Friend said I'm a bad parent as all my children have moved abroad

[andapenguinsir]

I have 4 DC, all between 20 and 28 Currently one lives in LA, another in Toronto, another in Dubai and another in Melbourne. Youngest is studying, next eldest moved in September after a job offer, next moved to Dubai for work last year and eldest did a gap year in Australia, met a girl, fell in love and was able to find work.

I'll be honest I find it really hard having my kids so far away but I'm proud of them all. Currently I visit them all once a year, the youngest comes home in the summer and at Christmas but enjoys spending spring break with her friends. My 2nd youngest is just settling into routine but he came home at Christmas and said he will come back in the summer for a week, but I expect this will decline to once a year as he mentioned that it takes up a lot of holiday to come home and he loves travelling. My son in Dubai comes home the most, probably every 3 months but for him he can usually tie in a work trip and my eldest comes home once a year, sometimes over Christmas but this year he didn't.

This means it's actually been a while since all my kids have been together at once.

The amount we call varies by kid but about once a week to once a fortnight across the board. We have a family group chat which thanks to time zones is basically active 24/7. They just send little updates etc.

Today I met with a friend who I haven't seen properly in years but we message often. She asked about the kids and I mentioned they all live abroad and she said "gosh what did you to do them to make them all move so far away".

She has 3 DC the furthest any of them live from her is 1.5 hour drive.

This really upset me as I feel like she was implying I must have been a bad parent for all my kids to want to move so far away.

AIBU to be hurt or could there be some truth in it?

Ugh! My sister in law ‘has to see her kids every day’ and likes to imply that we do not have a good relationship with our two who live 2/4 hors away. Hers were not encouraged to pursue education and have a career. I don’t feel
the need to see DC though it is lovely to get together every few weeks now we have grandchildren. We have such good media nowadays communication is easy.

I’d imagine her comment was a reaction to her own feelings of inferiority when you were describing all your children's amazing jobs / jet set lifestyles. People tend to try and justify their own lives/choices if they feel like someone is trying to make out theirs are better. I think she was probably listening to you talk about all of these different countries and amazing opportunities and felt a little like she had to justify how/why her family were just as happy (if not even happier!!) with their comparatively simple lives. Do you know what I mean? I’m not saying she was right to say it, it was really rude. But I think it probably came from defensiveness at the idea of comparing her children’s lives to yours. On some level she’s worried you ‘did it better’ so trying to make it seem like actually you did it worse. When actually you just did it different!

The person who said that to you is NOT a friend.

You’ve given your kids a sense of adventure, confidence and wings. I think that means you’ve done a great job. They keep in touch regularly, which is far more than some families do who live in the same town. FaceTime is fab.

I’d be sad in your position but pleased for them. We have encouraged our kids in the same way. Them moving permanently is my biggest fear though.

My eldest lived and worked in Bermuda for six years. Came home for Xmas. We face timed weekly. Middle one worked all over the world for 14 years. Both came back and married, live locally. The youngest doing his masters may go abroad.

It's hard on parents but wonderful that they've had the experiences.

I'd guess that she is a little envious. We want our children to be driven and ambitious and follow their dreams and have exciting adventures (even if we also want them to not be too far away)

I'd ignore the comment. It's more about her than you. Otherwise she was just making a joke trying to be funny and didn't mean anything at all by the comment. I could easily say something like that to some friends and it wouldn't mean anything other than to be an attempt at humour.

As a mother myself I can’t imagine feeling jealous or inadequate because my friend’s children all live abroad.

I agree. I wouldn’t be jealous of a friend whose kids moved to the other side of the world, however ‘successful’ they were. I’d say ‘oh how wonderful’ but secretly I’d feel sorry for her. My son is already talking about apply for jobs and a life in Australia. Whilst I’m encouraging him and being very positive about it, secretly I’d be heartbroken if he actually went.

You have raised strong, independent, self reliant, resilient adults. They know what they want and go for it. I think that makes you a good parent.

Your friend is not a friend. As a daughter that has moved tens of hundreds of miles away, it’s not what my parents did. It’s what government did and most importantly, what they did not (to make young people like me stay).

This really struck a chord with me! My DD lives in Melbourne too Op, and my DS is trying to move to LA, where his partner lives. How similar. It's not how I imagined my life would turn out if I'm honest, but I KNOW I wasn't a bad parent. If anything, I was too soft, as I was always trying to over compensate for me and their Dad's divorce.

I'm grateful that me and DH have the finances to visit them (as you do), and when DH retires (in 2 years), I am going to close my business over the winter months and we will go and rent an AirBnB close by for a month or two, and get some quality time with them. We just visited DD and her husband in Aus (via Singapore) and it was awesome. I doubt we would have ever gone to that part of the world otherwise, so it's opened our horizons.

I think your friend was probably joking though, and I wouldn't take it to heart.

Yes I agree with this. This thread has some equally nasty, judgemental comments about young people who choose to live at home or near to home. As the parent of two DCs that couldn’t be more different in terms of their independence and general outlook, and as the child of three siblings who have all chosen very different paths, I can tell you that it has nothing to do with the parenting and everything to do with an individual’s personality.

I do not clap myself on the back for my dd’s adventurous spirit, at the same time that I do not berate myself for my other dd’s fear of travelling. They are who they are and as a parent the best thing I can do is support them as much as I can for being who they are.

It's the opposite - you are a great parent. You equipped them with what they needed to live full, free lives. I hope my children grow up feeling like the world is their oyster like yours have.

@andapenguinsir I would have hoped it was a ham fisted attempt at a joke(?)
Otherwise, It’s a really nasty , stupid ignorant comment.

I know of a wonderful mother whose adult children both live overseas.

It must be hard on you though- But it did mean you raised strong independent young people.

I hope one day you can live closer to one of your children at least.

Exactly - they’re clearly very strong and independent young people, keep in touch with you and each other - you’ve clearly done a great job as a parent.

She needs to think before she opens her mouth to say something nasty. Clearly her parents did a poor job …

Give them roots and give them wings.
It sounds like it was a jokey throwaway comment but with a mean jealous streak.
Well done on creating ambitious, adventurous kids - and giving yourself the opportunity for lots of great hols.
Each to their own I say. As long as they are happy - I say you are winning!

I lived overseas in my 20s and 30s, it was nothing at all to do with anything my parents had or hadn't done.

Your friend was being a bit nasty I think.

Well done for bringing up such adventurous and independent children. When mine moved abroad to study and work I didn't think I'd failed them at all. If anyone had it was the government. But that's a different subject!

I would definitely read this as meant as a joke. Does she have form for these type of clumsy comments?

Moving abroad tells you nothing about someone’s parenting. It could be a product of good parenting or a consequence of bad parenting (like a friend of mine who moved far away so her toxic mother couldn't find her). So much jumping to judgemental assumptions on good parenting (move abroad) to bad parenting (stay close by). Some of the posts are absurd.

So true! Way back when the DTs went off to Uni without a backward glance ( thank god!), I jokingly lamented that some friends’ DC were homesick. DD briskly told me it meant I had done such a good job helping them
prepare for independence ; ‘ the stronger the attachment the more successful the detachment!’ or something similar from her A level psychology 🙂

What a bitchy comment. Hoping it was just thoughtless self preening and thoughtless to you.

My friends who moved away were the most confident. My interpretation was they had good upbringings that gave them the stability to think it's ok to move.

One if not both of mine will probably move and it's hard to think about wiping that smile on your face but you want them to fly in whatever way they want to.

Yes I agree with this. This thread has some equally nasty, judgemental comments about young people who choose to live at home or near to home.

Exactly. Success isn't judged by where one lives ones adult life, in relation to one's parents.
I moved two hours away from mine. It doesn't make me better than my brother who lived on the next road to them.
My husband's cousins (who he her up with on the same street) emigrated to Australia. They wouldn't for one minute claim that that made them better than him.

Jealous? Inadequate? Inferior? What are some of you people on...

Your children's achievements are not your achievements. Having high-flying children doesn't mean the OP is a superior parent. She didn't do that. They did that. The OP's friend hasn't "failed" as a parent because her children haven't left the country. Her children aren't lesser for not wanting to live in Australia. I mean, how do you explain it when one child emigrates and the other doesn't? Is the still-in-the-uk child just a dud? Everyone is different. People want different things out of life. It's ridiculous and lazy to resort to "She's just jelly, hun". She has no reason to be jealous.

That's incredibly unfair and ill thought out. If a child built a live elsewhere, have a family there, jobs, schools, friends, etc. According to you they should give it all up because a parent ages? So what, divorce the wife if she doesn't want to come to the UK? Let her leave her parents behind? Leave his kids behind, even though they need him, otherwise it means he is not close to his mum?

When should they move back and give up their own lives? When mum is 60? 65? 70? Poorly? Dying?

Families who are physically distanced from each other still have the love and closeness, and learn to do things in a different way.