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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU husband upsetting me 5 months pregnant

426 replies

hellogoodbye91 · 09/01/2025 22:34

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4, no children (just yet!)

We have had a couple of losses the last 3 years but finally conceived our much-wanted rainbow baby in September and I’m now 20 weeks pregnant.

He has always been a good husband. However, recently he seems to resent absolutely everything I do.

Today’s example: As it’s currently snowing/icy (has been for last 3 days) and I work from home. I’ve been staying in right now, because I’m scared of driving on the ungritted roads, or slipping on pavements full of black ice.

As I’ve had losses before, I’m quite anxious and have had additional mental health support for this pregnancy.

We usually buy our groceries separate as DH doesn’t like to eat meals together (he doesn’t eat carbs) and so today, as he was already going to get his grocery shop and our household bits, I asked him if he could get me 10 items from the shop for me to eat while he was there, as I had ran out of food.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

His argument is that I should have just gotten a grocery delivery in and that he “didn’t necessarily need his stuff straight away” so it was putting him out to go. But personally, even if he wasn’t going straight away, I think it’s the least a husband can do is to pick some bits up for his pregnant wife while he goes to get stuff for himself. Don’t know if I’m alone there.

Anyway, flash forward to him coming back from the shops and I run to the door to open it for him in case he’s struggling with bags. Straight away he berates me and says I’m no help anyway and that he’s had to traipse around finding “obscure” items for me (it was items like bread, ham, pasta and a few frozen bits).

He then, quite literally, throws the receipt down in front of me and says the least I can do is sort that out and pay him now.

Bearing in mind, while he was out I did the dishes, dried the dishes and put the clothes washing away, but I got berated because I “don’t do anything.” He told me he did a spring clean of the cupboards earlier on “for me” and that I should have been doing that myself - he says he has to do everything for me and that he has run around all night after work doing stuff for me (the cupboards - which I never asked him to do - and the shop).

I work myself in the day, Monday-Friday, 9-5, and last weekend spent my time spring cleaning multiple rooms myself. However, he says “I don’t do anything”.

I started to get really upset at this point and asked him why he was seeking out an argument with his pregnant wife. He will never just let something drop once he’s in a mood and he doesn’t let me being pregnant stop him - he’ll have at me regardless.

AIBU to be really angry and upset here. I am so disappointed. I honestly feel as though he just resents me existing right now.

OP posts:
Nothatgingerpirate · 10/01/2025 07:45

Why did you get pregnant with this twat?
Sorry.
😕

Original poster
hellogoodbye91 · 10/01/2025 07:57

Tia86 · 10/01/2025 07:39

This sounds absolutely ridiculous.
Why is there not a joint account? I don't understand that you have been with him 10 years and it is all his and hers.
Have you made any discussions about the baby? Who is paying for baby items? I am assuming that is also falling on you.
How will you be splitting food for the baby when they are older, will it be halves?
You are currently the higher earner but what are your plans for going back to work? Childcare is a massive cost, will that also be your problem?

I think you need a big look at your relationship and if he genuinely does make you happy you at least need to look at a better arrangement financially.

We do have a joint account and we each put an amount in for everything, including food. That will be the same for baby (ie we'll each put a couple of hundred etc in per month, for example) and those items will come out of the joint.

OP posts:
Original poster
hellogoodbye91 · 10/01/2025 08:01

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2025 00:06

I am half funding my own maternity via savings and then he will fund the other half.

Hold on, you're still paying half of the bills while missing work to care for your SHARED child?

Dump him.

I get 6 months fully paid from my employer, so for the remaining 3 we'll take that out of our joint savings - to which we each save the same amount each month.

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 10/01/2025 08:04

All I can say is you will be back after the baby is born. As this is going to get worse, a lot worse. Why on earth are you putting up being treated like this? It's insane! What's happened to you in the past you could possibly think this is normal?

Nothatgingerpirate · 10/01/2025 08:04

Eyresandgraces · 09/01/2025 23:01

@hellogoodbye91 one day my pregnant dd was very tired.
When her dh came home from work dd said she was sorry but she hadn’t done anything all day.
Her dh replied, ‘yes you have, you’ve been growing a baby. You’ve worked harder than I have. ‘

That’s the sort of partner a woman should have.

Exactly.
My husband.
And if not, there's no need to fucking bother, nowadays.
🤬

Original poster
hellogoodbye91 · 10/01/2025 08:07

Lottie6712 · 10/01/2025 03:26

My goodness, this sounds absolutely horrendous. I genuinely feel too shocked to articulate properly all the ways this relationship sounds dysfunctional and how much worse it will be when you have a baby..... A few immediate thoughts - you might need a lot of care when you've had the baby if you have a difficult labour. Is this man capable of looking after you? I ended up not going back to work for two years (and then going back part time) because our daughter was really unwell and we had endless hospital visits, etc. it sounds like your husband is overly focused on money - is he going to value the endless mental & physical load it takes to raise a child, which it sounds like you will be carrying??? Mine for example has never made me feel bad for not contributing as much financially as him as he is always appreciative of other things I do to make our lives run (e.g., I'm teamleader of the endless washing!). It sounds like you're already in a borderline abusive relationship. I have a friend who is with someone horrible and he has become even more vile since they've had their baby. He does absolutely nothing to look after the baby because he says to her "until you're earning decent money again, the baby and the housework are your responsibility". E.g., Incl. nights and weekends so she doesn't have a single moment to herself - and it's clear he views all the work she does as beneath him and not of any value because she's not earning as much as him. So she is flat out 24/7, but is accepting it as that's "just the way her husband is". Please get out now! Do you want your little boy/girl growing up seeing this as an example of a loving marriage?

He does half of the housework anyway as standard, and when things have happened in the past he has absolutely looked after me. But since I've been pregnant he's been so snippy and pinnickity with me as if he's doing everything and I'm not. I'm obviously doing less because I'm pregnant. I don't think he understands that things aren't always completely completely 50/50 and black and white - sometimes struggles with that idea and sees it as unfair if he needs to pull my weight than me from a chores perspective, or what have you, for whatever reason. He comes from a family where his parents are very "if I'm doing this, then what are you doing?".

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 10/01/2025 08:07

If you have a joint account for food, then why did he give you a receipt and ask you to pay him back?

I know that some of these responses might be a shock, and not what you were expecting but please don't minimise his behaviour

Original poster
hellogoodbye91 · 10/01/2025 08:11

Dishwashersaurous · 10/01/2025 08:07

If you have a joint account for food, then why did he give you a receipt and ask you to pay him back?

I know that some of these responses might be a shock, and not what you were expecting but please don't minimise his behaviour

I'm not minimising anything - just answering with the facts. The way our joint account works is that we transfer all costs over when we get paid, but we don't have a card for the joint. It's mainly used for direct debits and the likes. So if we use the joint for outgoings, we replenish our personal accounts cards from the joint account. He wanted me to calculate what he was owed from joint for what was considered to be household groceries.

OP posts:
OkayLetMeKnowHowItGoes · 10/01/2025 08:14

hellogoodbye91 · 10/01/2025 07:57

We do have a joint account and we each put an amount in for everything, including food. That will be the same for baby (ie we'll each put a couple of hundred etc in per month, for example) and those items will come out of the joint.

Show quote history

So you already put half into the joint account which should cover your food costs, but then pay him back separately for anything he buys for you?

SallyWD · 10/01/2025 08:17

He sounds like a resentful housemate, not a husband and father to be.
Once you have kids, he can't continue with this attitude. He's in for a shock.

Original poster
hellogoodbye91 · 10/01/2025 08:19

@OkayLetMeKnowHowItGoes he sometimes pays for his own food items from his personal account as he gets more meat and feels it would be unfair for me to cough up more when I'm not eating it myself, but he needed to take my food and any of the stuff from household groceries from the joint account (as we don't have cards for that - we just do transfers) and threw the receipt down and told me to calculate it. It's the way he spoke to me that I thought was so unfair and he's been like this a few instances while I've been pregnant.

OP posts:
Anonymus89 · 10/01/2025 08:19

Why are you married if you don't share anything? How do you go about nicer things, are you simply don't do anything if one of the parties can't afford it? How bizzare... again, why are you married, what was the incentive to marry this man ?!

Strawberries86 · 10/01/2025 08:21

I cannot believe you are bringing a poor baby into this toxic mess.

commonsense61 · 10/01/2025 08:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Dishwashersaurous · 10/01/2025 08:23

This is such a strange set up.

You are his wife, growing his much longed for child. He should be protecting and looking after you and doing everything he can to make your life easier.

The fact that his first response is about exactly how much money you owe him is chilling.

You need to have a proper conversation about paying for joint expenses, and get a card for that account. Baby expenses are all joint and will therefore need to come out of that account and you'll need a way of paying for them.

Original poster
hellogoodbye91 · 10/01/2025 08:25

@commonsense61 I think people are getting to hung up our finances - I also am "owed" money from our joint account if I go out and get something as we don't have cards for the joint account, so we use our personal cards and then "owe ourselves" from the joint. It's just the way we work it. We put X amount each into our joint account and that covers everything. The thing I'm more bothered about is the way he spoke to me and has been since I've been pregnant. Like I'm lazy and he's doing "everything." I think me not wanting to go out in the ice is more than reasonable.

OP posts:
Fontainebleau007 · 10/01/2025 08:25

What have I just read? This is not a marriage. Sorry OP.

Original poster
hellogoodbye91 · 10/01/2025 08:28

Dishwashersaurous · 10/01/2025 08:23

This is such a strange set up.

You are his wife, growing his much longed for child. He should be protecting and looking after you and doing everything he can to make your life easier.

The fact that his first response is about exactly how much money you owe him is chilling.

You need to have a proper conversation about paying for joint expenses, and get a card for that account. Baby expenses are all joint and will therefore need to come out of that account and you'll need a way of paying for them.

Thanks. Yeah, I did actually speak to him about this last night and we said we would get cards for that account as that's probably not helping. BUT I'm bothered about he spoke to me!! He's done this since I was about 14 weeks pregnant - so resentful because he's picking up some extra slack while I grow his baby.

OP posts:
Tia86 · 10/01/2025 08:29

This still sounds like a bizarre way of operating. Owing each other money? Why not just get a card for the joint account and use it and stop this tit for tat I owe you X amount. Surely it would all even out?

I still think you may have issues when the child is born and him not contributing.

Joystir59 · 10/01/2025 08:30

ToKittyornottoKitty · 09/01/2025 22:42

You two are in no position to be having a baby together.

I echo this. You are not a team and I wish you were not bringing a child into the world with him. You will probably be a single parent as he will not lift a finger to help you.

OurDreamLife · 10/01/2025 08:30

The grocery thing alone isn’t going to work as a family.

He’s a twat.

SallyWD · 10/01/2025 08:31

hellogoodbye91 · 10/01/2025 08:28

Thanks. Yeah, I did actually speak to him about this last night and we said we would get cards for that account as that's probably not helping. BUT I'm bothered about he spoke to me!! He's done this since I was about 14 weeks pregnant - so resentful because he's picking up some extra slack while I grow his baby.

Show quote history

I'm not justifying his shitty behaviour at all but it's interesting that you say he's only been speaking to you like this since you were pregnant.
I think you both need to sit down and work out what's behind this. Is he feeling stressed about the pregnancy? Is he scared of becoming a father? Why the sudden change in attitude?

Pussycat22 · 10/01/2025 08:32

Why on earth have you had a baby with this crock of shit, was he like this before baby.

GRex · 10/01/2025 08:32

Be honest with yourself OP, this behaviour didn't magically start 5 months ago. It's horribly dysfunctional to be picking over pennies and having separate food. If you still have a counsellor, then it's time to talk it through with them. If not, get one. You're allowing poor decisions in the past to continue, and you need to stop.

OurDreamLife · 10/01/2025 08:32

Men often change and become abusive once their partners are pregnant. I would be giving him and ultimatum or kicking him out.

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