Friends cancelled 30 mins before we were due to set off

[Monicageller221]

Had plans for last night that had been made since November. DP and I were meant to be travelling to our friends house, having a meal at a restaurant and then going back to theirs for some drinks.

It is a 45 minute drive away and they invited us to stay over so that we didn’t have to be spending money on a taxi back. The meal was already booked, and we had bought some alcohol to take with us for the evening and they also bought a bit, plus snacks.

We got all ready, bags were packed, hair done, make up done, outfit on. My sister had just arrived as she was staying at mine to look after the cats so I was downstairs having a conversation with her when DP shouted down “they’ve cancelled it!” Basically they had an argument due to the house not being tidy and one of them got into “a mood” and cancelled the whole thing. I told DP to just give it 30 mins until it’s time to leave and they might have calmed down by then. However they never picked up the phone again.

Part of me is really annoyed at this, I would never let someone down like this. Especially over the reason that they did! However another part of me is thinking maybe the messy house thing isn’t true and something else has gone on more serious? DP is really annoyed by it and thinks it was selfish to cancel so short notice without a good reason.

What would you think if this happened to you, would you be annoyed? Or this a this an ok thing to do to people?

They obviously had a horrible argument and were still angry. It's perfectly possible that it started over a messy house.

The evening would not have been very good if they had had a massive row.

I had friends do this on Christmas Eve once. They'd had a row.

I think you need to cut them a bit of slack here as it definitely sounds as though something went on and they just weren't up to having you over. A shame though. Hope they're ok.

Cancelling half an hour ahead of time would suggest it was entirely down to the petty reason they've given. If it was something serious like illness they would've cancelled earlier.
Your partner's friend was honest, which shows integrity, but it's still incredibly rude to cancel in those circumstances. Part of me thinks gosh you weren't even worth thinking up a more 'acceptable' excuse! Thus I can understand why you'd 'want' it to be something more significant.

It's possible the evening wasn't planned together, and the female partner isn't actually fussed about double dating; she'd agreed to it as long as he did the organising/prep (and he didn't).
Maybe better to just let your partners socialise (it's them who are friends) and politely (or not 😂) decline any future dates.

Well surely either or both of them could and should have tidied it, given they’d invited overnight guests?

The point is that you’re still posting complete assumptions as fact.

I put importance on my appearance? Do you not get ready to go out or something? And what do you mean you wouldn’t have taken so much time to get ready? Where did I say how long it took me to get ready? We had to leave at 5:45 and I finish work at 5:30. I can’t get ready in 15 minutes!! And at my work you can’t request to just finish an hour earlier. You would have to request leave which can only be a full day or half a day. So I finished at 1 oclock and then relaxed for a bit, got some jobs done until it was time to get ready. What a very odd person you are

The moment I read it this was exactly my take, she was just fed up of him not helping to prepare the house for guests

I think they probably did you a favour overall as if they hadn’t beep speaking it could have been a horrible night. I can see why initially you were annoyed though.
I would imagine a ‘the house is messy’ argument probably descended into a full relationship ‘you don’t respect my contribution’ argument but who needs that on a text.
Do you know the girlfriend well enough to reach out? Sound like she might need a friend today.

Was she really 'in a mood', which sounds like misogyny speaking? Or did she draw a firm boundary with her partner where she said she wasn't clearing up his shit again and jf he wants his friend over, he can fix it? And then held the line.

The reality is that only this couple know what actually happened. But if all communication is being filtered via him, I would be sceptical of how close to the truth the 'public' version is.

I would message her, even if you don't know her that well. A simple sorry we didn't get to see you, hope you are ok, let me know if you want company. Or similar.

I bet this poor woman had been left to do everything
and her DP had done bugger all
and then he made a comment about the house being a mess
and she just let rip

Honestly, I would be worried about this. It must have been a really serious argument for them to have cancelled on you. I would be concerned they might be hiding domestic violence. It might be nothing but it might be something.

This. Who knows how bad the argument was.
They might need a bit off kindness now rather than your anger. Being inconvenienced isn’t the end of the world

I wonder if they just didn’t want to go and used the argument as an excuse, is hurtful to you and i’d step back from the friendship for a bit.

So you went out anyway and they called to apologise?
Unless they have form for being flakey I’d give them a pass. Life happens sometimes and if I’d had a really bad argument with someone the last thing I’d want to do would be out for a meal with friends socialising with them. If you are really friends then you’d understand that I feel.

Would you enjoy an evening in a post argument atmosphere. I know I'd be on eggshells.

I think they were polite in cancelling, albeit last minute and wouldn't hold it against them.

I've had this with my friend, a couple of them in fact.

I pay close attention to things they say in their relationships in case there's more to it but generally, I wouldn't want to be in a room where people are at each others throats. Me and my DH had to have dinner with a couple who were and it was extremely unpleasant. I wished they'd cancelled - even if it was on their doorstep!

No, you’re odd. It takes me 15 minutes to get ready.

I had cousin and husband who were unreliable like this. It took years before we realised he used to cancel and blame her moods because he didn't want anyone seeing her black eyes etc. We were all naively unsuspecting as she was also covering for him by being charming and loving towards him when we were there until he hospitalised her, ruptured her spleen etc.

Something serious has gone on (and with hindsight I wish we had checked up on my cousin.)

irrelevant 😆

Either a serious argument or a shit excuse

Most likely scenario is he organised the meet up as it’s his friend, then she felt annoyed that she’d had to do all the tidying while he just went about his normal business. He’ll have not understood and said the place looks fine. She’ll have been ranting that they’re his friends not hers yet she’s had to do everything and the house isn’t ready. He’ll have argued back nastily making her feel miserable and she’ll have said, “I’m not doing it. They’re not my friends anyway”, downed tools and gone to her bedroom.

Alternatively, he’ll have criticised her for how the house looked and she’ll have gone off on one for the sexism and said she’s not doing it as they’re not her friends anyway.

Or she just wanted the place perfect and couldn’t cope with it not being so shut down after a row.

I don’t think it will be more than that.

It is really shit, but must be a very bad falling out that they can’t ’act’ through. It makes me shudder and think back to my horrible ex. They must be going through some stuff and can’t put on a brave face.

Do they have kids? Because two adults who can't get their house tidied - and therefore have to cancel having friends over - are probably not friends I'd want to have.
At least having messy kids/being tired from having kids could give the semblance of an excuse!
Unless there's some backstory we don't know about, such as they're always the ones to host and have become pissed off and resentful.
It's out of order to cancel so late though.

I'd be more worried about the argument. They should probably split up if it's that toxic. Be there as a friend

I hope the restaurant wasn't let down and you went and had a nice meal there at your reserved table.

What a weird reply @Monicageller221. You mentioned taking annual leave, and it was a fair question to ask why as it wasn’t really necessary just to go to a dinner party. It’s a chat forum.