DS, DSS and the dog

[RemyT]

DP moved in with me and my DS13 last year. He has DSS13 who stays every weekend and all school holidays (6 weeks in the summer etc).

DP brought his dog with him, which is technically DSS' but he didn't walk, feed or play with her.

DS has always wanted a dog so was over the moon when she arrived.

DS was walking the dog every day, playing with her and sometimes feeding her. DP was happy with this as he's historically done it every day and quite enjoyed the break. After a few months of this, the dog became quite attached to DS and wouldn't really pay much attention to DSS. This made DSS unhappy as she's 'his' dog, so DP suggested DS back off slightly and DSS walked her etc. This lasted about 3 weeks, then DSS had enough and stopped doing anything so DS started helping again.

Fast forward to now, the dog is again quite attached to DS and DSS has had a meltdown and said to DP that DS is no longer allowed to walk her etc.

DP is at work today but has suggested we have a chat about the situation later. Do people agree DS shouldn't walk and play with her at all as it's upsetting DSS?

The boy who looks after the dog properly gets to have the dog’s allegiance. Your DP needs to be clear about this with his son. His son has not taken responsibility for a dependent animal. He needs to learn that there are consequences.

Does your son go to his dad, or is he always there when your partner’s son visits?

Might be the time to say that now the boys are older and the dog is living in your household full time (and DSS isn't) it needs to be seen as the family/household's dog.

Said dog needs feeding, walking and playing with and you'd like the boys to do that as much as they can to help you and DP with the work load. Objections will come from DSS I'm sure, but as many PPs have said, this is a lesson in responsibility and consequences of effort and reward.

@Bellyblueboy My son goes to his Dad's every other weekend, once in the week and some of the school holidays so DSS is often here when DS isn't.

Have him go for walks with his dad and the dog. Then leave the dog behind as “too much bother” and have him just do things with his dad.

It sounds like you're doing the right things but the fact is that it is hard to see another child your age living with your parent when you aren't

I wonder if the answer isn't more in the space of just vocalising and acknowledging those feelings. For you/your DP to say that you recognise and understand that it's hard and your DP misses him when he isn't there and will always love him very much

No dss needs to start taking care of his pet. Suggest a rota for walking. If dss can't stick to his part then he needs to accept that the dog will gravitate towards the person who looks after him.

What’s there to discuss? He doesn’t even look after the dog when he’s there, he’s in no position to complain about DS making the effort and the dog responding positively to that.

DP needs to stop being precious and be grateful your DS is the one putting in the time and effort. It’s his job to tell his son to knock off complaining.

this is such a balanced reply to a totally unhelpful message. youre a better woman than me.m
I think your DP needs to take the lead in helping DSS to understand that he can’t have his pup and walk it too. Is there any historical reason, thinking in a benefit of the doubt way, the dog cant be with him at his other parent’s and he might have been a bit hard done by in maintaining that relationship in the past?

I feel sorry for both boys, and the dog.

It probably isn't just about the dog but the way your DSS looks at it your son has his dog and his dad.

DSS needs it clearly explained to him that dogs have needs, like walking and food and will naturally bond with who provides for her. Suggest that your dss has a hobby with dog and dad, (mantrailing would he excellent for something that doesn't require a regular commitment and all dogs can do it) to strengthen their relationships. even 10 mins of trick training a day could help to strengthen his bond with the dog.

Doggy has no concept of who owns her, and best your son provides than no one.

When I got my dog I took suddenly very unwell and DH was left to do everything. I provided cuddles, treats, and a couple of short trick training sessions a day that didn't require much mobility on my behalf. He's currently sleeping on my lap even though my husband walked him in the pissing rain this morning.

Maybe if you say ddogs breed someone can recommend specific bonding activities for them both. If he can't be bothered then he just needs to lump it.

You really can't force the issue with dogs, it isn't possible to persuade them that they should prefer a particular family member. It may be hard on your stepson, but telling your son to step back from the dog isn't the answer. The priority should be the dog, she has no choice about any of this. The kids are old enough to understand the situation but the dog really can't, she just wants a happy life.

When you look at it from a 13 year olds point of view, as @kiraric did, I think we can see that ghe solution has to be creative. Because the dss can never get back the relationship he craves from the dog—unconditional love and loyalty—as he is simply not there enough. Inevitably the amount of work he puts in with the dog vanishes or is swallowed up by the daily attentions of your ds. This must feel so disheartening to a 13 year old. He probably starts out with high hopes then ends up feeling like he is polishing another man’s car, or raising another mans child (!)

I think you need to have one cognitive level talk about the dog’s daily needs and its independent identity as a sentient being. I also like the suggestion upthread that he be scheduled for special dog training activities—the fun bonding stuff not just the walks.

But at a deeper level, an almost physical and body level, I would just bypass all of that snd focus on his relationship with his father and his new brother. Set aside time for adventures and activities the two boys can do. Set aside time your dh and his son can do special things. Take the focus off the dog (divisive) and create team building activities that create more security in all the relationships.

Let's say your son doesn't walk or play with the dog (upsetting for both of them, but let's just say for now).

Then the dog becomes attached more to your partner.

So what then, DSS says he's not allowed to walk or play with the dog either? And then same for you?
So who exactly is supposed to look after the dog?

DSS needs to know he can't control things.

The discussion should be that we don't "own" pets, they are a member of the family household and will choose who they communicate with and when just as everyone else does. He wouldn't tell you and your partner not to speak to each other, this is no different.

No. I think I'd put it to the boys that "the dog is a living creature with its own needs, personality etc and not a possession of anyone's. The good thing is the dog is capable of loving and being loved by many many people and isn't it great ours is adored by everyone". Also highlight the benefits of this..i.e it means as they get older and go out with friends more, go on holiday, or simply don't feel like it there will be others to step in who the dog feels comfortable with. Good luck

I would give dss chance to walk/feed and play with dog when he is here. If he doesnt then ds welcome too. And ds definitely allowed to walk dog when dss not there. Dog is part of the family and not fair on anyone to limit ds playing with dog.

Lots of reassurance to dss "of course dog loves you lots" etc

Does he bother to walk the dog on those days, when your DS isn't there? It sounds like probably not?

He's being a brat. If he genuinely looked after the dog when he was there, and was hurt that the dog preferred your son, I'd have sympathy - even though I still wouldn't think the right thing was to say "well he's not allowed to walk it!!"

I'd tell DSS to suck it up. Technically he is 13 and not her owner. DP owns her. If he doesn't put any work in with her, she won't bond with him and I wouldn't be depriving DS of a relationship that he has put so much effort into. Dogs love who they love. Doesn't matter whose they are. They want to be with people who want to be with them. DSS should have spent more time with her.

Your DSS needs help to understand that the dog has no concept of sharing or fairness. She only understand who feeds her, walks her and pays her attention. She is naturally going to want to spend time with the person that does this.

Dogs like consistency and routine. Your DSS has already shown that when he is there, he isn't prepared to invest the time to be consistent with looking after her.

Asking your DS to essentially ignore her is really unfair - she'll find it confusing why the person she trusts to look after her, is suddenly not doing so. The focus here needs to be on what's best for the dog - if DSS can't commit to genuinely looking after her then he's old enough to learn that his choice comes with consequences.

Dogs know who their main carer is, this is a DSS problem. You don't get the love from the dog if you don't put it in. They could walk the dog together? I don't think your son should give up any care if that's what he enjoys.

Your DP needs to talk to his son and reassure him that he is loved, but the dogs needs must come first. His son isn't stepping up to the plate in caring for his dog and his jealously is his own fault for neglecting the dog when he comes.

I agree with this and am very surprised at the tone of some of the responses. DSS can't do the work with the dog every day because he doesn't live with his dad for reasons that aren't in any way his fault. The adults around him generally, whoever's decision it was, should have realised that the dog is going to belong to the people it lives with. It's sad for DSS and difficult for your son too. They're both still very young at 13. DSS is learning a hard lesson here and deserves honesty ("no one can make the dog like you best, dogs bond with the people they live with") but also kindness and compassion and a space to express his disappointment that he doesn't actually really have the dog.

I agree with about feeling replaced, I think that's a really good point.

Bonding isn't always about living together - it's common but not an absolute. One of my dogs absolutely adores my Dad even though she's never lived with him and only sees him a couple of times a year. If I have her with me when I visit, I might as well not exist for the few days we stay there - she absolutely adores him, follows him everywhere, lays on his feet, will sleep on the end of his bed. But he makes a huge fuss of her and always has, and she clearly remembers her 5* treatment when she sees him!

Tell me your partner won’t pander to his idiotic son. 🤦🏻‍♀️

DSS needs to realise that nobody is owed loyalty, not even by a dog. They love whom they love.

Yes one of our family's dogs prefers my dad to her own (very excellent) humans. She is all about food and fuss and he is willing to give both in spades so she only has eyes for him when he visits and always tries to go home with him!

It is true however that most dogs bond best with the person who regularly feeds and walks them and this cannot be DSS because he isn't there. I do feel sorry for him. He must indeed feel replaced and quite likely the dog is a metaphor for his feelings about his dad too...