My partner not wanting my mum to see my new baby

[Joelm1066]

I have recently had a baby boy with my partner. We have been together for six years. In the course of our relationship she has not got on well with my mother. My mum can be a bit tactless, but she has a good heart. However, my partner wants very limited contact with her despite my mum reaching out and trying to improve relations between them. After 6 years I have come to accept that she doesn’t want regular contact with her. However, since the birth of our child 8 days ago, she is insisting that she wants to wait at least a month before my mum sees the child even though he has met all of her close family and close friend. She says that it is because she only wants contact with people she’s comfortable around, but I think I have a right to introduce my child to his grandmother sooner than a month. AIBU?
It’s causing me a great deal of sadness and stress at a time when I should be happy. I don’t really know what to do.

@RisingSunn So she feels pushed to hide in her own home and have her new baby taken off her to pacify the feelings of a woman who couldn't be kind and respectful to her? The baby NEEDS to be near their mother (and yes, before you ask, speech therapist with a masters in child psychology and mother to 2) because a baby's cortisol levels rise when separated from their mother, as do the new mothers.

There is no real evidence that the MIL treated the mother badly, the baby has been shown to all the mothers side of the family including some friends, but the MIL needs to wait a month? it sounds like vindictive and controlling behaviour from the mother and the intent seems to be to hurt the MIL

@BlueSky2024 OP described his mother as tactless and his mother has been reaching out to make amends (likely to get access to the baby) so she's clearly aware that her behaviour has been poor. OP needs to think about whether he would allow a person to treat his child the way his mother has treated his wife and go from there. Sounds like OP is skirting over his mother's behaviour. I would love to hear his wife's take on this.

If the birth mother is behaving in a vindictive way the father should to step in, a short well planned visit won’t hurt mother or baby
If the mother is getting overly stressed about it then there is the possibility that she has a very controlling nature, some very controlling people get very stressed when they don’t get what they want but that is something they need to overcome

You could have 3 PHDs in Child Development. And I will still say that taking time to have a cup of tea or a soak is not the end of the world for the new mother.

She is giving her husband the opportunity to share his newborn son with his mum for 20 minutes - if that.

I’m sure baby will be just fine…

@BlueSky2024 she's only 8 days from giving birth! Why can't his mother just wait? It's of NO benefit to baby or the new mother for her to visit (and they are the ONLY ones recovering from the birth experience)

Being tactless isn’t a good enough reason to control when the father of your child’s mother can eventually visit the home and meet baby.
OP describes his Mum as tactless but well meaning. It’s hardly crime of the century and his Mum has clearly tried to make amends- probably at OPs request for want of a better relationship between his mum and partner but his partner won’t accept this so what else is his Mum to do?
OPs partner can make herself scarce for a short while if she visits. Why some posters are absolutely behind this compromise, I have NO idea.
And I don’t think this is anything to do with OP needing to ‘cut apron strings’, I think he genuinely feels his partner is being unreasonable and actually realises she can be hard work and is being difficult with his mother but obviously has loyalty to his partner, hence the predicament in the first place.

So any new mothers who need 30 minutes on their own or ask their partners to take over so they can have a break are failing their babies and ripping them from their breast

@RisingSunn well I guess you must be the expert in this field and OP should listen to you then hey? Let him pacify his mother, he will be complaining about a complete relationship breakdown next for prioritising his mother over his wife and her lack of trust in him. When trust breaks down, his marriage will have an expiry date. There's zero reason his mother can't wait. Had she been less 'tactless' with OP's wife in the first place then she wouldn't find herself in this position

"Years" lol how old are your kids ..they ask how you are they don't say rule your family like a rod of iron .....one day you maybe the nasty mil pushed out.

Yes, it’s only 8 days after giving birth but all the birth mothers side of the family and some of her friends have already seen the baby by now, it won’t do the baby or mother any harm for the MIL to see the baby for a short visit
The mother and baby were fit enough to already see quite a lot of people very soon after the birth so why not the MIL

Even if you are being vindictive and nasty it's unhinged.

For a long time, I didn't like my FIL. He annoyed the shit out of me. But I did respect his place in my children's history so, after every birth, he was invited just like everyone else. I would be polite and then just go and watch something in my room while he cooed over the baby(ies). IF there is no history of abuse, etc it's ok to just say that you want your Mum over and your partner can hide herself away for an hour or two. Or join in. That's up to her!

I should add, by the time he died, all of children adored him. And I shed a very private tear for him myself as now I can reconginse that a lot of the animosity was entirely down to me.

Your poor Mum poor you and poor baby. She can’t have disliked your Mum that much to have ‘ lodged’ with her the second time. I’m sure your mum has her faults, we all do but its cruel not to let her see her grandchild.

So tactless that her DIL was willing to lodge with her when it suited.

‘Access’ the baby? Do you mean forming a bond/relationship with her grandson? So what IF that is the reason she’s been trying to make amends- maybe allow her to and ya never know, maybe everyone could get along after all. If it really is a relationship beyond repair, then OP can still allow his mother to have a relationship with her grandson away from partner.

And this is the type of shit that pushes mothers into feeling guilty for taking half an hour out. Separation as in a significant amount of time not I'm going to have a bath or sleep that would be very detrimental to a mothers mental health.

He is not prioritising his mother. He wants to show his mother THEIR newborn baby and she would like to meet her grandson.

In a marriage - it is give and take. Banning her husbands mother from visiting their home for a month & refusing to let her meet the baby - is not on. If her only crime is being “tactless”.

It is controlling - especially when she has the option of just grabbing a drink, going upstairs and relaxing for 20 minutes.

I can’t imagine having a baby and not being allowed to show my mother the baby for a MONTH - because my husband said so.

Exactly, a short break from the birth mother won’t do either the mother or baby any harm, a break could in fact do the birth mother some good provided that the baby was in safe and capable hands which it would be because it would be with the father
@Mamasperspective , the way you are commenting it seems that in your head your perspective and your perspective alone is the only way

this would cause serious problems if that were to happen in my family. i had a traumatic birth a few months ago. i didnt really want to see my in laws right away. i was in pain and tired and exclusively BF. but they are the grandparents. to deprive my husbands parents meeting the baby any later than a few days after the birth just because i didnt really feel like it would have been selfish.

it makes me sad that one day my son's wife might deprive me of meeting my grandchild just because she doesnt feel like seeing me.

I really hate how things are getting. How some women think that because they gave birth they have the right to exclude their partner's family from visiting.

If the birth was traumatic and no one had visited then fair enough, but it isn't the case here. It is no real hardship for MIL to visit. If mum can't handle seeing her (although previously living with her was fine) then she can go upstairs for half an hour. It shouldn't be a massive hardship to do this at least.

I can't imagine telling my husband his mum couldn't visit for a month. I love him, he is the father, why on earth would I deny him the pleasure of introducing our child to his family? Bar any abuse, it is cruel and make no mistake it is all about control.

It is unfair to make one parent wait for a month to visit whilst other people can. This baby has two parents, and unless she is actually abusive to the OP she should be able to manage MIL visiting for a short while. Yes, it might not be the most comfortable experience, but if you can't put yourself out for your partner who wants his mum to meet his child then you are simply shitty.

Meeting my grandson when he was born was the most amazing experience. I am so so glad I got to see him just after birth. Thank god my daughter in law never played any of these games. I hope those of you who thinks its ok to exclude the MIL because she is a bit tactless and annoying never have to experience the pain of not being able to meet your grandchild, when everyone else has been allowed to. You will change your tune when you become a grandparent and realise just what it feels like when your grandchild is born.

Her friends and family have visited, but not MIL. I would be taking a good look at the relationship to be honest. Who wants to be with someone so cruel?

You do not use babies to get one over on your MIL because you dont like her. Go out of the room, find a way to make it manageable if you can't stand to be in the room with her, but let her visit ffs. For your partner at least, who I assume you love.

Exactly, the birth mother sounds vindictive and cruel, the father on the other hand seems to be more rational, I would also question being with a woman like this, she sounds very controlling, the father has every right to show his baby to his mother and not keep her waiting when so many of the mothers family and friends have seen the baby

So when will her mum be allowed to see the baby if she's around?

Well given she's had a boy, I hope that she isn't modelling how it should be done when she's the MIL.

Honestly we all have to do things for the people we love that might not e our preference. She just has to suck it up and be nice for an hour.

I don't understand why the month mark will magically change things. So she's good enough to see him then but not a day before? That's just being awkward.