DS spends all his time with GF and she doesn’t speak to us

[DinnerOfKings]

Hoping for some advice …… DS-17 has adhd and struggled a great deal at school. Always had mates and always out and about. But he really struggled with school and was suspended many times. We supported him throughout and actually developed a very strong relationship ( me and DH who is his dad). We have always been a close family and very present in their lives ( sports day, lifts, sleepovers, watching films together, lovely holidays).

DS now at college ( think BTEC physical work - don’t want to be too outing) and made new mates and much happier in the college environment. During half term he went to a party and met a girl. He’s had a few GF before, but nothing serious. He instantly felt a connection with this girl and started spending all his time with her.

Now I know this is all normal etc but the issue is that she is apparently very shy. She literally won’t say 2 words to any of us…. I’ve tried talking to her, leaving her be, offering her food etc, talking to my son and not asking ger anything. But she just stands there looking angry …. she literally just says “good” or “no” or “yes”. No hello how you - no - thank you for having me.

DH and I have always got on with all our kids friends and have always had an open house policy. Quite often they have had big gatherings, multiple friends round and we’ve always talked and got on with every single one of them. DS now spends every night with this girl. He only sees his mates really with her and she barely talks to them. When she’s in son’s room, just the two of them she’s laughing and joking and then……. Nothing.

Im trying so hard not to react as I know she’s 16.5 and evidently shy. But - and I can’t really describe it - it creates a weird atmosphere in the house. It’s like a total stranger who barely acknowledges my existence is sleeping under my roof. I’ve talked to my son and explained that he could convey to her how important his family is, and try to encourage her to make more effort…. She is an apprentice so presumably has to talk in the workplace.

I’ve explained to DS that it’s quite limiting as she can’t / won’t join us for meals, going to the pub etc and the consequence is we hardly see him as he wants to be with her.

I think it’s hard for me as I feel like we were so close and now he’s with someone who just isn’t interested. For reference she doesn’t look meek when she’s in our company she just looks very cross at him …… one side of me thinks - it will all come out in the wash, she is very shy, and this is his way of detaching as all teens are meant to and either she will get better or they will split up. Other side of me thinks she might be trying to isolate him from friends and family.

Pls be kind but advice or experience gratefully received ….. I know there isn’t physically anything I can actually do but it’s really unpleasant either never seeing him or him always being with her and this weird atmosphere

I think you need to talk to him op.

If she’s not speaking to his friends there’s no reason for her to be there. He needs to see his friends without her.

Scenario 1 - person in car crash lying on floor in agony, can't move themselves.
We don't know they have a broken back, they havent yet had a scan,but there's a good chance they have so we don't move them as we could do a hell of alot of damage.

Scenario 2 - person talks freely in some situations, doesn't say one word in others. We don't know it's selective mutism but there is a good chance- so do we call it out, ban her from the house, get the boyfriend to tell her it's unacceptable thereby causing a hell of alot of damage?

See the difference?
Until things are clearer, take the least damaging approach.

My son had a GF who was not shy. She didn't say hello or goodbye, rude. I made it clear to son she observes these very basics of politeness and he should always do that at others houses, or she doesn't come. She started conforming. Also any food or drink had to be eaten downstairs, not necessarily with the rest of the family and I think this got her used to us a bit.

Selective mutism is relatively common but very under diagnosed. Current diagnosis rates are about 1 in 140 children but it is thought to be more common than that. As stated above, it is often linked with autism, but not always.

In the name "selective mutism", "selective" is a medical term that means 'with specific effects; not pervasive ". It does NOT mean anything about "selecting" when you speak. We know the inhibition of speech in SM is NOT voluntary. It's a bit like stage fright or being "struck dumb" - an involuntary inability to speak or otherwise communicate. It's an anxiety response rather like a "rabbit in the headlights" freeze - and it usually only happens when triggered by being expected to interact with an unsafe person, just like a person with a spider phobia is fine until the instant they see a spider.

Some people with SM cannot speak at all outside their "safe people" or "safe space"; others can reply with a few words, particularly where the response requires just a yes/no answer and/or the person is certain of their answer. SM is different from shyness but is often misinterpreted as severe shyness.

Everyone with SM's pattern of communication inhibition is different. For my child it was the person not the space - he could respond to me almost anywhere but could not speak to, say, his doctor in any setting. For others, they cannot speak in a certain setting (eg school). Others cannot speak to adults but can speak to some peers. It all depends on what triggers the anxiety shut-down response.

Many with SM are undiagnosed.

If anyone thinks their family may be affected by SM then I would urge you to explore the SMiRA website (UK national charity) at selectivemutism.org.uk . There are lots of free downloadable information sheets and links.

SM isn't impossible to diagnose face to face, it's rather easy to diagnose.

The issue is that it's under diagnosed because people don't know about it, not because it is really hard to diagnose.

Nope.

Because person one having an accident means that them breaking their back is entirely possible or at least having had an injury,

Whereas someone being blatantly ignorant doesn’t necessarily have a condition, or should we just assume now that rudeness doesn’t exist?

The next time someone comes on here saying they’re being ignored by their MIL, spoken down to by their partner, abused in any way we should tell them to be more understanding should we? Because the person must have an invisible condition which apparently is difficult to diagnose but we must just accept it.

I don't speak much to DD2's boyfriend and just leave them to it. I don't make them sit round the table for family meals. Don't really see the problem tbh.

It's typical Mumsnet, rushing to diagnose everything. She sounds like a very rude girl to me and she wouldn't be welcome in my home.

I was like this with my first bf family. My own family was very fractured and I had hardly any relationship with them, so didn’t engage in reciprocal conversations etc. I was really comfortable with my friends and colleagues but talking to my bf parents used to make me so anxious. They were very family oriented at best and overbearing at worst and I found it really uncomfortable
My bf also told me that his parents and sister thought I was rude, I think to try and get me to make an effort but it made it worse and awkward.
i would back right off and stop talkin go to your son about it too. Teenage relationships can be intense and you’ll have to accept that your son is growing up and making his own decisions

@NotOneOfTheInCrowd It's not difficult to diagnose. Where did you get that from?
It's easy to diagnose.

Do people with selective mutism feel comfortable telling people about their condition to stop people mistakenly thinking that they are just being rude? If OP's DH's girlfriend does have SM, would she feel able to tell her boyfriend? I presume that if she did have a diagnosis and OP's son told his mum, OP would be understanding.

DH's brother is married to someone like this....they even have children together.

Watch out! It does happen🤣

Is it? There's no services in my county who will diagnose it. Unless you can afford an independent salt assessment it will likely go unrecognised and undiagnosed by most

Sorry @SMiRAliser I've just read further back and see what you mean, I really should have the thread the correct way round

Yes I said that. It's very hard to get a diagnosis. That is not the same as it's hard to diagnose!

It’s reasonable to expect a hello, thank you and goodbye as a minimum and it’s important that your DS spends time with his friends without his gf. You are right to be concerned about this relationship, OP.

I fear I was probably like this at her age. I was raised by adults that could not be trusted, talking with them was dangerous. I wasn't taught and never saw my parents interact with others in a polite manner. I still look at my SIL and DH in wonder as they efficiently engage in polite chit-chat. Even as teenagers, such confidence!Honestly it's a learned skill.
I think my face probably looked angry all the time but really I would've just been desperate to get out of the situation.
Even today in my forties polite conversation is hard for me because my brain is telling me to run away.
I'm so glad my PIL were patient with me back when I met DH, I'm sure I looked rude and weird.

I insisted that my now DH said hello and good bye to my parents when we were first dating at 16 - he would quite easily have walked out without doing so. PIL thought I had great manners - well yes, because I was brought up to say hello, goodbye, please and thank you…

If theGF is laughing etc in the DS’s room but can’t say a word to his friendly parents, I would not be happy about that.

You don't even know if she's got selective mutism, that's just your opinion. You can't shoot down everyone else's opinion and thoughts on this thread. We've all read your opinion several times, you need to give others the same courtesy.

Everyone on here a child psychologist , it seems.
On the pet and health boards , Mumsnet WARNS specifically that people may not be qualified and to seek professional advice from someone who has seen your animal or child.

Things can sound like XYZ yet be different.

Many conditions have similar symptoms.

The desperate rush to excuse “ by diagnosis “poor behaviours on here is crazy-

Unless it’s an adult male, then the advice is “ LTB” If he’s a sullen sulky asshole.

Or maybe she just doesn’t feel like talking to the OP? Nobody is entitled to a person’s words.

If you're a guest in someone's home they are absolutely entitled to at least a greeting when arriving and leaving, and expressions of thanks.

I get that it is very hard for some people, for whatever reason, but equally I think that far too many young people now have been brought up without a foundation of basic manners.

She may not have that level of awareness of her own needs yet.

I was like this too. I can remember one of my boyfriends saying that his friends called me 'The mute' and I had no idea what he was talking about. I remember being forced by my mother to do this awful pre-nursing course where we did different work placements at a hospital (which was completely traumatising). I overheard one of the nurses complaining about me, saying that I would just stand there staring. I was completely mortified and never said anything to anyone about it. But then there was another side of me that was very vain and I wore a lot of makeup and short skirts. I did often feel quite angry with my BF's dad because he was openly racist, but I don't think I showed it. I was easily offended by quite trivial things though.

I met exH when we were 18 and I don't think I looked angry - probably just terrified - and I probably said hello but it wouldn't have occurred to me to ask how his parents were. My BF would make me pop my head round the living room door and say goodbye and I found it really difficult. Remember her emotional maturity will be that of someone much younger.

To the person saying that she's deliberately trying to ruin the atmosphere, you have absolutely no idea...an autistic person just isn't capable of this sort of manipulation. The reason they're so shy and awkward is because they don't have any social skills and they don't know what to say. They do usually develop, but very slowly.

To the person saying that she's deliberately trying to ruin the atmosphere, you have absolutely no idea...an autistic person just isn't capable of this sort of manipulation. The reason they're so shy and awkward is because they don't have any social skills and they don't know what to say. They do usually develop, but very slowly.

The OP hasn't said that the gf has any sort of diagnosis though I don't think.
She's certainly been diagnosed within an inch of her life on this thread though.

I think the op would be better to focus on her own family rather than navel gaze about the cause of this girl’s behaviour.

It sounds like her son is potentially vulnerable himself. I would be very concerned she acts this way around his friends and I’d worry about him becoming isolated as a result.