AIBU husband upsetting me 5 months pregnant

[hellogoodbye91]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4, no children (just yet!)

We have had a couple of losses the last 3 years but finally conceived our much-wanted rainbow baby in September and I’m now 20 weeks pregnant.

He has always been a good husband. However, recently he seems to resent absolutely everything I do.

Today’s example: As it’s currently snowing/icy (has been for last 3 days) and I work from home. I’ve been staying in right now, because I’m scared of driving on the ungritted roads, or slipping on pavements full of black ice.

As I’ve had losses before, I’m quite anxious and have had additional mental health support for this pregnancy.

We usually buy our groceries separate as DH doesn’t like to eat meals together (he doesn’t eat carbs) and so today, as he was already going to get his grocery shop and our household bits, I asked him if he could get me 10 items from the shop for me to eat while he was there, as I had ran out of food.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

His argument is that I should have just gotten a grocery delivery in and that he “didn’t necessarily need his stuff straight away” so it was putting him out to go. But personally, even if he wasn’t going straight away, I think it’s the least a husband can do is to pick some bits up for his pregnant wife while he goes to get stuff for himself. Don’t know if I’m alone there.

Anyway, flash forward to him coming back from the shops and I run to the door to open it for him in case he’s struggling with bags. Straight away he berates me and says I’m no help anyway and that he’s had to traipse around finding “obscure” items for me (it was items like bread, ham, pasta and a few frozen bits).

He then, quite literally, throws the receipt down in front of me and says the least I can do is sort that out and pay him now.

Bearing in mind, while he was out I did the dishes, dried the dishes and put the clothes washing away, but I got berated because I “don’t do anything.” He told me he did a spring clean of the cupboards earlier on “for me” and that I should have been doing that myself - he says he has to do everything for me and that he has run around all night after work doing stuff for me (the cupboards - which I never asked him to do - and the shop).

I work myself in the day, Monday-Friday, 9-5, and last weekend spent my time spring cleaning multiple rooms myself. However, he says “I don’t do anything”.

I started to get really upset at this point and asked him why he was seeking out an argument with his pregnant wife. He will never just let something drop once he’s in a mood and he doesn’t let me being pregnant stop him - he’ll have at me regardless.

AIBU to be really angry and upset here. I am so disappointed. I honestly feel as though he just resents me existing right now.

Sounds like you’re already living with a child. How will you cope with two?

'I don't think he understands that things aren't always completely completely 50/50 and black and white - sometimes struggles with that idea and sees it as unfair if he needs to pull my weight than me from a chores perspective, or what have you, for whatever reason.'

Have you discussed how this will work with a newborn, a small child, an older child? Have you discussed how children are not black and white in terms of their emotions, actions and needs? This is one of the most basic things a parent needs to accept when parenting a child, so what work has he been doing to change his mindset on this?

Reading back no he only started cos he had a bit more work to do. God help him when baby arrives, he won't know what has hit him. Good luck to you pet and make sure you have a good support system .x

Well how you organise your finances is your business, but babies can come with lots of costs so this could be a source of arguments if you dont have an agreement on how to pay. Like say you want a lactation consultant after birth because you need help breastfeeding. Is he going to resent paying for that?

He needs a serious dose of realism about what you will be able to do going forward. You are 20 weeks pregnant and as your bump gets bigger you won’t be able to do all these chores. Is she struggling to accept this? How is he generally about your pregnancy? Is he excited and showing interest? Does he understand in your later stage of pregnancy you could end up on bed rest if something like pre eclampsia is diagnosed? Does he understand post birth you could need a few weeks to recovery and yes he will have to pick up the slack or drop standards?

its hard to tell if he’s just a bit of a control freak who is struggling with the changes and taking it out on you (you are the source of the change) or there’s something more dark going on. I would just be worried about how he will be after the birth because everything goes out of the window! Like what if you’re in hospital for a few days? is he going to be moaning about chores and doing shopping.

you need to sit down and explain some of the above. And definitely mention to your midwife. Maybe he can come to one of your antenatal appointments and they could outline some of the above. Is he more likely to take it from someone in authority such as the midwife?

You also.need to talk to him about how he's making you feel.

When baby arrives its not going to be 50.50 jobs. And doing a tit for tat would be utterly exhausting for both of you.

Is he freaking out about actually having a baby?

Hope this isn't real. If it is get ready to be a single parent. He is vile. I wouldn't treat anyone like that let alone my pregnant partner or wife.

So everything is 50/50 yes?

So how much is he paying you ( what is his 50/50 contribution) for the pain discomfort and potential for injury in childbirth ( maybe you look up surrogacy rates and bill him for half) and is he paying half of your workplace or other pension contributions or to monthly savings account while you’re off on maternity leave?

What will his 50/50 be if/ when you’re breastfeeding? Will he pay you a sum based on 50 per cent of the cost of formula milk that would have been incurred if not breast feeding? And what about a financial contribution as solatium for any pain discomfort or inconvenience from breastfeeding?

A relationship where everything is transactional or based on pounds and pence isn’t a marriage. Neither biology or love work like that. In life, we sometimes step up to do more than our share because that’s what’s needed or because of love kindness and consideration for our supposedly loved others.

Id book counselling now.

People are focusing on the financials because it is not normal to be owed for food between a couple, nevermind a married couple! If a main part of a relationship is borderline abusive you can't bet your last penny the rest of it is.

It is very common for an abusive man to ramp up nasty behaviour when his partner is "trapped", ie in pregnancy or after the baby is born. Look up emotional abuse on any official website, Refuge, Relate, gov.uk, Age Concern, your local council if you won't believe any of us.

Have you sat him down whilst he is calm and ask him why he is being like this? Yes he maybe just an abusive twat but on the other hand maybe he is struggling with something.

In your posts you have mentioned many times you haven't done something because you are pregnant. Or you're not doing as much because you are pregnant. Maybe he is worried about becoming a dad. Maybe he is worried about your past losses and what the future holds. Maybe he's fed up of being told you cannot do something because you are pregnant. Can't go in the ice, can't drive, not doing as much "because I am pregnant".

Like I said maybe he is just a twat but everyone on here jumps at him and doesn't consider things just your version of events and you will naturally be missing out stuff that may make you look bad.

What is going to happen once you have had the baby and physically can’t do half of everything? When you have been up all night and just getting some clothes on is the triumph of the day? When you are healing, exhausted and trying to adjust?
Is he going to resent you then?

Don't downsize your career after the baby comes. You'll need it after the divorce

What are you doing??? You are growing a person!! If he is that into splitting things equally shouldn't he be paying you "womb-rent" and "utilities" (food)?! Yes that's ridiculous!!! He needs to grow up really fast before he is ready to be a parent. It's nothing to do with 50:50 once you are parents.

It sounds like you are living in a student share house, not a married couple.

This is all going to get so much worse when you give birth and a)need someone to care for you and the house while you recover and b) while you focus on the baby and not him and his needs. I would be recommending having a chat about expectations and how you will handle sleep, parenting problems, who will do what and when and if that conversation doesn’t go well, I would get into couples counselling asap.

i can see yo giving birth, him getting angry and resentful at doing the bare minimum, going on about how tired he is while you collapse exhausted and hormonal with a tiny human to look after. And your relationship will not survive the crippling disappointment and resentment you feel towards him in how he acted during your time of need. Your longed for post partum newborn bubble will be forever spoiled by his uselessness and point scoring.

so right now is your chance to change what seems inevitable to everyone on this thread. Get your newborn period sorted now, either with him or go to your family/buy in support. You only get to do this once.

I feel horrible for you to have to deal with this behaviour from him. I cannot see your marriage working out when the baby is here and things won't work 50/50 housework/task wise or even financially with his OTT attitude to money. It doesn't sound like he respects or appreciates you whatsoever and I can see that getting even worse when the baby is here. You two should be a team but by the sound of it he sees you as an enemy.

Sorry but why not tell him that this makes you feel that he doesn’t love you and will always prioritise his wants/ preferences over your needs and well being (not a great attitude either from a man who will be a parent soon - requires a lot of unselfishness). Men who love their wives are kind and protective of them when they’re vulnerable ( and vice versa actually!) Most decent men ‘coddle’ or indulge their pregnant wives a little ( just as I see women with many issues of their own show extraordinary kindness and forbearance to their spouses when they’ve been bereaved for example) . Where’s the kindness, the love?

I spoke to him last night and he apologised for how he behaved. We of course delved into things and he said he felt stressed about the baby as we have had our two losses in the past and he thinks that's getting on top of him a bit. I have additional MH support, but they don't seem to offer anything for Dads.

The other side is that he comes from a family where his Mum did everything and his Dad did NADA. Literally zero. He's more of a mummy's boy than not, so he then watched his Mum attempt to take back some control by her saying "if I've done X, then you need to do X" to her husband and getting quite "tit for tat" about it all. He thinks he has subconsciously adopted that approach in times of stress or when he feels like he's doing a lot of heavy lifting but obviously it's absolutely ridiculous to apply here!! He did agree with that, but I'm still really annoyed.

he sounds like a rude, selfish and inconsiderate house mate, not a loving husband and father to be. What will he be like when you are naturally having to give all your time and attention to a new born? You will need and expect him to be involved and supportive and the signs are not good that he is going to be able or indeed want to do.

What fresh hell is this?! At the risk of being rude, your whole relationship sounds like a complete shit show with him as the chief turd. However that's up to you. If your only real worry about this nightmare is how he spoke to you, have you tried having a conversation about that with him? It's worth sitting down to have a calm discussion where you lay out clearly what you have told us, about the effect of the pregnancy and how you feel it has changed his behaviour towards you.

While you're there I would also hope you'd say it's time to tear up all these ridiculous rules currently ruining your relationship and start from scratch but that doesn't seem to be what you came here for. You're both in for a hideous shock when this baby arrives.

Something needs to change and you, to use Mumsnet parlance, need to be getting your ducks in a row.

This is precisely the problem you will run it o if you don’t deal with it now. It’ll become tit for tat, who’s getting more free time, who’s more tired, who’s doing more around the house etc etc. he is about to get a sharp shock, tbh. You’re married. You’re a team. You need to be, in order to be parents. This way of doing things is unsustainable and I don’t know what the definition of family is, but I do know this is basically the opposite of it.

@KittyWindbag 100% agree with you and said this to him last night.

OP this sounds like my ex and I. I earned more than him, we split the bills pro rata. We had separate food shops because he thought I wasted money on snacks etc, but he would then eat the things I'd bought and complain if I ate anything of his. We moved house while I was 8 months pregnant and he berated me for not helping with lifting heavy things. I funded my own maternity leave but he expected me to cook all the meals and do all the housework as I wasn't working. He saw any childcare as him doing me a favour and I had no support from him. Eventually he cheated on me because I "only cared about work and the baby" and I left him. I'm seeing so many parallels here, your DH sounds selfish.

I get no sense of love or partnership here. Why are you settling for this?

This isn't a partnership OP. You need counselling, both of you.

This isn't a marriage, marriages are about being a team. You're going to need him more than ever when baby comes but he isn't willing to help you, I think you need to have a serious think about the sustainability of this situation