AIBU husband upsetting me 5 months pregnant

[hellogoodbye91]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4, no children (just yet!)

We have had a couple of losses the last 3 years but finally conceived our much-wanted rainbow baby in September and I’m now 20 weeks pregnant.

He has always been a good husband. However, recently he seems to resent absolutely everything I do.

Today’s example: As it’s currently snowing/icy (has been for last 3 days) and I work from home. I’ve been staying in right now, because I’m scared of driving on the ungritted roads, or slipping on pavements full of black ice.

As I’ve had losses before, I’m quite anxious and have had additional mental health support for this pregnancy.

We usually buy our groceries separate as DH doesn’t like to eat meals together (he doesn’t eat carbs) and so today, as he was already going to get his grocery shop and our household bits, I asked him if he could get me 10 items from the shop for me to eat while he was there, as I had ran out of food.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

His argument is that I should have just gotten a grocery delivery in and that he “didn’t necessarily need his stuff straight away” so it was putting him out to go. But personally, even if he wasn’t going straight away, I think it’s the least a husband can do is to pick some bits up for his pregnant wife while he goes to get stuff for himself. Don’t know if I’m alone there.

Anyway, flash forward to him coming back from the shops and I run to the door to open it for him in case he’s struggling with bags. Straight away he berates me and says I’m no help anyway and that he’s had to traipse around finding “obscure” items for me (it was items like bread, ham, pasta and a few frozen bits).

He then, quite literally, throws the receipt down in front of me and says the least I can do is sort that out and pay him now.

Bearing in mind, while he was out I did the dishes, dried the dishes and put the clothes washing away, but I got berated because I “don’t do anything.” He told me he did a spring clean of the cupboards earlier on “for me” and that I should have been doing that myself - he says he has to do everything for me and that he has run around all night after work doing stuff for me (the cupboards - which I never asked him to do - and the shop).

I work myself in the day, Monday-Friday, 9-5, and last weekend spent my time spring cleaning multiple rooms myself. However, he says “I don’t do anything”.

I started to get really upset at this point and asked him why he was seeking out an argument with his pregnant wife. He will never just let something drop once he’s in a mood and he doesn’t let me being pregnant stop him - he’ll have at me regardless.

AIBU to be really angry and upset here. I am so disappointed. I honestly feel as though he just resents me existing right now.

What the hell have I just read?

Once the baby arrives the issue of 'stuff for me', 'stuff for him', and perception of who isn't doing enough is going to be a thousand times worse. Have you sit down and talked about how you are going to look after each other and the baby once it is here? Really would recommend investing a lot of time in that discussion, as you don't seem to be working as a team now and it is only going to get harder.

His whole attitude to you is horrible as a wife, let alone a pregnant one. Really doesn't sound like he sees you as a team at all.

You two are in no position to be having a baby together.

This doesn’t sound like a marriage - all the different food and money etc exactly how will you being on maternity leave work

Honestly where to begin?

1. Why do you do separate food shops? You live together and are married, even if you eat different meals (quite weird to be this separate) surely each individual shouldn't have to go to buy their own items? Do you have your own cupboards/ shelves in the fridge?

1. How do your finances work? How will they work when you are on maternity leave?

1. He sounds like a complete pig how can you cope being "married" to him, it sounds as though he holds you in contempt. Please tell me you have support for when the baby arrives as I worry for you with this as your husband. This sounds more like room mates who don't get along as opposed to husband and wife.

I am half funding my own maternity via savings and then he will fund the other half. We basically split absolutely everything 50/50 bar mortgage and gas/electric as I earn more, so we ratio those.

It's funny you say that as I have often said that I feel more like roommates than a married couple whenever he gets this way.

This cannot be real. If it is, and you want to stay with this nightmare challenging partner then you need to be having serious discussions about how your lives will work once baby is here. The first year can be tough going, sleep deprivation alone can really make it hard to be rational sometimes. Your partner already sounds not the most reasonable of people, and without compromise and support you could find life with a small baby difficult at times.

Would he be open to discussion? As working as a team as previous posters have said is so important when you’re in the trenches with babycare. And you’re both not really pulling together here.

Hang on. So you’re married, together 10 years and his first thought if you ask for something from the shop is to stress you need to pay him back? I’m all for separate finances and having independence but this takes the biscuit. Get a joint Monzo account for groceries and tell him to get used to it - there will be a lot more joint grocery shopping when you are stuck cluster feeding a baby and there are no delivery slots free for a few days.

You are right to be upset, this man doesn’t sound like he’s part of your team and you really need to act as on sooner rather than later. Honestly OP, my heart goes out to you in this one.

Oh god I feel for you OP.
Like a pp said, this tit for tat is going to be 100x worse when the baby is here and you are sleep deprived.
Why on earth do you have to pay him back? who will be doing the baby's shopping. and caring, feeding etc?

Oh sweet Jesus I can’t believe that is your life !
what sort of husband makes his wife pay him back for food ???

what weird husband eats separately ??
who the fuck doesn’t eat carbs !!!
he sounds mean , nasty and I can’t fathom why you are with him

sorry but can you go live with parents or someone who is going to care for you ?

Do you not have a joint account for bills? You don't need one pot for everything but things like groceries, mortgage and utilities should come out of one account surely?

Aside from that he sounds like an idiot.

This really sounds awful OP. How is any of this going to work when the baby arrives? Why are your finances so separate that you would need to pay him back for groceries? How are you going to fund maternity leave? Who pays for the baby's food, or childcare? Why is he treating you with such a lack of care and respect? Honestly there are so many red flags here.

Sounds like he needs to eat some carbs and stop being such a miserable dickhead!

And they lived happily ever after...- well no. Prepare for a bumpy road.
Sort a plan for a life that's yours As a dingle parent. And your child's future. You'll need it. Good luck.

What sort of husband makes his wife pay him back for food? A fucking twatty one. OP, run as far and fast as you can. He's an abusive prick and the baby is only going to magnify that

You sound like flatmates, and he’s the tight arse one who doesn’t pay his way and doesn’t do his fair share households chores, but makes a song and dance about everything he does do.
How this arrangement is going to work with a baby is a minefield, imagine if you have a c section and a tricky recovery, you will need care, compassion and rest, and more importantly someone who will be in your team!
Have a long think how you want to raise a baby, as your team might be better off solo.

have you discussed how your going to manage on maternity leave, will you be owing him for living costs, will you be owing him for nursery etc?

this is very dysfunctional, you both need to sit down and talk about what your expectations are for parenting and raising a child.

i assume all the shopping and cooking for the baby will be all your costs and responsibilities

Honestly OP he sounds like a complete arsehole! Please don't stay with someone who treats you like this. This is not a marriage and a loving partner would be taking extra care of you during your pregnancy. I would not stay with a partner who behaves like this. He sounds really selfish and nasty 🙁

Have you got some support op?
You know he’ll only get worse once the baby arrives.
If he thinks you’re doing nothing now heaven help you when you’re on mat leave.

Well he sounds like a prince amongst men - what a charmer indeed.

Get rid. ASAP preferably before he has the chance to teach a child his idea of how to look after the mother of his child.

Vile creature.

OP - are you aware that this isn't normal behaviour, or do you not really have any good examples in your life to go on? Because I'm really worried what else has been going on before the baby comes, if I'm honest. He shouldn't be treating you like this, it's really wrong. We all get frustrated and can be a bit short or say the wrong thing, but he's treating you like the enemy here. It's coming so easily to him, to treat you badly, at a time where even if he was worried about you and the baby, surely he would treat you with MORE care, not less.

How long has he been this way?

You need to get out and the sooner the better @hellogoodbye91 This will only get worse when your baby is born. I’m surprised married couples do their own grocery shopping! It really doesn’t sound that he likes you very much.