People who think mat leave is a holiday

[makingdecisionsforme]

I went to a work dinner just before Christmas even though I'm on mat leave. A long time colleague was leaving and invited me along. Was great to catch up and see people.

One senior man (without kids) walked up to me at the bar and said 'are you living the dream right now?' Which I thought was an odd comment. Motherhood is beautiful but with 2 children, one being a 3 month old at the time at home, I'm not sure I'd describe it as 'living the dream'. Beautiful chaos perhaps?! :)

When it came to go home I said 'oh my it's getting late' and the same man said across someone 'well you don't have to work tomorrow'. That person who overheard said 'she has 2 kids'. I also said 'my working day starts in 2 hours'. Not that I need to justify myself but my 3 month old was going through the 4 month sleep regression, hadn't slept for longer than 3 hour stings over night for 2 weeks and was up all the night before and that night, with my 3 year old waking at 5.30am as usual.

I'm not living the dream or not working. I'm lucky to be a mum and be paid on maternity leave as many other countries don't afford this but AIBU to still be annoyed about it several weeks later?

I hope one day he has a reflux baby like mine and realises how hard it is. You try to solve it with infant gaviscon and that leads to constipation, try to counteract it with lactulose but forever worry you're getting the dose wrong, try omperazole only to be told it will decimate your LO gut health and make them more ill down the line, the mental load of it on no sleep is plenty of work!

Not the same as being in the office for 8.30, showered, dressed and contributing all day to a workshop which he had but I am not living the dream on a beach somewhere either!

Shared Parental Leave isn't perfect, but it's a great tool if you're still on maternity leave. DH took a month when I went back to work and it was brilliant for all of us.

When I was younger I planned to write novel while on mat leave.
Obviously that didn't happen.
You live and learn!

Wow, I don't know how you found 3 under 3 and a baby with reflux easy. It just shows how we are all so different and find different things hard/easy.

I completely bought into the idea that maternity leave should be easy so I was utterly shocked when it turned out to be so difficult! I didn't have an 'easy' job either so it's not like I was used to having it easy. The relentlessness of it all and the loneliness was awful.

It’s clumsy and a bit of an old fashioned type comment but I really don’t get why you’re so worked up by it. Having had a reflux baby, me having to go back into hospital a week after birth and a baby that had an operation at only a couple of months old I can still say it was far better than being at work. Of course it’s hard, unbelievably at times but in comparison to most jobs I’d argue it’s living the dream. I really like my job and what I do but given the choice between that and spending time with my family it’s not even close.

Obviously it's no walk in the park bringing up a baby but I do personally agree it felt like a lovely holiday/break from the rigid structure of work. I spaced my kids out so for each one I was alone with the baby (eldest in reception by the time second came along) so I didn't have to content with multiple small children which would have made it much more tricky! I adored my mat leaves and was so gutted to have to go back full time in each case.

@Cornflakes44 - no toddler, so fully expect my second mat leave to be harder in many ways. But overall it's hell dealing with a 3 hour commute round commute a day and both of us doing 4/5 days in the office in London as well as juggling child care and the constant nursery illness and absence this winter, so while I know it will be harder I'm looking forward to being able to just concentrate on mothering rather than spreading myself so thin with a full time job too. Also I'm privileged enough to be able to afford to keep my toddler in nursery during my Mat leave so that will definitely help the stress levels. I do also think this is lifestyle choice though so you do just have to crack on with it. It's an absolute privilege to have this opportunity.

For what it's worth though, I had zero help during Mat leave and my husband was out 7am-8pm every day for work so I was entirely on my own so not just being a dick and completely 'oh mat leave is a wonderful experience' even though I just had one. I also had fertility issues and ivf for many years so I think I also spent a lot of the year just in awe I had reached the stage of being able to have a mat leave.

Both my DC slept well and I had a great time on my mat leaves. They were a holiday for me.

Going back to work and juggling school/nursery runs was 100 times harder. There was no wfh at that time and you couldn’t take too much time off ‘sick’. My DD caught everything in the first year of nursery including chicken pox. I think I spent at least 2 years constantly ill myself.

Everyone’s experience is different though so I wouldn’t take your colleagues comment to heart or let it stop you from going on more nights out. From his point of view you’ve chosen to have kids and are now having paid time off work - that is living the dream for a lot people.

Yes same for me. It wasn't always easy but in comparison to my normal job which is incredibly demanding and stressful it really was a dream!

I'd probably be pissed off at a man saying that but I did feel like it was an extended holiday, it was great!

I'd never refer to parenting as a job or work, it sounds like it's under duress and an obligation rather than a choice.

Depends on the job and depends on the baby obviously. But if you're used to the pressure of a corporate job or something like the emergency services and you have an easier baby I can absolutely see how it feels like a holiday.

I have a friend like that. Her normal job is the stereotypical high pressure, long hours, juggling multiple demands, commuting and travelling all over the place type of role but she says her two maternity leaves have been an absolute dream in comparison.

Of course if you job is less pressured and your baby has high needs then it will feel very different.

I mean...it sort of was a holiday for me. I had worked full time for 20 years with the usual amount of annual leave every year, half of which gets used up for necessary tasks, a quarter for family and weddings, and then a summer holiday abroad. I never ever had a day off just to be at home or pottering around, let alone a week, or a month or six months. Maternity leave was amazing to me - just walking through the park on a Tuesday at 11am, or not having to run out the door on a bitterly cold morning in the dark.

I loved having that time off. It was much easier than full time work, and I can absolutely see why someone who has worked full time for twenty years and is looking at another twenty with no break would see it as a good deal. Especially if they haven't had a baby or dealt with the juggle of returning to work, nursery etc.

Tbh it was the 'you don't have work tomorrow comment' which got me. I thought the 'living the dream' comment was just odd.

Essentially he was getting ready to go home and when I said I better go too, he said I don't have work. Implying I could stay out should I wish too, he doesn't have a choice. At 11pm I certainly couldn't have stayed out much longer as baby was up from midnight every hour. In fact as I walked through the door I did a dummy run and again at 1am and so on.

If you want mothers back in the workplace- and we do because we don't have enough tax payers- it would be wise to not sneer at maternity leave or call it a privilege. It's a necessity.

You're not working, you're parenting.

I had 2 children 2 years apart, so I returned from Mat leave the first time in feb 2021 and left again for Mat leave in august 2022. So not completely back to back but pretty close.

When I returned after my second Mat leave, I was standing in a 3 me and two younger lads in there 20's one I'd never met before and the new lad asked me if I was new, and I said no I've just come back of Mat leave and the other lad who knew me from before turned round and went, her second Mat leave in 2 years she's shooting them out, and opened his news and made a repeated dropping motion with his hand gesturing babies flying out of me if you can imagine that. Gross.

I was shocked and actually pretty mad, I just said I actually had a c-section both times but thanks for that. I never reported it at the time, which was stupid because we work in a supermarket and where we were standing was right infront of a camera so it would have been recorded, I still don't like him.

I meant opened his legs

You're reading too much into it

You don't have to work tomorrow do you.
I would never consider looking after my child work.
Yes sure it doesn't mean you don't have to be back by a good time or whatever but you're letting this bother you far too much

Tbf, you are living your dream are you not? You wanted a child and you want to be on maternity leave to care for them. As understanding as I am of the hard work involved in caring for small children (I had three- it's tough) it's something we choose to do instead of our jobs for a time, we are not forced into it and I'm not sure we should expect our colleagues to see it as 'work' in the way they think of their paid jobs. Your colleague spoke out of turn, but that doesn't justify hoping his future child suffers problems.

That was how I felt about it. I really enjoyed it. Joined local clubs etc. Obviously other people have different experiences but mine was great. Not all sunshine and flowers but mostly.

I think that this is a general joke that people say when women go off on mat leave though. I doubt he meant it vindictively

The thing is, when mat leave finishes, you still have the kids. So working child free is obviously easier than working with primary responsibity for kids. Having kids on mat leave I find easier than having kids and working. But I have easy kids and a hard job, other people have different strengths!

If you're finding it tough then I can see why it hit a nerve, but I do think you're being oversensitive. I adored mat leave and very much viewed it as a holiday. He's possibly childfree or his partner maybe had an easier time of it - he's not to know it isn't like that for you.

Well it is a sort of holiday in that's a break from work.

Yes it can be exhausting and relentless and all that but it's very different to the mental pressure of work and having to show up and be responsible to other people in a way you can get into trouble for not doing.

Doesn't sound like a comment work taking on board really.

OP, you are in a hard stage now and this thread will not help. It will get better pretty soon.

I wasn't lonely because I was out every day at some sort of baby group with lots of other mums to socialise with. Reflux baby was the first so only had that one keeping me up all night. Also had a terrier who was the hardest work of the lot 😀

I also didn't think of having babies as a job
When mine were born in the 70s and 80s maternity leave was 6 weeks after birth..I saved some money so I could afford to take 3 months off. It also had to be accrued, which took several years. When ex H worked days I worked nights. Same with second DH and baby 4. I wasn't expecting to have to return to work at 3 months after having her, but ex H had left me with huge debts, and second h was made redundant and debts appeared from ex wife.