People who think mat leave is a holiday

[makingdecisionsforme]

I went to a work dinner just before Christmas even though I'm on mat leave. A long time colleague was leaving and invited me along. Was great to catch up and see people.

One senior man (without kids) walked up to me at the bar and said 'are you living the dream right now?' Which I thought was an odd comment. Motherhood is beautiful but with 2 children, one being a 3 month old at the time at home, I'm not sure I'd describe it as 'living the dream'. Beautiful chaos perhaps?! :)

When it came to go home I said 'oh my it's getting late' and the same man said across someone 'well you don't have to work tomorrow'. That person who overheard said 'she has 2 kids'. I also said 'my working day starts in 2 hours'. Not that I need to justify myself but my 3 month old was going through the 4 month sleep regression, hadn't slept for longer than 3 hour stings over night for 2 weeks and was up all the night before and that night, with my 3 year old waking at 5.30am as usual.

I'm not living the dream or not working. I'm lucky to be a mum and be paid on maternity leave as many other countries don't afford this but AIBU to still be annoyed about it several weeks later?

I hope one day he has a reflux baby like mine and realises how hard it is. You try to solve it with infant gaviscon and that leads to constipation, try to counteract it with lactulose but forever worry you're getting the dose wrong, try omperazole only to be told it will decimate your LO gut health and make them more ill down the line, the mental load of it on no sleep is plenty of work!

Not the same as being in the office for 8.30, showered, dressed and contributing all day to a workshop which he had but I am not living the dream on a beach somewhere either!

Depends on how hard your job is and how easy the baby is. But I think for most people I know, maternity leave does feel like a bit of a holiday compared to the pressures of work (albeit a sleep-deprived one).

I had very difficult babies who didn't feed well and didn't sleep, but at least while I was still on maternity leave I could take things at my own pace with them.

It was much harder when I went back to work and was still feeding a small baby and not sleeping ... while having to be up and out at the crack of dawn to get the baby plus toddler to nursery. And then get myself to work looking vaguely presentable and trying to do a good job as well.

Parts of each of my maternity leaves were a dream, parts were difficult. I remember being pretty flabbergasted when a midwife in the first fortnight of having my newborn (who was a terrible terrible sleeper and had lots of issues with feeding) asked if I was okay as it was so hard, and I pointed out I was only looking after one child whereas at work I had 30 children, many of whom were very challenging, and who I also had to teach things too. There was just no comparison. I'm sure that's similar for many jobs.

Equally, some days with a newborn and a toddler, during COVID, were fairly awful. Even little things like finding a trolley with working straps for both chuldren used to frustrate me so much, especially because it felt like a frustration primarily for women. It's hard to compare it to work because it's just so different.

Same here. I did many things I couldn't during a work day. Coffees, running errands at less busy times, summer days in the park, off-peak gym, a hair appointment when everyone else is at work...
Child-rearing is challenging, but maternity leave was a fairly good time compared to juggling work and...

Same. I had 2 babies in 2 years and I called my mat leaves my 'baby holidays'. It was tiring and hard at times but I still had a great time.

Maternity leave is a break from your normal job. It's not nine months in the Maldives, and it's not easy, but it's still time off work and the stress that can come with it, and for good reason. If maternity leave were not the preferred option, everyone would go to work and pay for childcare, even those who receive statutory maternity pay.

However, I too found his comments unnecessary. They come from a jealous, misogynistic place, which is the problem. He is a complete bellend, and it's clear what type of person he is from his comments, so please ignore him. Dwelling on it is having the effect he intended, and why he and others like him make such comments. You will never change his views; you can only pity him and his rose-tinted view of the world and raising children.

Please embrace and enjoy your maternity leave, which you deserve and are entitled to. It goes so fast, and you will be back to work before you know it!

I've loved my maternity leave. I'm sure it's more tough with 2 but with 1 it's been a dream. Sure he doesn't sleep all that well but I know a lady who had to return to work at the 4 month mark due to money issues, she also has had sleep issues but has a full time job, commute and nursery issues to deal with. I'm here just baking, going on walks and playing with my baby.

Sorry but saying its a job is wrong... its life, you choose this life so stop comparing your challenging days to other people's challenging days. They are working and not handling a refluxy baby, sure, but who knows what they deal with when they walk through the door at home. Who's to say their lot is easier than you because you have a baby (that you chose) and they don't.

Calling maternity leave a job isn’t helping anyone. It’s parenting, which isn’t a job. He sounds annoying but you sound extremely defensive.

I felt like I was on holiday tbf when I was on mat leave. I don't sleep much anyway so I wasn't really affected by sleep deprivation I loved going for coffee /lunch with friends

It really was a lovely time for me

Well it depends on your baby. DC1 was a handful. She couldn't be put down and cried when pushed in a pram. DC2 was chilled and DC1 was in nursery three days a week. It was like a year long holiday with DC2. I watched a lot of TV series on Netflix, did lots of learning for work, and kept the house cleaned with elaborate home cooked meals. We went out to toddler groups when DC1 wasn't at nursery. DC2 slept, happy in her pram, or sat on my lap while DC1 was in toddler dance or gymnastics.

Even looking after cry-a-lot DC1 wasn't anything like my job. My work is so much more stressful.

Have some responses ready when people like this man without kids say stupid things.

How does everyone who found mat leave hard feel about sharing it with the father?

I honestly thought my maternity leave was going to be filled with me sitting on lovely park benches reading books while my child blissfully slept in his pram next to me.

I'm an idiot.

Having said that, I think that it IS very different to work. I was exhausted and, with a difficlt, collicky baby who didn't sleep, it was very stressful. But it was a very different experience to getting up to go to work.

I also had a few comments like that thrown at me at KIT days or work events while I was on mat leave. I used to laugh and say something like, "I'll tell you what, you get up at 4am with a screaming baby every day for 3 months and we'll talk again." or whatever.

I was very grateful when DH took extended paternity leave and then became a SAHD for a few years!

He was a twat, but I very much loved my materity leave. I much preferred being off with the baby than going to work.

Probably would have pissed me off too while I was on mat leave if someone said that when as you say you're up all night and exhausted but I can also see where they are coming from as it's a different type of stress. I had two non sleepers and took very short maternity leaves, the sleep deprivation on mat leave was hard but combining that with working a high pressure job when I went back was by far worse! Also, for me mat leave was the closest thing to an extended paid holiday I'm ever going to get so I can see why those without children or who get the bare minimum of paternity leave are a bit resentful, especially when you have had two long leaves almost back to back and they are stuck at work, it's just human nature to feel that way but you're obviously entitled to it so don't give it too much thought and just be grateful for your paid mat leave and your babies.

It is a change though, a chance to live a completely different life for a while.

Same! I had this crazy idea I would write my masters dissertation whilst on mat leave. Friends who had children already laughed at me. Now I know why! First was very tough due to reflux and allergies, 2nd was like a dream/holiday compared to the first, even though I was trying to home school oldest due to the pandemic closing schools at the sane time as looking after DD2.

Unfortunately as a parent you get many judging comments, on everything from whether you can breastfeed to how your child did in the class spelling test.

You have to learn to 'do you', it took until my 2nd was born to figure this out, with my first I used to dwell on these comments for days and days. Now we make decisions we are happy with and the world can judge away and I don't give a hoot.

He was probably just trying to make conversation, but for me mat leave was one of the best and easiest times of my life. Of course it's dependent on baby and other life circumstances. I have 1dc (13). They were a very chilled baby, slept through (8hours from 12 weeks), was rarely sick. We spent our days in cafes, at baby groups, shopping, socialising with friends. My parents lived in the Med at that point and dd and I travelled out and spent 2 weeks at a time there from when dd was 2 months. We went out 4 times that year. It got much harder when I went back and had to juggle a demanding job and parenting.

Parenting absolutely is work, it's just not paid work. We all know how unappreciated women's unpaid labour is, whether it's caring for children or elderly relatives or anyone else. There's something quite unfeminist about saying maternity leave or any other childcare isn't work.

I don't agree it's 'work' no. Nor do I agree that it's a 'job'.

It's hard, very hard (all too aware of that) but I would never refer to parenting as these things no.

I mean, you could literally be living his dream. Not having kids doesn't mean he doesn't want them.

My partner is a very involved dad and even he admitted he hadn't realised what my days were like until we switched to shared parental leave and he did a stint of it all day every day while I swanned off to the office. He never complained that I hadn't got loads done, but he didn't realise how full on my days could be until he lived them.

I've already said that DH took a month of shared parental leave when I went back to work both times. Highly highly recommend it, both for an easier time returning to work, and to resettle the parenting balance.

The early days of c section recovery and EBFing obviously can't be shared.

Goodness me OP it was just a throwaway conversation from a childless colleague who's never experienced mat leave or parenthood, no need to overthink it 🤦‍♀️

Not nice to wish reflux on a little baby even if it doesn't exist!