AIBU husband upsetting me 5 months pregnant

[hellogoodbye91]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4, no children (just yet!)

We have had a couple of losses the last 3 years but finally conceived our much-wanted rainbow baby in September and I’m now 20 weeks pregnant.

He has always been a good husband. However, recently he seems to resent absolutely everything I do.

Today’s example: As it’s currently snowing/icy (has been for last 3 days) and I work from home. I’ve been staying in right now, because I’m scared of driving on the ungritted roads, or slipping on pavements full of black ice.

As I’ve had losses before, I’m quite anxious and have had additional mental health support for this pregnancy.

We usually buy our groceries separate as DH doesn’t like to eat meals together (he doesn’t eat carbs) and so today, as he was already going to get his grocery shop and our household bits, I asked him if he could get me 10 items from the shop for me to eat while he was there, as I had ran out of food.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

His argument is that I should have just gotten a grocery delivery in and that he “didn’t necessarily need his stuff straight away” so it was putting him out to go. But personally, even if he wasn’t going straight away, I think it’s the least a husband can do is to pick some bits up for his pregnant wife while he goes to get stuff for himself. Don’t know if I’m alone there.

Anyway, flash forward to him coming back from the shops and I run to the door to open it for him in case he’s struggling with bags. Straight away he berates me and says I’m no help anyway and that he’s had to traipse around finding “obscure” items for me (it was items like bread, ham, pasta and a few frozen bits).

He then, quite literally, throws the receipt down in front of me and says the least I can do is sort that out and pay him now.

Bearing in mind, while he was out I did the dishes, dried the dishes and put the clothes washing away, but I got berated because I “don’t do anything.” He told me he did a spring clean of the cupboards earlier on “for me” and that I should have been doing that myself - he says he has to do everything for me and that he has run around all night after work doing stuff for me (the cupboards - which I never asked him to do - and the shop).

I work myself in the day, Monday-Friday, 9-5, and last weekend spent my time spring cleaning multiple rooms myself. However, he says “I don’t do anything”.

I started to get really upset at this point and asked him why he was seeking out an argument with his pregnant wife. He will never just let something drop once he’s in a mood and he doesn’t let me being pregnant stop him - he’ll have at me regardless.

AIBU to be really angry and upset here. I am so disappointed. I honestly feel as though he just resents me existing right now.

Well said, OP. It's important to speak your mind. 👍

@hellogoodbye91 given your additional explanations and updates on the situation it seems that you have benefitted from gathering input here. My original response, much like other posters I presume, was of incredulity at your husbands behaviour alongside the very unusual set up relating to food, shopping and finances. Those two things together rang very loud alarm bells to most of us hence the concern showed. It was uncalled for for anyone to imply you should not be having a baby.

You have now explained further and you have had conversations with your husband which have been positive which makes our initial responses seem over the top. There will always be posters who think you are now downplaying or defending because you are in denial. This most likely comes from their experiences or from reading so many threads where that has been the case. AIBU can be helpful but often attracts the most extreme responses and often people post without reading updates so it can feel like no one is really listening.

I have only posted once on AIBU, I was new to the site and in a mentally fragile state. I was desperate for some support and was spiralling with no one irl to speak to. I naively posted here, giving as much context as possible to avoid drip feeding or misunderstanding but was promptly told to leave my husband, things were only going to get worse, that I wasn’t listening to what people were telling me, that I was making the situation worse and was failing as a partner. It’s horrible feeling like you’re being misunderstood and can’t properly defend yourself. The situation resolved and I’m very happily still married but I name changed after that and never posted on AIBU again. In retrospect I should’ve chosen a different board to post on. I do often comment on posts though and because of my own experience I rtft and try to give constructive and considered responses based on the information given but even then it might not be helpful to the poster because as anonymous strangers we can’t ever fully know the situation.

Your confidence in your husband and yourself is reassuring. Wishing you all the best for your pregnancy and the exciting times ahead as new parents.

Thank you very much! You're so right and I have NOT helped the situation by type-type-typing in my upset, emotional state and not explaining the situation fully. I have definitely drip-fed and so I see that most people are well-meaning but just don't have full info/context (my fault), but others are most definitely projecting and/or stirring the pot, taking parts of phrases/out of context etc. I have taken so much helpful advice (inc bits I may not have wanted to hear for sure) and my DH has been receptive and apologetic in response. We have a POA and he has opened up fully about why he may be feeling the ways he does. He doesn't always wear his heart on his sleeve, so that's been nice. Thanks for the advice!!

Sorry OP but you opened a thread with a story of what sounded like an abusive situation and a partner who lacks complete empathy. He may be a white knight at other times but we're not getting that part of the story, we're being presented with a douche so expect strangers advising you to leave. You're Coming to a womens forum with a story of abuse...

Have you done The Freedom Programme OP? Being in an abusive relationship once means you have a higher chance of being in another one. You have admitted to being in two already so your chances of being in a third has risen alarmingly.

he wanted me to do the ""chore"" of sending him the amount
That's control. The fact he got shirty and angry about something so inconsequential is him training you to obey him.

I'm not this unaware, naive little flower people are suggesting I am. I know abuse
See above. You are more susceptible and your boundaries are more blurred. And the fact you haven't realised that abuse mainly STARTS when a woman is pregnant or given birth means you don't know as much as you think you do about abusive men.

You are blind to your situation at the moment but please keep one eye open. Come back when you are ready.

Great post at 12.15 today @hellogoodbye91

Unfortunately, too many people post without reading through the thread. Understandable not to read all the posts on a long thread BUT people could at least read the OP's posts.

Glad the thread has helped you (in parts) and glad you and your dh have been able to talk about things.

I would recommend the freedom program. When I did it there were men who would drop their partners off. Always felt it a little weird but there may be some men who want partners to deal with previous trauma during their relationship.

Given your history I think the FP could be very useful in your future life.

What normally happens when you are pissed off and angry about stuff? Do you concede you have over reacted? Does DS change his behaviour? You really need to be able to talk about stuff calmly.

Ime nothing really changed for the better. Calm talking resolved nothing. I then became pissed off and angry and dismissed as unreasonable. After many cycles I became despondent and then powerless as the full time parent. Might as well talk to a brick wall. But he claimed to love me and said he was one of the good guys.

Thanks to FP I can now say Bollocks. He was abusive. I am not stupid.

Sorry, but OP was completely clear in her first post:
'He has always been a good husband. However, recently he seems to ...'
It was clear from the outset that this was a strong marriage going through a difficult patch, as do all relationships from time to time.
OP was asking for practical suggestions as to how to manage this
She has since clarified that her husband has apologised and wants to sort things out.
It is unbelievable that people continue to post abusive comments about her DH and infantilise OP by informing her that she is unfit to make up her own mind.
I thought until now that it was the patriarchy which infantilised women.
Some of the posters are very confused and think every piece of bad behaviour is abuse.

How many posts on relationships say something about a "great husband" or "great dad" and then go on to describe behaviour that is at total odds to this description? Loads!

If your husband can't deal with change very well you better prepare him to be the higher earner and main breadwinner. You will probably be your child's main carer who takes them to school and picks them up. You won't be working as much as you was. I think a lot of new mothers are shocked by how much their life changes you can't do the things you did before. I would prepare your husband with that reality before he upsets you again. Unless he will be your child's main carer while you work in order to keep the high salary going. It will be tough if you work from home having a baby then toddler climbing around you have to watch them like a hawk. Toddlers get into everything.

It's a fact that pregnancy can be a trigger for abuse by the husband/partner. It can happen for the first time during pregnancy and after birth when the woman is at her most vulnerable so it's not clear that it's a strong marriage going through a difficult patch. It might be the start of domestic abuse. Just because her husband apologised doesn't mean it's not abuse. Just because her husband has said he wants to work on it doesn't mean it's not abuse. OP needs to be aware of this and that's why the wise women of mumsnet have imparted their knowledge.

She has explained that she is aware of issues around abuse and is not being abused. That's it.

Yes he was abusive we're all capable of being abusive but that doesn't mean he is an abuser.

On some phones it's impossible to view just the ops posts and if you read or even skimmed through the posts you want to comment on would never be found again....the app isn't great on all phones.

I would have said that too. When I look back it was, without doubt, abuse. Sometimes you can't see it when you're in it.

That's why some of us are worried for OP. But there's nothing any of us can do, so like you say, that's it.

If you're a 5 month pregnant woman with several previous losses who has not gone grocery shopping due to concerns about driving and walking in significant ice and snow ; and you ask your husband and unborn baby's father to get you 10 items when he does some grocery shopping....and he complains about going at all because he doesn't need his stuff yet, and complains about getting the ten items, and complains about the items being obscure (when they are not obscure), and then returns with the items in a mood, and then demands instant payment for them ......

You are being abused.

"That's it".

As many posters have stated, their housemates or perhaps even strangers would treat them better in these circumstances.

The op has also said that this latest incident is part of a pattern of recent behaviour in which she feels that he strongly resents her.

The op can say that she doesn't feel she is being abused (while disclosing a history of childhood abuse and a previous abusive relationship). Apparently - because this isn't exactly like those - it's not abusive.
Okay.

Let her tell her mid-wife or GP that incident and any previous behaviour; and see if they agree.

(Most of this forum doesn't agree. But we're all just dramatic, patronising, crazy, "LTB" brigaders, right. With a burning desire to break up random anonymous strangers relationships for reasons best known to ourselves).

Yes, indeed, it's the Cult of Common Sense.

I also wish you well OP. Those saying you shouldn’t bring a kid into this… well that’s a bit shitty.

I also said leave! I realise things aren’t black and white… there are ups and downs in every relationship. But… I do see women all the time who plunge themselves into making a family, doing all the work, papering over cracks, until they disappear.

As to abuse - yes, research seems to indicate early experiences of traumatic abuse corresponding to a higher rate of entering abusive relationships. The body keeps the score is a very interesting read in this.

Now everything can be labelled abuse… and there’s only two people who know the ins and outs of your relationship.

My concern for you? You sound like a very capable loving person. You sound like someone who will throw themselves into “making it work”, who will put the needs of the family first, who will work harder and harder when things get tough. These are the women I worry about. Relationships can burn us out just as much as work. Just bear in mind - especially when the stress and hardship of parenting hits - it’s not up to you to “just make it work” until the constant stress has you completely exhausted. I may be reading things into this…. But if this happens- put your own life belt on first. You won’t be able to give to anyone if you’re completely depleted. And sometimes it is easier to go it alone than keep papering over cracks.

I ve mixed so many metaphors, but I’m sure you get my drift.

Sorry, but OP was completely clear in her first post:
'He has always been a good husband. However, recently he seems to ...'
It was clear from the outset that this was a strong marriage going through a difficult patch, as do all relationships from time to time.

No, the op mentioned in further posts that her husband's behaviour and attitudes have been problematic to her in the past ...to the point that she had wondered about neurodivergance as an explanation, and even asked him to consider assessment for such; but was robustly dismissed/rejected by him on that.

You need to read all the posts, dear.

(Or if you did, you need to stop cherry picking).

Also, it appears to (conveniently) beyond your imagination that someone who describes their husband as a good husband (or indeed their children's father as a good father) is not always correct or reasonable in that. This forum is filled with examples. And I know plenty in real life too.

Your interpretation here and all your posts also betray an agenda (rather ironic that you're accusing other posters of having an agenda) and that agenda seems to be to respect (as you compelled us to do) the husband, work on the marriage, and not "run away". Even your wording, "running away", betrays your values and agenda.

I think we can all guess at the background/values behind such an interpretation of this situation, and such views on how it should be approached.

If you're a representative of common sense, I'm Elon Musk.

Oh and common sense says that men who are reluctant to, and resentful of, providing their wife and by proxy unborn child with food ...... and demand immediate payment for that food; are not good partners or fathers.

Hence my lack of faith in your "common sense".

But what I know, I'm just an old fashioned gal who thinks a man should want to feed his wife & unborn child, and do so without anger, resentment, and demands for immediate reimbursement.
Clearly very old fashioned and traditional (and unreasonable).compared to you, eh.

Op, if this is what he's like at 5 months ; I fucking dread to think of what he could be like post birth.

I urge you to have arrangements in place for help and support outside of him.

I'd also encourage you to think about what he would be like if you were sick/vulnerable/able to do less (or almost nothing). And plan for contingency based on that. It's a sad life not to be able to depend on your life partner for support, kindness, tolerance etc. but it's a position many people (usually women) find themselves in and choose not to change. So if you're going to be one of them, I would advise setting up as much contingency as possible.

What ARE these dietary needs? I grew up with an eating disorder, and was very clear I was going to model a healthy relationship with food to my daughter. I'm not saying his needs aren't genuine, but you both need to think about modelling healthy family eating.