Friend said I'm a bad parent as all my children have moved abroad

[andapenguinsir]

I have 4 DC, all between 20 and 28 Currently one lives in LA, another in Toronto, another in Dubai and another in Melbourne. Youngest is studying, next eldest moved in September after a job offer, next moved to Dubai for work last year and eldest did a gap year in Australia, met a girl, fell in love and was able to find work.

I'll be honest I find it really hard having my kids so far away but I'm proud of them all. Currently I visit them all once a year, the youngest comes home in the summer and at Christmas but enjoys spending spring break with her friends. My 2nd youngest is just settling into routine but he came home at Christmas and said he will come back in the summer for a week, but I expect this will decline to once a year as he mentioned that it takes up a lot of holiday to come home and he loves travelling. My son in Dubai comes home the most, probably every 3 months but for him he can usually tie in a work trip and my eldest comes home once a year, sometimes over Christmas but this year he didn't.

This means it's actually been a while since all my kids have been together at once.

The amount we call varies by kid but about once a week to once a fortnight across the board. We have a family group chat which thanks to time zones is basically active 24/7. They just send little updates etc.

Today I met with a friend who I haven't seen properly in years but we message often. She asked about the kids and I mentioned they all live abroad and she said "gosh what did you to do them to make them all move so far away".

She has 3 DC the furthest any of them live from her is 1.5 hour drive.

This really upset me as I feel like she was implying I must have been a bad parent for all my kids to want to move so far away.

AIBU to be hurt or could there be some truth in it?

What a horrid woman, she isn't any sort of friend!

We only have one child, a dd of 22. When growing up we went, and still do, on many holidays together all across the world. We gave her the opportunities to see the world, experience new things and encouraged her to develop her own independence whilst still having the safety net of a loving family network she can rely on at a moment's notice.

She is currently working abroad - perhaps long term as it's a permeant job if she wants it to be. She lives in a beautiful place with so many opportunities available to her. She's living her best life whilst still in touch almost daily with me and her dad, and her wider family and friends. She had friends across the world now from her time spent abroad, and having like minded friends too, who she meets up with and keeps in regular contact.

Sometimes I feel a bit sad she isn't back home, living with us, anymore but it's brief. She's a short flight away - we've been to see her very regularly and she comes home here too. She calls regularly, we message daily.

We are so far from being a broken down family with poor relationships and communication as it's possible to be, tbh.

You are a brilliant mum who has created independent and resourceful DCs who have the ability and nous to emigrate to better countries rather than staying at home forever and working in McJobs because they haven't got it in them to venture more than 3 miles from the parental home.

Agree. It sounds like a bad joke on her part that didn’t quite land. I doubt she’s saying that you are a terrible parent. She was probably trying to be funny but missed the mark. Unless it’s a bigger pattern of other comments from her. Your kids sound amazing and you should be so proud to have raised happy, ambitious children who are still close to their Mum.

She did not say you're a bad parent, did she.

She was imagining this in her family and felt the prospect of all her children moving abroad would be upsetting, and can only have been caused by one thing, which is a perfectly natural reaction for her.

She was thoughtless, insensitive and unkind to say what she did say - and I'm not surprised you're upset because underneath the pride I think you're maybe feeling something of that.

I'd write to her and tell her. I can't imagine she wanted to kick you like that, so she needs to know you felt hurt.

But if she did, and this is a pattern for her, why are you still friends?

God this. Your friend sounds like my MIL. Derided me for being as she called it 'miss independent" just because I don't come from a family of 5 and we all live next door constantly in each others pockets knowing each others business. People are different. Some parents also had children just so they can look after them in older age which is the most selfish reason for having children there is! Must be a big shock if they then move abroad! I'd rather mine spread their wings and went and enjoyed themselves, life is for living not looking after your elderly parents. We get so precious little time to ourselves as it is with kids, high pressure jobs, money and health worries etc in modern life.

Sounds like you’re a very good parent - giving fhem the confidence to pursue their dreams and see the world.

A bad parent would have put the guilts on their kids to stay close to you, or stifled them with “I’ll be worried”.

She can’t choose her sil though. This is a friend. Surely OP has decided she likes this woman? Why was the comment taken to heart so
much?

Your friend is a rude arsehole and it sounds like she's small minded and has made her world very small. You should be proud you have raised 4 strong, independent, confident adults who are interested in the wider world around them. You are NOT a bad parent.

Wow, why not roast all other parents and their kids while you're at it!

You raised your kids to be independent, build their lives and follow their dreams, which is what all good parents should seek to do- well done, you’ve done a brilliant job. Her kids will live smaller lives and one could argue she is selfish and thinking about herself not what gives her kids the best opportunities in life.

i wouldn’t bother with her as a friend personally, she is at best thoughtless but otherwise cruel & smallminded.

Your friend sounds insensitive and social inept. Some people say awful things to others to make themselves feel better. Sounds like you’ve done a wonderful job as a parent.

Well I wouldnt bother seeing her again op

I tell my kids all the time they could do anything and live anywhere when they grow up its their lives.

I live on the other side of UK from my family I know that's been rough for my mum particularly but she respects my choice

It certainly doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent OP, but I do think it’s selfish of adult children to move so far away. I’ve had 2 friends who’ve emigrated (USA and Australia) with their young kids, which has utterly devastated their parents. Losing your children and grandchildren is harsh. I’d never have done that to my Mum.

I really do not want dd to move back home just because me and her dad get older. We will do everything we can to prevent that - we have no intention of allowing our dd to be our carer.
She is her own independent young woman who needs to leave her own life!

Tbh, if anything, if she stays where she is - which is truly beautiful - we'd be more likely to want to go and live near her than the other way round.

Besides she can be home within half a day if need be (and vice versa) as it's a short flight, not too far to get to the nearest airports either end, not over;y expensive flights and transport even last minute and plenty of daily flights in and out,

Me too.

That was an incredibly unkind thing of her to say.

For what it's worth, I think it's an amazing achievement to have raised children who feel confident enough to venture out into the wide world and build a life for themselves.

You've obviously parented them in a way that they were equipped with the education and emotional resources to be able to chase their dreams which can only be a good thing.

Surely she was joking. No one thinks people move abroad to avoid their parents.

Everyone is different, but there is a grain of truth in what your friend said that’s why it hurts

No more truth in it that if we said that children who still live nearby as all totally co-dependent, insecure and unable to break free.

Everyone is different.

You can have the best relationship,in the world without living next door to one another.

You can have the worst type of relationship in the world whilst living next door or even in the same house.

Everyone is different.

You brought them up to be confident and independent and make the most of their opportunities. I would be very proud. As for the friend, I'd excuse once as a foot in the mouth, but if she said anything else like that I'd set her straight. It was an idiotic comment.

People migrate from the UK for lots of reasons

Financial, in search of better earning prospects or a better economy for lifestyle reasons, for ambition to follow an international career

A sense of adventure, weather, landscape

Love or friendship - or a new start after a failed love affair

A learning / stretch opportunity

Duty

And for lots of negative reasons - including that they don’t get on with their parents, or aren’t close to them, and won’t miss not seeing them for a year or two at a time.

Some people I’ve met actively hate their parents, had bad childhoods, and want to get far away and built a diametrically different life, a new start!

Some places in the UK have really low earning potential so people go abroad to make money, or escape a hopeless home town with many social problems, because they alternative is job seekers allowance and drugs - eg a friend from a poor northern town who has spent years working in a bleak place in Central Asia on an oil rig, or another in mining.

It varies. It’s not all nice aspirational reasons. And many parents are secretly heartbroken to only see their children a set number of times for the rest of their lives (eg once a year) although the best ones try to hide this.

OP I’m glad your kids went away for positive reasons and all sounds lovely and good.

But I do feel sorry for your friend who is being utterly lambasted on this thread for a comment that is commonly said either in jest or not. She just spoke her mind without thinking through. It’s not a crime or an attack!

If you like your friend and feel secure in your family situation, surely you’d shrug it off?

Ignore your friend. You sound like a lovely parent (albeit one who misses her dc) but you should be proud that they are all living their best lives. Perhaps say to them all that you would like a big family get together on your big birthdays. Doesn’t have to be at your home (eg UK) but somewhere in the world.
I know many many families whose children live in the same road that they always have done and have attended the same school - there can be life outside of the local village!

It’s the sort of thing I would say and I would definitely mean it as a joke!

What she should have said, and probably meant, was well done for launching your DC so well that they have the courage to branch out into uncharted waters. What’s your secret?

My 15 and 18 year old girls live abroad ... in my dreams

I'd be super proud if I were you, OP. Don't listen to her! I mean, it was a joke and probably not meant to cause offence. But I totally understand why it didn't go down well!

I think it was a cruel thing to say and it sounds like she was wrong.

Your children grew up in an international city, probably with friends whose parents came from all over. It’s natural that the world would look possible for them. And it sounds like they’re all happy.

You don’t (or shouldn’t) have children so they’ll be your company or look after you. They’ll land wherever they want to. As long as they know they have a home with you if they ever need it, that’s what’s important.

Also to add - I was desperate to move abroad and see more of life when I was a late teenager. My mother was downright manipulative about it (even though she wasn’t born here herself) and I was (as a teen) someone who was scared to let people down and desperate to please.

I hope my children do whatever they want to do when they grow up! I won’t be manipulating them to stay! One of them already says he wants to live in a particular country abroad.

Well done you on raising fine children into successful independent adults. Our children were not put on this earth to stay with parents, they’re meant to spread their wings and live their own lives. I’ll sure you’re very proud of your children, so do yourself a favour and stay clear of this ‘friend’, she’s no friend, she’s just a jealous nasty piece of work.