People who think mat leave is a holiday

[makingdecisionsforme]

I went to a work dinner just before Christmas even though I'm on mat leave. A long time colleague was leaving and invited me along. Was great to catch up and see people.

One senior man (without kids) walked up to me at the bar and said 'are you living the dream right now?' Which I thought was an odd comment. Motherhood is beautiful but with 2 children, one being a 3 month old at the time at home, I'm not sure I'd describe it as 'living the dream'. Beautiful chaos perhaps?! :)

When it came to go home I said 'oh my it's getting late' and the same man said across someone 'well you don't have to work tomorrow'. That person who overheard said 'she has 2 kids'. I also said 'my working day starts in 2 hours'. Not that I need to justify myself but my 3 month old was going through the 4 month sleep regression, hadn't slept for longer than 3 hour stings over night for 2 weeks and was up all the night before and that night, with my 3 year old waking at 5.30am as usual.

I'm not living the dream or not working. I'm lucky to be a mum and be paid on maternity leave as many other countries don't afford this but AIBU to still be annoyed about it several weeks later?

I hope one day he has a reflux baby like mine and realises how hard it is. You try to solve it with infant gaviscon and that leads to constipation, try to counteract it with lactulose but forever worry you're getting the dose wrong, try omperazole only to be told it will decimate your LO gut health and make them more ill down the line, the mental load of it on no sleep is plenty of work!

Not the same as being in the office for 8.30, showered, dressed and contributing all day to a workshop which he had but I am not living the dream on a beach somewhere either!

I think you need to have a few lighthearted (but pointedly true!) comments up your sleeve for situations like this. Some people genuinely don't have a clue that some days are very hard with a baby, and others are just resentful of maternity leave and pay.

he’s a dick. 🙋‍♀️my first (now 2.5) had terrible reflux and we used gaviscon and omprezole. I managed (luck I think) to get the gaviscon dose just right such that she did solid but soft poos (I used windy pipes to encourage things) I’d say try reducing the dose of gaviscon. We used gaviscon till about 6 months and then just omprezole till (I can’t recall maybe 9 months). My little girl has been totally fine and not aware any lasting issues. The reflux itself was horrendous and really affected her sleep. I’ve got a 4 month old now, no reflux and it’s night and day. I could easily manage twins of this compared to my eldest. Happy to chat if you’d like

And to add I remember about 4 months in my DP asking me if I missed the mental stimulation of work. I replied I’d never been so stimulated in my life (pre baby I had a senior city job and did a masters alongside, I’ve also setup my own businesses, renovated property etc). My first baby was without doubt the most challenging thing I’ve ever done, physically and mentally. And I think the reflux was one of the main reasons. In between all the care I was reading research papers and forums to try to work out best way to do things as Drs were quite rubbish. It’s no bloody holiday! By contrast my 2nd baby is a lovely happy bundle who fell into a routine and generally only wakes once overnight.

It's ignorant but I wouldn't have given it a second thought. Your response was perfect, now let it go.

Don't miss out the farewell drinks in Feb if it's a friend for this tiny thing (if you want to go otherwise).

Sorry, but it also felt like a holiday and a dream to me everytime I did it (yes, also when the others were toddlers) and so I don't think he is wrong for saying it. It might not be your experience, but it's not so unusual by any stretch that be is wrong to make a casual remark in that direction.

Also... it's very much not a job?! It might be stuff that needs to be done and it might be worthwhile and all that but it's... not a job at all. Not everything needs to be a job to matter.

That was my thought too, I do have a tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt though.

He may desperately want children and his partner be struggling to conceive, and so to him, having 2 children would be 'living the dream'. My SIL really struggled to conceive, and then when she finally did, she miscarried, I know it would be her dream to have what DH and I have - 2 healthy amazing daughters, despite DD1 sending me doo-lally with exhaustion. It's really tough when you are in the middle of it, but after you can look back and think 'I'm really lucky, and that experience made me stronger and wiser'. Not that I would wish a reflux baby on anyone!

'Living the dream' doesn't necessarily mean 'having it easy'. It can mean 'getting what you always wanted'.

I also know, as a person who gets extremely nervous in social situations, I have a habit of saying the wrong thing when trying to be nice, and then kicking myself after 'why did you say that you idiot'. For a while I went through a phase of being quiet to try to avoid saying the wring thing, and my boss told me I came across as stand offish. So now I try my best and hope that my colleagues know me well enough to not judge me if I say something unintentionally offensive.

She means because it's some people's dream to have a baby so when they have one they would feel like they were living their dream is all. Don't be so se sensitive. We're all knackered and hormonal when we've had our babies, he sounds a bit of a wally but he's a single bloke with no kids, he doesn't get it who cares.

I was living the dream, on the whole.

When people say things like this to me, I just say something like ‘I know, I’m really lucky’ and give them a sympathetic look.

I’m certainly not going to compete in the ‘who has the toughest life’ competition as it is not something I would ever want to win.

Not excusing his ignorant comments, but it sounds like he was just making incredibly bland and unimaginative small talk. The old tropes for lack anything better to say. I wouldn’t give it another thought.

It's an ignorant comment.

Some women love mat leave. Some hate it. Some (me!) swing around and around between the two in a single day. I have a really vivid memory of my 3 month old waking up from his nap and me saying to myself "it's ok, only 270 minutes until his next nap, thats 27 lots of 10 minutes" and literally counting down the minutes. I also have a vivid memory of picking him up and stroking his cheek and thinking that this might actually be the single best moment of my entire life. All of this to say, maternity leave is different, difficult and wonderful - but it's bang out of order to comment on someone else's experience of it or try to make out like they're having it easy.

I also don't really get the "you have a wanted baby, of course you're living the dream" responses". I loved my DC as babies, but didn't enjoy that stage all that much. My dream wasn't to have a baby, it was to have a child. Everything from 2 onwards was living the dream, although by then I had to also work. So, any weekend or holiday from 2 years onwards was living the dream. The baby years were the necessary step to get there.

Some women love it, some hate it, some “meh” it.
Some have lovely, easy, reflux and colic free, chilled out babies and only one child at that. Others do not.

Juggling work and a baby (and other children) is hard, but for me I was ready to go back to work. When my toddler is at nursery she’s someone else’s problem. When I’m at work I get up and go to the toilet when I need to, I drink my drinks hot, I speak to other adults, I engage my brain in activities that aren’t nursery rhymes, when I want a break I take one, and I get paid a salary for it. And this break keeps me sane and makes me a better, more engaged mum as a result.

So he’s ignorant really. I’d have been annoyed too. Mostly that someone so clueless is in a managerial role.

I was a sahp. When meeting anyone who asked me if I 'worked', I'd respond: 'yes, I work 24/7 as a mother'. It was only when they started school that I had a few hours break - and filled most of that time with laundry, cleaning, walking the dog etc, though did manage to get to the gym some mornings after drop off!
I remember a very career oriented work colleague of my DH. Always looked very glam, very organised, pristine house. She was very nice but I always got the impression she thought I was living the easy life. Then she had twins. Next time I saw her she was dressed in comfy joggers, hair a mess, a few dishes in the sink... oh, yes she found out what it's really like!

Next time I saw her she was dressed in comfy joggers, hair a mess, a few dishes in the sink... oh, yes she found out what it's really like!

Or her priorities simply changed?

Or that's how she happened to look on that particular day?

You sound a bit gloaty here at the thought she may not have been coping well.

'Living the dream' is not 'being on holiday'. You've said yourself that you feel 'motherhood is beautiful' - you are able to devote yourself fully to something you find 'beautiful' - if that isn't living your dream, what is?

Very interesting replies and quite the split to begin with but on the whole it's been eye opening to see so many actually do see maternity leave as living the dream.

I'm not sure I'd describe my first maternity leave as that but I did enjoy it more than being at work. And couldn't wait to be on mat leave again.

I think it's all relative isn't it because the same man was telling the table about his luxury Christmas break he had planned to Zanzibar, I was so jealous! A business class flight without kids to a luxury resort. Bliss! I also envied everyone who had got ready at the office and walked across the road vs me who was doing my hair during the 9am morning nap, second nap choosing between my own nap as I was exhausted or making food and finding an outfit.... then he only napped for 20 min late afternoon so had no time to get ready. Was sick on my first outfit and couldn't find anything else to wear. Rocked up 3 hours after everyone else. Was watching the clock wondering how much sleep I might get before the hourly wakes kicked in.

I must say my Friday (the day after) was a lot easier than going into the office! DH wfh and took DC1 to nursery, I paid for him to go in as plenty kids were out on holidays already and there was space. DH also took DC2 at some point in the afternoon and I had 3 hours worth of baby naps to myself.

Swings and roundabouts.

and that's your reaction to someone you thought was very nice who invited into their home finding twins hard work? you sound lovely.

Maternity leave with 3 small children was often easier than teaching 30 five year olds, I have to say. BUT he sounds like an arse for saying that!

Next time I saw her she was dressed in comfy joggers, hair a mess, a few dishes in the sink... oh, yes she found out what it's really like!

Blimey-that sounds so bitchy. She invites you round to her house and that's how you describe her!?

Mat leave is not a holiday, but it does sound like you've had a tough time in the early days through illness etc and are maybe overthinking the comments more than you normally would.

And whilst it's definitely not a holiday, personally I found it a lot easier than work both times. And definitely a lot easier than combining work with children!! I think the grass is always greener though, I do remember finding some days on mat leave a bit samey and whilst stressful, work was something different during the day.

As others have said, this sounds a bit bitchy!

Also the bit about working full time as a mother just feels like you had a chip on your shoulder. I am also a full time mother. I just happen to have a job as well. But obvs don't have the luxury of using their school time to do housework and go to the gym because I'm at work!

Well my babies were really difficult and didn’t sleep well but I still had to deal with that when I went back to work. Mat leave was a holiday in comparison to juggling childcare, work, housework etc. all the chores, food prep etc still needed doing but in less hours. Plus trying to get my baby brain to function at work. Hardest years of my life when I had little ones.

The first maternity leave did feel a bit like a holiday to me (the first month before the baby was born) and for the last 6 mths of it. Ok there days when I was tired but nothing like being tired and having to work all day.

The second maternity leave was nothing like a holiday due to the activity and schedule of DD1 and also looking after a newborn. I was happy to go back to work!

Yes! On both occasions, the weeks after finishing work and before having the baby were some of the best weeks of my life! No better feeling.

Actually after 6 months old maternity leave was great. We were sleeping, the routine wasn't as rigorous and in my case the summer rolled around.

I thought mat leave would be a holiday, even bought a language course convinced I would finally have time to learn a second language. Well I got a bit of a shock but I try to remember it when people make comments like that, if you don’t know then you don’t know.

My second lot of mat leave was so completely blighted by a difficult baby and horrendous PND that I probably would have had a breakdown at those types of comments though but again if you haven’t experienced it then you don’t understand so just let it wash over you and ignore.