DS spends all his time with GF and she doesn’t speak to us

[DinnerOfKings]

Hoping for some advice …… DS-17 has adhd and struggled a great deal at school. Always had mates and always out and about. But he really struggled with school and was suspended many times. We supported him throughout and actually developed a very strong relationship ( me and DH who is his dad). We have always been a close family and very present in their lives ( sports day, lifts, sleepovers, watching films together, lovely holidays).

DS now at college ( think BTEC physical work - don’t want to be too outing) and made new mates and much happier in the college environment. During half term he went to a party and met a girl. He’s had a few GF before, but nothing serious. He instantly felt a connection with this girl and started spending all his time with her.

Now I know this is all normal etc but the issue is that she is apparently very shy. She literally won’t say 2 words to any of us…. I’ve tried talking to her, leaving her be, offering her food etc, talking to my son and not asking ger anything. But she just stands there looking angry …. she literally just says “good” or “no” or “yes”. No hello how you - no - thank you for having me.

DH and I have always got on with all our kids friends and have always had an open house policy. Quite often they have had big gatherings, multiple friends round and we’ve always talked and got on with every single one of them. DS now spends every night with this girl. He only sees his mates really with her and she barely talks to them. When she’s in son’s room, just the two of them she’s laughing and joking and then……. Nothing.

Im trying so hard not to react as I know she’s 16.5 and evidently shy. But - and I can’t really describe it - it creates a weird atmosphere in the house. It’s like a total stranger who barely acknowledges my existence is sleeping under my roof. I’ve talked to my son and explained that he could convey to her how important his family is, and try to encourage her to make more effort…. She is an apprentice so presumably has to talk in the workplace.

I’ve explained to DS that it’s quite limiting as she can’t / won’t join us for meals, going to the pub etc and the consequence is we hardly see him as he wants to be with her.

I think it’s hard for me as I feel like we were so close and now he’s with someone who just isn’t interested. For reference she doesn’t look meek when she’s in our company she just looks very cross at him …… one side of me thinks - it will all come out in the wash, she is very shy, and this is his way of detaching as all teens are meant to and either she will get better or they will split up. Other side of me thinks she might be trying to isolate him from friends and family.

Pls be kind but advice or experience gratefully received ….. I know there isn’t physically anything I can actually do but it’s really unpleasant either never seeing him or him always being with her and this weird atmosphere

@MimiGC …… yes I think it’s too intense ….. we have a rule of no one staying over on school / college nights ( gf / bf or friend ). So he says here mon - thurs but will go to hers until midnight and then come home to sleep. They spend 1 night a week here and two at hers. I have no idea what her parents think.

i Agee it’s full on but I’m not sure what I can do to stop DS 6 foot 2 from foibgcdobethibgbif he doesn’t want to. I literally cannot force him to stay in or make him come home

@Eaglemom

how do you know this girl has selective mutism?

this wasn’t about the OP as you will well know - I was stepping in for @oakleaffy

OP is calm and her replies are considered

you are the poster with your own demons battled and projecting like mad on here,
you are a real rebel rouser today.

It is a hell of a lot to ask from somebody with selective mutism. They physically cannot speak in certain situations.

Is she shy or just rude or controlling - its the anger that she omits would be an issue for me. I don't know how I'd deal with it but I'd just carry on saying hello -

whilst being uncomfortable and unhappy with the situation in your own home

I dont know 100%. But from the description, I would bet my life on it. Same way if someone posted on here saying their forearm was folded in half, I'd take an educated guess that it was broken.
Alot of the advice on here amd attitudes towards her would be horribly damaging for a person with selective mutism. Why take that risk when she is showing all the classic signs?

Sorry but that's one of the best things I've ever been called 🤣

you have personalised this thread to such an extent that you are in a void
this is the OP’s party not yours, go start your own thread, party pooper

I've been through this, last year.

My son finally brought his GF home last Jan. She wouldnt come out of his room, only went to the bathroom when we werent around, i began to worry for her!!

Wouldnt talk to us etc, but only because she was so so shy. We left it a few months before i got a little (ALOT) frustrated and then we took them out for dinner and i went to town, nicely with the questions etc.

And since then, we've taken her on hols. bday dinners and then last week, when my DS was at work she came into the living room and sat and chatted with me!! which was lovely.

It takes a long long time and alot of effort as a MIL.

OP it seems like you've had a loving and very involved relationship with your children. At his age most do start to drift towards friends, boyfriends, girlfriends and away from family. It seems like you have high expectations of the time he 'should' spend with family. Your comment about his responsibility to family really stood out to me. At his age, I would say he has no responsibility to spend time with family.

If his girlfriend is changing the atmosphere and making you feel uncomfortable you could speak to him about her saying hello and goodbye as a start, but really would that make you feel hugely more comfortable for it to be worth the awkward conversation and forced greetings?

It sounds like she's only at you house once a week, so not inflicting an atmosphere onto you constantly which is what I'd assumed from your first post.

I would carry on saying hello and goodbye and being polite and interested in her. If she is shy that will help her open up over time. If she's rude, I'm sure that will give your son the opportunity to see that for himself.

My autistic daughter has experienced selective autism. She has poor use of and understanding of non verbal communication such as facial expressions.
When overwhelmed and unable to speak I dare say that people could describe her as looking angry when that will have been the last thing she was thinking.
The comment about her 'looking angry' as well as the fact that she has been drawn to your son who is ND make it quite likely in my opinion that she is demonstrating difficulties understanding and engaging in social communication.
If you don't make a fuss, and help her to feel comfortable, you will hopefully eventually become familiar enough to begin to communicate with you.

I was very shy in my teens and wouldn't say boo to a goose. However, there is a difference between shyness and rudeness. No matter how shy I was, I never went to a boyfriend's house and ignored/didn't speak to his family. Even a 'hello', 'goodbye', 'thank you for having me' doesn't take much effort. In my mind your son's girlfriend is rude, not shy. If she's working, then she has to interact with people in her place of work. She doesn't have to sit downstairs and eat, or make conversation, but she should at the very least say 'hello' and 'goodbye'. That should be the bear minimum by anyone's standard, as it's basic manners. You need a chat with your son regarding his girlfriend's attitude.

Look I've had enough as you have of me I'm sure.
But look, this child is showing classic signs of selective mutism.
If there is a chance and there is a high chance, why would anyone want to.make life much worse by judging and alienating her further? Even mentioning it would be devastating for her.
It sounds like OP is exploring the whys and wherefors and considering her approach going forward which is the best thing for all concerned.
Some replies screaming rudeness and keep her away and have a word with her would be far more damaging than you can comprehend.
That is why I am sticking up.for her so much.
Selective mutism is real, it is awful for the sufferer and with understanding and empathy people can make huge strides.
Its awful.when people presume the symptoms are because of rudeness etc when actually at the root of it all is crippling anxiety.
Please consider this with anybody you know who are unable to speak.in certain situations.
People really cannot help it.
It is not a choice.
If they could talk they would and like Ive said before it is absolutely crushingly awful for the sufferer. We really do not need to be adding to their distress.
As another poster said it is woefully underdiagnosed, and woefully misunderstood as demonstrated by the majority on this post.
Just have a read up about it.

Everyone will have their own opinion based on their personal life experiences and due to the very small amount of information available, nobody on MN can know what is motivating this girl's behaviour.

However, this sounds suspiciously like the beginning of a coercive controlling relationship in which she is currently love-bombing your son while also working quite hard to isolate him from his support network, i.e. his friends and family.

The fact that she makes sure that she is present for all his social interactions is concerning.

If this turns out to be what's behind it all, the key to supporting your son is to do all you can to maintain a loving relationship with him while avoiding criticising her. If you want him to consider something ask questions what might prompt him to think about her motivations rather than expressing opinions about her.

I hope I'm wrong but everything you've said about her fits well into this scenario.

@Eaglemom

you don’t know she has selective mutism. Hth.

You don't know she hasn't. But all the signs are there. HTH

My eldest ds had a gf just like this. She really cheesed off his siblings with her rudeness. He always said it was shyness. They now live together with her son and their joint twins. She very slowly changed. Now we have a pretty normal relationship. Though it took 5 years before she would talk to us at all. Ds seems pretty happy

I had no idea that there were so many professionals on this thread who are apparently able to diagnose a condition which is almost impossible to diagnose face to face. Truly fantastic that.

The reason why teenagers are so bloody rude, and frankly are doomed to crashed adulthoods is because they’ve been brought up to have no resilience, no manners, and never be allowed to be challenged.

These teenagers are going to be the ones cutting off their parents in 10 years time for not allowing them to grow up with any life skills or resilience.

Nobody acknowledges that children are rude, naughty, ill mannered any more. All behaviour has to be brushed away as “they sound neurodiverse.”

Now here’s the thing, there are so many out there now claiming to be neurodiverse, that neurotypical isn’t actually a thing any more.

Why not just accept that we’re all different, but that we do have to co exist in society, and part of that is having basic manners.

My dd is 16 and will not look or talk to most people . She doesn't mean to come across rude.
She is Autistic and just can't bring herself to talk or acknowledge most people.
How do you know she isn't autistic or just very socially awkward.
I have a great resting b face and look angry . I can't help it. It's just my face.
Also he is nearly 18 . Just let him do what he wants . It's normal for teenagers to spend less time with parents at that age.
If you put loads of pressure on him you will just push him away .
My kid sister moved in with me at 16 just to have some independence from overbearing parents . She never moved back home. And then travelled.

If she has selective mutism she is not choosing to not speak. She physically can't.

Nobody who is able to say hello and goodbye to their boyfriends parents would choose not to. Come on.

Mutism?! For fucks sake, she's shy. give her time.

People are observing that the unexplained 'angry' face, struggle with eye contact and social chit chat and social communication are classic signs of autism.
I have a master's degree in SEND and have spent 20 years working in this field, as well as having autistic children. My previous job involved sitting on the ND pathway panels that give diagnoses of autism.
People are making sensible observations about the GF's presentation. Thankfully these days, the general public's awareness of neuro diversity is increasing as is people's understanding of how to support neuro diverse individuals.
Apologies if this doesn't fit with your 'rude teenager' narrative.

I'm amazed at how many people would allow someone to repeatedly disrespect them in their own home. I'd tell her to come back when she's learned some manners.