DP gone on holiday

[Jajagabour]

Trying to figure out if I'm being unreasonable.

Long story short - blended family situation. Living together 8 years. DCs from both me and him. 50/50 childcare split with other parents.

Financially big difference, I earn a 3rd of what he does. House has gone through lots of renovations which still not finished and has cost me a fortune.

DP loves travelling, doing nice things etc. As do I but money is a barrier. I also like to pay my way and not ask for financial support.

He's been away a lot over the years with his parents and siblings - it's their thing. We went on holiday last year with his fam and all DC.

Then his parents and siblings decided to plan a holiday for start of Jan to Hawaii. He wanted to go - but DC couldn't because of school and neither me because of work and obviously DC. I felt really annoyed about this, more so because I would love to go to Hawaii, dream holiday, but I'd want to go with DC and finance limited.

He booked anyway and said it's because his parents getting old and he was to take opportunities to make memories, reconnect etc.

I just feel so miffed by it all. He was also sending me messages telling me he was having a terrible time because I was making him feel guilty. I've bit my lip and sent nice messages to him so I don't ruin his trip. It's also been freezing here and our CH packed up.

Am I being a nob? I don't usually care, he's done trips before but this time I'm upset and annoyed. I guess it's because I'm really struggling with money atm. Plus I'm not going to be happy if he sends pics of himself and his fam on the beach when it's so miserable here!

You can make “memories” with your ageing parents almost anywhere in the world. Doesn’t have to be Hawaii, could be Haverfordwest, Hartlepool, Hendon. OK , they won’t be the same “memories” but they will still be memories .

But OP wasn't available to go on this holiday. Even if he'd have offered to pay she'd have said no, because of work and her child/children. Sure, he can pay for a future holiday, but them going together on this specific holiday with his parents wasn't an option.

DP is going abroad for a wedding soon. He could have gone for 4 days and just gone the wedding, but I've encouraged him to go for longer and have a rest/travel. We have small children and he works really bloody hard. I don't resent him at all, he would also reciprocate for me if I had the opportunity.

But his parents wanted to go to Hawaii, with their son. Should they also forgo an amazing trip because OP couldn't go?

Very!

Ooh I'd find this one difficult to swallow and understand why you are cross. I cant imagine doing this to my DH? Maybe a small trip away but bloody Hawaii? I'd be rethinking the whole relationship if I'm honest.

Apparently there are siblings, so he could have said “sorry, no can do this time, enjoy the holiday with the siblings, see you all when you get home.”

Well, sure, but to what benefit? So OP feels better about missing a holiday she wouldn't have been able to go on anyway?

You seem to begrudge your DP for going on a holiday which you can’t go on anyway. What should he do? Refuse to go on this holiday to make you feel better?

No. He should refuse to go on this holiday because he would feel selfish and unable to enjoy himself if at least the OP wasn’t there to enjoy it with him, rather than jetting off to a destination that he knows the OP would love to go to, but couldn’t afford it even if the DC weren’t in school and wouldn’t be upset at her buggering off for three weeks, because she’d spent all her own money on house renovations just so she can maintain 50% ownership. Longest sentence ever, but it’s not exactly a partnership, is it?

The fact that the above hasn’t occurred to him is probably what is making the OP rather sad.

No. He should refuse to go on this holiday because he would feel selfish and unable to enjoy himself if at least the OP wasn’t there to enjoy it with him

Why shouldn't he be able to go away and enjoy himself with his parents and siblings, though?

Yes, I get OP would love to go to Hawaii (and who can blame her!) but she can't afford it and he can't afford to pay for her, so to me, it makes no sense that he has to stay at home too.

Perhaps the Op and her partner could have afforded to go to Hawai for a shorter stay. Three weeks is a long time.
Eight days in Hawai would be nice enough.

To the benefit of his family unit, so they actually feel like a family unit? So they can start saving for all of them to go together in the future? So that if, God forbid he loses his job in the future and can only afford a long weekend camping in the most basic campsite, the OP doesn’t tell him to enjoy himself because she’s had a promotion and will be taking her DC off for three weeks in an exotic location he’s always wanted to go to.

She's said upthread she couldn't afford it and wouldn't go away without her kids.

You can be a family unit and do things separately, though.

And honestly, if OP wanted to do that in the future, I'd say bloody good for her!

She couldn't afford three weeks.
Did they discuss a shorter stay?

And that’s why it’s such a divisive scenario. Because you’ll have one group of posters who think that’s perfectly reasonable and another who’ll think it’s unbelievably selfish and damaging to the relationship.

She's left the thread so we'll probably never know, lol.

You're not wrong.

I was raised with my parents going on separate holidays though, so to me it's totally normal for couples to do that. I would sometimes just go away with my dad, sometimes with just my mum, sometimes altogether, and sometimes they'd go just the two of them. Sometimes, mum would go alone or dad would go alone as well.

I think the dynamics of OP's relationship outside of this are the issue, tbh.

Absolutely. Different hobbies. Different friendship groups. Different interests etc.

Long haul holidays to dream destinations doesn’t fall within that category for everyone though. And if the OP did that in future, I’d also say bloody good for her right now. But if her DP had turned down the trip, I’d say she was being just as selfish as I think the DP is being.

Time to look at the house and if you could live alone with your children cheaper.

What is the breakdown of housework?

If you are doing even 1% more, then you are being used by him as a houseshare/ skivvy.

OP has already said that not only could he not afford to pay for everyone, but she would not leave her children behind (who are at school). So basically, his parents have booked a holiday, for them to go at the time they wanted. The OP believes that her partner should not have gone to spend time with his parents, because the OP decided that everyone in the family should go, despite not being able to afford it, being able to have time off work and the children being at school. If you read just the OP's posts, all of this becomes clear. Her partner has done nothing wrong. With regard to the property - she owns 50% and if they split wants 50%. Therefore she HAS to pay 50% towards its maintenance. That is what she agreed to.

Doesn’t sound like he truly sees you as an equal partner. However , if your relationship is based on totally separate finances then he doesn’t need your permission.

His own children must be gutted though - they are missing out on a holiday either their dad and wider family .

I think for me, it would be selfish if he was off with his mates for three weeks - but a holiday with your parents and siblings doesn't quite fall into the same category.

I have family overseas myself and have gone to visit them without DH. While he would have loved to come, the costs were way out of reach and he also (like OP) wouldn't be able to take the time off anyway. I would have been thoroughly unimpressed to be told I wasn't allowed to go.

@viques

i don’t think the parents should be deprived of the trip with their son just because their sons girlfriend can’t make it also.

You have FOMO. It’s not his fault you can’t afford to go. You are being a bit of a nob if you can’t put your jealousy to one side and be nice over text. He knows how you feel; you don’t need to reiterate it.