, but also concerns about how she’ll settle into a new area. Where she is she has friends, clubs she can attend and a social system which she doesn’t have here and building that from scratch will be hard for her, especially with a disability. Her condition has been stable for a while now, but if it deteriorates then we’ll just have to see what that looks like and what she wants if it happens.

It’s perfectly reasonable for a woman (especially an autistic, highly introverted one) to need a few weeks to adjust to being post-partum and breastfeeding and bleeding before she has guests to stay.

It’s nothing to do with not liking MIL. What you’re suggesting is that MIL always comes first regardless of a post-partim’s woman’s needs.

It’s perfectly acceptable to explain that you won’t be making long car journeys for a while - my family are 4 hours away and no one expected us to do that journey straight away. My family are pretty rubbish when it comes to travelling to us for a variety of reasons, health being one, but did come to us when our children were born and another once before we went there. We tend to do all the travelling, but didn’t take the children until they were six months old. They are twins and I couldn’t face that drive too early on! My in laws lived abroad at the time and didn’t come over until about 10 weeks after they were born, their choice and that was fine. Get your DH to have a chat with her and see what she is comfortable with. Don’t overthink it, you are not being unreasonable at all.

Just stop thinking about it. You're not due for another month.

You might be raring to get out of the house six weeks later; you might not. When my twins were 6 weeks old we travelled 200 miles and stayed with my mum, doing the rounds of family. We broke down on the motorway, it was snowing, we spent 5 hours at a service station, but otherwise it was lovely.

Just go with the flow. I promise you, from the bottom of my heart, making decisions now about what you will and won't do is just going to stress you out if and when those plans don't come off exactly how you want them to.

This is true. Not everyone wants to be indoors with a newborn.

I would wait and see how you feel when the baby is born. I wouldn’t get worried over it now, you have no idea. You might be in a physical state where it’s not possible or you might want to show off your precious new baby. That said, the choice is always yours and you should prioritise the health and wellbeing of you and your baby for this short period of time.

If and when I have grandchildren, you can bet I’d find a way to travel and stay in a hotel if it meant supporting my adult child and a new grandchild. I have quite significant health issues and a disability but wild horses wouldn’t keep me away.

if she wants to see baby, she comes to you, at a time and day dictated by you and entirely on your terms

Does the samecapplybto the OP's patents or is it just MIL who is dictated to?

It's laughable isn't it..

I do wonder the state of some people's relationships when they think it is right that they should dictate what is happening and when, and want to control everything that happens around them, with no input whatsoever from the husbands/partners etc. (I'm not saying OP is actually doing that, but many posters on here seem to feel scarily comfortable with that).

I'm sure DH may want his mum to meet the baby.. but he didn't physically birth it so definitely doesn't get any say as to who visits and when??

The world is too much like this now, everyone out for themselves.

Sounds like the last sentence could possibly apply to the MIL too. Why does she get to do what’s best for her without considering a new mother and a tiny newborn? It’s a short period in their life where they should come first.

I've said multiple times that I want it to be fair. I also don't want my parents to stay overnight and will have the same boundaries with the baby as MIL. The difference for me is that my parents only live an hour away and can travel to us for daytime visits. My MIL lives 3.5+ hours away and can't travel. That's not me dictating, that's just the circumstances. I won't be stopping my parents visiting just because MIL can't in the interest of perceived fairness because that seems ridiculous to me. This isn't a parent vs in laws post. If my parents were the same distance away and unable to travel, then we wouldn't be able to travel to them either (or at least not be able to commit to anything as I can't do now) because all the logistical issues of a long drive postpartum with a newborn would apply.

I think everyone who is saying don't worry about this now, don't commit to anything, and just see how the baby and I are and we can go from there are totally right. I'm a huge over thinker, and this thread has really helped but I know there's nothing else I can do at the moment and this is not a now problem. Hopefully my brain will stop focussing on this issue soon.

Definitely try to relax…..as much as possible with a new baby due soon! 😉
You never know how things will go and maybe MIL will visit but stay elsewhere and pop over and be helpful and wonderful.

Completely agree with everything you've said here. My in laws live a couple of hours away and came to visit for the day and then went back home. My parents live in the same town as me. Your MIL is able to travel with her friends so she needs to either travel to you and stay in a hotel or wait 6 months or so until it's easier to travel with a baby. I would not have been able to travel that far postpartum. It's also a faff packing all the baby things. Some women have easy births, some women don't.

Except the MIL isn't insisting on doing what is best or her, OP and her DH always go to visit her from the sounds of it, so she has (harmlessly IMO) assumed that will carry on but with baby in tow, an actual conversation needs to be had about it before anyone can be accused of being unreasonable or 'demanding' in some way.

No one has done anything wrong here, it sounds like a miscommunication to be fair, which could have been all cleared up if OP had said something at the time to explain that the normal travel arrangements may have to change now, or at least temporarily anyway.

It needs a conversation in fairness and DH should probably be the one to approach it.

The half an hour rule doesn't actually count for lie flat seats, this is because non lie flats can restrict oxygen because of their head position. Long journeys are often actually quite easy with a baby so I think this is a bit of a fuss in honesty. We used to go in the evening so dd would sleep from the car motion. It really isn't that long a journey either.

It sounds to me that part of the issue is perspective and taking things literally. Is some kind of delivery injury/post partum adjustment taking 2 months an unforeseeable or foreseeable risk?

Rocket doesn't say she doesn't want to go there, Rocket is -based on the information she has and the level of uncertainty - unwilling to commit to going there in any specific moment and to any specific plan.
Which is ok. It is just one of the approaches, but it isn't better or worse than happily planning a newborn meeting and cancelling when the situation doesn't allow it. And it is much better than the middle ground - planning the meeting, hoping for the best and than feeling unable to cancel.

Actually, the MIL might be quite reasonable when they explain that it isn't probable their next visit would be possible soon/in 3 months as usually, and that the probable options are soon in their area and using a hotel, a bit later in their area and staying with them, or even later them going there.

Well said @sandyhappypeople

OP, as far as I am aware it's 20-30mins per trip but 2hours per day max for the first 3 months. These are what I followed for my babies. Although both of mine hated the car seat until 5/6months so no chance would I have planned a 7hr round trip. I never let them cry more than 10mins without stopping so it would have taken us days to get to MILS!

Take things at your own pace, MIL can make the effort for her grandchild if she can do it for her hobby.

And it's pretty pointless comparing to what you'd do for your parents since you'd obviously be more comfortable around them. It's you that will have given birth not your DP. It's you who has to establish breastfeeding and manage the postpartum hormones not him. Your comfort should be a priority as happy mum equals happy baby.

I tore from front to back, I could not think of anything worse than having to sit for that length of time to visit someone. You will put a few noses out of joint when it comes to having a baby, you'll just need to accept that. People believe it is their right to see a new baby as and when they wish. It is not. You absolutely see how you, your partner and new baby are feeling and go from there. Sometimes you need to be quite firm with people, for them to understand but if you don't set boundaries right from the start, it will only get worse if I'm honest.

I hope everything goes well with the birth and that you get to enjoy some much needed bonding time. Good luck with everything 😊