AIBU to think MIL should come to us after baby is born, not expect us to drive?

[rocketdogjazzin]

My MIL lives about 150 miles and 3.5 hours away from us, and we’ve made the trip to visit her four times this year. She made the return journey once, but now she’s becoming increasingly reluctant to make the drive herself.

We’re expecting our first baby in March, and when we visited last week, she casually mentioned that we’ll be visiting her soon with the newborn. I just said, "Well, we’ll have to see how everyone is," because it got me thinking that we’re not really sure when or how a trip like that would work.

The baby’s car seat does have a lie-flat mode, but I’m concerned about the long journey, especially considering that babies are supposed to be in car seats for a limited time (half-hour stretches for the first 4-6 weeks). Plus, I have no idea how I’ll be feeling post-birth, and I’ll be establishing breastfeeding and settling into new parenthood. Selfishly, I think it would be much easier for me to stay at home where I’m comfortable and have everything set up, rather than trying to manage a long drive and staying at her house.

Also, MIL tends to be around constantly when we visit - it is her home after all - and I’m anticipating that I’ll want some space with the baby especially in those first few weeks. I’d prefer to limit visitors to a few hours at a time, but I’m not sure how that would go down at her house when we're the visitors.

AIBU to think that we should stay home until we’re happy with the journey and not commit to anything until we know for sure? I also think if MIL wants to meet the baby, she can come to us. I’m just not ready for long journeys and staying away from home so soon after giving birth. I realise I probably should have said something when she brought it up, but I was so taken aback that I didn’t know how to respond. Now it feels awkward to go back and say it won’t work. I’m hoping she doesn’t bring it up again but want to know if that's reasonable.

You are unwilling to travel to enable your husbands mum to see the baby.
Your husbands mum has ME and struggles to drive that far. It's two connections on the train which is very difficult.

You don't want to go to her.

Anyone can see this is yet another thread about a daughter in law who doesn't want to facilitate a visit, makes excuses when options are put, and consequently the child will not be able to sustain a good long term relationship with their grandparent. I hope the child doesn't grow up resenting you.

An incredibly shameful, selfish perspective from you Op. I hope your husband sees this.

The issue is something called positional asphyxia. Babies heads are very heavy and their necks are weak so if they are more upright (like when they’re in a car seat) their airways can become restricted which can get serious quickly, and without any outward warning signs. It’s the biggest risk when they’re tiny. It’s one of those things where most babies will be fine for longer, but some won’t be and you can’t tell in advance which babies will and won’t be ok. Unless there’s a serious event it won’t cause lasting damage.

Far too long a journey. No chance. Shut it down. Get DH to have the conversation with MIL. If she isnt comfortable driving she can use taxis and trains like the multitude of people who don't drive.
But then she's probably going to want to stay over if you do that, is that an option?

Op doesn't want her mil to stay.

I am willing to travel when my baby is old enough to safely spend longer than 30 minutes at a time in the car seat, and I have recovered enough from the birth to make a 3.5 hour drive. That could be weeks or months but there’s no way to tell now. It’s not fair to say that I am unwilling to travel when we do the vast majority of the travel at the moment and will in the future. Just that in the newborn period, I don’t think it’s practical to make the journey. I’m also happy to facilitate visits as we do now when we’ve adjusted to new parenthood, I’ve established breastfeeding, and I’m more recovered physically and emotionally from the birth. Most posts on this thread by people who have had babies have said that a 3.5 hour drive with a newborn isn’t realistic. The fact that MIL isn’t able to travel doesn’t change that. My husband knows my thoughts on this and is happy to prioritise me and the baby.

But it isn't just that is it?

You stated you don't want her to stay. So won't compromise in any way.

This is the perfect way to alienate another family member. I guess by behaving like this you may not have to worry about any future relationship.

Nonsense post
Lacking the consideration that the OP will be giving birth, recovering from all that entails, adjusting to new parenthood, breast feeding, sleep deprivation

Just because the MIL can't travel easily doesn't mean the OP can

Have some sense!

Maybe she just meant it as in "next time I see you the baby will have arrived" I can't imagine she would expect you to drive that far just after giving birth. If she does, a firm no will do. Having had a child her self.im sure she will understand.

@rocketdogjazzin could she do a short haul flight instead? Would be quicker for her and could take a taxi to the airport. Price wise it might be the same as a train. I'm not a fan of short haul flights but given her health issues, would it be easier for her?
Otherwise, facetime to begin with until you are settled enough to travel etc.

I wouldn’t even do it at 8 weeks. I wouldn’t drive to my inlaws in the early months (also around 3.5hours away) so they travelled to us when she was about 2.5months old. They shouldn’t really be in car seats that lomg!

We didn’t drive to them until she was around 6 months old and it took ages (takes even longer now she is a toddler). Stopping to feed, stopping because the baby is wet - then add in the usual stops for driving breaks and toilets. It’s hard work and as someone said can easily become a 7 hour drive!

We split it now and do every second visit, though that has come with guilt trips (harder for them at their age etc). We actually allow most of the day for travel now and stop half way, get food and go to a playground.

If you have a csection it can be painful in the car for a while too - I found speed bumps excruciating for several weeks after I had my child.

YANBU to not want to make the journey to visit her.

YABU to not let her stay with you, that’s pretty mean.

A solution could be for your DH to drive up to collect her and bring her to stay. That’s what we used to do with our mothers.

Op doesn't want her mil to stay.

Neither my parents nor my ILs expected to stay with us when they visited us after dd was born. (A month or two after, not immediately).

Some people on this thread have very weird, prescriptive attitudes.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, I wouldn't be travelling that far in the first few months

I do think, assuming you have the space, it's not very fair to expect her to stay in a hotel if she does make it down to visit. I had both my mum and my MIL staying with us within the first week of both babies arriving and we made it work

I would recommend she looks into wheelchair assistance at the stations- I've struggled with ME in the past and it can be absolutely debilitating and traveling can be really hard especially with transfers but you can get greeted at the door to the stations, taken to your train and greeted / transfered at each transfer point which should help

I think you are right not to commit to anything as you have no clue how the birth will go and recovery afterwards. Just leave it at that for the time being.

I didnt travel anywhere further than 45 mins away after DC’s arrival for 8 weeks. It’s much easier when you have a bit of a routine in place and can plan driving time and stop times around naps and feeds. Even then you will end up breastfeeding / changing a nappy in a layby.

Awful post, hope the op takes no notice of this attempt at guilt-tripping into something that might be what you and your family need to maintain good relationships but most certainly isn't right for everyone.

That’s one way of looking at it. I’m looking at it as I’m prioritising my physical and mental health during one of the most overwhelming things I’ll ever experience. I’m not doing it to shut her out of my baby’s life. If I recover quickly from birth and the baby settles in and tolerates the car seat then we can make the drive at 4-6 weeks. But if I have post birth complications, am struggling emotionally, baby has feeding issues, or is really unsettled, or has other complications, or screams continuously in their car seat then we just won’t be able to visit. I also know that if I’m feeling very vulnerable and in pain, having an overnight houseguest (even family) will make that worse. But there’s no way to know now how me and the baby will be now, so I’m thinking through best and worst case scenarios. When the baby and I are ready for overnight guests at home, she’s more than welcome. She’s already been invited over to spend baby’s first Christmas together. I think this is one of those situations where I have to put myself and my baby first. We want her to meet the baby when we’re ready to travel or host (or sooner if she can stay in a hotel). We’ll suggest video calls. We’ll share baby photos with her. We’ll continue to do the majority of travel in the future. If that means that she cuts off any future relationship with us and the baby then that seems a huge overreaction to me.

You're having a baby, not open heart surgery.

Baby is due in March - you have no concept of how you'll feel afterwards - you cannot predict how baby will settle - and as new parents you are both on unexplored territory; so my advice would be to not even contemplate travelling any long distance until the summer. Local journeys are ok, GP etc., but a 3.5hr journey is totally unreasonable.

If MIL want to see her new GC then tell her she will have to make the journey herself but do give yourself time to get used to being parents and establish routine.

Good luck with your new baby.

I've had 2 babies and there's no way I'd want to put either myself or a newborn through a 3.5 hour car journey at 8 weeks pp. I don't care if other people did it and were fine, I know I'd have hated it. MIL can come to them.
Over the staying over I can see both sides but really is it that bad for her to stay in a comfortable hotel close by with DH picking her up and dropping her off?
Isn't that better than her getting a rubbish nights sleep at the OP's.
I was up and down with a crying baby all night!

You are very wise x

What a fucking insult to the multitude of women who have suffered birth trauma or injuries, PND or sleep deprivation so severe you can barely speak nevermind contemplate a 3.5 hrs car journey.
Obviously many births go perfectly smoothly and we all want this for the op but it is far wiser to rule out long journeys for now, rather than promise it and feel pressured into it when not upto it.

And it wouldn't take 3.5 hours it would take far far longer than that with all the stopping. Plus changing a newborn on a yucky service station changing table. No thanks. Not if i can avoid it.

Yanbu at all. You definitely shouldn't be planning to take your little one on a long journey in the early months. I did do what should be a 2.5hr drive when LO was 4 months and it was so traumatic I swore never again - we actually took 7hrs to do the journey due to all the stops we needed for feeding, changing and other issues (I remember there would be a poonami JUST as we got back onto the motorway after the last stop. It was awful) we didn't do the journey by car again until LO was 2yo (we were able to do it by train a couple of times)

If she wants to see her grandchild she'll need to travel. Her choice.

Such an ignorant post

Trying to minimise the enormity of what women go through, before, during and following birth

Luckily the OP will ignore your nonsense

I expect you've not had a baby, or had one any time these last 30 years!

I think that YANBU to not want to travel immediately. I also don't think you are being unreasonable not to want her necessarily coming to stay immediately.

I DO think however that you could make some suggestions now of possible solutions, with the firm agreement plans might need to change, depending on how eeryone feels.

So no, very unlikely you'd be travelling up to her in the first 6 weeks. After that, will see.

In light of how you feel, you don't want houseguests int he house for at least the first 2-3 weeks.

Personally, I'd be suggesting that you tentatively agree that she comes to stay at around 4 weeks for a weekend (no longer). If she wants to come before that, and is happy to stay in a hotel, that's fine too. But ensure DH makes it clear that these plans might need to change.