Friend said I'm a bad parent as all my children have moved abroad

[andapenguinsir]

I have 4 DC, all between 20 and 28 Currently one lives in LA, another in Toronto, another in Dubai and another in Melbourne. Youngest is studying, next eldest moved in September after a job offer, next moved to Dubai for work last year and eldest did a gap year in Australia, met a girl, fell in love and was able to find work.

I'll be honest I find it really hard having my kids so far away but I'm proud of them all. Currently I visit them all once a year, the youngest comes home in the summer and at Christmas but enjoys spending spring break with her friends. My 2nd youngest is just settling into routine but he came home at Christmas and said he will come back in the summer for a week, but I expect this will decline to once a year as he mentioned that it takes up a lot of holiday to come home and he loves travelling. My son in Dubai comes home the most, probably every 3 months but for him he can usually tie in a work trip and my eldest comes home once a year, sometimes over Christmas but this year he didn't.

This means it's actually been a while since all my kids have been together at once.

The amount we call varies by kid but about once a week to once a fortnight across the board. We have a family group chat which thanks to time zones is basically active 24/7. They just send little updates etc.

Today I met with a friend who I haven't seen properly in years but we message often. She asked about the kids and I mentioned they all live abroad and she said "gosh what did you to do them to make them all move so far away".

She has 3 DC the furthest any of them live from her is 1.5 hour drive.

This really upset me as I feel like she was implying I must have been a bad parent for all my kids to want to move so far away.

AIBU to be hurt or could there be some truth in it?

As PPs have said, the fact that your kids have flown the nest far and wide, and are fully independent, shows what an amazing job you’ve done. Our job as parents is to teach our kids to look after themselves in the big wide world-if they’re adults and still clinging on to the apron strings, then you haven’t been very successful. The fact that your kids were all brave enough to start their lives thousands of miles away from the safety of home shows you’ve done an incredible job. Hats off to you op

She is being mean ignore her, exploring the world and living abroad is an experience and you can visit.

Hi OP,

Just wanted to chime in; I moved abroad (Europe) at 22 and am now late thirties. At the time of moving, my decision had nothing (negative) to do with how I was parented. I moved because I studied a language, spent time in the relevant country as a student, and despite a short stint in the UK (boyfriend) post-graduation, I itched to go and live this "bigger" life in a different country.

If anything, how I was parented gave me the solid foundation of self-assurance and the idea that a different life was possible. There was also never, ever any hint of "but what about us?" that may have restricted my thinking. Parental support (emotional, and sometimes financial at the beginning) was one of the pillars that made me able to establish a life, a circle of freinds and a career where I wanted to be.

It's not all been peachy, and there have definitely been some gaps in communication (probably due to a lack of shared experience added to the same difference in expectations that ALL people have in all relationaships over time). My mum sometimes mentions that she doens't speak to me and my sibling (UK) "as often as other mums", but neither of us want to chat daily or would have anything new to talk about on a daily basis.

FWIW, keep up the effort to visit when you can (this means a lot, especially at the beginning or at key points like moving house).

PS. I love the watching films "together".

Edited for spelling.

She is a bit thick and she is not your friend.

you are an awesome parent and you children are living amazing lives. You have given them then skills, resilience and sense of adventure to spread their wings and experience life.

she must have very limited intelligence.

In my experience, people who move abroad are often close with their parents and make an effort to stay in touch but have been filled with confidence and are well adjusted to make a life where they want. Sounds like you've done an excellent job.

And equally those who were homesick must have had parents and family they were close to and enjoyed being around . It works both ways.

I think she has commented how she would feel, but she's also using her experience of her kids.

You have nothing to be concerned about

Jokes like that are always a bit snide. Much like people joke about needing to cut the apron strings if kids stay at home too long.
I wonder OP if the way you discuss your kids achievements makes her feel like you are holding them up as positive comparisons to her less adventurous brood and she’s, quite possibly unconsciously, felt defensive so commented about her family being close as a positive. In fairness to her there is a grain of truth in what she’s said. If your family and having close ties is of paramount importance to you then you’d not choose to move to another country. All you did was taught your kids that being close to you wasn’t more important than everything else in their lives. I don’t see that’s a bad thing.
Your kids may move back. My parents always encouraged me to go off and explore and I did for a while but, in part because we have always been very close, I ultimately took an opportunity for a role close to home when it arose and we see each other all the time now. I‘m so pleased they didn’t make me feel like spreading my wings and exploring was selfish or an indication I didn’t love them enough.

I see my mother constantly and she’s a pain in the arse in all honesty. I would love to have spread my wings but it wasn’t something I was able to do.

As much as I want my own children protected by me in a bubble forever the reality is I’d be doing them such a disservice as a parent to not give my children who are able to live independently those skills. I have a child with additional needs who won’t ever have independence, even when I’m no longer around he'll need carers etc and out of all my children he seems to be the one who would love to do things such as go to America etc even if the truth for him is he finds getting in the car for a half an hour drive on a unknown route far to upsetting. But we put things in place and make his world as big as we can for him.
But as parents we have to put aside our own worries and fears and let children choose their own paths.

I am very interested as I get older in human behaviour and the mind and with that I read a lot of things about murderers and my biggest fear is my children will want to go backpacking somewhere and never be seen again. If my children tell me that’s what they want to do I’d be helping them plan their visit and besides discussing safety, keeping my own worries to myself.
My dc can’t do what I have done, have a small, uneducated life with no worldly experience because I’d miss them.
Ultimately we love our children more than we love ourselves and we put them first.

That’s not a friend, that’s a hater.

I’m the DD that lives abroad - if anything, it’s a sign your children don’t feel chained to you and are free to pursue their dreams and opportunities. Not everyone wants to stay in their hometown forever or live down the road from their parents.

You've done a great job with your kids, OP whether they live in the UK or abroad, they have all made successful lives for themselves independently. That is what all parents want for their kids, that they carve out fulfilling lives for themselves.

Nowadays with social media, face-chat etc, you can 'see' and 'hear' them regularly. My DD lives in Canada, my son 3.5 hours drive away. They, like your kids, have worked hard to create the lifestyles they wanted. I am delighted for both of them.

Whether grown children choose to live local to family or far away, we just want them to live happy and fulfilled lives.

That's possibly something only the friend can answer (and it's just a possible explanation). There's nothing wrong with having family living close by, and there's nothing wrong with having family living around the world. They're just very different pictures of family life. Sometimes, people have insecurities and seeing something in someone else's life can trigger those. For example, maybe on some level the friend feels like she did something wrong because her children have stayed close to home, or that she let them down because she couldn't give them some opportunities in the past, and seeing the OP with her children all having international academic, professional and social opportunities could bring those feelings up for her. People often think the grass is so much greener on the other side of the fence, and sometimes people consciously or unconsciously take out their own insecurities on other people.

In one of your follow ups you mention jow she's said how close they are, but nothing about her childrens actual lives.
Tbh I'd think, ah so she views it as most important they remain close to her? At the cost of relationship/hobbies/ motivation to have a life away from here? Odd choice

I'd feel proud of having kids that want something in life for themselves, especially if they saw our relationship as important enough to travel the many hours it takes them. Her kids might travel to her cos she's down the road... would they if they lived that far away?

If a friend said this to me (I’m assuming she’s someone you actually like), I would have laughed and jokingly agreed that I must have done something to drive them away. I’d have laughed (genuine, not resentful laugh) because I would have been confident in my parenting style and relationship I have with my kids and I would know it was a joke. I wouldn’t have found it ‘triggering’. I would know my friend, know her humour and her character as she is my friend by choice (so I must like her). So question is, do you actually like this friend or have you questioned her character before?

A mean, untrue narrow thing to say.
I love my parents but I still lived abroad for 10 years. They gave me space and no guilt to do that. I now live very near both of them and talk and see them several times a week. Ditto my sister - seven years abroad and now she lives round the corner from me - and also sees our parents all the time.

That was a silly comment for your friend to make and possibly a poor attempt at a joke.

Whilst it must be hard if your DC are all abroad, (I know I would be upset if my DC went abroad), I think you should be massively proud that you have raised 4 independent confident young people. What a wonderful experience for them all.

I suspect your friend is a little jealous that her children haven’t spread their wings in the same way.

Be proud that your children have been raised with the confidence to go out and explore the world while they are young. This is exactly what I did and I will encourage my DCs to do the same even if I would miss them dreadfully. The world is a big place why limit your life to a 5 mile radius of your Mum and Dad. Once they settle with partners and have DCs things can understandably change but certainly while they are young people should get out and experience life.

As others have said it proves you have done a good job !

to me though it sounds like a silly throw away comment and I wouldn’t give it so much headspace . It probably says more about her own feelings about her own upbringing .

If you've sent your kids out into the world with the curiosity and courage to grab their life with both hands and live the hell out of it then you've done a brilliant job as a parent.

OP you have given your DC roots and wings.

It's our job to bring up independent adults, literally that's the job.

Exactly this. I can see the benefits both of confident international experience and of living consistently in one area. Of course you can't do both.

As someone who moved abroad to the UK as an adult in similar circumstances to some of your children, she’s being ridiculous!

I have been living in the UK for 10 years with no plans to move back to my home country. The reasons I moved (and reasons I stay) have nothing to do with my parents. Their only “fault” was raising me to be strong, confident enough to take on the challenges of moving to a new country, and secure enough in my relationship with them that I knew we could still be close even if I was far away. I am living my own best life. I needed to move country to live the life I’ve chosen, but they are still a big part of it and I’m forever grateful that they don’t make me feel guilty or sad about it.

Agree with all of this. She sounds like a spiteful cow don't give her comment another thought.

What a mean friend you have OP!
As the child that moved abroad at quite a young age, I can assure you my mum is the best mum in the world.
She raised independent, confident and sensible children and I always knew I can go 'home' should anything go wrong because she's always been there for me.
I would be quite sad if my own children move abroad but only for my sake because I love having them within reasonable reach. But I would be happy for their sake to find their own place anywhere in the world and I know they have the abilities to look after themselves.
For me, good parenting means raising children that grow into independent, well rounded and confident adults.

Obviously, jealous of OP’s kids going abroad and doing such exciting things. Some of them sound very high achieving as well.

I think she sounds threatened and insecure. A very similar thing is going on between a friend and her SIL at the moment. Friend’s daughter is hugely close to her mum (my friend) but has just taken an amazing opportunity to move to the States. SIL being a total bitch about it and going on about how she can’t imagine not having all her kids around her. They are in fact the weirdest bunch of enmeshed, co-dependent weirdos I’ve ever met.