Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my boyfriend over this ?

293 replies

Fairydustapplecrumble · 11/01/2025 12:59

Hi I 25 f have been with my partner 37m for 4 years now. We’ve both been so busy at work apart from a couple days off at Christmas and it was our first weekend together.

This morning we were on the sofa watching telly and I went to hug him. He said ‘ergh great are you gonna hug me again and kiss me - it’s getting really annoying’ I got up made a tea and went upstairs to our bedroom I was upset. But didn’t show it.

I got a text from Royal Mail saying they’d delivered a gift I got for him. I purchased it last week because I wanted to treat him. It was a big bag of his favourite pick n mix. Anyway I went to get it as they’d left it outside and I came in and said that I’d got him these and he said ‘well it’s not even my birthday , have I had all my birthday presents now? , great’

This may be childish but I just burst into tears and quickly went back upstairs. He followed me up and saw me crying and said ‘Actually do you know what I can’t be bleeped to make you feel better I’m going out for a cigarette and a walk I need space from you, you’re a joke’

I’m really upset I don’t know what to think. He always says he loves me usually and that he’s so happy but now I feel like it’s a lie and I feel he’s secretly always annoyed at me or I get under his skin as he just completely changed today.

Also I never mention this to him but I also see no sign of a proposal . I thought after 4 years he would have thought about it but nothing. I never ask him about marriage or proposals but I have found myself thinking about it. He usually seems really happy with me. He is quite a cold man until you get to know him and then he has a softer side.

Any advice ? I feel sad 😭

thank you xx

OP posts:
Jumpingoffthefence · 15/01/2025 12:32

I advise you to recognise your worth and dump this man baby. Do not divine yourself by a waste man’s treatment of you. You are kind and generous. Recognise your innate strength and start living. I say this as a person in my late forties. You have a lot of time to find a relationship that suits you. NEVER settle.

ItGhoul · 15/01/2025 12:57

OP, it's very obvious that he's deliberately treating you like this to humiliate and control you. You're desperately trying to be affectionate and thoughtful and he makes a point of rejecting it and showing zero gratitude. He wants you to be insecure and he wants to humiliate you by watching you put effort into pleasing him and then throwing it back in your face. He's got you dangling by a thread 24/7.

Honestly, he's a piece of shit. Have some dignity and leave him. Find someone who appreciates you and wants to make you happy.

Ells2920 · 15/01/2025 13:06

Ha, I’d of said ‘that’s fine while your having your fag and space from me, don’t bothering coming back’ girl get yourself out that’d a nasty man right there. You can do better and tears shouldn’t be wasted on them!!

Griff1963 · 15/01/2025 13:11

GTFO, ASAFP!! It's a no brainer, you know you have to do it!

SwerveCity · 15/01/2025 13:13

You’re young op. Too young to waste your life on this awful loser.

FuzzyFeelingFairy · 15/01/2025 13:19

Is this unusual behaviour for him? We often take things out on those who are the closest to us without thinking through the consequences. Not an excuse for his actions, but there might be something else going on.

If this is a one off. Id seek to understand. There could be a legitimate reason for why he's acting like a pr!ck. Listen, understand but also tell him the impact he's making on you - be clear on your boundaries. Speaking to you like that is not ok.

If there is no reason. I think you're aware of your options. Put up or get out. I hope if this is the case you do the latter. Don't let someone else dull your shine.

KmcK87 · 15/01/2025 14:00

He’s over the relationship now but too scared to end it. He’s possibly met or speaking to someone else. Don’t wait for him to apologise, walk away and find someone who actually likes you.

JollyZebra · 15/01/2025 14:04

I hope, by the time you read this, you have seen the light and dumped him.

mummybear35 · 15/01/2025 14:07

Personally, I’d be gone. There seems to be no effort on his part, no kindness, no awareness that he’s being an arse and as far as I can see, no redeeming qualities to make me want to be in this relationship. Love yourself and value yourself enough to leave and find someone who will treasure you and treat you well. Don’t stay with someone that doesn’t. You’re not married so even easier to leave his sorry self behind!

BunnyLake · 15/01/2025 14:10

Please don’t marry this man. I can’t see any point in you being saddled with him for the rest of your life. You are still young (and he’s heading to 40!), leave!!

70s · 15/01/2025 14:12

I had this sort of bastard from 24-30. A real
gas lighting nasty bastard. I walked on egg shells, put up with his shit, put up with his football fascination, put up with him staying out all night, put up with him running home to his mum and ex!!!!, put up with his threats and sulks. A real
fucking bastard. I was supposed to be marrying him, all booked everything but then I caught him cheating and I dumped him, cancelled the wedding, three weeks before. It was glorious! Please be glorious and dump
this piece of nasty shit.

KatieCelf · 15/01/2025 14:12

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

GreatGardenstuff · 15/01/2025 14:18

Why would you want to be with someone capable of speaking to you like that?

And why haven’t you had a conversation about your future together after 4 years? If you want marriage then you need to communicate that and find out what he wants.

Honestly, let him go, and have a think about what you want from life. Be proactive about making it happen, instead of sitting back and letting someone else decide.

Ceecee2422 · 15/01/2025 14:19

I’m also not sure why a 33 year old would go for a 21 year old……it’s quite a gap at that age, could he not get someone his own age or they already knew him for being how he is?

Chorusgirl · 15/01/2025 14:23

No wonder you feel sad, he’s treating you terribly! Leave. Now. Don’t look back. And find someone who worships you, as you deserve. I promise, someone’s out there looking for you and you’ve plenty of time to find him. Having said that, don’t waste another minute with the man-child of the moment.

Queenofseed · 15/01/2025 14:23

Dump him

Pixiedust22 · 15/01/2025 14:25

Sounds like he wants to end things with you for whatever reason. Make his job easy and finish with him. Politely tell him not to speak to you like that and never give him the chance again. Also, eat the sweets for yourself and find a man who worships the ground you walk on, someone who will hive you the hugs and kisses and who will give you gifts 💐

Turophilic · 15/01/2025 14:27

He keeps you undermined and seeking affection and reassurance. You respond with trying to cuddle him and buying him sweets. He rejects you, you cry.

Result? Your self worth plummets and he has his live-in maid/emotional punching bag doing the Pick Me dance.

Find some pride in yourself and walk out. He is never going to marry you - even if he did he’d make you miserable.

He might dangle the promise of an engagement at some point to bring you back in line. Don’t fall for it.

There’s a reason he targeted a 21 year old when in his mid 30s; a woman without enough life experience to see his behaviour for what it is.

Best of luck, @Fairydustapplecrumble

boredoflaundry · 15/01/2025 14:33

He's 37 & not thought about proposing. That says everything.
hes also acting like how a rude spoilt teenager might speak to his mum! … teen would need telling that’s not appropriate - I’m not sure the 37 year old is ever going to learn !!

Smittenkitchen · 15/01/2025 14:33

It's probably already been said but it sounds to me like he's either cheating and so trying to cause problems in your relationship to legitimise that or is unhappy in the relationship but too cowardly to break up so he's treating you badly until you do it. Either way, you shouldn't put up with it. If he's showing signs of being commitment phobic at his age, he's probably one who'll get to 40 still saying vaguely he'd want to do marriage/kids "one day" but he never actually will. Get rid! You sound great and have plenty of time to meet someone wonderful who can respect and value you.

CatLoco · 15/01/2025 14:35

My Husband once told me that when he was younger he would sabotage relationships when he'd had enough of them in order to get dumped. Seems like exactly what he's doing to you.

You were thoughtful. Put money and more importantly the effort into getting him something he would (should) appreciate and he treats you like crap and then acts like it's your fault!

And apparently cuddles and kisses are things that should be avoided in his book...

Maybe after 4 years he's unable to keep the facade going and this is the 'true' him

Please don't settle. There will be someone out there who adores kisses and cuddles and thoughtful little gifts. And more importantly...you.

rb124 · 15/01/2025 14:41

I can only agree with BMW6 give him the elbow asap and move on with your life.

ShortRun · 15/01/2025 14:41

Please update us when you've dumped him. It'll be hard at first but it'll be with it

Betchyaby · 15/01/2025 14:42

You are both completely incompatible when it comes to affection and emotions. It sounds like he finds not only your gestures of affection annoying but also you as a person. He is cold, rude and actually quite cruel.

You're too young to waste prime years on this weirdo.

ERthree · 15/01/2025 14:47

He doesn't like you.
He doesn't deserve you.
You deserve much better.
It is that simple.