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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my boyfriend over this ?

293 replies

Fairydustapplecrumble · 11/01/2025 12:59

Hi I 25 f have been with my partner 37m for 4 years now. We’ve both been so busy at work apart from a couple days off at Christmas and it was our first weekend together.

This morning we were on the sofa watching telly and I went to hug him. He said ‘ergh great are you gonna hug me again and kiss me - it’s getting really annoying’ I got up made a tea and went upstairs to our bedroom I was upset. But didn’t show it.

I got a text from Royal Mail saying they’d delivered a gift I got for him. I purchased it last week because I wanted to treat him. It was a big bag of his favourite pick n mix. Anyway I went to get it as they’d left it outside and I came in and said that I’d got him these and he said ‘well it’s not even my birthday , have I had all my birthday presents now? , great’

This may be childish but I just burst into tears and quickly went back upstairs. He followed me up and saw me crying and said ‘Actually do you know what I can’t be bleeped to make you feel better I’m going out for a cigarette and a walk I need space from you, you’re a joke’

I’m really upset I don’t know what to think. He always says he loves me usually and that he’s so happy but now I feel like it’s a lie and I feel he’s secretly always annoyed at me or I get under his skin as he just completely changed today.

Also I never mention this to him but I also see no sign of a proposal . I thought after 4 years he would have thought about it but nothing. I never ask him about marriage or proposals but I have found myself thinking about it. He usually seems really happy with me. He is quite a cold man until you get to know him and then he has a softer side.

Any advice ? I feel sad 😭

thank you xx

OP posts:
Horses7 · 11/01/2025 16:54

You are wasting your time with a nasty guy who will only get worse. You’re still very young so get out now.

Bestfootforward11 · 11/01/2025 16:57

Horrible man. 37 years old?? Good grief. You are only 25, don’t destroy your future with this man. Please. This is not the way to treat people. You felt upset at the time because you know that. You deserve much better. I would you all the best.

NewGreenDuck · 11/01/2025 16:58

I voted YABVU because, quite frankly, it's obvious that you need to pack your bags and go. You will have a lifetime of misery if you stay.

PureBoggin · 11/01/2025 17:02

Never stay with someone based on their potential. Never stay with someone in the hope that things get better. He is treating you badly. There is no justification for this. If he is feeling a bit smothered then that's ok but he should be able to tell you this kindly and warmly. You should be able to have a conversation about each others needs without cruelty and abuse. My fear for you is that the more he distances himself and treats you poorly, the more you will need his affection and the more poor behaviour you will accept. Please don't do this.

BellissimoGecko · 11/01/2025 17:34

SevenWeeks · 11/01/2025 13:04

Come on, OP - he's treating you like shit on his shoes, surely you can see that a proposal from this tosser is the last thing you should be looking for. Get out, and find someone who respects you.

This x100

outerspacepotato · 11/01/2025 17:48

She tries hugging and kissing him when he's watching morning TV. When he says something about it, she takes her tea and goes upstairs. She said she was upset and of course he knows.

Then she gets him a gift, he wants to know if this is his birthday gift and she bursts into tears.

Maybe he doesn't want to be bothered in the morning. Maybe he's tired of her getting upset over that. Maybe he's tired of asking her a question and her bursting into tears.

She sounds like she needs an awful lot of attention and he's over it.

So yes, she's needy and he's unpleasant.

ByBusyTiger · 11/01/2025 17:54

Withdraw. Men hate needy or nice tbh. They want bitches (no one will tell you this)

No attention until he behaves properly, certainly no more gifts or love. Know your worth ok? Once you realise it, you’ll never let a man treat you that way again 💖

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 11/01/2025 18:07

outerspacepotato · 11/01/2025 17:48

She tries hugging and kissing him when he's watching morning TV. When he says something about it, she takes her tea and goes upstairs. She said she was upset and of course he knows.

Then she gets him a gift, he wants to know if this is his birthday gift and she bursts into tears.

Maybe he doesn't want to be bothered in the morning. Maybe he's tired of her getting upset over that. Maybe he's tired of asking her a question and her bursting into tears.

She sounds like she needs an awful lot of attention and he's over it.

So yes, she's needy and he's unpleasant.

That's shit. She isn't needy. That's quite normal behaviour.

Plus the way he speaks to her is just not acceptable.

outerspacepotato · 11/01/2025 18:32

I think it's needy. The last thing I ever wanted in the morning was someone all over me wanting affection. I know quite a few people who aren't happy morning people. Going off to sulk over it, that's shit. Then bursting into tears because he asked if that's his birthday gift, WTF?

I have said he's unpleasant.

And they're obviously incompatible.

CeceliaImrie · 11/01/2025 18:47

I see OP hasn't returned. I hope she's read the replies and sees the man's
a twat but mainly I hope she's ok.

Cherrysoup · 11/01/2025 18:52

Dear me! He sounds horrible. Why are you with him? He doesn’t even want you hugging him, wtf?! Sounds like he has the ick. Some relationships just come to an end and sorry, sounds like you’re there.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/01/2025 18:53

@Fairydustapplecrumble

Well, Occam's Razor says that it's most likely that for him the relationship has run its course, but he's too cowardly (or comfortable) to tell you.

I'd beat him to the punch and tell him that you are no longer getting what you need from the relationship (which is true) and that you are ending it. Make any plans you need to make beforehand as far as any 'change in living arrangements' (ie whose house/flat is it and who will need to leave) as well as separating any finances. And please, double up your contraception. The last thing you need to do is become pregnant.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but reality must be faced. And in the end, reality is your friend.

YourWildAmberSloth · 11/01/2025 19:57

Be glad that you haven't had the proposal, being married to someone who treats you like this would be far worse. Sorry to be blunt but he's acting like he's fed up with you/ irritated by you. You were relatively young when you got together and he was older, you have both grown up and maybe you have grown apart.

9999problems · 11/01/2025 22:57

You're only 25, time is on your side to meet someone who truly deserves you. Don't waste any more time on this man. He's old enough to know better but clearly doesn't.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 11/01/2025 23:03

This relationship is over. He is vile.
Dump him and find someone better who really deserves you.
Nasty man child Brat.

WigglyVonWaggly · 11/01/2025 23:24

I’d be interested to know what he’d say if you said, “You know what? I’m tired of being spoken to like that. I deserve better than this. Either sort your attitude out and treat me better or it’s over.”

Bloodfart · 12/01/2025 04:03

YourWildAmberSloth · 11/01/2025 19:57

Be glad that you haven't had the proposal, being married to someone who treats you like this would be far worse. Sorry to be blunt but he's acting like he's fed up with you/ irritated by you. You were relatively young when you got together and he was older, you have both grown up and maybe you have grown apart.

I agree with this. It sounds as if he has gone off the OP and the relationship. The differences in age and maturity were endearing to him at first but now they’re irritating and he can’t be arsed with them. I’ve seen this is intercultural relationships too where the differences in culture make things interesting at first and become tiresome later. Of course they don’t all end up going that way, but if this one has, it won’t get any better.

I would like to know if the OP often gets him surprise presents. I bet he never gets her any. But it sounds as if she is much more into him than he is into her, and he realizes this and therefore feels he can behave so gracelessly. Thinks he’s invincible and there’s no way you will end the relationship. You can, OP.

GentlyAnarchistic · 12/01/2025 05:44

Is this a reverse Leonardo?

Porkyporkchop · 12/01/2025 05:47

nomorezoflora · 11/01/2025 13:04

Why would you want a proposal from a man who doesn't like being with you? Please get out of this.

This.
leave him, he is awful. Why are you so desperate for the affections of an ogre. There are much nicer men out there!!

Monty27 · 12/01/2025 05:50

In a cowardly way he's telling you it's over.
You do sound immature and he's probably done with the trophy moment.
Sorry.

TerrorAustralis · 12/01/2025 05:53

You’re 24. You are young and no doubt gorgeous in the way that 24-year-olds don’t realise they are. You should be out having the time of your life, not wasting your time and emotion on this dickhead.

Dump him and start enjoying life.

CheekyHobson · 12/01/2025 05:54

Can you imagine telling someone you like (let alone love) “I can’t be fucked with you, you’re a joke.”

Of course you can’t. The only person you would say that to is someone you despised and thought unworthy of even the lowest level of respect.

Paisleyandpolkadots · 12/01/2025 06:49

Life can be hard. It's much harder If the worst horror of all is the husband or partner waiting at home for you.

Yes, you've invested four years in this man but you're still young. There are plenty of nice no-smoking younger men out there who wouldn't dream of treating you this way. I wouldn't have taken on a man who was 12 years older than me with a smoking habit. I wouldn't want to be spending my forties looking after somebody with lung cancer or emphysemia.

Take the chocolates with you when you leave.

fairytailcat · 12/01/2025 08:52

He doesn't want to be with you snd is trying to get you to end it

DogsandDungarees · 12/01/2025 22:01

This is the begining of the highly abusive behaviour which is likely to escalate.

Take your sweets and run to the hills, you are worth so much more.