My partner not wanting my mum to see my new baby

[Joelm1066]

I have recently had a baby boy with my partner. We have been together for six years. In the course of our relationship she has not got on well with my mother. My mum can be a bit tactless, but she has a good heart. However, my partner wants very limited contact with her despite my mum reaching out and trying to improve relations between them. After 6 years I have come to accept that she doesn’t want regular contact with her. However, since the birth of our child 8 days ago, she is insisting that she wants to wait at least a month before my mum sees the child even though he has met all of her close family and close friend. She says that it is because she only wants contact with people she’s comfortable around, but I think I have a right to introduce my child to his grandmother sooner than a month. AIBU?
It’s causing me a great deal of sadness and stress at a time when I should be happy. I don’t really know what to do.

You sound like a kind and rational woman so hopefully that won’t happen, hope you are enjoying your new baby and all is going well

Yes, years. Good maternal mental health is obviously very important to ensure the health and welfare of children. I didn’t say they ruled with a rod of iron…
I won’t be the ‘nasty mil’, so don’t worry about me…

Her family and friends already have been around.

Surely having experienced being the new mother who desperately wanted to have her own space for a few days/ weeks, you would understand and want to give your daughter in law what wasn’t granted to you?

Hv typically see a child a handful of times unless there are issues, a couple of weigh ins a developmental check at 30 months then that's it especially now they go to childcare. Even children where there are issues like bereavement it's not uncommon to wait 6 months or longer to see the child. Years is a long stretch.

Your assuming your future Dil/bil will think your fab not interfering, disinterested, opinionated, too old fashioned, possessive, old fashioned, or just not their parent so I don't like her.....which seems common on MN

Well, your future DIL (if you have one) might one day decide you're annoying, or she doesn't like you and do the same to you.

OP clearly liked her MIL at one point as they were friends, and I doubt she has changed that much. Some women just feel threatened by their MILs due to insecurity of whatever. Being a decent MIL doesn't guarantee that it won't happen to you, sadly.

Well, the mum in question doesn't want space. After all, her family and friends have visited.

I am pretty sure the poster you questioned would be hurt if she was the only one not allowed to visit her grandchild for a month.

Where does it actually state the the partner is the birth Mum?

It seems to me that people are making a whole load of assumptions here with not very much information.

It sounds to me like your partner is a controlling cow, and I'd be wondering whether I really wanted to raise a child with her. Of course you're NOT being unreasonable in wanting to introduce your child to your Mum OP. Your partner doesn't need to be there if she doesn't want to, but I sure as hell wouldn't be letting her dictate who my child meets and who he doesn't.

And as her prerogative as a new mum, if she says “can you give me a month”, fine, I’m glad she has boundaries. I won’t be throwing a tantrum.

Well, the poster I was talking to did.

Presumably the OP’s partner likes her own friends and family, hence inviting them? She says she wants to see people she’s comfortable with, which doesn’t include MIL that she doesn’t like.

Rubbish! I do not believe for one minute you would be perfectly happy to be the only one not allowed to visit their grandchild.

No one is throwing a tantrum or suggesting that would be ok to do, but you're talking bullshit If you say that you would care if you were the only one excluded from visiting.

There is definitely some information here that missing or your partner is a controlling red flag.
Op not saying you are lying but is your DM or DP lying about why their relationship broke down?
Being a bit tackless doesn’t sound like a valid reason to keep your DM away. Especially since your DP could feed and then go down for a little nap.
I would normally say a freshly postpartum mother has all the say, but the fact she feels up to seeing everyone else does seem a little unfair.
Does your DP have other requests in your life that makes your feel isolated or bad about yourself? Or is this a one off request?

'Wouldn't care'.

Presumably the OP likes his own mother? Therefore, he has every right to let her in his home and meet his newborn as his partner has done with her own family and friends.
Up to 1 hour of uncomfortableness for the sake of family relations is hardly the end of the world.

i didnt ask my DH if we could delay seeing his parents. because although i wasnt really up for it, they are his loving parents and my DH was so proud to be a dad. there was no way i was taking that away from him.

if one day my DIL tells my DS that she doesnt want me to see my grandchild for one month i'll accept it, but i would be so dissapointed that i wasnt able to have memories of my grandchild at the newborn stage.

Setting boundaries is one thing, but the reasons why the boundaries have been set seem to be questionable, that’s the problem.

I bet you will be very hurt to hear every one else was visiting week one and you had to wait another 3 weeks.

It's only on here that people can get away with the I love my children will lay down my life for them then once they hit 18 give up any need to want to be part of their lives.

Yep I think the majority of MILs would be hurt if they found themselves in the same situation but this poster is gonna double down on her view in the name of ‘boundaries’. ‘removing toxicity’ and ‘mothers rights’.

Oh for goodness sake, what nonsense. When my DC was 8 days old or so, I was going upstairs and having a soak in the bath for 40-50 mins. Baby was fine with DH downstairs. Some people seem to forget just how much newborn babies sleep.

In the short time I've been posting I've noticed where babies are involved fathers & MILs tend to take a back seat in the eyes of mumsnetters so I'd take a lot of the opinions with a pinch of salt. There are certain instances I do agree with although in many including this one I wholeheartedly disagree. It's no wonder you are upset OP. Your partner sounds extremely controlling & lacking in consideration for your feelings at a time you should be as happy as she is with your newborn. Your mother has just as much right to meet your baby as your partners mother. Providing she is not the wicked witch from the west (she doesn't sound like it) she also has the same desire & right to be involved in your childs life.

it could be that MIL is vocally anti vax, and those visitors that have been allowed are vaccinated.
it could be that she finds meeting with MIL incredibly stressful and doesn't have the spoons to do that yet.

I think there needs to be a deeper talk about why.

no, but Mum might feel less fragile and more able to deal with her.

The wife thinks she has all the power now she's had a baby, delaying her MIL from seeing her grandson for a month is so cruel especially when her own family and friend have already seen him.
She's only got herself to blame if the child and MIL relationship is not a good one, but im sure she'll then complain about that. Such a nasty cow.

There is no reason why the birth mother needs to be present when the MIL meets the baby if she is not feeling up to it, the father would be present anyway

There is if the birth mother (who I assume is OP's partner now as s/he hasn't bothered to let us know despite us all asking) has postnatal mental health issues.