DP gone on holiday

[Jajagabour]

Trying to figure out if I'm being unreasonable.

Long story short - blended family situation. Living together 8 years. DCs from both me and him. 50/50 childcare split with other parents.

Financially big difference, I earn a 3rd of what he does. House has gone through lots of renovations which still not finished and has cost me a fortune.

DP loves travelling, doing nice things etc. As do I but money is a barrier. I also like to pay my way and not ask for financial support.

He's been away a lot over the years with his parents and siblings - it's their thing. We went on holiday last year with his fam and all DC.

Then his parents and siblings decided to plan a holiday for start of Jan to Hawaii. He wanted to go - but DC couldn't because of school and neither me because of work and obviously DC. I felt really annoyed about this, more so because I would love to go to Hawaii, dream holiday, but I'd want to go with DC and finance limited.

He booked anyway and said it's because his parents getting old and he was to take opportunities to make memories, reconnect etc.

I just feel so miffed by it all. He was also sending me messages telling me he was having a terrible time because I was making him feel guilty. I've bit my lip and sent nice messages to him so I don't ruin his trip. It's also been freezing here and our CH packed up.

Am I being a nob? I don't usually care, he's done trips before but this time I'm upset and annoyed. I guess it's because I'm really struggling with money atm. Plus I'm not going to be happy if he sends pics of himself and his fam on the beach when it's so miserable here!

I think you need to pay for the house and bills a percentage or whatever you get paid. You should still keep 50 per cent but would help balance the difference in salary. I don't think long term your relationship would survive him living his life with more disposable income and you waiting at home. You would come resentful and your experiences would lead to you outgrowing each other.

Why? They agreed when they purchased that they owned the house 50/50. If she suddenly starts paying less than him for maintenance, then it is no longer 50/50 when they sell and split up.

So you would be happy to pay 70% of the bills, mortgage and repairs on a house you only owned half of, for a man you weren't married to? Really?

You’ve been living together as a couple for 8 years and you still have separate everything money-wise? I just don’t get why people do this. If you’re a partnership and trust each other, why not simply merge your finances.

If not, the easy thing at the very least would be to have a joint holiday fund and that way you can ALL go if you want.

It’s not weird for couples to take separate holidays but it is weird to live with your partner and keep all money totally separate surely?
You can’t really moan if you chose not to go.

I'm not sure it's particularly weird - they're not married and don't have any joint children. Separate finances sounds very sensible to me.

I’m not saying don’t have separate accounts if they choose, but 8 years of being partners is a proper commitment. If they can’t work out a joint account now for some stuff they love to do like holidays and going out etc, what does the future hold?

Its sad the Op is missing out on holidays and also sad she’s not suggesting ways to make them happen more often, without feeling guilty.
Surely it’s ok not to have equal everything?

But she CAN’T go on this holiday! She’s working and has childcare.

It's okay not to be equal but their set-up is that they're equal. The house is bought 50/50 with them each paying 50% of costs, that's the problem.

So many people think he should pay more of the housing costs even though he only owns half the house.

I do think the situation is sad but I don't think it's solely down to the DP's behaviour.

Its just crazily dangerous to share house ownership this way. It looks businesslike but its not. OP (and her children) only get out the value of half the asset, and only when it is sold. Lots of things can prevent the asset from appreciating—such as one or the other partner refusing to maintain the asset, or making it difficult to sell, irrespective of forcing the sale st a time that us disadvantageous to one. Death if the partner throws the partner’s half to his heirs rather than OP.

Its an extremely stupid and risky investment. OP would have done better financially buying her own place and not merging households, or buying and letting out a place and living with her DP as a lodger and not assuming any costs associated with his house.

I wouldn’t live with someone who wouldn’t rusk marriage to me—snd sho took no thought to my financial wellbeing and future but I know a lot of mumsnetters wouldn’t go for a remarriage. Still—if that is OP’s choice therevis no reason to pretend to merge households by sharing the major asset. Its s recipe fordisaster whether the relationship lasts until death or ends in dissolution short if that. OP will not get security out of this arrangement and she will not reap the full benefits that sole ownership would have produced.

OP has been quite clear that she wants to pay for half of housing costs, including reno, and views this as protection. She's correct. Their issue is what gets done with DPs extra income after living costs.

They are not married
They do not share DCs
His DC is being cared for and attends school
She has to care for her DC and they have to attend school
She HAS TO WORK and could not take the time off anyway

They share a house 50/50. That is all. Nothing more than that.
If he wants to go on holiday with his family in low season, he can.

It seems that the issue is that sometimes you're acting like full partners who are "all in" but in others ways like a more casual boyfriend / girlfriend arrangement. Splitting finances 50/50 when your income isn't is flatmate behaviour, not spouse behaviour, which is fine but you seem to want spouse behavior from him in other ways.

But she's also clear that his income wouldn't cover her going on this particular holiday anyway (not to mention that she wouldn't want to go without her kids and can't get time off in the first place).

I do think that their leftover income could be split more proportionally overall, though.

Well I think the opposite. I think it's pretty goddamn selfish to swan off on a fancy holiday and not take your partner, who can't afford it, but you can!!

Whose house is it @Jajagabour ?

OFGS@mainecooncatonahottinroof

If he is away for three weeks and she is managing the repairs she us putting way more into the house than he is and getting less out. If she were maintaining her own house snd he swanned off he’d have to arrange for someone to come get the hearing fixed. He’s getting a shed liad if wife eirk from OP without any wife protection.

OFFS @BlackStrayCat !!

I think that's a bit of a stretch. It's not his fault the heating went while he was away, and OP has said she's spoken to him about it as it's expensive (so presumably he'll be paying his half, as agreed).

Of course the remaining adult sorts out any emergencies that occur

And if he was away from his own, he'd likely have no idea his heating was broken in his absence...surely?

I think in this instance it is OK for your DH to be going away with his parents, given that they are getting old and maybe future opportunities may be limited. Although I don't see that he needs to go for 3 weeks. Presumably that means he will have less annual leave to spend with you and the children? Ten days perhaps would be OK (seems a long way to go for a week).

I think that long term you and he need to look at how your finances work, if you are a partnership. I don't think it's fair just because one person's career pays better the other's that they should have so much more discretionary spending money. As long as you are working as hard as each other, both inside the house and out, then this shouldn't matter.

I can see it's hard when you are both coming from a previous relationship with children involved, but you should never be in a position where one person in a partnership can afford exotic holidays and the other person can't. I only consider it OK for him to make this trip because of the situation with his parents and also because you and the children would be unable to go away yourselves at this time.

And even if it does seem reasonable for him to spend time with his parents, you are still very reasonable to be feeling miffed that he is away somewhere lovely whilst you are at home in the cold with all the chores on you.

Christ - he really wants to have his cake and eat it, doesn't he?!!

He's on the dream holiday and he still manages to accuse you of ruining it by not being 'happy enough' for him?!! Fuck THAT!

He sounds like more than a bit of a man baby.

Also, why are renovations only costing you? He has been living there for 8 years and his kids also use it as a second home but you're the one paying out for everything? Just not fair, IMO. If you live there, you contribute to upkeep.

Part of the reason he can swan off on dream holidays is that he's not contributing sufficiently.

No way would I earn so much more than DP and leave him behind like that unless it was extreme circumstances or he didn't want to go.

This doesn't sound like a great partnership.

Also, why are renovations only costing you? He has been living there for 8 years and his kids also use it as a second home but you're the one paying out for everything? Just not fair, IMO. If you live there, you contribute to upkeep.

They split everything 50/50. She's said so multiple times.

This is an important point for me too. I couldn't personally live like that, defo more housemates than partners.

My DH has started taking his elderly parents away for an annual trip. It’s not Hawaii though and only for a week.

We sometimes do separate holidays, he’s taken each of our children on some amazing holidays, not because they wanted to leave me out, it’s a financial decision, two ppl traveling long haul is much cheaper than four. Plus I support my elderly Dad so I usually visit him with the other child while they’re away.

Anyway, I do understand the twinge of envy when they share photos of amazing places while you’re dealing with bad weather and the CH. 💐

It doesn't exactly sound like this guy goes short on holidays generally and to be honest if you've been together years I think it's a bit of a selfish prick thing to do if money is tight generally - the fact you live together for me makes it that way

I think you maybe don’t agree on the commitment between you. Ok so you are a blended family - but what does that mean? Financially it doesn’t sound like you are a team to be honest. Is marriage on the cards? It sounds a bit like you’re half together but not really both committed with both feet. I would have a big think and a big chat. You’re either together or you’re not - I’d want ‘all in’ and a set level of financial tied togetherness in my family to be honest. I wouldn’t be happy if my ‘partner’ did these things without me, when I had made it clear I wasn’t happy about it. If you don’t mind that’s another thing but it’s shit of him when you feel it’s not fair and you’re within your rights to decide what you want your team to look and feel like. Just because you’re a blended family doesn’t mean you have to have a half partner. You’re all one family unit imo.