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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS, DSS and the dog

156 replies

RemyT · 11/01/2025 11:43

DP moved in with me and my DS13 last year. He has DSS13 who stays every weekend and all school holidays (6 weeks in the summer etc).

DP brought his dog with him, which is technically DSS' but he didn't walk, feed or play with her.

DS has always wanted a dog so was over the moon when she arrived.

DS was walking the dog every day, playing with her and sometimes feeding her. DP was happy with this as he's historically done it every day and quite enjoyed the break. After a few months of this, the dog became quite attached to DS and wouldn't really pay much attention to DSS. This made DSS unhappy as she's 'his' dog, so DP suggested DS back off slightly and DSS walked her etc. This lasted about 3 weeks, then DSS had enough and stopped doing anything so DS started helping again.

Fast forward to now, the dog is again quite attached to DS and DSS has had a meltdown and said to DP that DS is no longer allowed to walk her etc.

DP is at work today but has suggested we have a chat about the situation later. Do people agree DS shouldn't walk and play with her at all as it's upsetting DSS?

OP posts:
TeenToTwenties · 11/01/2025 11:45

No.
DSS is being a dog in the manger. He doesn't want to put the work in, but is upset by the consequences of that.
He's had his chance.

Hoppinggreen · 11/01/2025 11:45

I think DSS needs to grow the fuck up frankly.
I appreciate he is 13 and 13 year old may not be the most rational beings but the dog will obviously gravitate to whoever looks after it. DSS should actually be grateful that someone is looking after HIS dog when he can't/won't.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 11/01/2025 11:46

No of course not. It is unworkable to be the main owner of a pet and not live in the same house. So either DSS needs to live at your house or DSS needs to accept they are not the main owner. Good life lesson about taking responsibility for the pet which they don't seem to have been doing either.

DazedLion · 11/01/2025 11:48

Your partner is being awful to your son. Kick him out & buy your son a dog **

YampyYamYam · 11/01/2025 11:48

Who does DSS think should be walking the dog then? Is he offering to do it every day?

Thought not....

TallNeckedGiraffe · 11/01/2025 11:51

Why did either of you think it was a bright idea to ‘blend’ 2 13 year old boys?

VickyEadieofThigh · 11/01/2025 11:53

The chat should be that DSS is completely unreasonable to object to DS walking, etc the dog. Explain clearly to him that the dog is more atta he'd to DS precisely because DS is doing all the walking and interaction with the dog.

He should be told to pull his weight or STFU and that he is NOT going to determine who cares for the dog when he is not there.

Original poster
RemyT · 11/01/2025 11:53

@TallNeckedGiraffe Me and DP have been together since they were 5 and they get on very well usually.

OP posts:
Onlycoffee · 11/01/2025 11:53

Can they both walk and play with her, take it in turns? Then dss might not get fed up of doing it.

But I don't think your ds should be stopped altogether, especially as the dog seems to appreciate him.

How does the dog react to dss when dss actually walks and plays with her?

Dogs have different relationships with everyone in the house, they have their own preferences and personalities!

Turbo4 · 11/01/2025 11:53

It’s not fair on your son, he has grown attached to the dog and dog as him he can’t keep being told yes you can walk it and then no because it upsets stepson. Stepson has been given the chance to be responsible for the dog and he failed.

Either your partner steps up and parents his son and tells him that your son will also be caring for the dog as he doesn’t or they move out. May sound extreme but it’s your son’s home and he should have his feelings taken in to account.

Original poster
RemyT · 11/01/2025 11:58

@Onlycoffee So she doesn't ignore DSS when he's here, but she'll curl up by DS' feet to sleep and he'll be the first person she greets when we walk through the door etc.

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 11/01/2025 11:58

DS sounds like he's 3 not 13. Explain to him, even though he shouldn't need it, that the dog prefers whoever does the dog related stuff and he couldn't be bothered.

TomatoSandwiches · 11/01/2025 12:00

I think your DP needs to move out and you both live separately until the boys are adults and living independently and think about getting your DS his own dog.

Hankunamatata · 11/01/2025 12:01

Urgh. The dog needs walked. If dss isn't going to do it the no reason ds can't do it. If I was his dp I'd say right ds you walk dog when your here and dss walks dog when your not here

UnhappyAndYouKnowIt · 11/01/2025 12:01

Jealousy isn't something that should be pandered to. Your son has put the work in and earned his relationship with the dog. Your stepson hasn't been able to sustain that.

Dogs need consistency and aren't objects that you can pick up and put down as you fancy. If your son is reliably walking him, then he should carry on.

However, if your stepson wants to improve his relationship with the dog, he could join in on walks or dedicate some time to games or some clicker training.

In short, don't take away something that is going well. Add something new and different to enhance the relationship.

Gemmawemma9 · 11/01/2025 12:03

You step son needs to be told straight that his behaviour is pathetic. He’s 13, not three. Your husband needs tell him to grow up. He sounds lazy and spoilt. Have your sons back over this, or he will become resentful.

devilspawn · 11/01/2025 12:07

DazedLion · 11/01/2025 11:48

Your partner is being awful to your son. Kick him out & buy your son a dog **

Eh? What has the partner done that's awful?

Festivecheer26 · 11/01/2025 12:07

Agree with @UnhappyAndYouKnowIt. Find something that is DSS’s “thing” with the dog that no one else does, DS can also have something that’s “his”. They should both be involved in walking, feeding etc. as these are non-negotiable - if your DS does more of then so be it, the dog’s needs have to be met.

”My” dog (in the sense I paid for her) has been obsessed with my husband since the day they met. So I take her to an agility class once a week and for a few hours we have a nice time together, and then she goes back to ignoring me as soon as we get home!

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 11/01/2025 12:08

@RemyT send the dog back with dss and tell him dog is not to return because ds is getting his own dog and they will fight! dp had a cheek bringing dss's dog to your house anyway! dss can look after his own dog at his mothers house and walk it to his hearts content!

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 11/01/2025 12:08

It needs explaining to DSS as consequence. Dog becomes most attached to whoever looks after it.

If DSS doesn't walk it etc it still needs doing. DSS does not get a say in who does it if he doesn't do it himself. DSS gets first dibs on dog care responsibilities but if he doesn't do them then anyone else can. If that means dog gets attached to your DS that's DSS own fault for not taking care of his responsibilities.

Bellyblueboy · 11/01/2025 12:09

I can see how it is difficult for the boy to have a dog that is supposed to be his but that in fact spends most of its time with another child. That’s the same as his dad. It’s his dad but another boy spends much more time with him and that sucks.

BUT the boy needs to accept that the dog is happy - your son is giving it much more attention than he a)physically can because he isn’t there and (more importantly b) wants to.

The dog is an animal - it will respond to whoever is kindest to him. That’s your son.

but is suspect this isn’t really about the dog. He is worried he has been replaced by your son. His dad needs to reassure him, spend more time with him.

blended families re really rough for the kids. The adults prioritize their adult relationships over the emotional wellbeing of the children.

kiraric · 11/01/2025 12:10

Do you think it's really about the dog?

I wonder if it's more about having an active reminder every time he visits that your DS lives with his dad and he doesn't.

pikkumyy77 · 11/01/2025 12:12

kiraric · 11/01/2025 12:10

Do you think it's really about the dog?

I wonder if it's more about having an active reminder every time he visits that your DS lives with his dad and he doesn't.

Very good! Nail on the head!

DUsername · 11/01/2025 12:12

Hang on though. If DSS is only there weekends and holidays his opportunity to bond with the dog is less anyway - he literally can't walk the dog every day.

I think I'd be finding a compromise. DSS to take full responsibility for the dog when he's there. DS to take turns with his step dad the rest of the time. If DSS won't do that he doesn't get to dictate what happens with the dog when he's not there.

It's not fair to punish poor ds by not allowing him to walk the dog but I do think it needs to be acknowledged that it must be hard for DSS that DS gets more time with both his dad and his dog

Original poster
RemyT · 11/01/2025 12:13

@kiraric That has crossed my mind. He's here every weekend, in the week 2 nights for the evening and all school holidays. DP does a lot with him one on one. He has his own room which he picked everything for. We've tried hard to make sure he doesn't feel left out but maybe it's not worked as well as we were hoping 🙁

OP posts: