AIBU to think MIL should come to us after baby is born, not expect us to drive?

[rocketdogjazzin]

My MIL lives about 150 miles and 3.5 hours away from us, and we’ve made the trip to visit her four times this year. She made the return journey once, but now she’s becoming increasingly reluctant to make the drive herself.

We’re expecting our first baby in March, and when we visited last week, she casually mentioned that we’ll be visiting her soon with the newborn. I just said, "Well, we’ll have to see how everyone is," because it got me thinking that we’re not really sure when or how a trip like that would work.

The baby’s car seat does have a lie-flat mode, but I’m concerned about the long journey, especially considering that babies are supposed to be in car seats for a limited time (half-hour stretches for the first 4-6 weeks). Plus, I have no idea how I’ll be feeling post-birth, and I’ll be establishing breastfeeding and settling into new parenthood. Selfishly, I think it would be much easier for me to stay at home where I’m comfortable and have everything set up, rather than trying to manage a long drive and staying at her house.

Also, MIL tends to be around constantly when we visit - it is her home after all - and I’m anticipating that I’ll want some space with the baby especially in those first few weeks. I’d prefer to limit visitors to a few hours at a time, but I’m not sure how that would go down at her house when we're the visitors.

AIBU to think that we should stay home until we’re happy with the journey and not commit to anything until we know for sure? I also think if MIL wants to meet the baby, she can come to us. I’m just not ready for long journeys and staying away from home so soon after giving birth. I realise I probably should have said something when she brought it up, but I was so taken aback that I didn’t know how to respond. Now it feels awkward to go back and say it won’t work. I’m hoping she doesn’t bring it up again but want to know if that's reasonable.

Oh I wouldn't have been taking the baby out of the seat. Just pulling up dropping DD at gate and turning round. Thankfully was never considered a. Issue then

Her condition improves and worsen in waves. That said, I sometimes notice that she tends to rely quite heavily on DH and expects him to handle a lot for her. For instance during our last visit, she asked him to scan some QR code vouchers for her. When DH tried to teach her how to do it herself, she replied, "I don't need to learn; I have a son for that." Moments like these make me wonder if she might be capable of doing more on her own if the circumstances required it. She goes on biannual coach trips with her hobby groups too, and while these wipe her out afterwards she enjoys them and considers that worth it. I suppose the difference is that is these are door to door for her, with a friend taking her to the coach and then one trip, rather than a long drive or three trains. I do recognize that her disability makes things more challenging, especially during the winter months, which seem harder on her than summer. Hopefully, with a March baby, it might be easier for her to visit us.

Bear in mind that while she WANTS you to come and bring the baby, you and the baby NEED to be safe. Needs are more important than wants, no matter how much emotional pressure is applied.

That's good to know about train assistance. We've used the service for my grandmother before, but only with a direct train so knowing there's help for train journeys with connections is really useful.

I'm another viewing "next time you come here you'll have a baby" as having two meanings (1) matter of fact - whether it's a six weeks, months or years or (2) expectation that the OP will travel with a young baby - if under six weeks stopping every 30 minutes during the journey - or perhaps at 4 months when the baby is more able to travel, but we don't know. If it's (1) then people are being unfair and (2) given the MIL has ME, we don't know enough. But either way, it's worth OP and her partner working out what they think they are prepared to do including mentioning airbnbs for any stay, mentioning assisted travel and offering to organise, and just reassuring his mother she can see the baby remotely, she will be included and that a visit one way or other will be organised when the parents know what they're dealing with and what they feel capable of.

Tell her to come on the train and you'll pick her up from the station

YANBU
It's a 3 hour drive to visit my dad, and we usually go at least every other month - but we didn't travel down until my LO was 8 weeks old and I was more confident and comfortable.

They're still very newborn for people to meet, but can go longer in the car seat and you'll be much more recovered. If we had a second I'd definitely do the same, wouldn't want to travel sooner

Just say no to travelling that far in the first weeks/months; you don't even need to give the subject any thought.
You could invite her to stay a couple of nights in a local hotel or with local friends/family if there are any, and visit for short periods during the day - unless she wants to come for longer and help out with housework etc.

YANBU in not wanting to have to endure a 150 mile journey with a newborn and another child, and then to have your newborn in a strange environment.

However, with your MIL being disabled, it may be a nice thing for your husband to to to go and pick his mum up and bring her to yours. I'm sure that as she ages further, any siblings he has will get landed with the lion's share of caring duties, so he should do any little thing he can - including this.

Definitely give yourself time to be a new family and get used to everything. I regret not doing this. Then decide how much travelling you want to do.
Can mil get a train if she doesn't want to drive?

Definitely NOT selfish of you. Selfish of her to assume you should travel with your new baby🙄
We did a long journey when baby was young (but a few months, not weeks), with lots of stops, and I said never again. It was awful when he was crying and I couldn't cuddle and console him. I didn't have anyone living far but no one in my family would have expected me to travel either. All came to our home.

I’ve been told by my MIL that if we want DH’s grandparents to see my new baby then we need to drive four hours to see them. Absofuckinglutely no way, they can miss out.

Absolutely not. You do what you need to do. Let your husband deal with her and push back. I won't be making that mistake second time round when we have another. People know where we live they can come to us in the early days

Oh and to add to this, if she visits fine. Depends on your house/set up/ how helpful she is. I equally wouldn't have tolerated guests and hosting either so make sure she books a nearby hotel/Airbnb etc, because that's potential a whole other world of stress when you're finding your feet x

You risk the baby if you expose her to too many people before she has her first vaccinations.
You will welcome being around home for the first few months.

You have not been unreasonable at all. You have thought things through.
When I had my children there was an expectation of driving babies around the country to see relatives. I did not think I could say no. It was lovely but also very tiring and I would have preferred to stay at home. I think it came about because many mums thought that the thought of having people to stay was too much. My in laws arrived for a fortnight, I was even more exhausted!
Now, thank goodness, things are more focused around the new family. You must (imho) say what you thinks works best for you. You don’t have to be rigid, you can change your mind, as you have mentioned you don’t know yet how you will feel.
As a new grandmother I feel a little like walking on egg shells as I read so many negative mil posts. I text in advance to see if I can pop in and ask which day is best and always outline other plans that I will do so they don’t feel I have come 200 miles just for an hour. I also have let them know that if they would like me to come for longer I can do that and at short notice. I feel/hope the balance is working. My dil is absolutely amazing and regularly texts me videos and photos. When I go to the house sometimes she is busy with the baby, I go to the local shops, cook a big meal with plenty over for the freezer and then we eat and laugh together. Sometimes the baby is more settled and we enjoy a quiet chat.
Sorry this is getting long and I know someone will jump in and say this is about you not me. What I am trying to convey (probably badly) is that you may be worrying to much, it is OK to chat to your mil and let her know how you feel and things can work out!
Enjoy your pregnancy and your baby.

That’s what photos and video calls were invented for. No great grandparent is going to be that fussed by a newborn to travel that distance unless it’s part of something else like a christening or family occasion.

@rocketdogjazzin I recommend giving your DH a crib sheet of whatever you decide together. Easy to forget key points when on the phone to someone.

Rocket and baby won’t be able to travel to you until the baby is 4 months and that depends on weight etc as they have to be in a car seat for such a long time. We’ll find a long weekend in the summer perhaps to come to you.
In the meantime, if you’d like to see the baby sooner, you could come to us for a weekend. Use assisted travel services on the train for the connections or I could pick you up in Birmingham?

The B&B/hotel situation is awkward but does she have ground floor disabled access/additional safety bars etc at home? I’d suggest it would be simpler to cover the cost and just book it yourselves if funds permit. Then it’s fait accompli. But for a weekend (as DH will be back at work) to me it seems rude not to host her with him doing the heavy lifting unless totally impractical.

In my experience if you do the visiting you have more control over arrangements which is my preference. First 8-12weeks though, hell no.

Best of luck with the baby. 😀

Erm very different perspective wouldn't bother me, we don't even live near a hospital within 30 minutes or an hour but happily traveled with all our babies without removing them every 30mins. Our last twins 2 days after we went 2 hours to go see my mil. Pop them out and get on 🤣 My teens survived well and so do my wee ones 😆

Echoing all the other comments here OP but I would be very clear to your other half that everything’s off the table for that first year. Travelling with a baby might be a breeze or you really might need to keep them in a routine - you just won’t know until they’re here. So plant that seed right now that 4 x 7 hour drives per year could be a thing of the past now you’ll have a family!

Nip it in the bud now OP. Make it clear you won’t be making the journey after having the baby so that she doesn’t cause you grief when the baby is born, because that’s the last thing you’ll want or need.

Only travel with the baby when you’re comfortable with it. Staying at someone else's house with a small baby is a pain, quite apart from the journey.

Don't even give it a second thought. Let your husband explain it to her. No way is it right to travel that far with a newborn for a visit.

Things from her side....
She's excited about being a granny.The practicalities haven't entered her head.
Your husband is her son. She is expecting to be part of this new time just as much as your mother is.
You have usually travelled to her so she possibly thinks you prefer that option or hasn't actually thought about it at all .
I had my babies in the mid 90s. If she had your husband at a similar time , and has no other grandchildren, she won't have a clue about the car seat thing. It wasn't a thing at the time. We drove all over the place without stopping once.
Things from your side.....
If you want to change the travel options mention it calmly and kindly but make it absolutely non negotiable that you will not be travelling that far for months.
Invite her to stay for a couple of days but in a Premier Inn so she can pop in and out. She may want the space and peace just as much as you do.

Things can be sorted and will set the tone for the future.

You've no idea how you'll feel with a newborn. It's probably too far to travel in the first 6 weeks but after that a 3.5hr journey isn't too long (particularly in a lie flat car seat).
For context - we took our son on a long journey 3hrs plus when he was about 10/12 weeks to see my husbands parents/grandparents/siblings/aunty & uncle. Simply because they were all in one area.
His parents did visit us when our son was about 2 weeks old (they rarely travel). My parents live nearer so came on day one (with a shepherd's pie for tea!)
Your MIL will be excited to have a grandchild, please remember that. I imagine once the baby is here she'll be travelling up as soon as she can.
Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and don't think about visiting logistics until you really have to.

I wondered that too. I had my son in 1977 and people (including me) didn't baulk at travelling fairly long distances with babies back then.

Sure, my parents did the same. Laid us all down asleep in the back of the mini estate and remove 10 hours overnight. That's safe, right?