DS, DSS and the dog

[RemyT]

DP moved in with me and my DS13 last year. He has DSS13 who stays every weekend and all school holidays (6 weeks in the summer etc).

DP brought his dog with him, which is technically DSS' but he didn't walk, feed or play with her.

DS has always wanted a dog so was over the moon when she arrived.

DS was walking the dog every day, playing with her and sometimes feeding her. DP was happy with this as he's historically done it every day and quite enjoyed the break. After a few months of this, the dog became quite attached to DS and wouldn't really pay much attention to DSS. This made DSS unhappy as she's 'his' dog, so DP suggested DS back off slightly and DSS walked her etc. This lasted about 3 weeks, then DSS had enough and stopped doing anything so DS started helping again.

Fast forward to now, the dog is again quite attached to DS and DSS has had a meltdown and said to DP that DS is no longer allowed to walk her etc.

DP is at work today but has suggested we have a chat about the situation later. Do people agree DS shouldn't walk and play with her at all as it's upsetting DSS?

Dogs choose their people. Dss needs to grow up and/or step up.

I also find the responses very hard on a 14 year old boy who has lost his dog and his dad to another family through no fault of his own.

Yeah, I cannot resist making a massive fuss of dogs and they do tend to remember that about me I think. But mostly they tend to really adore the people who care for them on an everyday basis. Funnily enough this has reminded me as a kid of complaining to my mum that "my dog" didn't seem to love me the best (though she did love me) and my mum wearily saying "She loves the tin opener, Carter"

I’d guess there’s more to this than just the dog. Your son gets to see your step son’s dad every day and now his dog likes to spend time with your son too. However if he can’t be bothered with the dog then that’s on him.

Dp should parent his child and explain that a dog is a living thing and if you want it's attention you have to build a bond and a relationship.

He should tell him that it isn't fair on the dog that it should be pushed away from someone it trusts and sees as a care giver, play mate and provider because of his jealousy.

If he feels jealous that's natural, but he should channel that into creating his own bond and relationship, that the dogs heart is big enough to love two boys and dog would be delighted to have that.

Dog will not be delighted to have an important relationship reduced to satisfy his response to wanting what ds has got.... Tell him to get busy and create his own loving relationship.

This is a prime opportunity for some solid a grade parenting of important life lesson.

Build what you want.

Don't expect the world to bend out of its natural shape to make your unpleasant emotions go away.

Unpleasant emotions happen, are normal but how you respond to them makes a big difference to your life.

Other people (inc dogs) shouldn't suffer because you can't be arsed to invest effort into something and expect it to fall into your lap.

Parent the hell out of this moment and you'll help the dog and maybe avoid some sour feelings coming into the relationship of the two boys

Your ds earned that relationship.

Agree, he needs help to find his way through it.

Caring guidance in the right direction

The most important thing is that the dog is happy and cared for. Your DSS is being possessive and selfish.

Why can't the dog go with your DSS when he goes back to his mums? If it really was his dog, it would be with him all the time, otherwise it's DPs dog and DSS has been put in a very difficult situation.

If your DSS did the walks and so on when he was at the house, the dog would gravitate less obviously to your son. It really is that simple. He has “lost” the dog because he is lazy, it is no deeper than that.

I feel for both boys too. It’s a really tricky and delicate situation. This isn’t purely a natural consequences situation where a family pet favours the DC who puts in the work. The fact that your DSS is only there part time is going to be a significant factor. The reality is that even if your DSS does all the dog care when he is there and your DS does none, the dog might still have a stronger bond with your DS just because he is there more often or just because… it could be a random reason why he prefers your DS eg he fidgets less.

This isn’t a good opportunity to teach your DSS that he needs to take responsibility for his pet or the natural consequences are that the pet will prefer other people. There are too many other factors at play here that are out of his control (he only has his pet part time) and have complicated feelings associated with them, his step brother gets to spend more time with his dad and dog, and the dog loves him more…

What might help the dog form a stronger bond with your DSS and even things out is if he always feeds the dog when he is there and your DS doesn’t feed the dog but still takes him for walks. The hand that feeds them is often the favourite! Your DS will still get lots of dog love when your DSS isn’t there but it might tip the balance in DSS’s favour when he is there so they both get lots of attention from the dog.

A dog is incapable of lying. Therefore what the dog is 'saying' is the truth and that's what DSS needs to take on board.

Unfortunately the dog will pick its owner . We have 3DDogs I do everything for them . DDog 1 prefers the company of DD , DDog 2 prefers to be with me , DDog 3 prefers DD boyfriend.
Your DSS could do everything for the dog and it would still prefer your DS.

DSS is only interested in the dog when he thinks the dog likes DS more.

Dog likes DS more for very good reason.

Dog's well being has to come first here.

I'd tell DSS they have no one to blame but themselves for the situation and that DS will carry on looking after and playing with the dog as they have been doing.

That may be true, but you can't treat an animal poorly to save the feelings of a person.

ANd that's essentially what's being asked here.

DSS needs this explained firmly to him.

If that's the game dss wants to play then give it 3 months and if the dog is not adequately walked during that time rehome the dog

It's quite unfair for your DS to be told to "back off" from the dog when DSS is around. I think it's just one of those things that DSS is going to have to get over tbh.

It's an important lesson especially if they want a partner in life

I can imagine my parents response to that kind of argument. "Complain once more and I he dog will be rehomed to a family where nobody fights about him."

Agree - it's also an important reminder that what you get back is heavily impacted by how much you put in.

If he's not making any effort with the dog when he does see her, then it's no surprise that she prefers to spend time with someone who does give her time and attention.

The dog has made the decision. DSS is there often enough that the dog should still view him as his, but the dog has CHOSEN your DS. It's hurtful for your DSS, but it is what it is.

My eldest DS has been moved out for two years, 'his' dog still lives with us. Middle DS does the feeding etc but when eldest visits (usually weekly) it's very clear she's STILL his dog, she loses her absolute shit when he comes in. Middle DS & her have definitely a closer bond than before but that dog is eldests & that will never change.

I feel sad for DSS but your DH is being stupid.

I think that dogs should not be treated like toys. Its not fair to change their routine or insist that one child ignores them or "backs off" because another child wants it. Its a hard lesson for a child to learn especially with backstory but that's not the dog's fault. It sounds like DSS has never taken on the responsibilies of owning a dog because dad did it all and then was glad of the break and then when offered a second chance, he didn't keep up the dog's routine either. Because Iworked part time I did most of the care, training and so on for our dogs and mostly they loved both of us equally, but one girl thought my late DH was the bee's knees. Nothing to be done but accept it.

We've had a similar situation with one of our dogs being incredibly attached to one of our girls who was away at uni and now lives away permanently. I do probably 90% of feeding, vet trips, walks etc but it's my DP who gets first cuddles each day and DDog wants her to have her lead. All this goes out of the window when DDaughter comes home. Her girl is home and the house may as well be empty otherwise.
I realise this is the opposite of what's happening in your home,@RemyT , but if your DSS hasn't developed a relationship with the dog earlier in its life, it's not suddenly going to happen now as if by magic. It would help if your DSS fed and walked the dog when he's there, but I think it's unfair of your DP to tell your son to stay away from the dog. Unfair for the dog too, as they won't understand why their human is suddenly ignoring them and wonder what they've done wrong.

nope.not fair on the dog.

The fact DSS chooses to spend the entire 6 weeks there shows this is so much more than a dog. He clearly wants to stay at yours. Can this be looked in to more?