AIBU to think MIL should come to us after baby is born, not expect us to drive?

[rocketdogjazzin]

My MIL lives about 150 miles and 3.5 hours away from us, and we’ve made the trip to visit her four times this year. She made the return journey once, but now she’s becoming increasingly reluctant to make the drive herself.

We’re expecting our first baby in March, and when we visited last week, she casually mentioned that we’ll be visiting her soon with the newborn. I just said, "Well, we’ll have to see how everyone is," because it got me thinking that we’re not really sure when or how a trip like that would work.

The baby’s car seat does have a lie-flat mode, but I’m concerned about the long journey, especially considering that babies are supposed to be in car seats for a limited time (half-hour stretches for the first 4-6 weeks). Plus, I have no idea how I’ll be feeling post-birth, and I’ll be establishing breastfeeding and settling into new parenthood. Selfishly, I think it would be much easier for me to stay at home where I’m comfortable and have everything set up, rather than trying to manage a long drive and staying at her house.

Also, MIL tends to be around constantly when we visit - it is her home after all - and I’m anticipating that I’ll want some space with the baby especially in those first few weeks. I’d prefer to limit visitors to a few hours at a time, but I’m not sure how that would go down at her house when we're the visitors.

AIBU to think that we should stay home until we’re happy with the journey and not commit to anything until we know for sure? I also think if MIL wants to meet the baby, she can come to us. I’m just not ready for long journeys and staying away from home so soon after giving birth. I realise I probably should have said something when she brought it up, but I was so taken aback that I didn’t know how to respond. Now it feels awkward to go back and say it won’t work. I’m hoping she doesn’t bring it up again but want to know if that's reasonable.

I think the fairest way to look at this is, what would you do if this was your mum? Would you not let her stay overnight or not go and pick her up if she was struggling to travel? It's not exactly fair to impose rules on a PIL that you wouldn't impose if it was your own parent, so just really consider that before saying anything.

Saying that though, you won't want to travel that long for at least a couple of months, you'll be in a bit of a new born fog at least 3 months if not 6 and the time will fly by, no one is asking you to make a decision now so I feel you are completely overreacting, she mentioned it as an assumption.. based on the fact that you always travel to her, it wasn't a demand! A quick "no I don't think we'll feel comfortable travelling that far until at least a few months after the baby's born, happy to have you come and stay after a few weeks though, but we'll have to let you know if that's okay"

OP you are being extremely precious (and quite controlling tbh), it's little wonder people have such rubbish relationships with their in laws. You don't want to travel, which is fair enough, I wouldn't either, but I'm sure your DH wants his mum to meet the baby so maybe let him some input about collecting her or having her stay for a few days.. rather then you making the decision and him having to go along with what you say?

If your MIL is a reasonable person I am sure she will understand that it wouldn’t be right to subject a newborn baby to that length of journey. Possibly, she doesn’t know about current guidance for babies and travelling, therefore, it might be helpful for your DH to explain this. I don’t think that the hotel option is wrong either as everyone benefits from the space.

If you all really want to make her visit happen, and can afford to do so, check out a long distance taxi option.

Your MIL meeting her grandchild for the first time will be a very special moment for you all, especially for your DH and his mother, as it will also be for you and your parents. There was something so wonderful about meeting and holding my DC’s babies for the first time that I don’t have the words to express it. If she is very keen to come in those early weeks and willing to make the journey, please don’t put yourself off by anticipating lots of problems. Most of us just about manage on a day to day basis anyway and you can be sure that not everything will be perfect, at any point!
Good luck and try not to worry about it all too much xx

Op try to ignore the goady posters who are trying to make you feel awful.

My in laws live a 3 hour round trip and one has a disability... however..... when I have both my children they visited me and were incredibly respectful of my space and establishing routine. And even when I eventually visited them they made sure I had equipment up there, my own space and quite frankly anything I needed.

You shouldn't be expected to travel .. if you have a c section, mastitis , bleeding after birth... anything makes travel and moving bloody uncomfortable.

Stick by your guns, people visit you... when you feel up to it then you can visit.

I have siblings abroad... I didn't meet my niece till she was 18 months old! My mum didn't see her till 6 months....

My 2nd baby was born in covid and didn't meet anyone properly till 9 months old!

We all have wonderful relationships and no one is hurt or resentful.

I think the fairest way to look at this is, what would you do if this was your mum? Would you not let her stay overnight or not go and pick her up if she was struggling to travel? It's not exactly fair to impose rules on a PIL that you wouldn't impose if it was your own parent, so just really consider that before saying anything.

For start yes I'd be exactly the same with my own Mum if she lived that far away.
Secondly, the rules of applying same for PIL as same for own parents don't really apply as pp you're bleeding buckets and more than likely walking round with your tits out half the time. Bit more comfy around your own Mum than an mil you barely know!!!!

As a very new grandmother I expected to to do what my soon to be DIL and DS wanted me to do. We had a conversation before the birth, I asked if they were happy for us to visit soon after birth or to wait. Then we had another conversation after the birth. I've just returned from a beautiful visit to my first grandchild aged 7 days. Communication is key, why do people try to guess what other people are feeling thinking etc? Ask and then discuss. The baby and mother do come first obviously, however grandma's are very excited! My DS and partner live about 3 hours away so not easy. I also told my son I will stop messaging him every day if it irritates him but he said it was fine, so I will carry on. 😁

Hypotheticals are difficult because my parents are an hour away and able to travel so it’s not a decision I have to make. For the part about travelling there, that would be the same. The car seat issue is there. There’s all the unknowns about how the baby and me would be (another poster just brought up mastitis and a friend of mine was hospitalised twice for mastitis in the first few weeks - which is the sort of thing I mean when I say I can’t commit to anything until I know how I am). I feel more comfortable around my parents than my MIL which is normal but I still don’t fully relax when they’re visiting and feel the relief when I have the house back to myself, so I think it would be the same.

I’ll bring up to DH about collecting MIL and dropping her off and see what he thinks. It’s probably not something we’ll suggest to MIL until we’re sure he can commit though which won’t be until after the baby is born. If he’s sleep deprived too then two 8 hour round might not be the best option, if MIL taking the train with assistance is on the table. I’ve also done a few online quotes for long distance taxis and £500+ each way just isn’t affordable for us to cover.

I don’t know your backstory with your mil/dil but this is rubbish, and it is shitty of you to tell any woman about to have her first baby that she should suck up a long drive and take newborn baby to see her mil not the other way around, and especially an autistic new mum, its hard enough to cope with people for many of us NT women while learning how to cope with our new baby.

grandparents travel if they can, and don’t see baby until parents are ready to make the trip if they can’t. My mum needs a walking frame / wheelchair and flew 30 hours from Australia to meet my babies.

Selfishly, I think it would be much easier for me to stay at home where I’m comfortable and have everything set up

I just got to this bit of your OP and internally yelled "it's NOT selfish to look after yourself"!!! Self care is essential at this time!!

Do what is right for you and your newborn. Always.

Also... baby may come early... which brings other risks.

I am pretty sure if you mentioned this to your midwife she would have strong opinions about staying home.

Women used to be kept in for 2 weeks after birth.... and visited at home for weeks afterwards.

Op... please don't waste energy defending yourself.... don't commit to anything now.... but when baby has arrived then you can make plans as and when it suits you, the birth you have and the health of you and your baby!

I mentioned this up thread, OP, but is there not a national express coach option? They don't always show up on Google maps. You have to look on the website directly. A taxi would be madness as would your DH doing the journey to be honest. https://www.nationalexpress.com/en

You just say - we are happy to visit at a suitable time for us after the baby is here it is too far to take a young child and there is 3 of us. You are welcome to stay and catch the train.

My parents used to refuse to visit me and the children saying it was too far or they were too old or too busy, I’m working full time, there were 3 of us, they were 60 and as for it being too far - they were happy to drive from the U.K. to the south of France four times year but not 3 hours to see me.

I wouldn’t have been ready or willing to do a 3.5hr drive to stay in my MIL’s house with my first newborn (gets more difficult with subsequent children as you’ll have a toddler or more in addition) for weeks after birth. That’s just the way it was. The exhaustion, all the stuff, packing it all up, needing to be near a washing machine, waking in the night multiple times, colic, needing to eat an anti-social times.

In some cultures (eg China and in the Middle East) women don’t leave the house for 40 days after birth. They go to their mothers or their mothers go to them. They’re cooked for, looked after with specially nourishing meals etc.

It’s just an unfortunate set of circumstances that your disabled MIL lives so far away. That’s just the way it is. My parents lived thousands of miles away and didn’t see my DC until they were months old. None of this idea that I and a baby and DH (realistically) should travel to see them. Circumstances just didn’t allow for it. That’s life.

Sadly not, assuming I’m using their website correctly it looks like two changes again. It looks like the coach from her town is only fairly local, and from the stops closest to us we can get to various airports and London. It’s a cross country journey and a bit awkward, because it’s not on any major intercity route, so needs to go to a common destination like an airport then change. When I’m on my laptop later I’ll see if there’s a way for searching by area instead of selecting a specific stop, if that brings it down to one change and a reasonable time

Personally I wouldn't be travelling that far with a baby, or staying in a place where you don't have everything you have at home, you don't need a reason not to do that.. but no-one has demanded you do that.. MIL has obviously assumed, based on the fact you always go to her, but I'm sure if you talk to her she would understand, you should really have opened up to her at the time. It is not unreasonable for you to want to find your feet before travelling or hosting visitors, but it's a bit odd to be putting barriers in the way before you even get to that point.. so there's no point creating imaginary negative scenarios over it, as much as you may have problems, you may also be fine, so I'm guessing you may be a glass half empty sort of person generally? As this stress and worry about what could go wrong is a little extreme if not.

I think you not wanting her to stay for a few days is the issue here, if you would let your parents stay at some point, then it is only fair to let your DH have his mum stay, you're a couple in this, so while your health is obviously a priority and no one would suggest differently, your 'preferences' over who you are more comfortable with staying at the house is just that, a preference, so it is something you need to get over to be honest, his preferences are just as valid as yours, and he can work out logistics if he wants it to happen. The most important thing is you need to be a team, working together and making decisions together. If you start of laying down the law you will live to regret it as he may just check out of all decision making all together as he may feel he isn't listened to.

Try not to worry too much, just see how you feel at the time, no one is expecting decisions from you now so try not to give this sort of thing so much headspace.

I think it's ok for her to not want to do a long drive, but if she doesn't want to use public transport either then I'm not sure what the solution is. She may just have to wait until you feel more able to travel to her.

I really want to shout this from the rooftops. In the immediate weeks post partum the new Mum's needs have to be prioritised so that she is fit and well to look after her baby!
Not exhausting herself running around after everyone else. In the early weeks you do have quite a lot of adrenaline so it's really easy to go too hard but then you can crash from exhaustion a few months in.
What's best for the baby? A visit from Granny that they won't remember or a happy healthy Mummy?
As for "bonding" my first baby didn't meet one of his Grandads until he was 6 months old (not through me stopping them just panned out that way) and they have an amazing bond now!!

Totally what you feel comfortable with.

For me, who had an accidental pregnancy (so had never envisioned what early parenthood looked like to me) I was keen to get back to normal life asap.

I had an emergency section but recovered well. My mother in law who lived in Northern Europe came over after I got home from hospital for a few days (10 days after first going in for induction). I found it helpful to have her around and she understood I'd disappear to a darkened cool room to feed my baby/sleep. It was a 28 degree summer spell. When the baby was 3 weeks old, we drove and sailed to my husband's family for about 5 days. Again I could just sit and feed the baby, food was brought to me, I'd sleep when I wanted. Visitors came for a cuddle, with gifts, with advice. All very welcomed.

Everyone is different but it helped me adapt to motherhood immensely to get back into things albeit at a slower pace than before, as soon as possible. To see people.

Weirdly, one thing that helped the most was when about 5 weeks post birth the new football season started. Hearing the sky sports or champions league anthem on tv, that you knew you'd hear with clockwork regularity helped to bring "routine" when there was very little with an ebf baby!

@Onlyonekenobe
In some cultures (eg China and in the Middle East) women don’t leave the house for 40 days after birth. They go to their mothers or their mothers go to them. They’re cooked for, looked after with specially nourishing meals etc.

Took the words right out of my mouth!

It's no wonder PND is so high in the UK and the US.

I’m nearly the same age as your MIL and I have a disability. I would happily manage - and have done - solitary travel with Passenger Assistance and staying in a nearby hotel when visiting family with a new baby.

In the first couple of weeks you won’t know day from night as babies aren’t exactly respectful of clocks. Someone with ME needs a decent night’s sleep, not up all hours while the OP’s milk comes in and the nights are very disturbed. A room in a hotel is a very sensible choice.

My parents stayed with us one night and checked into a hotel the next night when I had a new baby because it was knackering being woken up several times a night. We hadn’t realised how much it would affect everyone.

OP, you’re autistic so probably like to have plans ahead of time so you know what you’re facing. A hotel isn’t just ok, it’s actually a benefit.

First post nailed it. Its all about you and baby. She could get the train or dh go get her. But not too soon. Suggest she gets a local hotel too as you and baby need space... without worrying about her needs....

Tell her to get the train if she doesn't want to drive but absolutely don't make any plans or commit to anything! Having a baby is incredible but it turns your world upside down and those first few months are for you and your husband to find your feet together and get use to your new dynamic. Huge congratulations though and honestly you have more important things to focus on so try not to dwell on that. Husband needs to step in and lead on that conversation with his mum in line with how you are both feeling.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

You are not being unreasonable. With my first child, I don’t think I really left the house much for about 3 months. I then got into some sort of pattern of baby classes and small trips with my NCT friends, but it was all very local. Within 30 mins from home.

that said, there could be many reasons for your MIL’s request. Maybe she’s a nervous driver, or anxious about being away from home or going too far? Perhaps other health issues like medicine, the need to be near a toilet, or fatigue or aches? Maybe she’s so used to her own comfort and routine? Some grandparents are very keen on having their grandchild visit their home, so they can indulge the child in their own way?

All of the above said, she should, at her stage of life, understand that being a new mum/ mum of a new baby, is all-consuming. She may have forgotten the chaos. I find that some MIL’s or older aunts say things like, ‘we just got on with in our day’. I remember my MIL saying that she stopped breast feeding because of all of the guests and family around her and that she took a flight to the US when her child was 6 months old. She did want to go on for longer. That didn’t stop me; I kept going for as long as I could.

I really would stop overthinking this now and enjoy these last few months of pregnancy as you will never enjoy as much free time as you have right now again!

you can’t control other people’s reactions so when baby comes just say we aren’t making the journey and don’t say when you will.

you do need to be equal though as I’ve seen it where people just want their own mum and not MIL. Husband needs support too from their family.

You don’t know what will happen at birth as everyone is unique so focus on your pelvic floor exercises and enjoying not wetting yourself when you sneeze! Worry about visitors once baby is here but make it clear to visitors that they are welcome to make themselves a drink and run the hoover over

I think you are absolutely right to stay home and not put yourself or your baby in this position. I felt exactly the same about times in the car seat and refused to do it as well, although my MIL (approx 120 miles away) didn’t even consider asking us to visit. She also understood this was a time we wouldn’t want her to stay over and only visited for the day and went home again. It was much appreciated. The other grandparents (FIL and step MIL) who live nearly 500 miles away didn’t see our children until the oldest was nearly 7 as they chose not to visit and neither did we. In the end we did drive.

Don't you say anything about it, that's your husband's job. He can tell her.

How old is MIL?