AIBU husband upsetting me 5 months pregnant

[hellogoodbye91]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4, no children (just yet!)

We have had a couple of losses the last 3 years but finally conceived our much-wanted rainbow baby in September and I’m now 20 weeks pregnant.

He has always been a good husband. However, recently he seems to resent absolutely everything I do.

Today’s example: As it’s currently snowing/icy (has been for last 3 days) and I work from home. I’ve been staying in right now, because I’m scared of driving on the ungritted roads, or slipping on pavements full of black ice.

As I’ve had losses before, I’m quite anxious and have had additional mental health support for this pregnancy.

We usually buy our groceries separate as DH doesn’t like to eat meals together (he doesn’t eat carbs) and so today, as he was already going to get his grocery shop and our household bits, I asked him if he could get me 10 items from the shop for me to eat while he was there, as I had ran out of food.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

His argument is that I should have just gotten a grocery delivery in and that he “didn’t necessarily need his stuff straight away” so it was putting him out to go. But personally, even if he wasn’t going straight away, I think it’s the least a husband can do is to pick some bits up for his pregnant wife while he goes to get stuff for himself. Don’t know if I’m alone there.

Anyway, flash forward to him coming back from the shops and I run to the door to open it for him in case he’s struggling with bags. Straight away he berates me and says I’m no help anyway and that he’s had to traipse around finding “obscure” items for me (it was items like bread, ham, pasta and a few frozen bits).

He then, quite literally, throws the receipt down in front of me and says the least I can do is sort that out and pay him now.

Bearing in mind, while he was out I did the dishes, dried the dishes and put the clothes washing away, but I got berated because I “don’t do anything.” He told me he did a spring clean of the cupboards earlier on “for me” and that I should have been doing that myself - he says he has to do everything for me and that he has run around all night after work doing stuff for me (the cupboards - which I never asked him to do - and the shop).

I work myself in the day, Monday-Friday, 9-5, and last weekend spent my time spring cleaning multiple rooms myself. However, he says “I don’t do anything”.

I started to get really upset at this point and asked him why he was seeking out an argument with his pregnant wife. He will never just let something drop once he’s in a mood and he doesn’t let me being pregnant stop him - he’ll have at me regardless.

AIBU to be really angry and upset here. I am so disappointed. I honestly feel as though he just resents me existing right now.

It’s not uncommon for men to become abusive in pregnancy, once their partner is trapped.

When one of us pops to the shop for a top up, we ask the other if there's anything they want. And don't bill them as it happens both ways (separate finances, but then no kids). We also don't keep tally, I reckon it's probably roughly equal, but don't really care. That can include me buying eggs for him, I'm allergic, but he likes them, or him buying mushrooms for me, he can't stand them. As we are a couple.

Yours is an arse. You have a baby on the way, things should be shared.

Exactly this, the man needs to eat some carbs and stop being a deluded , nasty bastard……

I'm still stuck on He has always been a good husband.

Can you explain in what way?

YABU to have consciously aimed to bring a child into this shitshow. Obviously you've only provided partial info, but from you telling him you always do pay him back, it sounds like the lack of team playing has been in place for some time.

YA(Also)BU not to realise that family life with this man is a non-starter. Do not concentrate on changing him (you can't), you need to focus on extracting yourself and your baby from this dynamic.

Jeez what a dysfunctional marriage. Does he also get the calculator out to tally up what he’s spent on his food and what you’ve sent on yours when you go out to eat? Do you go out together to eat? What the fuck is the point of being married if you are living such separate lives?. What happens when the baby arrives. Are you splitting him/her in half too? So many questions.

Another day, another pig of a man is described by a woman on Mumsnet.

OP, abusive behaviour is well known to either start or ramp up when a woman is pregnant.

Please, just bear in mind that you absolutely do not have to live a life like this.

Your post is just one giant red flag.

There is Women's Aid (for all kinds of abuse, not just physical) which you can turn to at any point - just FYI. Women often feel very trapped once children come along, please remember there is always a way out, should you feel you want that.

Wishing you a healthy pregnancy and safe delivery of your child.

I do hope you get out. You and your child deserve better.

He's a really shit housemate. He's certainly no husband.

Kick him out now, he'll only get worse once baby's here.

Some men start being abusive when women get pregnant, I'd say he's borderline abusive right now. Sounds like you'd be better off and happier raising baby alone without this awful man in your home.

It really does sound like a roommate situation. I remember when it was really icy, taking my dog for a walk at 20 weeks pregnant and my dh going nuts because he was worried I might fall. Your dh sounds really unsupportive.

You’re about to bring a baby into this world. The whole splitting things in half, eating separately, his stuff/ your stuff won’t work anymore. You need to be a team, a proper family unit as you’re about to face a really difficult time. Don’t get me wrong, having a baby is a true blessing but the strain it can put on a relationship is tough!

Has it always been like this?

We usually buy our groceries separate as DH doesn’t like to eat meals together (he doesn’t eat carbs) and so today, as he was already going to get his grocery shop and our household bits,

You lost me at this.
Even before I started reading the information about money.

Why would you even think about getting pregnant with someone like this ?

Oh ffs not another one.

This. Once married finances merge shopping merge. Wow you guys are stuffed

I'd look for short-term solutions for now until the baby is here and then assess the situation, unless it becomes worse.
For your health, try to stay calm and be around others who are caring as much as possible.
When he tells you he's doing house work for you, tell him, "we do things for the house, I've done X you've done Y because we look after this house together". Keep to facts and to assessing your options.

This is toxic, abusive bullying behaviour.
Very common for it to escalate during pregnancy.
Please let your midwife know. They can help signpost you to assistance in removing yourself from this awful man.

This is only going to get worse when the baby arrives. He sounds controlling manipulative and downright cruel.

After two miscarriages you should both have so much to look forward to and he is making you feel worthless and treating you with contempt.

Please listen to the advice given on here. You will regret staying this is no environment for a child to be brought up in. You are worthy of so much more.

This. This is pure abuse

Are you splitting everything from the start, or are you paying the first x months and him the rest? As that sounds a recipe for disaster, he will act like you are living off HIS money all the time till you go back to work.
What is included in maternity? As it not reasonable for you to lose a year (or whatever) income and still be paying 50% of child's costs and your own living costs.

Your whole situation sounds dreadful to me and I would recommend looking very hard at it before your baby arrives.
If he is complaining now- who's going to by what you ajd the baby need fr.the shops when you are on maternity?
This is not a united mutually supportive marriage to bring a baby into.

What a horrible little man.

OP this is only going to get much, much worse when your baby is born. It’s not what you want to hear but you need to make two plans now. One plan is for how you will communicate to him that if there isn’t an absolute 180 in his behaviour over the next 4 months then it’s the end of the road for your marriage, and the other is your exit plan for how you will go it alone if he won’t change.

This is dreadful. No wonder you are angry upset and disappointed. I would be too.

Honestly, I hate to say this given you are pregnant but I would be prepared to have a baby on my own rather than with someone like this. There isn't an ounce of kindness in him. He sounds really hostile, really selfish, really jealous of any time you have off And overall just absolutely awful. I would far rather live on my own than live with somebody like this.

Do you really think he's going to be helpful when the baby is born? He will resent the baby then.

Yes, I thought the same. Abuse can start/escalate when a baby arrives. I'd raise it with your midwife/health visitor that he's financially quite controlling and very negative about you when you have your appointments in case you need a paper trail for the future.

Who buys nappies?

I am lost for words.

He is DISGUSTING.

Sort it out now before baby arrives. He is the sort to expect you be do every thing in the house while you are on maternity leave because you are spending all your time at home doing nothing. He will "do childcare" for his child "for you" while you have a shower and that's it.

Sounds like he’ll make a great dad

Engage your family and friends for support. Speak with a solicitor to find out your rights. Then run. He's a nasty piece of work and you deserve better