People who think mat leave is a holiday

[makingdecisionsforme]

I went to a work dinner just before Christmas even though I'm on mat leave. A long time colleague was leaving and invited me along. Was great to catch up and see people.

One senior man (without kids) walked up to me at the bar and said 'are you living the dream right now?' Which I thought was an odd comment. Motherhood is beautiful but with 2 children, one being a 3 month old at the time at home, I'm not sure I'd describe it as 'living the dream'. Beautiful chaos perhaps?! :)

When it came to go home I said 'oh my it's getting late' and the same man said across someone 'well you don't have to work tomorrow'. That person who overheard said 'she has 2 kids'. I also said 'my working day starts in 2 hours'. Not that I need to justify myself but my 3 month old was going through the 4 month sleep regression, hadn't slept for longer than 3 hour stings over night for 2 weeks and was up all the night before and that night, with my 3 year old waking at 5.30am as usual.

I'm not living the dream or not working. I'm lucky to be a mum and be paid on maternity leave as many other countries don't afford this but AIBU to still be annoyed about it several weeks later?

I hope one day he has a reflux baby like mine and realises how hard it is. You try to solve it with infant gaviscon and that leads to constipation, try to counteract it with lactulose but forever worry you're getting the dose wrong, try omperazole only to be told it will decimate your LO gut health and make them more ill down the line, the mental load of it on no sleep is plenty of work!

Not the same as being in the office for 8.30, showered, dressed and contributing all day to a workshop which he had but I am not living the dream on a beach somewhere either!

He’s an ignorant twat, there’s one at my work too! I wish I hadn’t bothered with my Christmas work do (also on mat leave) my colleagues had nothing positive to say about work at all and it’s made me dread returning!

Ignore. He’s an ignorant dick. I don’t have children but I’ve seen enough friends on maternity leave, exhausted, surviving on minimal sleep, worrying themselves senseless about “getting it right”, usually sporting some kind of bodily fluid in their hair, to know mat leave is definitely NOT a holiday!

Well to be fair when I was on maternity leave I kind of was living the dream even though it wasn't all easy

He's a bloke!!!

Yes same here. He did sound like a twat though.

How were you living the dream? It's beautiful but it's still a job I have to show up to date and night. I don't have family to help.

It's been playing on my mind and the reason it's upset me this week is I've been invited out for drinks in February for another colleague who is leaving and now I'm sure I won't go. I'd love to go as I've been at the company many years and have good friends there.

Yet I'm too nervous to show up just for the 'work fun' when I'm not there day to day working with them and worried what people might think. I did have my children quite close together (was back a year) and wonder if this man thinks I'm ok mat leave longer than I'm at work. He joined after my first 5 years without any mat leave!

Feels like a holiday to me! I'm really loving it, plus the stress of going to work everyday is gone!

I do understand that it's different for everyone though and still not a great thing for him to say.

Yes to be fair there were days I literally couldn't believe I was getting paid to hang out in a coffee shop with my friend or binge watch a tv show while breastfeeding for 4 hours in a go. I almost felt guilty at times. I also managed to do a bit of travel and it was incredible. Obviously there were hard, long days but overall I just felt it was a lot more fulfilment, easier and nicer than work. I'm pregnant with my second and literally counting down the weeks to not bother with work again (I have found coming back so tedious and pointless and I really couldn't care less about some of the work my boss seems so passionate about). Also the juggle of work AND baby is about 10x harder than just being on mat leave where you have one job. Now it feels like I have 2 full time jobs

But I do have a high stress, corporate city job with high pay and high expectations if that makes any difference.

Finally enjoying the family I was so desperate for after years of fertility treatment. And compared to the years of high pressure approaching burnout in my career, being off with a child felt like a genuine break. Every circumstance is different though, and I wouldn’t expect others to feel the same!

GP, and if he comments put him well and truly in his place.

Though to be fair. I wouldn't like a childfree MAN to be calling it a holiday without understanding what's involved. That would piss me off

90% men are disgusting

Yes, it’s an ignorant comment and not true but to still be dwelling on it several weeks on kind of implies you have a lot of time on your hands to think, or that you like bearing a grudge.

As you will see on this thread, people's experiences of maternity leave can be vastly different. If you have a difficult baby that screams constantly and won't sleep and other young children too then this is going to be infinitely harder than someone with one 'easy' baby that sleeps and eats well. It can literally be like night and day. Hence some women will back the man's comments and find maternity leave easier than working and other people will find it the hardest time of their lives.

Ah come on OP- are you really going to let some throw away comment from someone who really has no insight into parenthood bother you for weeks on end and stop you from joining in on catch ups with colleagues- really?

Take it for what it was, either some clumsy attempt to make conversation or the words of someone who hasn't a clue what they are talking about.

Let it go and live your life without the words of some man taking up space in your head.

And you know what, maybe you are living the dream? Two healthy kids, paid maternity leave, a job to go back to. Yeah it's tough going but it's still what you wanted I presume, so in a way you are living your dream. No-one said it had to be easy!

My father in law makes comments like this. He's never looked after a child in his life, his wife did everything while he worked and played golf.

Did you also have a toddler? I think that's the game changer when it comes to how easy mat leave is. If you have a chilled baby who naps it can be pretty easy time but chuck a three year old in and a needy baby and it's a nightmare.

Yeah, me too. I did think it was easy though compared to working. I had three under three including a reflux baby who screamed all night (luckily my first). It was great. Its not like if you go to work you don't have to do all the child and home care stuff. You still have to do all that plus a full time job with commute.

YANBU OP.

Go to the other night out if you want, just ignore him.

Those first six months on my first (silent reflux) was the hardest period of my life, and I've been through plenty of other shit. The lack of sleep was soul destroying as was the complete lack of downtime.

My second was a little ray of sunshine who slept in reasonable stretches from the off. She was born during lockdown, my parent was dying and I had a toddler and it was still easier. Perhaps if she'd been my first I'd think maternity leave was a holiday, but in truth I think I would've struggled with the adjustment no matter how easy the baby.

He's an ignorant twat.
You will soon get a bunch of posters saying it was your choice to have children though.

I had this from a female colleague before I went on mat leave. She said she thought women who decided not to have children should also have ‘time off’ to read and garden and potter around, etc.

My midwife described mat leave as still work but a different kind of work to what most of us are used to, and it can take some adjusting to. It might be time off from your paid job, but it’s not time off work all together.

Maternity ( and paternity) leave is essential to a civilised society. It's not a holiday, even though many think it is.

I am lucky to have two DCs and be paid to look after DC2, I mentioned that. DC2 and me were in hospital for a week after birth, he's since caught RSV from DC1, so was back in hospital, feeding has been really tough, sleep is crippling me. Maybe I'm hormonal but it took a lot of energy and coordinating to get out that night. I was late as needed to put DCs down to bed first, make up done in 2 min flat, felt enormous and just so worried about DC2 reflux and staying out too late and being up all night, plus pressure on DH. It just didn't feel like living the dream then and the way he said I don't have work made it sound like I was kicking back with my feet up and drink in hand. Will forget him.

YY to paternity as well. I wish we had more paternity leave in the UK - my DH was amazing during his two weeks leave (and really misses his time with DS now).

Yep absolutely loved it both times! Juggling work and childcare has been WAY harder