AIBU husband upsetting me 5 months pregnant

[hellogoodbye91]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4, no children (just yet!)

We have had a couple of losses the last 3 years but finally conceived our much-wanted rainbow baby in September and I’m now 20 weeks pregnant.

He has always been a good husband. However, recently he seems to resent absolutely everything I do.

Today’s example: As it’s currently snowing/icy (has been for last 3 days) and I work from home. I’ve been staying in right now, because I’m scared of driving on the ungritted roads, or slipping on pavements full of black ice.

As I’ve had losses before, I’m quite anxious and have had additional mental health support for this pregnancy.

We usually buy our groceries separate as DH doesn’t like to eat meals together (he doesn’t eat carbs) and so today, as he was already going to get his grocery shop and our household bits, I asked him if he could get me 10 items from the shop for me to eat while he was there, as I had ran out of food.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

His argument is that I should have just gotten a grocery delivery in and that he “didn’t necessarily need his stuff straight away” so it was putting him out to go. But personally, even if he wasn’t going straight away, I think it’s the least a husband can do is to pick some bits up for his pregnant wife while he goes to get stuff for himself. Don’t know if I’m alone there.

Anyway, flash forward to him coming back from the shops and I run to the door to open it for him in case he’s struggling with bags. Straight away he berates me and says I’m no help anyway and that he’s had to traipse around finding “obscure” items for me (it was items like bread, ham, pasta and a few frozen bits).

He then, quite literally, throws the receipt down in front of me and says the least I can do is sort that out and pay him now.

Bearing in mind, while he was out I did the dishes, dried the dishes and put the clothes washing away, but I got berated because I “don’t do anything.” He told me he did a spring clean of the cupboards earlier on “for me” and that I should have been doing that myself - he says he has to do everything for me and that he has run around all night after work doing stuff for me (the cupboards - which I never asked him to do - and the shop).

I work myself in the day, Monday-Friday, 9-5, and last weekend spent my time spring cleaning multiple rooms myself. However, he says “I don’t do anything”.

I started to get really upset at this point and asked him why he was seeking out an argument with his pregnant wife. He will never just let something drop once he’s in a mood and he doesn’t let me being pregnant stop him - he’ll have at me regardless.

AIBU to be really angry and upset here. I am so disappointed. I honestly feel as though he just resents me existing right now.

This is heartbreaking to read, he separates yours and his lives completely, you're meant to be creating a family.
My worry is that when the baby is here it will be your responsibility financially and in duty and he will resent you asking him to help with his child.

Is there any positives to this marriage and do you bring the best out in each other? if not maybe think about what the future will be like and if that's what you want for you and your child.

@hellogoodbye91 one day my pregnant dd was very tired.
When her dh came home from work dd said she was sorry but she hadn’t done anything all day.
Her dh replied, ‘yes you have, you’ve been growing a baby. You’ve worked harder than I have. ‘

That’s the sort of partner a woman should have.

I second that.

@hellogoodbye91 if this is really true then you are in an abusive relationship and you need to leave. Contact Women's Aid who can signpost you to the relevant support. He's not a nice, kind, loving or supportive partner at all and will make a very nasty father. Get out.

Let me guess - he gyms 6 days a week and envisages doing this when you’ve got a newborn?

How on earth do you share a bed with a man as cold as this? I'm surprised he's not drawing a line down the middle of it and demanding you must stay on your half only, getting instantly arsey amd requesting immediate payback if you happen to acquire slightly more duvet than him.

Eurgh... ick ick ICK!

I can't imagine how he's going to cope when the baby arrives. He sounds grotesquely selfish and soulless.

Imagine the horror - buying some ham for your pregnant wife while you're at the shop anyway.

Really shitty, tight behaviour op. Dh and I do a lot of separate shopping but on the occasions one of us needs something it's fine, and it's not something we'd expect to be paid back for. Heck sometimes he even brings me a meal deal.

As pp have said, when the baby arrives the sleep deprivation, stress and resentment will be multiplied by 100000. You will constantly be going round in circles over who has slept the most, fed the baby most, changed the most nappies. So I suggest you nip this childish behaviour in the bud right now because you're going to need support, not someone who feels like carrying out their own basic tasks is some sort of favour to you.

This sounds like a house share and your flatmate is a cock. Have you stayed because you wanted a baby?

Sounds like the man child can't cope with not being worshipped/waited on by his wife now that she's pregnant.

He has always been a good husband. However, recently he seems to resent absolutely everything I do.

So has he really only just started acting like a twat since you have been pregnant?

Do you usually "mother" him, as in do all the household work? Maybe he resents not being the centre of attention anymore, which is not an excuse at all, but common with some "men".

Either way, his behaviour is unacceptable. Have you got any family you could go and stay with?

You say he's always been a good husband.

In what way?

OP, I don’t think having a baby with someone who sounds more like a distant, controlling, rather avaricious landlord than a husband is a good idea. Why would you think that a married couple buying their groceries separately and eating meals separately is a good idea - I mean, what’s going to happen if he sees you eating pasta? What is the baby likes toast? Does he flip at the sight of carbs?

Will he be like this with nappies or formula?

Exactly he's hangry

Precisely.

Sorry but 'mine is mine yours is yours' is such a weird concept in a marriage. Especially when you've been together 10+ years. What a weird way to look at life IMO

All the other arguments. He's being unreasonable and you have every right to cry. Awful treatment

Op this isn't normal you sound like roommates instead of family

Leave or kick him out. It will only get worse when the baby is here.
He sounds like a t**t.

Oh lovey, this isn't going to get better.

Same 🫣

What an absolute pig. You can’t bring a child up with this cretin.

so my DH and I eat different meals almost every night and have done for the whole 10 years we’ve lived together. We eat the same meal maybe once or twice a month, if that. He hates the food I eat and I hate the food he eats, we cook seperately and eat at the same time. It works for us really well, we’ve literally never had a problem with it although for some reason it really bothers other people.

I say all that because I think it means I’m in a good position to say that this is a completely insane horrible way for your husband to treat you. My husband would never in a million years do this, and I wouldn’t to him, let alone if I was pregnant. We pick up each others food all the time - why wouldn’t we? We’re a couple who lives together.

If this is a one off you need to make it clear he was wrong. If it wasn’t a one off you need to make sure this doesn’t escalate.

Why are you bringing a baby into this shit show of a marriage?

THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOUR IN A MARRIAGE.

Sorry to "shout" but it seems clear that you haven't had any guidance on what a healthy relationship looks like, because this is nowhere near.

You are the main earner
You work full time
You do the bulk of the housework (when he cleans out a cupboard, it's "for you")
You pay a larger chunk of the bills
You are 20 weeks pregnant with his child
You've suffered losses before

If he cared about you and your unborn child, he would be running around after you, telling you to put your feet up, doing the bulk of the housework and happily popping to the shop every time you have a craving for something, certainly not moaning about buying the basics.

Yet this non-pregnant, low earning man, who puts in less financially and physically to the home is giving you a hard time for adding a couple of things to the list when he was going shopping anyway?

Jesus. What's the point of him? Wouldn't your life be nicer without him?

OP.. honestly what are you getting out of this marriage? It doesn't feel like you are safe, secure or even respected. You earn more so can look after yourself. He isn't even picking up a few items for you when you are not feeling great.

@hellogoodbye91 is he often this unreasonable? As others have said this is a very strange set up and his behaviour towards you is extremely uncalled for.

Did his behaviour change significantly after you were past your first trimester? Just wondering if he thought becoming parents might not actually ever become a reality due to your previous losses and he’s struggling to adapt. Not that that would in anyway excuse his behaviour but piety could be a contributing factor as to why he’s being like this. Some men seem to struggle with the reality of becoming a parent, especially when it’s been theoretical for so long. Personally I couldn’t live like this but presuming you are wanting to resolve this I think you need to have a conversation about his change in attitude. You’ll have to speak to him when he’s not already irritated as from what you’ve said I don’t know how receptive he’ll be but you can’t carry on like this, it’s not fair on you or your child and as others have said the pressures of a newborn are not going to improve things.

Aldo if he chose to randomly spring clean the kitchen cupboards on a Thursday night after working all day, that’s a him problem. Housework should be a joint responsibility so why he feels he’s done it ‘for you’ is very strange.

What about when your child is eating solid food? Which budget will the child's food come out of?