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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my boyfriend over this ?

293 replies

Fairydustapplecrumble · 11/01/2025 12:59

Hi I 25 f have been with my partner 37m for 4 years now. We’ve both been so busy at work apart from a couple days off at Christmas and it was our first weekend together.

This morning we were on the sofa watching telly and I went to hug him. He said ‘ergh great are you gonna hug me again and kiss me - it’s getting really annoying’ I got up made a tea and went upstairs to our bedroom I was upset. But didn’t show it.

I got a text from Royal Mail saying they’d delivered a gift I got for him. I purchased it last week because I wanted to treat him. It was a big bag of his favourite pick n mix. Anyway I went to get it as they’d left it outside and I came in and said that I’d got him these and he said ‘well it’s not even my birthday , have I had all my birthday presents now? , great’

This may be childish but I just burst into tears and quickly went back upstairs. He followed me up and saw me crying and said ‘Actually do you know what I can’t be bleeped to make you feel better I’m going out for a cigarette and a walk I need space from you, you’re a joke’

I’m really upset I don’t know what to think. He always says he loves me usually and that he’s so happy but now I feel like it’s a lie and I feel he’s secretly always annoyed at me or I get under his skin as he just completely changed today.

Also I never mention this to him but I also see no sign of a proposal . I thought after 4 years he would have thought about it but nothing. I never ask him about marriage or proposals but I have found myself thinking about it. He usually seems really happy with me. He is quite a cold man until you get to know him and then he has a softer side.

Any advice ? I feel sad 😭

thank you xx

OP posts:
tolerable · 15/01/2025 16:42

i never mention this but no sign of a proposal...s your mouths have fell f.4yrs and no communicaatin is lest cncerns.wlk.dont look back theres literallly milions f single men in world

Kths · 15/01/2025 16:49

This happened to me, my once amazing partner turned cold and nasty over night, it was destabilizing and confusing

I thought it was because he was stressed but it turned out he didn’t want to be with me anymore as he liked someone else so turned nasty to get me to leave him

sad thing is this went on for 8 months as I just didn’t understand or get it and was sat patiently waiting for my loving partner to return

when he told me months after our split he tried to get me to leave him I told him I would rather he be honest and left then put me through that, he said he couldn’t as was bad for business

InSearchOfMartin · 15/01/2025 16:54

@Kths Bad for business? What's that mean? Did you run a business together?

theDudesmummy · 15/01/2025 16:55

What a nasty person. What is the point of him, exactly?

ManchesterGirl2 · 15/01/2025 16:56

Dump him. He's treating you like absolute shit.

I'd never speak to a partner in the way he is doing, even if we'd had a massive argument.

Downtoncrabbey · 15/01/2025 16:59

You probably don't know this as you are young, but this is classic of the age gap. He is 37, he has preyed on you because he is a loser and any woman his age would see through his BS and not put up with him.

He is abusive so he got an an innocent young woman, put on a mask at first of being nice, and now it starting to slip. It will only get worse from here on out. You can see the contempt he has for you. This is not a blip, but his true self coming out. I'm very sorry but the best thing you can do at this point is plan your exit, DO NOT get pregnant, and do not trust him with birth control. It is common for them to trap you with pregnancy especially when they feel you withdrawing. Then you are stuck with them and very vulnerable.

Of course he won't marry you, that way he can leave you anytime easily and you cant demand anything from him.

JANEY205 · 15/01/2025 17:00

There’s a reason nobody his own age would deal with him and he’s had to date 12 years younger.
At 25 you’re in the prime of your life to be meeting a really nice guy. Get rid of this loser!!

CheekyRaven · 15/01/2025 17:16

Starting to show his colours. Leave now. What will he be like 5 years down the line?
Wishing you well.

thescandalwascontained · 15/01/2025 17:18

He's a complete and utter arsehole who is treating you like less than.

You deserve so much better.

Be glad you're not engaged. Run. Run, run, run.

AMalePerspectives · 15/01/2025 17:18

Fairydustapplecrumble · 11/01/2025 12:59

Hi I 25 f have been with my partner 37m for 4 years now. We’ve both been so busy at work apart from a couple days off at Christmas and it was our first weekend together.

This morning we were on the sofa watching telly and I went to hug him. He said ‘ergh great are you gonna hug me again and kiss me - it’s getting really annoying’ I got up made a tea and went upstairs to our bedroom I was upset. But didn’t show it.

I got a text from Royal Mail saying they’d delivered a gift I got for him. I purchased it last week because I wanted to treat him. It was a big bag of his favourite pick n mix. Anyway I went to get it as they’d left it outside and I came in and said that I’d got him these and he said ‘well it’s not even my birthday , have I had all my birthday presents now? , great’

This may be childish but I just burst into tears and quickly went back upstairs. He followed me up and saw me crying and said ‘Actually do you know what I can’t be bleeped to make you feel better I’m going out for a cigarette and a walk I need space from you, you’re a joke’

I’m really upset I don’t know what to think. He always says he loves me usually and that he’s so happy but now I feel like it’s a lie and I feel he’s secretly always annoyed at me or I get under his skin as he just completely changed today.

Also I never mention this to him but I also see no sign of a proposal . I thought after 4 years he would have thought about it but nothing. I never ask him about marriage or proposals but I have found myself thinking about it. He usually seems really happy with me. He is quite a cold man until you get to know him and then he has a softer side.

Any advice ? I feel sad 😭

thank you xx

He may seem like the love of your life but I would seriously think about giving him the boot, maybe suggest some time away from him, plan a girls weekend somewhere, see if he reacts to it, if not then he isn't the one for you, you need someone who will love and work for your relationship, if his head isn't in that place then I can't see it going anywhere, you have already invested 4 years of your life to him and this is how he reacts to you.
A relationship is all about working to make your partner feel wanted and to do things that make them happy, spending time with them it's not normal for a partner to respond to you the way he has.

Firingsz · 15/01/2025 17:18

What on earth are you doing with this nasty belittling pig?

Do you honestly believe all you deserve is a nasty prick?

If so, you have definitely got one.

JollyGreenSleeves · 15/01/2025 17:25

I think he is trying to knock your confidence so you don’t ever leave him because you’re younger and out of his league.

Ponoka7 · 15/01/2025 17:28

You're 25, he's nearly 40, he should be worshipping you. Don't waste your 20's on him, you don't get this time back.

Hwi · 15/01/2025 17:51

Dump him! You are so young and he is an old idiot - find a nice young boy who would love you - he is far too old and miserable for you, he should hang out with his fellow pensioners.

JandamiHash · 15/01/2025 17:53

OP you’re still so young. Why waste your life on this miserable curmudgeonly bastard who sounds like he’s 37 going on 7

JandamiHash · 15/01/2025 17:54

JollyGreenSleeves · 15/01/2025 17:25

I think he is trying to knock your confidence so you don’t ever leave him because you’re younger and out of his league.

Absolutely bang on

And if you’re not careful OP you will be 35, miserable, self confidence shattered and eager to please a man of almost 50. Get out now

runningonberocca · 15/01/2025 18:02

He’s an absolute dick. Get rid. You deserve much better than this

Voneska · 15/01/2025 18:06

His approach sounds like that of a Room mate. Would you want a proposal from this jerk??????? Get your own ROOM in the house and Lock the door. If there's no spare room ,use the dining room. I'm not surprised you're upset. This arrangement sounds transactional. Keep it as ' ROOMATES' do not engage. For advice on moving forward : Go to Podcast sites on internet and watch items on Narcissism. Learn about ' Grey Rock ' in particular to help your emotional health. You need to Grey Rock him now!!!!!!!!

AwaitingFreedom · 15/01/2025 18:12

@Fairydustapplecrumble
Are you going to bother coming back, if only to thank posters for their time?

DisabledDemon · 15/01/2025 18:16

For heaven’s sake, don’t marry him - bin him! Do you really want a lifetime of this behaviour?

MyTwinklyPanda · 15/01/2025 19:39

Sounds like you're more mature than him. If I was speaking to my 21 year old self (I was in a similar situation at your age) I'd be saying. Get yourself somewhere else to live, if you can move back home with parent(s) or elsewhere even a job anywhere that has accommodation go for it, spread your wings, life is way too short. Block him from everything and never be swayed into getting back with him. I really wish I'd done this instead of waiting........You're very young to be in a longterm relationship. Go and have lots of fun, travel and be happy. You're not happy at all for one reason or another. Don't be dragged down by his games or before he cheats on you and makes a fool of you. He's 37 and will still be like this in another 10 years.

Do yourself a favour and don't get engaged because he's not the one.

JayJayj · 15/01/2025 19:42

He was 33 when you were 21. I think that’s a gross age gap. He probably got with someone so young hoping to manipulate them into doing whatever he wants.

please leave him.

JuliaLilian · 15/01/2025 20:07

Do everything you can to unpick your life with this bloke. He sounds really horrible. Can you imagine how much worse life will you if you stay with him or have children with him? You do not want to end up being financially dependent on him.

LBFseBrom · 15/01/2025 21:08

Kths · 15/01/2025 16:49

This happened to me, my once amazing partner turned cold and nasty over night, it was destabilizing and confusing

I thought it was because he was stressed but it turned out he didn’t want to be with me anymore as he liked someone else so turned nasty to get me to leave him

sad thing is this went on for 8 months as I just didn’t understand or get it and was sat patiently waiting for my loving partner to return

when he told me months after our split he tried to get me to leave him I told him I would rather he be honest and left then put me through that, he said he couldn’t as was bad for business

My immediate thought regarding the op's situation; it did sound to me as though he wanted to end it but hoped she'd go because that's easiest.

I hope she does go and enjoys her life. She is only 25.

AshCrapp · 15/01/2025 22:44

No man would call me a joke in my own house and still be my boyfriend when he came back from that walk.

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