People who think mat leave is a holiday

[makingdecisionsforme]

I went to a work dinner just before Christmas even though I'm on mat leave. A long time colleague was leaving and invited me along. Was great to catch up and see people.

One senior man (without kids) walked up to me at the bar and said 'are you living the dream right now?' Which I thought was an odd comment. Motherhood is beautiful but with 2 children, one being a 3 month old at the time at home, I'm not sure I'd describe it as 'living the dream'. Beautiful chaos perhaps?! :)

When it came to go home I said 'oh my it's getting late' and the same man said across someone 'well you don't have to work tomorrow'. That person who overheard said 'she has 2 kids'. I also said 'my working day starts in 2 hours'. Not that I need to justify myself but my 3 month old was going through the 4 month sleep regression, hadn't slept for longer than 3 hour stings over night for 2 weeks and was up all the night before and that night, with my 3 year old waking at 5.30am as usual.

I'm not living the dream or not working. I'm lucky to be a mum and be paid on maternity leave as many other countries don't afford this but AIBU to still be annoyed about it several weeks later?

I hope one day he has a reflux baby like mine and realises how hard it is. You try to solve it with infant gaviscon and that leads to constipation, try to counteract it with lactulose but forever worry you're getting the dose wrong, try omperazole only to be told it will decimate your LO gut health and make them more ill down the line, the mental load of it on no sleep is plenty of work!

Not the same as being in the office for 8.30, showered, dressed and contributing all day to a workshop which he had but I am not living the dream on a beach somewhere either!

He sounds like a bit of a turd but I think stewing about it weeks later and avoiding another meet up, is a bit much.
People say stupid things all the time. You need to learn to let go and just live your life.

My mat leave was a dream. I got to sleep in, lazy teas everyday, walks, the beach, breweries with the baby. Yes I had to wake up a few times during the night for a while, but I didn’t find that all that difficult. I would call it a vacation compared to working everyday.

How like a man to comment so confidently on a subject he knows nothing about.

I was thinking that too. Along with the comment 'I got the impression that she thought .....'. So she was a mindreader then, it's very likely that DH colleague had absolutely no thoughts about this lady at all, I'm sure she had much better things to think about, being 'career driven' and all!

I also envied everyone who had got ready at the office and walked across the road vs me who was doing my hair during the 9am morning nap, second nap choosing between my own nap as I was exhausted or making food and finding an outfit.... then he only napped for 20 min late afternoon so had no time to get ready. Was sick on my first outfit and couldn't find anything else to wear. Rocked up 3 hours after everyone else. Was watching the clock wondering how much sleep I might get before the hourly wakes kicked in.

Yes, but this time next year you may be doing the next run first, the day in the office, and then still clock watching before hourly wakes kick in (mine both slept better when young & even during the 4m regression, than a year later). Then back to the office first thing on 3 hours broken sleep rather than a day at home with naps.

Rubbish sleep is tricky, but I also found maternity leave 'living the dream'. For my first, it really was like a holiday! Even with newborn sleep, snatching naps in the day meant I got much more sleep than in my stressful job. Second time around, I was more tired but it was still one of the best and easiest times of my life. Even with a colicky, bottle refusing insomniac.

He was still being an idiot though.

This!
As a working mum, I have found some SAHM's quite judgemental
"you returned to work when they were how old!!!" (Look of shock and horror at me returning when 14 months old)
"my priority is my children rather than my career" -mine is too love, but children need and house and food, and the best one
"does your husband not earn enough that you can't stay at home, you have to work, you poor thing"

We are all 'full time mums', they don't have another mum who takes over halfway through the week, it's not a jobshare type of thing 🤣

It's fair to say there are pros and cons to both.

With work Monday-Friday is harder but no matter how little sleep or how hungover he was, on the Friday night he would have had the option to sleep 8 hours straight, and throughout the weekend. Also he had annual leave over the Christmas break.

Being a mum I still haven't had the luxury of most than a 4 hour stretch of sleep since that night. No annual leave or weekends.

That was relating to my original post and replies. Not the recent sahm vs working mum sub thread.

Tbf, unless your breastfeeding with a bottle refuser (like my second), you can have a break and some sleep unless single. We alternated nights with my first and I got an unbroken night sleep every other night. Got my first 4 hour block at just before 2 with my insomniac bottle refuser.

Point is, you have a partner. Share the nights if you can.

@Babyboomtastic that's such a good idea. We did something similar in newborn days with expressed milk for one feed and split the night so I did the next feed direct.

DC2 doesn't need night feeds now he's 4 months 8+ kg.

Will suggest to DH tonight we sleep on separate rooms over the weekend as with DC2 home it's busy.

@Babyboomtastic I 100% agree with this, my partner and I did the same - we have alternated nights since the day our son was born and it makes the world of difference, I think sleep deprivation must be a key factor in your wellbeing after you have a baby, and if you're in a lucky position where you have a partner who can share this with you and allow you to get a full nights sleep every other night then it's a game changer

Good luck with your baby getting the message of no night feeds any more! Took 15m with my first (bottles) and 2.5 with my second (boobs).

The 4m/8kg thing is just the age where their body is physically capable of waiting without it damaging them, but what they will want to or are likely to do.

I think if that's your expectation, then you're setting yourself up for a lot of frustration as for most babies it's very unrealistic.

That would annoy me too but I would have been too sleep deprived to even go to a work do. I have a 4 month old who woke up every 90 minutes last night.

Rationally speaking:

Living the dream - not a bad comment

The comment about not having work in the morning- quite insensitive, everyone knows babies keep you up all night so YANBU on that.

Also, it's not just men who think that. I've had 2 female childless colleagues tell me they can't wait to have kids so they can get a break and chill for a while. The "chill" comment is particularly hilarious 😂I didn't say anything, I'll let them find out on their own.

I got a massive break on mat leave and spent loads of it chilling.

Not all of it but it's not that outlandish an expectation.

That's quite mean. I'm not saying it's not an ill thought out comment but saying that to someone when you don't know their circumstances, for example infertility or serious illness, is quite mean.

It was my maternity leave with my first baby back in 1995 that made me realise that it wasn't actually a holiday. That it would be hard work and eventually I would be going back to work for the rest.

Before I experienced for myself the chaos that having a baby brings I might have thought that maternity leave would be a breeze, but I am very relieved looking back that I never actually said that. I now know I would have been laughed out of town.

I did enjoy my maternity leave once things had settled after the (traumatic) birth and was actually quite sad when the time came to go back to work, but things were still hard.

Having a baby is a culture shock, especially the first time. The next culture shock often comes when you are trying to deal with a toddler and a newborn simultaneously and can't just "sleep when the baby sleeps."

OP's colleague sounds clueless perhaps. Maybe a twat but not necessarily. Perhaps one day he will become a parent and he may then realise just how twatty he sounded.

It is meant to be to be a little mean. It is a retort to an annoying comment.

I’ve seen many women go on mat leave in my time and the majority of them have described it as exactly this. Many of them talked incessantly through their (2nd and 3rd) pregnancies about how much they were looking forward to their baby holiday.

It seems to me sometimes that it’s only MN where it’s a literal hellscape and everyone who doesn’t get that is a naive fool.

That really annoys me. Men have no right to comment on this. Ds2 won't be put down during the day so I can't do crafts and rest. It's not all fun and games. Work is 100 times easier.

Right. I can't really respond to that.

Yeah my DD has a very young baby and don't think she feels as though she's" living the dream" Easy baby so far ( born after Xmas so very young) but I think she is looking forward to return to work

Mat leave is a break from the workplace - a break from meetings and deadlines and office politics and performance management reviews and commuting. It was a break I was looking forward to but never got the opportunity sadly.

@Babyboomtastic DS2 hasn't had a night feed for several weeks. So all good there. Just dream feed at 10.30pm but tbh he's still not starving at 7am so will move it to 10pm
So we can get to bed earlier.

I hated maternity leave. Work is easier and I teach 30 5&6 year olds. I too had reflux babies. I did use omprezole with both of them and they are now 5 & 8 with no digestive issues. Maybe go back to your GP and discuss as it really helped. With both kids we saw a paediatrician. As for your colleague there's always one clueless idiot. It's probably annoying you more because you are sleep deprived. Also your probably in the house more it seems like a bigger deal. My anxiety was always worse when I was at home with my kids as there wasn't as much to think about or as many distractions. That's not to take away from the work load at home but I definitely overthink things when I'm in the house. Really try not to waste time on this thoughtless idiot and enjoy some much needed time out.

@fitzwilliamdarcy ok....so I'm just a mumsnet troll whose experience doesn't count because my I don't think mat leave is a chill break? Because every single woman i know finds having a baby hard, especially their first. It may not be hell but I've never heard anyone call it a baby holiday, or say it's easy.

I didn't comment on my colleague's comments because I know experiences vary and personal circumstances come into massively, some women do have a great time. If I chose to formula feed and had someone to babysit, my life would be entirely different right now.