DP gone on holiday

[Jajagabour]

Trying to figure out if I'm being unreasonable.

Long story short - blended family situation. Living together 8 years. DCs from both me and him. 50/50 childcare split with other parents.

Financially big difference, I earn a 3rd of what he does. House has gone through lots of renovations which still not finished and has cost me a fortune.

DP loves travelling, doing nice things etc. As do I but money is a barrier. I also like to pay my way and not ask for financial support.

He's been away a lot over the years with his parents and siblings - it's their thing. We went on holiday last year with his fam and all DC.

Then his parents and siblings decided to plan a holiday for start of Jan to Hawaii. He wanted to go - but DC couldn't because of school and neither me because of work and obviously DC. I felt really annoyed about this, more so because I would love to go to Hawaii, dream holiday, but I'd want to go with DC and finance limited.

He booked anyway and said it's because his parents getting old and he was to take opportunities to make memories, reconnect etc.

I just feel so miffed by it all. He was also sending me messages telling me he was having a terrible time because I was making him feel guilty. I've bit my lip and sent nice messages to him so I don't ruin his trip. It's also been freezing here and our CH packed up.

Am I being a nob? I don't usually care, he's done trips before but this time I'm upset and annoyed. I guess it's because I'm really struggling with money atm. Plus I'm not going to be happy if he sends pics of himself and his fam on the beach when it's so miserable here!

I think him going on holiday is fine but you shouldn't be paying 50% of bills when he earns a lot more.

But the massive difference here is that you're married. OP is not.

I very much doubt posters would be telling a un-married woman to pay 70% of the running costs of a house she only owned 50% of, with a man she wasn't married to.

Everyone would be saying he was a cocklodger who should be paying his share.

Sorry my mistake.

The financial inequality is still an issue.
This sounds more like a house-sharing agreement between friends than a loving committed relationship with a future.

Will his pension be more than yours? Will you always be poorer than him?

Did / does he want to get married? Do you?

I've always thought it would be difficult to be in a relationship with significant income differences and non-pooled finances.

For me, neither of you are wrong here. It's ok for him to want to go on a specific holiday with his parents and siblings, and to hold a different view to you about how long he's willing to be away from his own DC for. It's ok for you not to want him to go to places you couldn't afford and/or practically manage. You might just be incompatible.

I can see why you'd be miffed but you couldn't go anyway because of work and your children so no point in feeling resentful. May as well let it go especially if its regular thing for him to go off and enjoy himself alone.

I'd be concerned about the fact that you are struggling a bit financially and he doesnt seem terribly bothered about it. I cant quite see the point in having a relationship with someone who appears to want to live as if they are still largely single... but thats just me. I think a relationship means helping each other out money-wise from time to time otherwise the financial disparity can create problems...

For me the problem would be communication. OP said she likes to be independent financially and not ask for support, so if that’s the case then should her OH not go away either? If she really wanted to go, why not just ask him?

If you couldn't/wouldn't go because of work/kids it's a moot point really.

Have his sibling's partners gone?

If it was possible, would he have paid for you to go?

To me, this is a really strange situation, OP. You are in a relationship but living like flatmates?... You are struggling for money and he is off on an expensive holiday, WTF? If he decided his life is with you, and is happy to share a house and both look after your DCs he needs to act like you are a family, not some sort of a weird fuck buddy situation.

I get why you feel miffed but he hasn't really done anything wrong to you. It's a bit crap he go away and leave his kids but that's on him. But he's entitled to do what he wants with his time and money. Obviously different if you had joint kids

Could you retrain to do the same job as he does so that you have more money? @Jajagabour

He sounds very much a have my cake and eat it type.
I’m sure it’s great for him paying 50% of bills from his higher salary and having you to help care for his children when they’re with you ( unless he does all their cooking, cleaning, laundry, drop offs, pick ups etc does he?)
And goes off and enjoys the single life whenever he wants.

Agree100%! People who are in a committed relationship do not behave like this!

@Chroniclesofstress
@Bignanna

it is ok for parents to sometimes go on holiday without their kids though

Your cold and skint. Give yourself some grace. Glad your neighbours were able to drop off portable heaters for you x

If he earns more I don't understand why he isn't paying in more. If your income is 1/3 of his then he should pay 2/3 of everything which includes holiday savings pot. That way it's fair and you don't need to worry about not being able to afford to go on holiday. If there's not enough in the pot none of you go, if there is you all go. Simples.

I can't speak for anyone else but I personally would always operate a partnership on principles of fairness regarding money, whether married or not - we did this before we married too, while cohabiting.

My knee jerk response was that you were being a bit of a knob. But the more I've thought about it the more I realise I would probably feel similarly so you are not alone!

It's good that you've decided to talk finances when he gets back. You shouldn't be left skint because of joint projects. I assume the renovations were joint decisions?

It doesn't sound as if you'll ever have financial parity but neither should you be left struggling for money.

Don't bother pissing about with ignoring messages etc unless you love a bit of drama.

Because they're not married?

I don't believe a woman in his shoes would be told to pay for their un-married partners' housing costs.

The thing is, that's a fine stance to take but can cause massive problems in the event of a break-up.

So many unmarried women are told "protect your assets" - why should it be any different for an unmarried man?

Also, is the cocklodger notion not about more than just money? I've always viewed it as a combo of money and being useless. If it's just about money then it's basically holding someone's social status against them and pretending salaries have something to do with merit, so e.g. a male nurse who's useful around the house but married to a lawyer would be a cocklodger...

I wouldn’t be annoyed that he wants to go with his family, I certainly wouldn’t be annoyed that he’s not taking his DC, but I would be appalled to be expected to split 50/50 when you only earn a third.

I also find it dodgy that he’s okay with seeing you struggle when bottom line is: you don’t earn the same. But to each their own.

It's probably a mixture of both.

But I just don't believe that an un-married, high-earning woman would be told she had to cover the living costs for their male, lower-earning partner. At all.

If this was a marriage, you would be subsidising his luxury holidays at your expense.

Apparently because this is a partnership, it’s ok. Expected even.

I wouldn’t want to get married either if I were him. He’s got it great hasn’t he.

I don’t think you’re ever going to get a definitive answer because it’s such a divisive issue, depending on the dynamics of posters own relationships

Personally, I wouldn’t want to go on a holiday, especially to a destination like that, while leaving a partner behind. I’d feel awful that they were stuck at home while I’m sat on a glorious beach with a cocktail in my hand. If we couldn’t both go, then neither of us would be going. My priority would be a holiday with my long term partner and our respective children, rather than my parents and adult siblings.

And I know the 50/50 thing is probably quite sensible when you’re not married. But if you’re living together long term and you’ve blended your families, I’m not convinced it’s always the healthiest thing to do for a relationship.

If this was a marriage, they'd both have legal protection and all their money would be legally a "joint asset", though.

Marriage makes a huge difference in situations like this.