AIBU to think MIL should come to us after baby is born, not expect us to drive?

[rocketdogjazzin]

My MIL lives about 150 miles and 3.5 hours away from us, and we’ve made the trip to visit her four times this year. She made the return journey once, but now she’s becoming increasingly reluctant to make the drive herself.

We’re expecting our first baby in March, and when we visited last week, she casually mentioned that we’ll be visiting her soon with the newborn. I just said, "Well, we’ll have to see how everyone is," because it got me thinking that we’re not really sure when or how a trip like that would work.

The baby’s car seat does have a lie-flat mode, but I’m concerned about the long journey, especially considering that babies are supposed to be in car seats for a limited time (half-hour stretches for the first 4-6 weeks). Plus, I have no idea how I’ll be feeling post-birth, and I’ll be establishing breastfeeding and settling into new parenthood. Selfishly, I think it would be much easier for me to stay at home where I’m comfortable and have everything set up, rather than trying to manage a long drive and staying at her house.

Also, MIL tends to be around constantly when we visit - it is her home after all - and I’m anticipating that I’ll want some space with the baby especially in those first few weeks. I’d prefer to limit visitors to a few hours at a time, but I’m not sure how that would go down at her house when we're the visitors.

AIBU to think that we should stay home until we’re happy with the journey and not commit to anything until we know for sure? I also think if MIL wants to meet the baby, she can come to us. I’m just not ready for long journeys and staying away from home so soon after giving birth. I realise I probably should have said something when she brought it up, but I was so taken aback that I didn’t know how to respond. Now it feels awkward to go back and say it won’t work. I’m hoping she doesn’t bring it up again but want to know if that's reasonable.

We had a lay flat car seat (amazing) and a baby with silent reflux. We couldn’t travel more than 10 minutes without her screaming. I think the furthest journey we went on was 45 minutes in those first few months. Even without the reflux and with a flat seat 3.5 hours each way would be a no for me.

invite her to yours and suggested staying overnight locally (7 hour round trip for an hour or so visit is a bit much either way).

From the sounds of it, she sounds excited and said something along the lines of "just think, soon you'll be here with a newborn". The OP is absolutely right to think that she shouldn't have to travel anywhere when she's just had a baby and that's fine. But it seems slightly harsh to call her a "selfish bloody cow" when she's just, presumably, excited to see her grandchild.

I wish people here would remember that one day it might be them excited to see their impending grandchild, and that in laws aren't all evil people trying to rule the roost.

Absolutely.

God no, she needs to come to you and even then only when you're ready. We had to travel with our baby (family wedding) - was a nightmare, he of course slept the whole journey, was then up all night, I was absolutely knackered.

You’re not being unreasonable. For the reason of regular breaks required / new borns not always loving car journeys we avoided anything close to this for the first eight weeks and beyond. Also frankly having all the stuff in the place you’re used to having it is soooo much easier when they’re so little.

sounds like it’s worth managing expectations now. Best of luck with it all x

You 100% are not being selfish.
She is being extremely unreasonable.
When my now grown DC were babies our in laws were like this. My DH - who had a very emotionally abusive upbringing (which I didn’t fully realise) Would drive us back most weekends. This was what he did when growing up. Saw GPs at weekends. Except they were 20 minutes away not 1.5 hours on the M25 and M40.
When I was pregnant with DS 2 I said I wouldn’t be doing this anymore. He was welcome to take the DC himself but I wouldn’t going.
I remember DH nearly fell asleep at traffic lights once on one of those journeys. He was so exhausted. It was dangerous.
They visited for the birth. And then really rarely came again. It was totally fine. We would invite them. They would make excuses.
Stick to your guns. A visit from after a couple of months maybe - 6 months potentially. When things have settled a little
But most definitely not before that.

MIL is being very unreasonable.

She wants you to put her convenience over your baby's health and safety and your own health and comfort.

That's a we'll see you when we see you.

I would tell her now that you won't be making that journey with a newborn and that you'll be recuperating from the birth and getting used to feeding and being a new parent at home, where she's welcome to visit you.

We did an incredibly long car journey when DC1 was 2 months old to visit family. This was my choice and I wanted to do it but in hindsight it was a terrible idea. I was far too fresh from the birth, DC1 had feeding issues and actually ended up in hospital on the trip after catching a horrendous virus and needing to be on a drip. It was so horrible and I regretted making such a big journey and trying to please everyone when all I really needed was to be at home with DH and getting into some sort of routine and prioritising my own recovery. Please don’t feel pressured OP

It's really important that you please yourself especially in the first months or years of parenthood.

Set the boundaries from the off or people will absolutely try and take the piss.

Everything you've said is completely logical. Theres no way you'll want to travel that far and stay with someone within the first few weeks if you can help it.

Get your partner to explain this - either come to you or wait a while for a visit.

YANBU. A 3.5 drive postpartum with a new born? No thanks.

The last thing a new mother and newborn needs is to be travelling any further afield than home or hospital, she knows this but was hoping to trap you into agreeing to her benefit.
You need to think and suit yourself when baby comes, draw your own boundary and if she doesn't want to travel that is fine but she can't make you or expect you to either.

I made an 8 hour car journey to my MIL at 8 weeks postpartum.

It was horrendous - my vagina swelled up from the pressure of the car journey, I got a vagina infection, and MIL upset me by calling herself 'mum' to my baby, said baby preferred her, and said that she wanted me to leave baby with her and FIL for days without me or DH.

Never again. Pregnant again and this time I won't be travelling anywhere until I'm ready (and I thought 8 weeks postpartum wasn't too early - it was)

I agree. I asked family members who lived a couple of hours away to visit us (we agreed on a day and they stayed for a few hours, not overnight).

She needs to come to you and when it suits you

Just make it really clear op that you'll only be making the drive when you physically feel up to it and when baby is a little older and can cope with the long journey in the car but if she wants to see baby before then she's welcome to visit.

To do stops every 30 minutes would take you absolutely ages so I just wouldn't be setting myself up for that. My family lived 2 hrs away and I didn't drive the whole way to their with ds for a few months but I met them halfway a few times and hosted them as much as they wanted to visit.

You just do what suits you in the early months op and other people can work round you.

I'm assuming there is public transport available for the majority of her journey so no reading why she can't get a bus or train and be collected by your dh.

Don't go visiting with a newborn. It will be very stressful for you. Breastfeeding, baby having crying jags, you and H up at night hoping the rest of the household isn't disturbed, all the nappies, the mess that can happen while getting breastfeeding going - stay in the comfort and convenience of your own home to deal with that. MIL needs to have her expectations adjusted.

Make sure your husband understands that you're not going to snap back and get on with life as usual after the baby is born, and that neither of you would be safe behind the wheel for the first months (because endless sleepless nights will impair you to the same extent as driving drunk).

You poor thing, that is horrendous behaviour.

How old is MIL?

YANBU to not want to spend hours in the car but she might NBU either, older people can struggle with long journeys as well.

I would just say “well neither of us can cope with the long journey but you’re welcome to come down when you feel up to it!”

We had family 4 hours from us. We waited to do the trip for maybe 4m (2nd baby was 3 1/2 m). Even at that age, you have to stop and take the baby out of the car seat every 2 hours so the trip takes longer. Newborns aren't meant to be in more than like 30 min so we didn't even consider longer travel. Plus, you have to take so much stuff with you.

I'd tell MIL that you'll visit her when baby is ready to travel.

How do people get them home from hospital? Lots of us aren't within 30mins of a hospital,but mother isn't going to feel like being parked up by the side of the road while father removes newborn from the car seat for the neessary period.

I wondered that too. I had my son in 1977 and people (including me) didn't baulk at travelling fairly long distances with babies back then. You'd have been considered rather strange if you said you couldn't travel more than 30 minutes because you were a new mum. Unless of course you or the baby were very unwell.

The 30 minutes I think is because of the position of a baby in a car seat. If I remember rightly, it makes it harder for them to breath, so they can get distressed if left for long time.
In 1977 you probably held the baby or had them in the top of the pram on the back seat (so lying down) - that's assuming you had a car, which fewer people did then.

You’ve visited them four times this year? That’s pretty impressive seeing we’re not even two weeks into the new year! (I presume you mean 2024).

She should definitely travel to you. You need to start imposing your boundaries now. Don’t let her control the narrative.