Friends cancelled 30 mins before we were due to set off

[Monicageller221]

Had plans for last night that had been made since November. DP and I were meant to be travelling to our friends house, having a meal at a restaurant and then going back to theirs for some drinks.

It is a 45 minute drive away and they invited us to stay over so that we didn’t have to be spending money on a taxi back. The meal was already booked, and we had bought some alcohol to take with us for the evening and they also bought a bit, plus snacks.

We got all ready, bags were packed, hair done, make up done, outfit on. My sister had just arrived as she was staying at mine to look after the cats so I was downstairs having a conversation with her when DP shouted down “they’ve cancelled it!” Basically they had an argument due to the house not being tidy and one of them got into “a mood” and cancelled the whole thing. I told DP to just give it 30 mins until it’s time to leave and they might have calmed down by then. However they never picked up the phone again.

Part of me is really annoyed at this, I would never let someone down like this. Especially over the reason that they did! However another part of me is thinking maybe the messy house thing isn’t true and something else has gone on more serious? DP is really annoyed by it and thinks it was selfish to cancel so short notice without a good reason.

What would you think if this happened to you, would you be annoyed? Or this a this an ok thing to do to people?

It rings true to me. The GF was probably at work, the DP was meant to sort the house out, make the beds etc for his friends coming. GF arrives home to find nothing done and says well they can’t come then!

I don't think you'd use an argument as an excuse if it wasn't true (you'd use COVID or vomiting) as it's pretty embarrassing/revealing. And the fact the argument started over the state of the house doesn't itself make it an insignificant excuse - arguments escalate from untidy house, to you expect me to do everything, to you take me for granted, to we don't belong together etc etc.

This has never happened to us (to the best of my knowledge, though we've had our fair share of COVID/vomitting excuses...) but I do remember it happening to my parents when I was a child. They are this year going on a cruise with the arguing couple to celebrate their 80th birthdays!

He hasn’t said much so I’m not sure. All I know is that the girlfriend was in a mood due to the house being a mess and they had an argument about it.

This sounds so judgey. She wasn’t in a mood because the house was messy, she was in a mood because her partner was being shit and expecting her to host his friends and left all the work of getting the house ready to have people sleep over for her to do.

I’ve been in her situation countless times before and really wouldn’t be cancelling plans on such short notice over it. We’d have a bit of a row and I would get over it for the sake of a nice evening that we’ve planned together. If it was just me and DP then maybe I’d be like “I’m not in the mood to go out anymore” but when other people are involved I’d just try and get over it. It’s a messy house, that’s all. In the grand scheme of things is it really a big deal. However, just to note again, I am aware that this may not be the real reason

Yes I know that, I should’ve put it in quotation marks because I mean that’s all that was said. He literally said “she is in a mood because the house is a mess so we have had an argument and there’s no getting her out of a mood like this”

My first thought was he expected her to have the house perfect. For his friends. Some men just think cleaning etc “happen”.

If it was one of my current friends I would be worried because it would have to be a horrible row to cancel like that.

I have had a couple of flaky friends in the past and I learned not to bother making plans with them unless it was a group thing where them being late or cancelling at the last minute was not going to be a big deal. I would suggest doing that going forward as they have form for being late all the time.

Well it could be worse.
You could have got stuck in an atmosphere overnight with them.
If they haven't got form, I'd put it down to one of those things.

“yeah there’s just no talking to her when she’s in that mood”

🧐 🤮 The husband sounds like a dick head.

Your partner’s friend sounds like a dick for saying that about his girlfriend.

My guess is that your husband's friend was the one who invited you both to the house, his partner wasn't that bothered about the evening with her partner's friends, may not have been aware you were coming to the house, and neither wanted to clean the house for his friends nor invite people to a dirty house. He didn't clean the house so she said well they aren't coming here, and he cancelled.

I wouldn't give it too much thought - it is just the opposite of the usual Mumsnet situation where the husband invites his family or friends but expects his wife to do all the work.

I would have been very annoyed at being let down at such short notice and for the reason given.

But I would have assumed the argument or whatever happened was much more serious than the excuse given.

Tbh I would be even more dubious about something being very wrong in the relationship given your DP's friends blaming the girl friend and implying it's all down to her behaviour. He hasn't been very forthcoming but it's only his side of the story and nobody knows, apart from the couple, what really sparked the argument and who was behaving badly.

And this is how controlling and coercive men isolate women from their support networks. (And occasionally vice versa I guess).

I would want to find out what's really going on and if my friend was OK before cutting down on contact.

Spot on.

Obviously it is disappointing. You'd gone to a lot of effort to be there, arranging cat care, packing an overnight bag etc.

But you did the right thing and made the best of it.

Unless they have form for being flaky, inconsiderate and thoughtless in letting you down, I'd just accept they made the right decisions under the circumstances and wait for the frustration and disappointment to ebb away.

No one cancels because the house is untidy. They've had a stinking row and couldn't shake it off for a lovely evening together. If they're good friends once I'd got over the disappointment I'd feel sorry for them.

👌

I would think that it could have been a break-up argument and so one of them - the girlfriend as you are friends with the boyfriend - couldn’t face pretending that everything was ok to people she doesn’t really know well.

As the boyfriend has already blamed her by saying she gets in a mood, and doesn’t seem to have taken on much responsibility himself for the cancellation himself, a kind thing to do might be to reach out to her and ask if she is OK. If they stay together, its going to be awkward the next time you all meet as the 3 of you will be blaming her for the cancellation. I actually feel a bit sorry for her.

I would be very annoyed. If that was the real reason, they are making you pay the price for their silly argument. If it wasn’t the real reason and there was something more serious going on, they should have told you what it was (or at least tell you today).

Yes this was my first thought too. A bit rubbish for you but probably better that they cancelled than forced you to sit down to dinner then spend the night staying with two pissed off people.

That form of mood-having can be a form of coercive control. It gets everyone else walking on eggshells and expending energy on keeping the mood-prone one happy.

I agree with @IGuessIllbetheFirst , it would be great to send her a message saying
'hope you are ok, don't worry about last night, we can rearrange if you want to when you're ready. If you need a chat, I'm always here'

Then you aren't fishing for information but you are offering kindness in a tricky situation, which will help smooth over any friendship ruffles and minimise the awkwardness this could create.

Look at it this way, you had a nice evening together and avoided what would probably have been a very awkward evening with a couple who are furious with each other - they wouldn't have been very good company! At best, there would have been awkward silences, at worst they could have continued to row, especially once fueled by a few drinks! It's not nice to be cancelled on last minute but it was also a lucky escape!

It wasn't about a messy house. That was the excuse. Obviously there is something very wrong and you have no idea what because you're focussing on your own feelings.

They're always late, are unreliable etc. You have to decide do you want to go on like this.

Or are you actually going to BE friends and say you know all's not well, ask if they're ok, if you can help etc. If they say no they say no - then you decide if it's worth it.

Personally I'd only cancel like this for a serious row.
Whatever the reason it would be a very long time before I used AL for them again though.

This.

If they've had a row there'll be an atmosphere and I'd feel really awkward in the middle of that. Much more sensible to cancel than host guests and broadcast difficulties in the relationship. It would put you in an awkward situation.

If they just didn't fancy it there's loads of different excuses to use. It's winter, norovirus cases are high and generally come on suddenly. I'm always suspicious with late cancellation due to sudden vomiting but it's so plausible!

It's good you made the most of the night yourselves. You say they don't have form for it so I'd just forget and move on.

This