DP gone on holiday

[Jajagabour]

Trying to figure out if I'm being unreasonable.

Long story short - blended family situation. Living together 8 years. DCs from both me and him. 50/50 childcare split with other parents.

Financially big difference, I earn a 3rd of what he does. House has gone through lots of renovations which still not finished and has cost me a fortune.

DP loves travelling, doing nice things etc. As do I but money is a barrier. I also like to pay my way and not ask for financial support.

He's been away a lot over the years with his parents and siblings - it's their thing. We went on holiday last year with his fam and all DC.

Then his parents and siblings decided to plan a holiday for start of Jan to Hawaii. He wanted to go - but DC couldn't because of school and neither me because of work and obviously DC. I felt really annoyed about this, more so because I would love to go to Hawaii, dream holiday, but I'd want to go with DC and finance limited.

He booked anyway and said it's because his parents getting old and he was to take opportunities to make memories, reconnect etc.

I just feel so miffed by it all. He was also sending me messages telling me he was having a terrible time because I was making him feel guilty. I've bit my lip and sent nice messages to him so I don't ruin his trip. It's also been freezing here and our CH packed up.

Am I being a nob? I don't usually care, he's done trips before but this time I'm upset and annoyed. I guess it's because I'm really struggling with money atm. Plus I'm not going to be happy if he sends pics of himself and his fam on the beach when it's so miserable here!

The 50/50 issue when unmarried is complex. Is it better for OP to pay less and own less, or is it to her advantage to stretch herself more and own a bigger share of a more expensive property? Matter of opinion perhaps. I think if you're going to argue he should pay more, it makes more sense for it to be a higher share of food and utilities. but then these are probably smaller costs.

That’s not a Partnership, it’s FWB sex!

For me a partnership is one where you pool resources and share the ups and downs 50/50.

I couldn’t live with a selfish arsehole like him and I think you’ve sold yourself massively short accepting such an unbalanced relationship.

Are you willing to live like a pauper in old age whilst he carries on putting himself first all the time? I bet you’ve not even discussed retirement plans seriously, have you?

But then there is no incentive for him to get married, and op is likely stuck in this miserable situation watching her partner jet off on luxury holidays forever, whilst she cannot.

Eight years together - that’s not ok.

Well, she's not stuck - the advantage of not being married is that she's not legally tied to him beyond the house.

There have been so many threads on here over the years about how difficult finances are in "second relationships" and all the arguments that occur when people blend families and try and split things equally. It's not easy.

In his shoes, I don't think I would marry either. Would you?

People are commenting about how he should be able to holiday with his family alone. I don't think that's the issue, I think the issue is 2 people in a partnership, living as a family have huge differences in quality of life. OP is at home without CH worrying about the cost whilst DP is on a holiday that she could never afford.
I think there needs to be a conversation with him about finances and propose that the contribution to bills and household expenses is proportionate to income. Living the way you are is likely to lead to a lot of resentment.

Can’t help with relationship. But check your condensate pipe isn’t frozen before ringing a plumber. There are videos on YouTube and it’s a very easy fix with warm (not boiling) water.

How do you want your finances with your DP to function @Jajagabour ?

It sounds like you 'paying your way' is self inflicted - why?
As you're not married, I can understand why you want to be 50/50 on the house but this means you will always be financially fucked Vs your DP. You will always have less money and him always have more. For him to exist on your budget doesn't seem fair either.

As you aren't married, I am not sure you should pool your finances completely but I do think there should be a rebalance. Do you think you will get married? Obviously then you could pool your money and legally your covered

Yes that's the issue and one I need to address - the financial burden. And maybe our living situation is more house mates than partners?

I appreciate the responses, leaving the thread now. X

I married my husband, and I am by far the wealthier of the two of us. I accept that there is risk. But I wouldn’t live my life in the way op’s partner is living his. How miserable. I’d rather us both be happy for as long as possible.

Kids aside, I genuinely can’t imagine my DH taking a holiday that I couldn’t afford. It’s a joint expense and something for us to both enjoy.

I'm trying to protect my 50% share hence paying equally towards renovations.

If we do sell property, it is 50% mine.

@MrsTerryPratchett There's a lot of research about happiness in populations. One of the things that's interesting is that poverty and/or wealth don't cause higher crime rates. Relative poverty does though. If there is a stark, obvious divide, there is crime. Having no money while everyone else has no money doesn't make you feel poor, but seeing other people with loads does. Then you get resentful and jealous and want things.

This is really interesting, I had no idea. I wonder if that’s why the UK has a much higher crime rate than my country, while in reality my home country is poorer? The thing that shocked the most moving here is how obviously divided it is, when back home we’re just broke across the board.

I don’t think it’s whether they’re married or not that is the issue- it’s the fact that although they are in a committed relationship her partner is acting as if he’s single, and is uncaring and selfish, clearing off on his luxury holiday. People who are committed to each other don’t behave like that.

DH is wealthier than me too.

But we don't have children and the complication of blending families, that's the difference I think.

Op, I asked earlier if you had children together. I’m assuming you don’t.

You seem to be two units…him and his children, you and yours. You need a discussion about where this is going. It’s been 8 years, plenty long enough to decide.

If you do have a child or children together, then he is even more selfish than I imagined.

It is interesting to spend time in countries that are more homogenous in terms of wealth. I recently stayed with some herders in the middle of nowhere in Asia. They valued their precious possessions because they didn't have someone next door with a Mercedes.

Relative poverty is bad. Much worse, and what we are struggling with in the UK, is relative poverty and declining social mobility. Seeing things you want, and that others have, knowing you probably won't ever have them? That's terrible for social issues.

Sensible call. You do have to think about all the implications of decisions like this, when not married. Allowing someone to pay more than you in this situation isn't consequence free!

You said you would like a holiday in Hawaii with your DC. But you can’t go because you’re working, you can’t afford it and the DC are in school.

You seem to begrudge your DP for going on a holiday which you can’t go on anyway. What should he do? Refuse to go on this holiday to make you feel better?

I suspect this is about more than the holiday.

Not sure what your set up is re your children/ his children/ joint children, but it sounds like hasn't moved on from prioritising the family set up he had as a child, and sees you and your/ his children as secondary to that. Lovely that he wants to spend time with his parents, but where does that leave you? Does he not want to enjoying these amazing experiences with you too?

He's selfish.

Well, her DP could pay for her to go on a wonderful holiday because he loves her. Isn't that the kind of thing that actual partners do? I know I paid for DH to come on holiday with me before we were married, since I'm a City lawyer and he was a PhD student.

OP well I can fully understand why you are feeling fed up ! I can understand a quick break with elderly parents or a week skiing with friends ( my husband always went skiing which I was not bothered about because I hate skiing) but a dream holiday to somewhere exotic for 2weeks is taking the piss . I would be really upset that husband/ partner was experiencing such a great holiday because financially they could afford it and I couldn’t. Likewise i contributed towards a trip for both of us to go to Canada last year because no way would our joint finances afford it . I used my own money to ensure husband went as well.

But OP says she wouldn't want to go without her children and has also acknowledged he couldn't afford to pay for everyone.

So it seems that the answer is either that he goes alone or nobody goes at all.

Not a chance I’d go on a luxury 3 week holiday without my kids and partner - not when I could use that money to have a week holiday somewhere nice with all of them. It’s pure selfish and uncaring. He also normally has his children 50% but has just fucked off and left his ex to do his half too for 3 weeks.

Honestly OP, what does this man bring to your life? You sound more like housemates than life partners.

No more unfair than him going without his children. Also the CH is on him - you both have to pay to fix it, right?