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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend said I'm a bad parent as all my children have moved abroad

399 replies

andapenguinsir · 11/01/2025 02:16

I have 4 DC, all between 20 and 28 Currently one lives in LA, another in Toronto, another in Dubai and another in Melbourne. Youngest is studying, next eldest moved in September after a job offer, next moved to Dubai for work last year and eldest did a gap year in Australia, met a girl, fell in love and was able to find work.

I'll be honest I find it really hard having my kids so far away but I'm proud of them all. Currently I visit them all once a year, the youngest comes home in the summer and at Christmas but enjoys spending spring break with her friends. My 2nd youngest is just settling into routine but he came home at Christmas and said he will come back in the summer for a week, but I expect this will decline to once a year as he mentioned that it takes up a lot of holiday to come home and he loves travelling. My son in Dubai comes home the most, probably every 3 months but for him he can usually tie in a work trip and my eldest comes home once a year, sometimes over Christmas but this year he didn't.

This means it's actually been a while since all my kids have been together at once.

The amount we call varies by kid but about once a week to once a fortnight across the board. We have a family group chat which thanks to time zones is basically active 24/7. They just send little updates etc.

Today I met with a friend who I haven't seen properly in years but we message often. She asked about the kids and I mentioned they all live abroad and she said "gosh what did you to do them to make them all move so far away".

She has 3 DC the furthest any of them live from her is 1.5 hour drive.

This really upset me as I feel like she was implying I must have been a bad parent for all my kids to want to move so far away.

AIBU to be hurt or could there be some truth in it?

OP posts:
Original poster
andapenguinsir · 11/01/2025 08:31

saraclara · 11/01/2025 08:23

the follow up description of how close by all her kids are and how they all have dinner together all the time etc. made me think it wasn't really a joke.

No, the follow up was perfectly normal conversation. You talked about your family and how it works, she talked about her family and how they work. Standard reciprocal conversation.

You're reading way too much into a jokey comment and her responding with her own family situation.

It wasn't really a natural follow up though. She didn't mention anything about what they were doing work wise or relationships or hobbies like I did for mine. She just said over and over how close they all are.

OP posts:
Pointpoint · 11/01/2025 08:31

It wasn’t a very nice thing to say and sounds like you are a close family. I wonder if she’s a bit insecure about her relationships?

On the flip side maybe she knows a few families like I do, one actually moved to Australia to get away from her mother. And I know a few more who have moved 3/4 hours away in the UK to get away from their parents. Not saying this is you OP but it does happen.

Simplydebs · 11/01/2025 08:33

She’s a friend ? Sounds a bit like the green eyed monster as your children have done soo well ?

Couldyounot · 11/01/2025 08:35

ThatEllie · 11/01/2025 02:38

No, I think that it actually suggests that you are a very good parent and your children are very successful. Those moves suggest that they excel enough to go places that, frankly, are more competitive and lucrative than the UK.

Agree. You've done well. Your friend's unpleasant remark sounds like jealousy, tbh

AyrnotAir · 11/01/2025 08:36

You raise children and are supposed to instill in them the skills to become fully functioning independant, confident adults and it sounds like you have done an amazing job of that.

Whilst most mothers would prefer their kids living closer. I think it's amazing that your children are off living their lives and experiencing different parts of the world and I'd be hugely proud of them in your shoes.

You see them fairly regularly and keep in touch a decent amount and you go visit them all so I think you should be proud of yourself too for raising them so well. If a friend said that to me I'd have said all of the above and I'm not sure I'd consider her much of a friend. More a narrow minded, judgemental boot.

FruminariaBandersnatchiosum · 11/01/2025 08:37

ZaraSkyTraveler · 11/01/2025 02:19

that was a cruel thing for her to say. I would be sad if all my kids moved away but actually you have to be proud that you created such independent kids!

Edited

This was my first thought. You have raised four kids with balls enough to do it.

If they were all NC with you, your friend would have a point but they are living their lives and involving you.

Be proud.

Cookiecrumblepie · 11/01/2025 08:38

It was a mean thing to say and not necessarily true, but there are a lot of people who move to get away from their parents. I think if your kids are truly close to you they will move back when you age. If they stay away long term it does suggest that they need space from you.

Onlycoffee · 11/01/2025 08:38

It's a reflection on her own beliefs and how she judges herself. She sees "leaving" as wanting to get away from her, she would take it personally and probably feel she'd done something wrong.

People have different beliefs on what their roles are as parents. I'm the same as you, I believe my role is to ensure my children are able to grow, expand and fully realise their goals and dreams.

BunnyLake · 11/01/2025 08:39

I’ve no idea if it was a genuine joke or not but your title says your friend said you were a bad parent. She didn't say that but you've stated it as fact in your title. Only you know what her delivery was like but It does make me think that their distances are harder for you than you might admit to yourself. You are obviously not a bad parent but maybe their distance is a sensitive subject for you.

Original poster
andapenguinsir · 11/01/2025 08:40

Cookiecrumblepie · 11/01/2025 08:38

It was a mean thing to say and not necessarily true, but there are a lot of people who move to get away from their parents. I think if your kids are truly close to you they will move back when you age. If they stay away long term it does suggest that they need space from you.

See I don't know if I would want this. I don't want my kids to give up their life or freedom just because I get old. I'll be happy in a care home with some visits!

I genuinely cannot imagine my eldest or youngest being happy in the UK. DD would go mad with the weather and DS is engaged, ready to start a family in Aus.

OP posts:
Frostynoman · 11/01/2025 08:40

Yes as others said it was a cruel and stupid comment. I was reading your opening post thinking how well adjusted your children are to go off so far away and seize life - I would be so very proud in your position - that’s them hitting the top of the pyramid in my opinion (Maslow and self-actualisation) - please share your parenting tips!!

Custardslices · 11/01/2025 08:40

Better this than your children living close by awaiting to be your carer when older.

She's probably jealous from all the holidays you have

Goldengirl123 · 11/01/2025 08:40

She was probably just joking. It sounds like you have been a good parent giving them all the confidence to do something with their lives

Catinabox21 · 11/01/2025 08:41

@neverbeenskiing agree entirely. Like you, I've known people who have emigrated who have great familial relationships and others who didn't and don't.

The OP's friend may have made some pretty groundless and unkind assumptions. However this thread is also full of them.

People seem to be equating wanting to stay close to your family (and perhaps friends too) as some kind of 'failure to launch'. Is that really such a pathetic thing to want to do?

dominique36 · 11/01/2025 08:41

From a personal point of view I think you should be incredibly proud of all your children, being so independent to move so far you must have raised them well! Moving far away is a massive thing and your DC seem to be absolutely ‘smashing it’. What fulfilling lives they must have all across the world! Be proud OP.

Redflagsabounded · 11/01/2025 08:41

I think she's a little envious about how courageous and clever your kids are. Not that there's anything wrong with staying physically close either. With modern communications, geographical location has little effect on emotional closeness.

I'm friends with a few 'kids' who have emigrated. Two stayed in the UK for love and I know miss and love their families abroad. . Others moved from UK for career/opportunities for their children and really miss their Mums.

Cookiecrumblepie · 11/01/2025 08:42

andapenguinsir · 11/01/2025 08:40

See I don't know if I would want this. I don't want my kids to give up their life or freedom just because I get old. I'll be happy in a care home with some visits!

I genuinely cannot imagine my eldest or youngest being happy in the UK. DD would go mad with the weather and DS is engaged, ready to start a family in Aus.

Show quote history

But it’s about your kids choice. I would never move far away from my elderly parents even if that’s what they wanted. I would want to see them regularly. Everyone is different, but there is a grain of truth in what your friend said that’s why it hurts

saraclara · 11/01/2025 08:43

Seriously, to all those people who say she must be jealous, what do you think she's jealous of? It's perfectly possible for one's kids to be successful, ambitious and good people without them traveling to the other side of the world. The vast majority of successful people do that very thing. And I say that as someone who loves to travel and always yearned to work abroad.

Being jealous of someone's kids who move a long distance away, just isn't really a thing. I might be envious of my peers doing something I'd love to do, but not of other people's kids.

Really, stop with the playground stuff. "She's just jealous" is what 8 year old girls say, and has no real relevance to this situation.

MyDeftDuck · 11/01/2025 08:44

"gosh what did you to do them to make them all move so far away".

You raised independent, inspirational, curious, adventurous, children and you should be proud of them all OP. Your friends comment was cruel and immature and probably tinged with a little jealousy because her kids are still so close to home and have not necessarily spread their own wings .

SatsumaDog · 11/01/2025 08:45

What an awful thing to say to someone! This person is not your friend.

I would say the opposite is true. Your children are confident and successful. That’s good parenting, not bad. Of course we love our children and miss them if they move away, but we don’t own them. They aren’t pets and they should live their own lives as adults, not exist to make their parents happy.

i think you should be very proud of your children and your parenting. I would be distancing myself from any friend who would say something so hurtful.

MoreCraicPlease · 11/01/2025 08:45

My siblings were the same and we loved our parents.
If I was to speak of why we left and others didn’t, they raised us to be independent and ready to fly. We hadn’t loads of money but the best holidays were the odd trip abroad. If there was a school trip going on a ferry to France, we were on it if at all possible. My parents saw opportunity where others saw fear.
They were also very keen for us to be independent financially and that encouraged looking for the best opportunities regardless where they were. Now that often means the Middle East for some people as it does for your son.
It worked well for us but it got hard as the parents grew older and needed help.
I think your friend was being cruel frankly. If it was a one-off then fine.

Scirocco · 11/01/2025 08:45

It sounds like you've done something right! You've got independent, talented children with strong work ethics and the confidence to travel for new opportunities, who also have secure enough attachments to know their family will always be there for them. It sounds like she's maybe feeling a bit jealous and insecure - maybe she's comparing her family to yours and feeling insecure about some aspect.

grace2025 · 11/01/2025 08:47

It is a bit sad or would feel a bit sad to me if all my children were abroad simply because of not seeing them very often. However in their 20s it's quite common and hopefully they will come back to the uk.

SatsumaDog · 11/01/2025 08:48

saraclara · 11/01/2025 08:43

Seriously, to all those people who say she must be jealous, what do you think she's jealous of? It's perfectly possible for one's kids to be successful, ambitious and good people without them traveling to the other side of the world. The vast majority of successful people do that very thing. And I say that as someone who loves to travel and always yearned to work abroad.

Being jealous of someone's kids who move a long distance away, just isn't really a thing. I might be envious of my peers doing something I'd love to do, but not of other people's kids.

Really, stop with the playground stuff. "She's just jealous" is what 8 year old girls say, and has no real relevance to this situation.

Edited

I agree, she’s not jealous. She’s just an unpleasant person who should learn to think before she opens her mouth.

BunnyLake · 11/01/2025 08:49

Scirocco · 11/01/2025 08:45

It sounds like you've done something right! You've got independent, talented children with strong work ethics and the confidence to travel for new opportunities, who also have secure enough attachments to know their family will always be there for them. It sounds like she's maybe feeling a bit jealous and insecure - maybe she's comparing her family to yours and feeling insecure about some aspect.

Again, as a pp said, jealous of what? Insecure about what? (In the context of OP’s kids living abroad).