Friends cancelled 30 mins before we were due to set off

[Monicageller221]

Had plans for last night that had been made since November. DP and I were meant to be travelling to our friends house, having a meal at a restaurant and then going back to theirs for some drinks.

It is a 45 minute drive away and they invited us to stay over so that we didn’t have to be spending money on a taxi back. The meal was already booked, and we had bought some alcohol to take with us for the evening and they also bought a bit, plus snacks.

We got all ready, bags were packed, hair done, make up done, outfit on. My sister had just arrived as she was staying at mine to look after the cats so I was downstairs having a conversation with her when DP shouted down “they’ve cancelled it!” Basically they had an argument due to the house not being tidy and one of them got into “a mood” and cancelled the whole thing. I told DP to just give it 30 mins until it’s time to leave and they might have calmed down by then. However they never picked up the phone again.

Part of me is really annoyed at this, I would never let someone down like this. Especially over the reason that they did! However another part of me is thinking maybe the messy house thing isn’t true and something else has gone on more serious? DP is really annoyed by it and thinks it was selfish to cancel so short notice without a good reason.

What would you think if this happened to you, would you be annoyed? Or this a this an ok thing to do to people?

id be disappointed but wouldn’t be enough to ruin the friendship x

Because she wanted to relax and get ready beforehand I'm guessing

@Monicageller221 at 09.31: we each attach importance to different things. The gf is focused on a tidy house for guests, you on being organised and on your appearance. Unlike you I wouldn’t have taken so much time to get ready whereas like her I’d have been annoyed at a lack of co-operation with housework. I think they’re been honest which must have been embarrassing for them.

I would guess she was really embarrassed to have people stay over at house in the state it was in, and was sick of him assuming it was her job to tidy up for his friends. They had a massive row about it, which ruined the night for them (or at least her). It sucks for you but I think it's understandable, and hopefully a one-off. If I were her though I would drop you a message to apologise.

You can’t possibly know any of this. It’s all supposition.

I cancelled last minute once. Going out with somebody from work (boss and wife collecting us) to a colleagues wedding. Husband says he wants to wear this shirt but it needs ironing. I declined, citing the fact he'd got about 40 already ironed in the wardrobe. He said 'if you don't iron it, I'm not going'. Blackmail. I had to go out and tell my boss we weren't coming. In hindsight I should have just gone without him.

This. It's annoying and even upsetting, but it clearly wasn't OK for you to go, due to the atmosphere and state of the house. I imagine they are mortified (or at least one of them is) and didn't cancel on a whim. DH needs to move on - obviously if it happened next time too, I'd feel less forgiving, and wouldn't arrange to stay again.

Yeah, because THAT’S the burning question on this thread…

On the flip side, would you really want to spend your evening with a huffy bickering couple with alcohol in the mix??

I'd imagine it would be like spending the evening with Dawn and Pete from gavin and stacey! No thanks!

Yeah, stop making plans with them. The argument may well have been about a messy house because usually arguments about silly things are indicative of much deeper issues and so the bigger issues come out with small things.

It's a shame they are having issues but you cannot expect people to continue inviting you to things if you are consistently late or flake on people. It's not about character judgement, it's just consequences of actions. We all have to take responsibility for how we treat others and they are no exception.

If this was a one off rare event I would give them a second chance but this is clearly a pattern with them and you will only end up getting irritated and inconvenienced again in the future. This is the time to draw your own boundary and stop expecting things of them that they simply cannot fulfil.

i think its reasonable to be peeved but I'd think I had dodged the bullet of spending a really uncomfortable evening.

if both you and dp had been looking forward to it and all arranged… why didn’t you two just go?

If you just take it at face value, I'd make sure they come to you next time which solves the last minute flake issue. Maybe there's more to it which you can't really know. Or maybe they are selfish and flakes. IDK maybe just me but I wouldn't disect this. They must have known its not like popping down to local town for a drink. If they fo come to you you can build a relationship separately with her to ask in future.

My friend cancelled babysitting my kids so I could stay 100 miles at my sisters 40th once. I only found out when I checked with her the day before. Said she had invited both her adult children and her BF to stay in her 2 bed house. She had offered to babysit in the first place. I had told her I couldn't go to the party as the kids wasn't invited. Never happened since. Because everytime my friend arranges something more elaborate than meeting for coffee. I say that would be lovely and presume it will never happen unless she books it.

Couples have arguments for all sorts of reasons and the underlying issue is rarely the subject of the argument

So…. you and DP could have gone out for a really nice evening together

although it was bloody freezing last night and roads very slippy

So why didn’t the husband just tidy the house instead of bitching to his friends about how she was “in a mood”. Surely if the problem was the messy house he could have just tidied it?

I think you’re misfocusing here. It’s clearly not just about a messy house or about being ‘rude’. I understand it’s disappointing but it’s clear there’s a bigger reason here. As far as you know they’ve had a row and you’ve no idea about what this entailed other than what you’ve been told. Your husband’s friend has made it clear it’s his girlfriend’s fault because she was ‘in a mood’ which is the usual way of shutting down what a woman has to say. He is also being disrespectful to her by saying that to your DH and it no way acknowledges that he has a role to play in whatever happened.
I appreciate cancelled plans are disappointing but life is complicated and you don’t know exactly what’s happened so I’d let it go.

so to be clear

you had a lovely evening
didn’t need to drive on slippy roads in the dark for 45 mins
and got to sleep in your own bed

so all good

is your DP always one for knee jerk reactions?

This^
I would be mildly annoyed but not very bothered more concerned for them.
Im sure it was not about the messy house it’s always deeper.

I would assume the same. And I wouldn’t want to walk into that as a guest. The row may not have been the friend’s fault either, remember that.

Yes, would be annoyed that I was all ready etc, but would assume they must be in a state and not ready to socialise at all, which is understandable.

The row that ended my marriage in violence was ostensibly about housework.

Surely you would prefer to go out with DH than socialise with a couple who just had a big argument? It doesn’t say much for your relationship otherwise!

Do you not like the wife?

My sister had just arrived as she was staying at mine to look after the cats

A thread in itself 😆

Either it’s a very lame excuse or there is something more serious going on

as you aren’t close to the gf you might never find out.

i’d definitely not be impressed unless some new information comes to light. Dh and I have definitely sometimes had an argument before going out and then managed to pull ourselves together if there’s prearranged plans