Page 6 | DS, DSS and the dog

RemyT · 2025-01-11T11:43:10+00:00

DP moved in with me and my DS13 last year. He has DSS13 who stays every weekend and all school holidays (6 weeks in the summer etc). DP brought his dog with him, which is technically DSS' but he didn't walk, feed or play with her. DS has always wanted a dog so was over the moon when she arrived. DS was walking the dog every day, playing with her and sometimes feeding her. DP was happy with this as he's historically done it every day and quite enjoyed the break. After a few months of this, the dog became quite attached to DS and wouldn't really pay much attention to DSS. This made DSS unhappy as she's 'his' dog, so DP suggested DS back off slightly and DSS walked her etc. This lasted about 3 weeks, then DSS had enough and stopped doing anything so DS started helping again. Fast forward to now, the dog is again quite attached to DS and DSS has had a meltdown and said to DP that DS is no longer allowed to walk her etc. DP is at work today but has suggested we have a chat about the situation later. Do people agree DS shouldn't walk and play with her at all as it's upsetting DSS?

Namechange4840 · 12/01/2025 23:56

This whole my dog, your dog, his dog. You explain we now all live together it is a family pet. Put emphasis on u also walk and feed the dog too and its a shared responsibility and under no circumstances will ur ds be told he cannot walk or feed the dog or else the dog cannot be in ur home! Simple as that. Despite sounds very petty surely the main thing is the dog is loved has a good home and multiple ppl who care for it. I sense this may run deeper than the dog is he jealous his dad is now maybe even spending more time with your ds now u all live together and he feels like an outsider? Ik u said you have all known each other since they where 5 but im telling you in my experience things change when you live together and the jealousy kicks in unfortunately

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 13/01/2025 00:04

DSS needs to grow up and realise the dog is a living breathing creature who needs to be walked. If he won't meet those needs for the dog, then he is neglectful and he should be more than grateful that someone else has offered to step up to the responsibility for the sake of the dogs health.

He also needs to know walking keeps their nails trim, improves their cardiovascular health and mitigates a lot of nasty health conditions in old age.

I suspect DSS is upset as he knows this and seeing others take up that responsibility reminds him of his neglect of duty more than jealousy that the dog prefers DS but is too proud to admit it.

Cazwest6 · 13/01/2025 02:00

I would ask dp to tell dss that he has to take total responsibility for the dog when he is staying at yours
your ds can take the dog out Monday- Friday if he wants to
but if dss won’t accept responsibility for the dog while at yours then tell dss to take the dog home and get your ds his own dog

HollyKnight · 13/01/2025 03:59

I'm not the only one who thinks this, but yeah, putting my amateur child psychologist hat on, I wonder if this is your stepson projecting his own insecurities. The dog prefers your son because he spends more time with him. And his father spends more time with your son than he does with him too. So maybe it's subconsciously about that rather than it being about the dog, because he doesn't actually do anything to improve his relationship with the dog. The dog transferring his "love" to your son is just a reminder.

I would suggest your DP try to spend more time with his son one-on-one rather than all of you together as a family. He needs to know he is loved by his father as his son, not just as part of a blended family in which he is the part-time member.

2025startingwell · 13/01/2025 05:33

HollyKnight · 13/01/2025 03:59

I'm not the only one who thinks this, but yeah, putting my amateur child psychologist hat on, I wonder if this is your stepson projecting his own insecurities. The dog prefers your son because he spends more time with him. And his father spends more time with your son than he does with him too. So maybe it's subconsciously about that rather than it being about the dog, because he doesn't actually do anything to improve his relationship with the dog. The dog transferring his "love" to your son is just a reminder.

I would suggest your DP try to spend more time with his son one-on-one rather than all of you together as a family. He needs to know he is loved by his father as his son, not just as part of a blended family in which he is the part-time member.

But I mean does the dad spend more time with DS than DSS ?

if you think about it
he is there every non school day - every weekend and every holiday.
so the only time in theory he is with his mum is when both DSS and DS are school plus 2 evenings out of 5 of the evenings he is at school actually by awaking hours he seems to spend more time with his dad than he does his mum.
the additionally the DS goes to his dads every other weekend and half the holidays which then also means 50 percent of that time is 1-1.

iwasntexpectingthatoops · 13/01/2025 05:43

DSS sounds like a spoilt little brat.

I had stepbrother like this growing up and we haven't spoken for 20 years. It's all about jealousy and your dp is being a drip.

Get rid of both imo, it won't end well.

HollyKnight · 13/01/2025 05:48

2025startingwell · 13/01/2025 05:33

But I mean does the dad spend more time with DS than DSS ?

if you think about it
he is there every non school day - every weekend and every holiday.
so the only time in theory he is with his mum is when both DSS and DS are school plus 2 evenings out of 5 of the evenings he is at school actually by awaking hours he seems to spend more time with his dad than he does his mum.
the additionally the DS goes to his dads every other weekend and half the holidays which then also means 50 percent of that time is 1-1.

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It's not about waking hours. His father lives with the other boy. He only comes to stay. That is very different.

Eenameenadeeka · 13/01/2025 06:37

Not fair to your DS, or the dog!

FirstOfTheFirst · 13/01/2025 06:45

If DSS wants the dog to be happy to see him, he needs to put the effort in.

Big life lesson for him here that love is earned, not forced. It's unhealthy for him to try to force the dog to live a worse life just so it loves him more. It won't work and is immoral.

2025startingwell · 13/01/2025 06:46

HollyKnight · 13/01/2025 05:48

It's not about waking hours. His father lives with the other boy. He only comes to stay. That is very different.

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No he has his own room and spends a considerable amount of time “ living “ with them both boys live with them and both boys also live part time with other parents.

averagely he spends 187 nights and 104 evenings with his own room out of 365 days.
50 percent of that time he is the only child in the house.
he has 2 homes it’s split pretty equally…

MumsGoneToIceland · 13/01/2025 07:08

If the dog is truly DSS’s, then dog goes where DSS goes and DSS needs to take total responsibility of it whichever house it’s in. Then you can decide whether to get a dog for DS. Otherwise, it’s a family dog living with you and all get to take care of it. However DSS needs to understand that even if you all decide on the former option, a dog can attach itself to whoever it wishes.

I assume you’ve had the chat now, what did you agree on?

Greywhippet · 13/01/2025 07:13

kiraric · 11/01/2025 12:10

Do you think it's really about the dog?

I wonder if it's more about having an active reminder every time he visits that your DS lives with his dad and he doesn't.

This. The dog is a proxy. You’re going to need to get to the heart of the matter. Maybe dp and dss should do some weekend dog walks together

HollyKnight · 13/01/2025 07:13

2025startingwell · 13/01/2025 06:46

No he has his own room and spends a considerable amount of time “ living “ with them both boys live with them and both boys also live part time with other parents.

averagely he spends 187 nights and 104 evenings with his own room out of 365 days.
50 percent of that time he is the only child in the house.
he has 2 homes it’s split pretty equally…

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He doesn't live there. Read the OP's posts.

"He has DSS13 who stays"
"DSS hasn't expressed a wish to move in"

He has a room at the OP's house, but he doesn't live there any more than he lives at school just because he spends 210 days a year there. Counting waking hours doesn't change the fact that it is the OP's son who his father sees first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Not him.

Whyherewego · 13/01/2025 07:22

DP needs to have a conversation with DSS. DSS had a meltdown and said some stuff whilst angry/upset. No one should run off and make changes as a result of some things said in that context.

DP sits down with DSS and has a "hey son, you were pretty upset the other day about Rex the dog. What's going on with you" type conversation. This may be about the dog, this may be about something else. But he needs to first of all get to the bottom of it with DSS, I'd imagine some gentle reminding of last time where DSS got bored of walking and some gentle prompting about the fact that the dog can't be controlled to like or dislike people may actually help DSS see sense. And as a PP said, what would DSS like to have happen? DSS walk the dog with DP and get 121 time? Or classes or what is it that would make DSS happier

2025startingwell · 13/01/2025 07:24

HollyKnight · 13/01/2025 07:13

He doesn't live there. Read the OP's posts.

"He has DSS13 who stays"
"DSS hasn't expressed a wish to move in"

He has a room at the OP's house, but he doesn't live there any more than he lives at school just because he spends 210 days a year there. Counting waking hours doesn't change the fact that it is the OP's son who his father sees first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Not him.

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But he doesn’t 🤣 he also goes his dad’s house.
so doesn’t get to do that really anymore than the DSS.

OP for it’s worth I have children who are all mine and they still argue over C like this 🤣

HollyKnight · 13/01/2025 07:29

2025startingwell · 13/01/2025 07:24

But he doesn’t 🤣 he also goes his dad’s house.
so doesn’t get to do that really anymore than the DSS.

OP for it’s worth I have children who are all mine and they still argue over C like this 🤣

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He still lives with his mum and the other boy's father though. Which is the whole point. It is not about the number of hours spent where. It's about where home is. The stepson's father lives with the OP and her son.

Serpentstooth · 13/01/2025 08:07

You should watch Downton Abbey and hear what Lord Posh has to say about alienating the affection of another chap's dog. Regardless, it's a dog and will respond to whoever is paying it the most attention. Easily solved.

Firethehorse · 13/01/2025 10:47

I agree with posters who point out that dynamics and feelings really change when adults move in together.
It’s actually your son I am concerned for OP. Both you and his father are only considering DSS’s demands and feelings. It’s awful you both seem to agree your son must play second best to DSS and acquiesce to his whims.
Have you ever considered what to do about your son wanting HIS own pet if DSS does not want to share? Maybe your son’s not so keen on sharing a house with a man telling him to back off (in his own home) when the DSB dictates, as you airily assume.
You need to have your own son’s wants and needs foremost in your mind because it’s clear this is how your DH is approaching things. Just because DS quietly gets on it does not follow he is as happy as you are assuming.
I do feel for DSS & I think he probably is finding it hard but that should not allow him to be prioritised. The dog has raised an issue but you and your partner need to think about how both boys can be accommodated fairly.

Laura95167 · 13/01/2025 17:26

DSS needs to learn pets aren't toys. The dog needs walking, so someone has to do it. It isn't fair on DS to be treated like a lacky with dog chores and punished that the dog has bonded with him.

The dog also as a living creature is entitled to his preference.

I think this is a good time to sit down both boys and explain responsibilities, earning affection from an animal and agreeing who's responsible when.

DSS can't demand DS can't care for the dog if he isn't prepared to do it.

godmum56 · 13/01/2025 17:38

Elizo · 12/01/2025 23:38

I think DSS needs to prioritise the dog. Our dog is attached to me because I walk, feed etc. Has a good relation with DS but the more you do the more attached the become. I think stopping DS is silly given you are in one house. He could back off if DSS steps up when he is there

that's not always the case, we have had dogs who adored my DH but I did all the day to day care because I had a part time job. Its absolutely not fair on the dog (or the DS) to make different rules because someone else is there.

godmum56 · 13/01/2025 17:38

Laura95167 · 13/01/2025 17:26

DSS needs to learn pets aren't toys. The dog needs walking, so someone has to do it. It isn't fair on DS to be treated like a lacky with dog chores and punished that the dog has bonded with him.

The dog also as a living creature is entitled to his preference.

I think this is a good time to sit down both boys and explain responsibilities, earning affection from an animal and agreeing who's responsible when.

DSS can't demand DS can't care for the dog if he isn't prepared to do it.

that kind of "sharing" is not fair on the dog, also its been tried already.

godmum56 · 13/01/2025 17:40

Serpentstooth · 13/01/2025 08:07

You should watch Downton Abbey and hear what Lord Posh has to say about alienating the affection of another chap's dog. Regardless, it's a dog and will respond to whoever is paying it the most attention. Easily solved.

FFS this is not true. As I have said a couple of times, we have had dogs who favoured my DH even though I did most of the care because I worked part time.

godmum56 · 13/01/2025 17:41

Whyherewego · 13/01/2025 07:22

DP needs to have a conversation with DSS. DSS had a meltdown and said some stuff whilst angry/upset. No one should run off and make changes as a result of some things said in that context.

DP sits down with DSS and has a "hey son, you were pretty upset the other day about Rex the dog. What's going on with you" type conversation. This may be about the dog, this may be about something else. But he needs to first of all get to the bottom of it with DSS, I'd imagine some gentle reminding of last time where DSS got bored of walking and some gentle prompting about the fact that the dog can't be controlled to like or dislike people may actually help DSS see sense. And as a PP said, what would DSS like to have happen? DSS walk the dog with DP and get 121 time? Or classes or what is it that would make DSS happier

you can't just make changes to the dog's life to please a child.

godmum56 · 13/01/2025 17:42

MumsGoneToIceland · 13/01/2025 07:08

If the dog is truly DSS’s, then dog goes where DSS goes and DSS needs to take total responsibility of it whichever house it’s in. Then you can decide whether to get a dog for DS. Otherwise, it’s a family dog living with you and all get to take care of it. However DSS needs to understand that even if you all decide on the former option, a dog can attach itself to whoever it wishes.

I assume you’ve had the chat now, what did you agree on?

and that wouldn't be fair on the dog either.

Laura95167 · 13/01/2025 17:46

godmum56 · 13/01/2025 17:38

that kind of "sharing" is not fair on the dog, also its been tried already.

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I disagree, if a married couple have a dog the responsibilities for it are shared with no adverse effects

I'm not suggesting the last arrangement worked but that denying OPs DS and the dog eachothers companionship isn't fair on either. And while I understand DSS wants to be dogs person that has to be earned. And dogs form packs so there's no reason dog can't enjoy both boys if DSS accepts he needs to take more responsibility and and be grateful when his stepbrother helps