DS, DSS and the dog

[RemyT]

DP moved in with me and my DS13 last year. He has DSS13 who stays every weekend and all school holidays (6 weeks in the summer etc).

DP brought his dog with him, which is technically DSS' but he didn't walk, feed or play with her.

DS has always wanted a dog so was over the moon when she arrived.

DS was walking the dog every day, playing with her and sometimes feeding her. DP was happy with this as he's historically done it every day and quite enjoyed the break. After a few months of this, the dog became quite attached to DS and wouldn't really pay much attention to DSS. This made DSS unhappy as she's 'his' dog, so DP suggested DS back off slightly and DSS walked her etc. This lasted about 3 weeks, then DSS had enough and stopped doing anything so DS started helping again.

Fast forward to now, the dog is again quite attached to DS and DSS has had a meltdown and said to DP that DS is no longer allowed to walk her etc.

DP is at work today but has suggested we have a chat about the situation later. Do people agree DS shouldn't walk and play with her at all as it's upsetting DSS?

IMO having a family pet is akin to having a long-term small child in the family, as in the needs of the pet come first (once the kids are old enough to understand that, obviously).

The kids are 13, not 3. DSS is just being a bit of a salty shit because he's seeing 'his' dog being attached to someone else.

He needs to grow up and realise that pets do get attached to the whole family, especially when treated well.

I wouldn't be telling DS to back off the dog for a second time. DSS has shown repeatedly that he quickly tires of the dog and can't be arsed with walks etc so it's time to learn that his actions have consequences.

Your DS shouldn't be punished for stepping up and doing the right thing.

It's also not fair on the dog to have humans keep blowing hot and cold like that.

DSS's mum doesn't want the dog at hers - I imagine because he doesn't walk or feed her when he's at ours which would mean she'd end up doing it herself every day.

@Florence19791 DSS hasn't expressed a wish to move in - I think he prefers being here because he doesn't have to share a room, where he does at his Mum's house. That being said, he'd always be welcome if he did want to!

DSS needs to put the work in if he wants the dog to like him 🤷🏻‍♀️

That poor bloody dog: it needs consistency, both in play and walks.

Very tricky but at the end of the day ds has paid more attention to ddog and has been rewarded accordingly

very unfair for DS to have his relationship with the dog jeopardised, IMO

is it best to try and agree that ddog now belongs to the new family and there should be joint responsibility going forward? (Accept that puts OP in an awkward position)

Sounds like the dog has voted - you might “own” the dog but that doesn’t necessarily make them your dog

Why can't they just share responsibility for the dog walking? Then the dog will love them both.

@loveawineloveacrisp They can! The last time we tried that DSS stopped helping after a few weeks.

Your dh is being unfair to your ds. I'd say they share the dog and the responsibility. So when dss is there he does it and when he's not ds does but it's dss last chance to step up . If he stops bothering it's on him.

that's been tried. Doing it again is not fair on the dog.

Suggest to dss he gets a paper round and pays for a dog walker.

Sorted.

More than fair on the dog. It will get walked properly and not get dropped by someone it gave it's heart to.

Exactly. Rehome it

I recognize the SS is having turbulent emotions about his dad moving in with you and your son and basically making a new family, but your partner is going to have to explain his wish that your son not take care of the dog is not a reasonable request. The dog needs care to live and thrive and your partner has gotten lazy in that aspect and your son is doing the work.

I feel bad for SS. The dog is a standin for his dad. He's afraid with the big changes that his dad has made in his life, that his dad's bond with him will lessen while his bond with your son grows. He's also coming into a time where his emotions are going to be very intense. There's going to be anger and resentment and hurt there.

Your partner's going to have to put in the work with his son. He's going to have to listen and maybe be okay with being uncomfortable with some truths his son might tell him.

@RemyT I obtained a Whippet for myself {I already had a rescued Lurcher}

However..... from literally the DAY that the Whippet arrived, he bonded to my son. {aged 11 at the time}

I literally didn't get a look in.

I was a bit ''hmm'' but decided to 'sell' the Whippet to son for a token amount {£1} to make him ''his''.
I'm so glad I did.

Son used to do a lot of the work with the Whippet, we'd go on long walks together , and of course, I paid the routine vet fees for wormers & any treatments needed.

One cannot choose whom a dog likes- sounds like your son is a much better owner for the dog, and the dog senses this.

Nope, dogs are simple creatures, pu in the effort and they will love you. DSS needs to step up. It would be so mean to your DS to make him live with the dog and basically ignore the dog.

He walks it when he's at your house and your son when he's not ,or am I missing something?

Let your son keep the dog.

My friend has a dog, her 'personal' dog, and her daughter pesters for a dog of her own, but friend won't give in, as her daughter hates walking and dealing with poo.
If a child is to have a dog, they need to care for it.

It's not a toy.

Your partner is being absolutely fucking ridiculous, as is his son.

Any chance you can get rid of them both and keep the dog?

its the 3 months I think is unfair. why should the dog have to suffer 3 more months of poor care?

@IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine I love the dog, she's hilarious! I'd keep her in a heartbeat.

Then he's old enough to be told - as nicely as possible - that he can't have it both ways. The dog is not a toy that he can pick up and put down when he feels like it. You make a commitment to look after them - and if you don't want to do it then you don't have a dog.

As PP have said, there is a valuable life lesson here - and trying to avoid it because it upsets him will do no favours for anyone, least of all him.

Then he has plenty of opportunity to do stuff with the dog.

IF he wants to, clearly he doesn’t want to.

Your DP needs to stop being an idiot. DSS has found that 1. if you ignore and dont look after an animal, they will bond with someone who does. And 2. sometimes, animals just decide that someone will be 'their' person and that is it. It might be upsetting. but its life.