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Original poster

DS, DSS and the dog

156 replies

RemyT · 11/01/2025 11:43

DP moved in with me and my DS13 last year. He has DSS13 who stays every weekend and all school holidays (6 weeks in the summer etc).

DP brought his dog with him, which is technically DSS' but he didn't walk, feed or play with her.

DS has always wanted a dog so was over the moon when she arrived.

DS was walking the dog every day, playing with her and sometimes feeding her. DP was happy with this as he's historically done it every day and quite enjoyed the break. After a few months of this, the dog became quite attached to DS and wouldn't really pay much attention to DSS. This made DSS unhappy as she's 'his' dog, so DP suggested DS back off slightly and DSS walked her etc. This lasted about 3 weeks, then DSS had enough and stopped doing anything so DS started helping again.

Fast forward to now, the dog is again quite attached to DS and DSS has had a meltdown and said to DP that DS is no longer allowed to walk her etc.

DP is at work today but has suggested we have a chat about the situation later. Do people agree DS shouldn't walk and play with her at all as it's upsetting DSS?

OP posts:
JustSawJohnny · 11/01/2025 16:15

Crazycatlady79 · 11/01/2025 14:21

That poor bloody dog: it needs consistency, both in play and walks.

Exactly.

That's why OP needs to say no if DP requests DS to back off the dog again.

Someone needs to put the dog first and it sounds like DS is the most willing to do so.

outerspacepotato · 11/01/2025 16:20

Does your partner expect your son and his son to be friends and take some of the parenting load off? Is your son taking up any other tasks that were your partner's?

Pinkyhere · 11/01/2025 17:05

Think dss needs to be told (with kindness) that he's being daft.
I feel a bit sad for your son in all of this.

UnhappyAndYouKnowIt · 11/01/2025 19:31

My ex has 2 dogs and a cat. If I walk in his house, all 3 climb over each other to get to me first. They let me brush their teeth and trim their nails. I'm "good cop" to ex's "bad cop", so they look to him for direction and to me for comfort. The two dogs love my youngest daughter too, but the cat definitely loves me best.

Pets get different things from each member of the family.

Sherararara · 12/01/2025 07:51

You tell DSS to grow up and stop acting like a dick and move on.

SuzieQ300 · 12/01/2025 18:20

Basic lesson of actions and consequences. I'd simply say that it's not up to the adults to tell the dog who they favour, the dog has its own mind, walk and play with it and the dog will want to spend more time with you. Withholding affection so the dog will go to someone who can't be bothered with it seems unkind to poor Mutley.

Dutched · 12/01/2025 18:27

@RemyT surely the only reasonable question for the adults to answer is what is in the best interests of the dog in the context of it’s current living situation. This should not be dictated or influenced by a child’s temper tantrum.

GrannyNannyMagratandGreebo · 12/01/2025 18:29

YampyYamYam · 11/01/2025 11:48

Who does DSS think should be walking the dog then? Is he offering to do it every day?

Thought not....

Exactly.

(Fab name btw)

Bumpygritch · 12/01/2025 18:30

DS has done nothing wrong, in fact he’s show compassion and responsibility in caring for the dog. Whereas DSS has done the opposite and not maintained his responsibilities.

I think it would be kind to explain this, without blame, to DSS and give him another chance. It sounds as if one or other is always with you and sometimes both at once. I would explain the responsibilities for the dogs and agree what needs to be done - especially when they are both at home. I would also be very clear that anyone in the household can care for the dog, but DSS cannot stop others caring for or loving the dog. I would also make it very clear to DSS that he shares responsibility for the dog and the caring role is an necessity not an option.

OnceMoreWithAttitude · 12/01/2025 18:33

DP needs to tell his Ds that he needs to take responsibility for his dog and that dogs bond with the people who look after them! So the way forward is that he spends time with his dog!

CleaningAngel · 12/01/2025 18:34

DazedLion · 11/01/2025 11:48

Your partner is being awful to your son. Kick him out & buy your son a dog **

Absolutely yes!!

Blades2 · 12/01/2025 18:38

You keep on with your ds looking after the dog.
if DSS isn’t capable of the responsibility then sorry, this is living , breathing, animal, he hands over the reigns to your DS, and if he refuses, you and your DP do it for him.

godmum56 · 12/01/2025 18:46

Bumpygritch · 12/01/2025 18:30

DS has done nothing wrong, in fact he’s show compassion and responsibility in caring for the dog. Whereas DSS has done the opposite and not maintained his responsibilities.

I think it would be kind to explain this, without blame, to DSS and give him another chance. It sounds as if one or other is always with you and sometimes both at once. I would explain the responsibilities for the dogs and agree what needs to be done - especially when they are both at home. I would also be very clear that anyone in the household can care for the dog, but DSS cannot stop others caring for or loving the dog. I would also make it very clear to DSS that he shares responsibility for the dog and the caring role is an necessity not an option.

its not "dogs" its "dog" and another chance to be ignored is not fair on the dog also its not fair on the DS to stop him doing something he enjoys to "see" if the DSS will step up.

Blueblell · 12/01/2025 19:11

Bit of a no win situation. On the one hand DSS can’t be with the dog full time out of no fault of his own, but also doesn’t seem to put the effort in when is in the same house as the dog. The dog will gravitate to the person who gives the most day to day care. It seems unfair on both boys either way. Unfair to ask your son to step back and DSS isn’t really in a position whether he wants to or not - to be the one to give the day to day care. I think you have to have a big conversation with DSS to make him feel better about the inevitability of the situation or get rid of the dog. Or possibly get a dog for your DS but that probably won’t solve the problem.

Buffs · 12/01/2025 19:29

DSS should pay DS to walk his dog

OhcantthInkofaname · 12/01/2025 19:35

Get your son his own dear dog!

MissRoseDurward · 12/01/2025 19:42

Get your son his own dear dog!

Then who will be looking after the first dog?

Jumpers4goalposts · 12/01/2025 20:29

Scrap DSS and keep the dog. DP and DSS are being unreasonable about DS and the dog. DSS needs to learn that there are consequences to not pulling your weight with animal chores.

Sometimesright · 12/01/2025 21:35

RemyT · 11/01/2025 11:43

DP moved in with me and my DS13 last year. He has DSS13 who stays every weekend and all school holidays (6 weeks in the summer etc).

DP brought his dog with him, which is technically DSS' but he didn't walk, feed or play with her.

DS has always wanted a dog so was over the moon when she arrived.

DS was walking the dog every day, playing with her and sometimes feeding her. DP was happy with this as he's historically done it every day and quite enjoyed the break. After a few months of this, the dog became quite attached to DS and wouldn't really pay much attention to DSS. This made DSS unhappy as she's 'his' dog, so DP suggested DS back off slightly and DSS walked her etc. This lasted about 3 weeks, then DSS had enough and stopped doing anything so DS started helping again.

Fast forward to now, the dog is again quite attached to DS and DSS has had a meltdown and said to DP that DS is no longer allowed to walk her etc.

DP is at work today but has suggested we have a chat about the situation later. Do people agree DS shouldn't walk and play with her at all as it's upsetting DSS?

No dss should be told that it’s now the family dog and he is welcome to play with the dog when he is at yours.

godmum56 · 12/01/2025 22:31

Blueblell · 12/01/2025 19:11

Bit of a no win situation. On the one hand DSS can’t be with the dog full time out of no fault of his own, but also doesn’t seem to put the effort in when is in the same house as the dog. The dog will gravitate to the person who gives the most day to day care. It seems unfair on both boys either way. Unfair to ask your son to step back and DSS isn’t really in a position whether he wants to or not - to be the one to give the day to day care. I think you have to have a big conversation with DSS to make him feel better about the inevitability of the situation or get rid of the dog. Or possibly get a dog for your DS but that probably won’t solve the problem.

Except he (DSS) never has......his dad used to do it and was glad when DS took over. Then he, DS was asked to pull back and did so and DSS STILL didn't step up.

circusmonkey65 · 12/01/2025 22:41

TomatoSandwiches · 11/01/2025 12:00

I think your DP needs to move out and you both live separately until the boys are adults and living independently and think about getting your DS his own dog.

MN really hates blended families doesn't it.

The op said they've been together since the children were 5 and that they all get along. If it's an otherwise happy relationship, why would you throw it away over some stroppy, childish behaviour from a kid who can't be arsed to look after his own dog? Surely the sensible suggestion would be to educate the child.

I hate the instant suggestion that any sort of issue within a blended family means they should just split up. And I'm not talking about new boyfriends of 2 months moving in and bringing their 5 kids with them and expecting everyone to just immediately get along. I'm talking about people who have been together years who are as much a valid and loving family as your archetypal 'proper' family.

pollymere · 12/01/2025 23:12

DSS didn't walk or feed the dog. He cannot be surprised the dog favours the person who does this. It's unfortunate that DSS can't live with his dog full-time. Explain that the dog will favour him more if he takes care of her when he is there but he can't blame DS or the dog if they've formed a bond.

Birdscratch · 12/01/2025 23:28

A 13 year old shouldn’t have a dog that’s ‘their’ dog. Owning a dog is a lot of commitment and responsibility, usually for 10+ years, and that responsibility lies with the adult who brought the dog into the home.

It’s your DP’s responsibility to walk, feed and play with the dog he bought. I’d be proud of my DS for helping to look after the dog. I’d be pissed with your DP. He’s allowing your DSS to treat an animal like a bloody games console that shouldn’t be played with while he’s at his mother’s house because it’s his toy. He’s created this situation by telling his son that a family pet is ‘his’ dog and then telling your DS to back off when his son becomes jealous.

Birdscratch · 12/01/2025 23:34

And obviously, your DSS is (understandably) jealous that your son is now living with your DP. It’s sharing his Dad that’ll be bothering him but it’s less embarrassing for a teenager to kick off about the dog.

Elizo · 12/01/2025 23:38

I think DSS needs to prioritise the dog. Our dog is attached to me because I walk, feed etc. Has a good relation with DS but the more you do the more attached the become. I think stopping DS is silly given you are in one house. He could back off if DSS steps up when he is there

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