AIBU to think MIL should come to us after baby is born, not expect us to drive?

[rocketdogjazzin]

My MIL lives about 150 miles and 3.5 hours away from us, and we’ve made the trip to visit her four times this year. She made the return journey once, but now she’s becoming increasingly reluctant to make the drive herself.

We’re expecting our first baby in March, and when we visited last week, she casually mentioned that we’ll be visiting her soon with the newborn. I just said, "Well, we’ll have to see how everyone is," because it got me thinking that we’re not really sure when or how a trip like that would work.

The baby’s car seat does have a lie-flat mode, but I’m concerned about the long journey, especially considering that babies are supposed to be in car seats for a limited time (half-hour stretches for the first 4-6 weeks). Plus, I have no idea how I’ll be feeling post-birth, and I’ll be establishing breastfeeding and settling into new parenthood. Selfishly, I think it would be much easier for me to stay at home where I’m comfortable and have everything set up, rather than trying to manage a long drive and staying at her house.

Also, MIL tends to be around constantly when we visit - it is her home after all - and I’m anticipating that I’ll want some space with the baby especially in those first few weeks. I’d prefer to limit visitors to a few hours at a time, but I’m not sure how that would go down at her house when we're the visitors.

AIBU to think that we should stay home until we’re happy with the journey and not commit to anything until we know for sure? I also think if MIL wants to meet the baby, she can come to us. I’m just not ready for long journeys and staying away from home so soon after giving birth. I realise I probably should have said something when she brought it up, but I was so taken aback that I didn’t know how to respond. Now it feels awkward to go back and say it won’t work. I’m hoping she doesn’t bring it up again but want to know if that's reasonable.

"Sorry MIL, I won't be travelling that far with LO until they are at a minimum 6 months old but if you wish to see baby before that, we can agree a mutually convenient time for you to come and visit. I just ask for the first few weeks so we can initially recover and baby can settle into their new home but after that you're more than welcome"

No don’t take the baby to her, make it clear an invitation is open and leave it there. My MIL didn’t see my son until he was a month because she wouldn’t make the 1hr journey and we eventually did go to her, it was very odd. He’s 3 now and she still never visits so basically doesn’t see him.

YANBU at all!
Stay home in comfort with everything you and your baby need and have people visit you in your own time.. and that includes MiL
No one can predict what delivery they will have or how post birth will affect them so I would just tell her you won't be travelling with baby
She could come by public transport

Your mil is a freak for saying all that shit.

You aren’t being unreasonable, we took our baby on a 200 mile trip to see partners family when he was 3 months old and it was horrendous it took seven hours and not good for any of us. It’s your baby if she wants to see him she has to make the trip. Also I posted a similar thing about my MIL and absolutely got it in the neck about how unreasonable I am to expect her to visit and we should make the 400 mile return journey with a baby instead 🙄

Of course YANBU. A long journey early on would be stressful, uncomfortable and miserable for you, your DH and your baby and that's without factoring in safety issues regarding how long an infant should be in a car seat.

One thing to bear in mind though: when you've had enough, it's much easier to pack up and take your leave than it is to shoehorn an over-stayer out of your house. If your MiL comes to you, don't offer open-ended, drop in anytime invitations. She's coming a long way, so that means she'll want more than an afternoon, which is fair enough. But if you can't have her to stay over, be absolutely explicit about that so she knows she'll have to book a hotel for a couple of nights. If you can accommodate her, be equally unambiguous about how long for - and stick to it.

YANBU.

I would discuss with your DH exactly how you would like visits to work, once the baby arrives. For example, you could say no visitors for longer than an hour for the first 2 weeks, or we won't be travelling for longer than 20 minutes for the first 8 weeks, or no guests staying at your house for the first 6 months etc.. Once you have decided on your boundaries, it's up to your DH to explain to his Mother that these are the rules the two of you have decided, and she will need to respect them.

I'd also add that the rules are subject to change - you never know what will feel like too much, or what might feel totally do-able, until the baby arrives.

What a ridiculous woman

Has she conveniently forgotten exactly what it is like to have a new baby?

YANBU

For goodness sake stop worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet OP. Once you've had the baby, if MIL wants to see him/her, and you don't feel like travelling at that point, just tell her. 'Sorry MIL, we're not up to travelling with baby yet, we'll happily introduce you by FaceTime, but if you want a cuddle I'm afraid you'll have to come to us at this stage'. It really isn't that difficult!

Apologies, meant to vote YANBU, fat fingers.

Erm do what suits you forever not just in the early months.

Your DH can organise a driver for her. A friend or a taxi.

The first time I did a journey like this, baby was 14 weeks and the journey took double the time (6-7 hours) as we had to stop for breastfeeding, nappy changes etc. I would not make any plans to drive that long soon after birth. MIL can come and see baby.

I'm relieved to see that the consensus is that I'm not being unreasonable, and it's not just me avoiding conflict by waiting to address this after the baby arrives. Someone asked about her age - she's in her 60s and has ME which makes things more challenging for her, and is why we've been doing most of the traveling so far. The train journey is about the same length as driving, but it does involve two connections, which I can see being a significant issue for her. Picking her up from the second train to make the journey easier would mean DH would need to drive to Birmingham New Street, which causes more hassle than saves. That said, the option to travel by train is still there, and DH is happy to pick her up from a local station if needed. If that’s not acceptable to her, then she’ll have to wait.

I’m also not comfortable having overnight guests right away while I'm settling in, so she’d need to stay in a hotel instead of with us unless she's willing to wait until we’re more settled. There are some B&Bs in town which are a bit pricy, and Premier Inns a bit further out, but the area isn’t well-served by public transport so DH would need to drive her to and from the hotel. DH is very supportive and has made it clear that we’ll do what’s best for me and the baby, and his mum will just have to figure it out.

How severe is her ME? That complicates matters, if she's essentially disabled.

Re train travel .mil can book assistance even if mobile. I use it for a family member when they have to travel alone due to their needs. They can help with connections ,getting to seat etc. It has always been helpful and successful.

@Trainham That's useful to know, I have a friend with ME who wants to visit me by train but isn't sure she can and I'm not sure she knows about that. Thanks.

@rocketdogjazzin As @Trainham states you can book assistance when travelling by train. I have several friends that use the service and it’s always been very good.

other than that DH needs to state that you won’t be in a position to host or travel for the first few weeks/months.

Video calls?

Perfect response!

How does that work for example if you have a 20 min each way drive to drop an older kid at school?

But yes the MIL can make the journey. I manage to drive 4 hours when my DD1 had hers

You don't have to go back and say anything OP. Just let your bloke tell her afterwards that it's not going to happen yet and she's welcome to come and visit if she wants to meet the baby or she can have a video call.

My understanding is that the timer resets when you remove the baby from the car seat, so if you take the baby out of the seat at the school then buckle them back in for the way back that's within the guidance. But if long journeys are unavoidable then there are true lie flat seats (Joie and Nuna have them) but they take up an extra seat in the car and even though the flat position is best for their airways, it's not as safe in a crash situation where a 45° angle is safest (even though that's worse for their airways). But it's only in the first 4-6 weeks when their heads are so heavy and necks are really weak it's a such tight limit, after that they can travel for longer. And it's not like it's suddenly dangerous at 31 minutes either, and everyone can risk assess for what works for them (but the 3.5 hour journey to MIL's is clearly way beyond that!).

You just say NO.

How does she imagine your post birth nether regions will cope with sitting on a car seat for that distance? Your DH also needs to be made quite clear on THAT subject and to be on your side.

Then there's breastfeeding and nappy changes.

Advice is that babies should not be in a car seat for more than two hours.

If she wants to see the baby, you decide when / if you feel you will be up to having a visitor.

She and your husband decide the logistics of how she is going to get to yours.

Your DH steps up and gets the house ready for his mother.

And you will not be rushing about cooking and making coffee etc. You will be preoccupied with your new baby.

Having had a newborn baby go blue after 10 minutes in a car seat YANBU.

The risk is small but it's there

Wow ! She's expecting a bit much! I'd say no now and put your foot down on this one! It's far too long to travel with a new born and also with recovering after birth ! Yanbu at all!! Xx